Foolproofing Your Friendships

If we haven’t met, my name is Caleb Eissler and I serve on staff here in our Twenty-Somethings and Adult Group Life ministries. Even though I’ve only been on staff with PV for about 2 years, I’ve actually attended PV since I was 2, so about 25 years. PV is the church where I accepted Christ. PV is where I was discipled and mentored. And PV is the place where God first called me to ministry. So it is an incredible honor to be opening up God’s Word with you from the pulpit this morning.

But there’s one more thing you may not know about me. And it’s this. I didn’t come into this week expecting to preach this sermon. In fact, it wasn’t even on my radar. But the circumstances surrounding my preaching here today illustrate our topic perfectly. Today, we’ll be talking about friendship, and Pastor Merle gave us a beautiful picture of this in his absence today. Earlier this week, Pastor Merle received the news that the wife of one of his best friends passed away unexpectedly. Knowing he needed to be there to mourn the loss of a friend, but also to be there to comfort his friend, He took care of matters here and flew out to be with his friend. I know we just prayed a moment ago, but let’s take a moment to lift up Pastor Merle.

Pray

God, you are glorious and holy and powerful and more loving than we could ever imagine. Because of that, we are coming before you today and asking that you would lift up Pastor Merle as he seeks to comfort his friend James in light of the passing of his wife. We pray that You would use Pastor Merle as a Holy Spirit balm to the souls of James and the other family members hurting right now. Be with Merle as he mourns the loss of a friend, and thank you for the way he’s modelled biblical friendship for us.

Finally, God, as we open up your Word this morning, may Jesus be magnified above all else. It’s in His holy and beautiful name we pray…Amen.

Importance of Friendship

Today, we’ll be continuing on in our Foolproof series in the book of Proverbs, focusing on what the Bible has to say about godly, foolproof friendship.

Now, we could spend a big chunk of our time laying out why godly friendship is important, but my guess is that the vast majority of you listening don’t need to be convinced. COVID has shown us the devastating effects of isolation and loneliness. We were meant to be in community. We were made for friendships. Even in the Garden of Eden God said that is was not good for Adam to be alone without a companion.

Again, I doubt many of us would question the value of good and godly friendships, so the real question today is whether or not we actually practice godly friendship ourselves.

Today, we’ll be laying out the Bible’s vision of friendship from the book of Proverbs by looking at 4 principles and evaluating whether or not we live out these principles in our own friendships.

Jacob Sullivan

Before we dive into our 4 principles, I thought it would helpful and fun to briefly tell you about my best friend. His name is Jacob Sullivan and we’ve known each other for almost 25 years. [SLIDE: WEDDING PHOTO] We actually met because our parents attended a dinner for 6 gathering through their community group here at PV. Jacob and I have been friends ever since. [SLIDE: BEST MAN SPEECH] Just before my 5th grade year my family moved to a home 10 houses down the street from Jacob and his family. From there he and I attended 5th grade together, and then all of middle school, high school, and college together. We were roommates at college and attended the same church and served in the same college ministry while we were there.

We’ve always had shared interests. We were younger it was brownies and Batman [SLIDE: YOUNG BROWNIE PHOTO]. We got older, we shared other interests such as a love for Celine Dion’s music; a love for which we are not ashamed! [SLIDE: CELINE DION PICTURE]

As an aside, Jacob and I got to see Celine Dion in convert when she came to the Sprint Center last year. It was basically us, 2 twenty-somethings young men, and then a bunch of women in their 40s and 50s belting out Celine Dion’s greatest hits…and it was awesome!

But more seriously, while our friendship has been long, it hasn’t always been easy. There’s been some really difficult seasons where we’ve had to fight for our friendship. But it’s always been worth it. Over the 25 years of our friendship, I’ve seen Jacob live out each of the principles we’re going to talk about today.

So without further ado, let’s dive into our 4 principles about what godly friends are like.

Friends (Actually) Know You

Principle #1 is this: Friends Actually Know You.

Proverbs 18:1 - "One who isolates himself pursues selfish desires; he rebels against all sound wisdom."

Knowledge is a foundational part of friendship.

We cannot have real, godly, foolproof friendships unless our friends actually know substantive things about us.

Having a bunch of people around you who only have a shallow and surface-level understanding of what’s going on in your life isn’t godly friendship. It’s not even friendship. Those are acquaintances.

And in fact, just as Proverbs points to, when we don’t have friendships where people know us deeply, it’s incredibly dangerous.

We need people in our lives who know us intimately. We need people who know our joys and sorrows, our faults and accomplishments, and our deepest dreams and desires.

For some of us, we struggle to open up to others and part of the reason is because it feels safe not to. We’re afraid of what people will think of us if they knew about the skeletons in our closet. We’re afraid they’ll reject us, so we give people just enough information about us to make them feel like they know us, but don’t really give them any substantive knowledge of us. Those people aren't friends, even if they think they are. Those people are acquaintances because we treat them as such.

Social media can feeds this shallow knowledge because it allows us to cover up and craft our image in a way that can deter from godly intimacy in friendships. And, if we’re honest, many of us play this cover up game in real life too. But isn’t it exhausting always wearing a mask? I don’t mean the ones you’re literally wearing on your face right now. I mean the masks we put on to hide what’s really going on in our lives. I mean the acts we put on to make it seem like we’re fine when we’re really not. The acts we put on to hide deep sins and addictions we’re struggling with. Those masks, those acts are exhausting. But with godly friendships you don’t have to wear them. You can and should be honest about those things. One of the most freeing feelings in the world is being truly loved and known by someone.

Godly friends actually know us, and that means knowing the good and the bad about us and still loving us. That’s at the foundation for foolproof friendships.

Friends Are Loyal

Now let’s move to our second principle: friends are loyal.

Proverbs 17:17 - "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a difficult time."

Proverbs 18:24 - "One with many friends may be harmed, but there is a friend who stays closer than a brother."

Loyalty is vital for foolproof friendships. But loyalty isn’t defined by easy times.

It’s easy to seem loyal when times are bright and sunny, but what about when the storm comes. What about when you make a major mistake? What about when the floor falls out from under your feet and tragedy overtakes your life? Those are the times where you see true godly friends. Those are the times that real loyalty shines through.

Loyalty means walking with people through thick and thin. Loyalty means walking alongside people in their failures and sorrows so that you can help them grow and heal. Loyalty means not just offering constructive correction, but walking alongside someone to see the correction come to fruition.

In the last few years here at PV, a number of congregation members have endured unspeakable tragedy and yet in the midst of that, we’ve seen amazing loyalty and love from the congregation as many have walked alongside those who are hurting. That’s what the church is supposed to look like. That’s what godly, foolproof friendship looks like.

I’ve seen this kind of loyalty play out specially in a group of friends in my life. [SLIDE: SQUAD PHOTO] Over the last year or two, most of us have endured hard seasons in one form or another and this group has been there through thick and thin. They’ve shown incredible loyalty to one another. I have no doubt that if I were to walk out the church today and experience some kind of tragedy or hardship that by this evening, maybe even this afternoon, we would all be together; they would be there for me. And the same would be true if any of them experienced the same thing. That’s loyalty. That’s godly friendship.

Loyalty and Non-Christians

Think about how striking loyalty could seem in our friendships with non-Christians. So much of the world engages in relationships because of what they can get out of people.

Proverbs 19:6 says, “Many seek a ruler’s favor, and everyone is a friend of one who gives gifts.”

But when we show them that we’re befriending them not for what we can get from them, but instead for what we can bring to the table that changes the whole dynamic. When we show our non-Christian friends that we’re loyal and there for them through thick and thin, it’s a powerful Gospel witness.

Friends Forgive

Now for our third principle: Friends forgive….Friends forgive

Proverbs 17:9 - "Whoever conceals an offense promotes love, but whoever gossips about it separates friends."

Forgiveness is absolutely essential for any friendship. If we’re not willing to forgive, then we’re not willing to be friends.

To be clear, forgiveness isn’t just the singular act of saying, “I forgive you.” Forgiveness also means not constantly bringing up mistakes and hurts after you forgiven them. If you weaponized someone else’s mistakes after you’ve supposedly forgiven them then you haven’t actually forgiven them.

This forgiveness isn’t flippant either. This forgiveness means that you actually mean it when you say it. It’ not easy, but it’s so freeing when you do forgive. And when you’ve experienced forgiveness in friendships, especially multiple times over the years, it deepens friendships like nothing else.

Think about the way practicing forgiveness could impact our friendships with those who aren’t Christians. Against our culture that loves to cancel and shame people for their mistakes, showing forgiveness to our non-Christian friends would be a massive Gospel witness. It would display a kind of love and care that pierces the heart and is hard to find anywhere else.

Practicing principles like this in our friendships with non-Christians is vital for evangelism. Friendship is vital for sharing the Gospel. Our job as Christians is not to just bring non-Christians to church so that Pastor Merle or church staff can share the Gospel with them. No, our unbelieving friends should hear the Gospel from us before they ever set foot in the church building. Our unbelieving friends should see the Gospel proclaimed in our lives. They should she the Gospel proclaimed in our loyalty and forgiveness to them. They should see a clear and present trust in Jesus in all that we do. In order for them to see that, it requires us to befriend them and care for them, to be there for them in times of need and to love them deeply. That's where life change starts.

It’s easy to invite someone to a sermon where they might make an emotional decision but quickly fall away because they have no one to support them. It’s another thing to befriend them and walk alongside them every step of the way, helping them up as they stumble and progress on their journey to fall deeper in love with Jesus.

Friends Sharpen

Now for our final principle: Friends Sharpen….Friends Sharpen

Proverbs 27:17 - "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another."

When godly friends know deep things about us, they don’t use that knowledge for gossip or to tear us down, they use it to help us grow and build us up. They use it to sharpen us. And this sharpening happens through constructive correction

Constructive Correction

Constructive correction means gently and lovingly pointing out areas where our friends are falling short of their calling to look more like Jesus, and it’s always with the intent of helping them grow.

Notice that I said CONSTRUCTIVE correction. These moments of correction are meant to build others up, not tear them down.

So how do we give and receive constructive correction? We’re going to camp out here for a moment because I think this is one of the hardest parts for us in friendship.

When We Give Constructive Correction

Let’s start with how to give biblical constructive correction. When we give constructive correction, it’s vital we do so with humility, gentleness, clarity, and love.

If we act as if we’re better than the person we’re speaking to they won’t be drawn to receive our words.

If we offer feedback too bluntly without gentleness, it would be hard for people to see our care for them.

As Ravi Zacharias always said, “You can’t give someone a rose to smell after cutting off their nose.”

And we must be clear in our correction. If the person we’re talking to doesn’t understand the correction we’re offering then the exercise loses its effectiveness.

Finally, the people we’re talking to need to sense that we love them. They need to see that we’re offering this correction to build them up.

So we must offer constructive correction with humility, gentleness, clarity, and love.

Jacob Example

Just this week, I got to see a beautiful example of what it looks like to offer constructive correction and I was on the receiving end of the correction! Jacob called me to ask a few clarifying questions and offered some incredibly loving, gentle, humble, and clear correction and advice. Of course it’s never fun to receive correction, but it meant the world to me that he would be vulnerable and caring in that way!

Jacob perfectly modelled the wisdom of Proverbs 27:9 - "Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel." (ESV)

Now here’s what I know about giving constructive correction. For the people-pleasers like me out there, giving constructive correction is incredibly difficult. We can hesitate and keep silent when we shouldn’t. But here’s the deal. When we fail to offer needed constructive correction, we might feel as if we’re being sensitive and tender, but in fact we’re being deeply unloving. And here’s the kicker, because we’re close enough to our friends to clearly see the sins they are falling into, when we fail to offer loving correction to our friends, we actually share in their sin; we are complicit in their sin.

If we only ever offer compliments to our friends and never offer constructive correction when it’s needed, we’re just flattering our friends and we’re not acting as real friends at all.

Proverbs 29:5 says – “A man who flatters his neighbor spreads a net for his feet."

So we owe it to our friends to offer constructive correction to them in humility, gentleness, clarity, and love. That’s how friends and friendships truly grow to be more like Jesus.

One important note before we move to receiving constructive correction: if you never encourage your friends, they won’t receive your correction. If it feels like you never consciously build them up, it makes them less likely to hear what you have to say. We need encouragement. We should jump at the opportunity to encourage our friends; not in a cheap way, but in an earnest matter. Don’t squander opportunities to offer real, meaningful encouragement to them. Think of real and genuine ways you can encourage your friends this week and shoot them a text or give them a call. It will make their day, and will cause them to listen more attentively when you offer correction.

Receiving Constructive Correction

Now, how do we receive constructive correction?

For starters, we need to actually listen to what our friends are saying to us. If they are close enough for us to count them as friends and they clearly care about us, we would be crazy not to at least hear what they have to say.

You aren’t obligated to agree with everything the person offering correction says, but you are obligated to listen if you call them a friend.

Even if you don’t agree with the thrust of their correction, try to find a grain of truth in what they say so you can receive it and continue to grow.

The reality is that many of us struggle to receive constructive correction. But it’s vital for our friendships and vital for helping us look more and more like Jesus.

We have to see receiving constructive correction as an essential part of godly friendship. If you’re only looking for people to compliment you and praise you but never call you out, you’re not looking for friends. You’re looking for fans.

When was the last time you received constructive correction from a friend? If it’s been a while, you might think you’re doing well, but actually that might be a warning sign. It may mean that you’ve handled your friendships in such a way that people don’t feel comfortable speaking honestly to you. If you’re the one who always offers correction but never receives it, it doesn’t mean you’re better than everyone else or that you have bad friends, it means that you are the problem. If you never have a receptive attitude to correction, no one will offer it because they will feel like they’re casting their pearls before swine.

So how do we grow in this? One of the best ways to grow in receiving constructive correction is to actually seek correction out. When you seek out correction in a genuine and gentle way, you allow people to offer loving and honest feedback because they know you want to receive it so you can grow. Seeking out constructive correction doesn’t mean fishing for compliments, but rather looking for honest feedback that is both positive and negative.

Imagine if we sought out constructive correction at work, in our community groups, and in our friendships. Imagine how that might deepen our relationships and help us grow.

Twenty-Somethings Leadership Team

I’ve seen this play out in my life in a beautiful way with the Twenty-Somethings leadership team. Public speaking used to be my biggest fear. It’s why I ran away from God’s calling to ministry at first. So when I finally began to preach, I knew I wasn’t good and that I needed to grow. Because of that, when we would have Twenty-Somethings Leadership Team meetings I would actually ask the leaders to give me feedback on my preaching. Sometimes, actually many times, that feedback would sting.

I remember the first time I asked the team how my preaching had been, there was total silence and I could see themselves making panicked eye contact with one another to see who would be the one to deliver the news that my preaching just plain stunk. I walked out of some of those meetings with my tail between my legs sometimes, but it was the best thing ever for me. They hated when I would ask, but when they saw how I took in their feedback and genuinely sought to work on the things they pointed out, it helped build trust so that they knew they could continue to give constructive correction. I’ve grown leaps and bounds over the years, in large part, because of their loving and gentle feedback. And because I knew they loved me and wanted to see me grow when they offered constructive correction, it allows made their compliments and praise all the more meaningful because I knew they actually meant it.

They showed me the meaning of Proverbs 27:6 - "The wounds of a friend are trustworthy, but the kisses of an enemy are excessive."

Receiving constructive correction has helped me grow so much and it’s deepened my friendships too. It’s a vital part of foolproof friendships.

Jesus: The Greatest Friend

So do your friendships match these principles? Do you live out these principles in your friendships? How can you get to know your friends better? How can you show loyalty? How can you show forgiveness? Where can you offer or seek out sharpening through constructive correction?

The reality is that none of us live out these principles perfectly. We all fall short in some way. We need someone to show us how to live out true, godly, foolproof friendship.

No one has modelled friendship like Jesus. No one has set such as beautiful example for us like Jesus has.

Knowledge

He knew his friends deeply. In fact, he knew them exhaustively and yet he never weaponized that knowledge. He never used it to tear them only. He only used it to build them up.

Loyalty

He was fiercely loyal. He walked with his friends through thick and thin. Even when His closest friends betrayed him in his darkest moments, he still remained loyal to them.

Forgiveness

Jesus forgives. Oh does he forgive! No one forgives like Jesus. At the cross Jesus exercised the foundation for greatest act of forgiveness the world ever seen. He took on the guilt and shame, and punishment you and I deserve for our sin and he paid the price, even to the point of death. And his ultimate forgiveness frees us up to forgive others when they wrong us.

Sharpened

And Jesus sharpened his friends through constructive correction. He walked with them every step of the way, always seeking to help them grow and showing them love and encouragement like they could’ve never imagined.

Jesus is the greatest friend the world has ever seen.

Friendship With Jesus

But maybe you’re here today and this idea of Jesus as a friend is totally foreign to you. So what does friendship with Jesus look like? What does it mean?

Friendship with Jesus means having someone who wants to see you become the best you can possibly be, which means looking more and more like Him.

Friendship with Jesus means having someone who knows everything about you and still loves. Jesus knows you better than you know yourself. He knows your every success and failure. He knows your dreams and desires, and He knows your sins and mistakes and yet loves you perfectly.

Jesus knows every mistake you’ve ever made, every sin you’ve ever committed. He knows every skeleton in your closet and instead of running away from you because of them, He’s drawn towards you.

Your sin is not a barrier that keeps you from befriending Jesus: in fact, your sin is the only thing that qualifies you to be friends with Jesus and experience His forgiveness. Why? Because Jesus didn’t come to befriend perfect people. No, He came to befriend sinners like you and me!

Nobody, makes sacrifices in friendship like Jesus does. In fact, at the cross, He sacrificed Himself to pay the punishment for your sin so that you could experience perfect forgiveness forever.

At the cross, Jesus showed us the ultimate picture of friendship. As John 15:13 says: “No one has greater love than this: than to lay down his life for his friends.”

And Jesus shows his loyalty because He has promised to walk with you every step of the way, no matter many times you stumble. Even when the rest of the world abandons you, Jesus will always be by your side.

And your friendship with Jesus isn’t based on the mood He is in. He can’t possibly love you more than He does now, and He will never love you less. There are no ups and downs in His affections for you. He will never change. He remains the same yesterday, today, and forever.

Nothing compares to friendship with Jesus. It’s the greatest journey you could ever embark on. Friendship with Jesus means perfect and eternal joy. It means perfect delight and satisfaction forever. You’ve never met a friend like Jesus.

If you’re a Christian today, Jesus calls you His friend. No matter how lonely you may feel, you are never truly alone because He is always by your side. He will never leave or forsake you.

But maybe you’re here today and you’re not a Christian. Maybe you don’t call Jesus your friend but you want to. You want to experience that hope and love.

What does it take to be a friend of Jesus?

It means confessing your sin, that you have fallen short of God’s glory, and trusting that Jesus is mighty to save.

It’s believing that Jesus did all that was necessary to cover your sin at the cross and that He rose from the dead to show that His friendship, forgiveness, power, and loyalty will never cease.

If you place your faith in Jesus, He welcomes you with open arms as His friend.

And if you’re in a place where you are ready to do that this morning, there is nothing we would love more than to be able to pray with you and walk with you as friends on the greatest adventure you could ever set out on. You will never regret befriending Jesus.

Pray

God, we thank you for the friendship that Jesus offers. He does for us what we could never do for ourselves. He shows us what it means to be a true friend. Help us live as He lived. Help us proclaim His glory and His Gospel to the ends of the earth one friendship at a time. And for those here who don’t call Jesus friend, would you awaken them to the glories of Your Son. Draw them by your Spirit and show them the beauty of friendship with Jesus forevermore. It’s in Jesus wonderful name we pray…Amen.

Announcements

It’s been so good to worship with you today. Before we head out, I want to direct your attention to a brief video about some exciting opportunities in our Next Gen ministries. [SHOW VIDEO]

[AFTER VIDEO] *You’re just speaking to the people in the worship center tat this point*

The exciting opportunities Pastor Merle mentioned in that video are just a few of many things going on here at PV

PV Digital Bulletin

If you want to know more about what’s going on here at PV and how you can get plugged in, I want to encourage to you check out pleasantvalley.org/learnmore. This will give you an overview of everything going on here at PV including how you can serve and give online.

Rooted

If you are here today and are ready to foster godly friendships within the life of PV, I want to encourage you to check out Rooted. The kick off is September 13th. For more information about Rooted and to make sure you’re signed up to be altered when the registration link goes live check out pleasantvalley.org/rooted .

Encounter

August 31st

Online and In-person options

Over 70 folks already signed up

Staff in going through it

First Time Guests

Finally, if you’re a first time guest today, join us in the Next Steps Center just through these doors after service. We would love to meet you and we have a gift for you as a thankful for joining us.

Dismiss

It was so good to worship with you today! Thank you for joining us. See you next week!

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