Proverbs - Communication

Introduction

Good morning everyone, thank you for joining us online. We are so glad you are with us. My name is Joshua and I am one of the pastors here at Central.

We are continuing our series in Proverbs and today we are talking about communication, and I see my own need for this in my marriage especially.

My wife and I are part of a community group for somewhat young married couples here at Central. Each week we gather and go through a study that helps us to work on our marriages so that we can communicate better, love better, raise our kids better, everything.

One of the best studies we have ever done, in my opinion, was Love and Respect by Dr. Emmerson. I will always recommend this study for married couples or even some of you thinking about marriage because it was so good.

His premise is that a wife has one driving need, to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need, to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy and both spouses feed into the crazy cycle.

So let me briefly tell you about one of the first larger conversations that my wife and I had shortly into our marriage. We all know that everyone has particular things that they do or perhaps the way that they do, maybe it’s whether you floss before brushing or adjust the mirrors before driving, everyone has something.

Well, for my wife it was the way she washes dishes....she NEEDS to have vinegar in the water for some reason…i’m sure she has told me. One day, I thought I would be a good loving husband and have all the dishes done by the time she got home, so I got the sink ready, started washing vigouriously and finished in record time.

She came home and came into the kitchen, and I don’t know about you, but it’s like my wife has a sixth sense, she can just tell that something has happened that wasn’t right. I can’t remember if she licked the washed plate to be sure, but she knew I didn’t use vinegar. So, she gave me that “what are you doing” comment with attitude (or at least what I heard), so my fight or flight kicks in and rather than doing the good husband thing, my flesh takes over and I fire back....needless to say, this could have been over real quick had I actually heeded the advice found in Proverbs.

But as Emmerson would say, this is the vicious cycle, where we just keep going back and forth, and rather than apologizing or taking a breath, we keep firing back. Now, obviously this story is a little tongue in cheek and wasn’t meant to cause alarm to our marriage, but had I held my tongue or remembered Proverbs 15, it would have been a very different story.

There is much wisdom that is needed when it comes to the things we say and Proverbs does have much to say about our tongues or mouths and how we use them. Today we are going to look at three points, the first is how the foolish tongue brings ruin, the second is how the wise tongue brings life, and finally, how do we tame the tongue.

The Foolish Tongue Brings Ruin

I believe we have all been in that situation where either it was a friend, colleague, or ourselves that as soon as we heard those words, it was instant regret, or perhaps instant anger, like a fire inside starting to burn. We don’t know why we said those words or why they were said to us but what is done is done and now we have to live with the consequences of the words spoken.

The Bible has much to offer on the destructive nature of the tongue and for good reason. For instance, in the New Testament we have a book called James. James is really the New Testament version of Proverbs because it is meant to teach us wisdom… James 3:4-5 says, “Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. 5 So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.”

James is saying to look at the ships, so big yet they are guided by the small rudder and so be careful as the tongue is small yet it guides our whole self

As one scholar writes, “Control of the tongue stands for control of the whole self against temptation to indulge evil desire and to become deceptive about one’s own double-mindedness.”

It is a daily battle trying to control our tongue and it is responsible for so much destruction, both to our selves, and our loved ones. How many careers, marriages, friendships have been ruined because of our tongues?

Let’s look at a few Proverbs

Proverbs 18:2 

2 A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.

How true is this though! Many of us are on social media and have seen what this kind of attitude brings. People just want to air their opinions, whether right or wrong, rather than actually seeking to understand the whole situation or even to hear other viewpoints.

Proverbs 18:6–8 

A fool’s lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invites a beating. 7 A fool’s mouth is his ruin, and his lips are a snare to his soul. 8

His mouth invites a beating, it is literally saying that if we are walking into a conversation ready to fight with our words, that we invite a beating.

Proverbs 10:18–19

18 The one who conceals hatred has lying lips, and whoever utters slander is a fool. 19 When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.

The NLT version says it like this, “Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.” At times, these proverbs can seem like a slap in the face, and I believe they should. There are countless times where, by too much talking, we have gotten ourselves into trouble. So let’s take this advice and learn to restrain our tongue.

Proverbs 15:1 

1 A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Notice the common theme here. Nothing good comes from a foolish tongue, an unrestrained tongue. Look at the language the used, anger, beating, ruin, a snare. James in chapter three uses the picture of fire, “how great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire.” We may not think that our words, our tongue has power, but it does.

As your Pastor to youth, I have a deep burden for the mental health of our young people and if you have ever spent time around them, it would be very apparent that they know the tongue has power and the destruction it can bring.

“A 2010 research project studying 33 Toronto junior high and high schools reported that 49.5 per cent of students surveyed had been bullied online.”

“Boys are more likely to experience direct forms of bullying (physical aggression) while girls experience more indirect forms of bullying including cyberbullying.”

Our students are afraid to go to school and I cannot say that I blame them. But we are not so different…we tear each other down, gossip behind people’s backs, and wonder why people are struggling.

Thomas Watson says this “God has given us two ears, but one tongue, to show that we should be swift to hear, but slow to speak. God has set a double fence before the tongue, the teeth and the lips, to teach us to be wary that we offend not with our tongue.”

Now maybe you’re sitting there and think well I don’t know if this really applies to me, I am not out there slandering people, bullying people, and perhaps you are right. But Proverbs also speaks about those that have a sense of self satisfaction about their own words that they delight in airing their own opinions. It uses this imagery of fruit and that even hearing our own voice can become an addictive habit with dangerous results.

Paul Tripp said that “Constant complaints remind us that we keep sticking ourselves in the center of our worlds, making life all about us.”

Isn’t this the truth. In our sinful nature, we often like to make it about us and we become addicted to our own voice.

Let us be mindful of the destruction a foolish tongue can bring.

The Wise Tongue Brings Life

But just as our tongue can be used to bring destruction, it can also bring healing. A tongue that heeds the wisdom found in Proverbs, that reacts with patience in the face of insults will gain long life and divine favour.

Proverbs 10: 31-32 says, “The mouth of the righteous brings forth wisdom…The lips of the righteous know what is acceptable.”

Proverbs 15: 1-2 says, “A soft answer turns away wrath…The tongue of the wise commends knowledge.”

How many times could that argument been avoided if we just held our tongue? How many times will we see tears in people’s eyes before we change the way we speak?

Wisdom, is needed, because with it, as Proverbs says, it gives us “the ability to avert needless quarreling and to live in harmony with others.…Many conflicts arise not because the issues separating the parties are so great but because of the temperaments people bring to a confrontation.”

How many of us just read that and went oh…that’s me. When we come into tough conversations, do we come with wisdom, or do we come with a hot head, ready to lash out tongue?

“Wisdom is knowing when to speak your mind and when to mind your speech.”

- Author Unknown

Moreover, the body of Christ functions best when we build each other up, when we lift others higher than ourselves. Hebrews 3:13 says, “But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called ‘today.’” The use of our tongue to build and encourage is throughout Scripture.

And perhaps we forget it but people are listening to what we say. As we seek to witness to our neighbours, colleagues, friends, and family, they are listening to the words we use, how we speak about other people. So what do they hear? Do they hear encouragement, confession, and repentance, or just gossip? How would they view Jesus if all they had were the words we spoke?

Think of the impact our words have when it comes to our spouse, kids, friends, colleagues if we were to actually start speaking life into them.

How to Tame the Tongue

So how do we do this? We know that the foolish tongue brings destruction and the wise tongue brings life, but how do we actually do this every day?

It is not something that happens overnight but with the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit and practice, we can get there.

A Christian counselling centre put out a great article on practical steps to taming the tongue and so I have gleaned a little bit from there for us.

1) The first is to give our tongue to the Lord each and every day

As soon as we wake up in the morning, let us make the decision to give our tongue to the Lord. Even just by saying it in as soon as we get out of bed, something switches in our brain and we all of a sudden become more aware of the words we are speaking.

2) Pray that God would give us an awareness of our words

I know for me that some days we can slip into autopilot mode where we simply say the same usual phrases or have the same conversation over and over again without actually paying attention to the words I am speaking. Ask the Spirit to make you more aware of what you are saying or perhaps when not to say anything and just listen.

3) Surrender your right to complain

I love this one because the truth is, none of us are entitled to complain, especially when it is in front of other people and can make them uncomfortable. Now hear me, because I do believe there are spaces where we need to “vent” and process through difficulties. But “sitting in negative words is suffocating and causes death to the environment you are in.”

4) Repent and ask forgiveness for our foolish tongues

We are sinful and often misuse our tongues. We need to spend time with the Lord to repent and ask forgiveness of the times we did not use our tongue to speak life. Perhaps the Lord is putting someone on your heart right now as well that you need to ask forgiveness from, maybe they don’t even know what you said because you never said it directly to them. Repent and ask forgiveness.

5) Practice speaking life

May we be a people known for speaking words of encouragement, comfort, and inspiration to not only our brothers and sisters, but our neighbours, colleagues, whomever God has put into our life.

James 3: 9-12 says “With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. 10 From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. 11 Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? 12 Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.”

How are you using your tongue? Are you bringing about destruction or are you bringing life? What are some changes that you can make today that will change how you speak to your spouse, kids, friends?