Relationship Killers: Communcation
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Introduction: Today we begin a brief series entitled “Relationship Killers.” Relationships are vitally important for human beings and vitally important for believers. God created us in His image, which means, among other things, we are relational. Throughout Scripture we find that a lot of passages that deal with relationships…friendships, marriage, parents/children, employer/employee and the list goes on.
One of the things we know from experience and from God’s Word is that our enemy, the Devil, likes to attack anything that God deems important. Anything that has the potential to bring God glory, anything that has the potential to represent God well or to represent His church well, you can be sure the enemy is going to attack it. He’s going to assault it. Relationships are no different. Over the next couple of weeks wear are going to look at two things the enemy uses to destroy relationships: bad communication skills and greed. Today we want to look at Proverbs 15 and discuss communication. Before we jump in, notice some of the key verses of this chapter. Although these verses do not specifically deal with communication they certainly deal with relationships...
Scripture Introduction
Better is a little with the fear of the Lord
than great treasure and trouble with it.
Better is a dinner of herbs where love is
than a fattened ox and hatred with it.
Far too often relationships are built on the wrong foundation and when that happens wrong results are inevitable. In verse 16 Solomon is reminding his son that it’s better to have a home built on the “fear of the Lord” than a home built on money. It’s better to have “little” and Jesus than “a lot” and trouble.
The next verse is very similar. It’s much better to have “love” and only be able to eat a dinner of herbs, than to have an unlimited supply of steaks (fattened ox) and be surrounded by hatred.
There are a lot of things in life that are far more valuable than a lot of money and gourmet food. That love, peace and harmony and of course most importantly a relationship with God through Christ.
Of course the enemy wants to convince us that money, power, prestige is what will make us happy and what will either give us better relationships or make our relationships complete. As we probably already know that’s not really true. A happy home with Jesus is far more valuable than a mansion on the lake without Him!
Today we want to discuss communication and how important communication is to our relationships...
In order to save our marriages, friendships, congregations, and communities, we must be willing to do the hard work of learning to communicate clearly and well with one another. (Ministry Pass)
From Proverbs 15 I want to point out several things about the importance of communication…Number 1...
Our Tone is More Important than we May Realize (vv. 1, 4, 18)
Our Tone is More Important than we May Realize (vv. 1, 4, 18)
Notice these verses..
A soft answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
A gentle tongue is a tree of life,
but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.
A hot-tempered man stirs up strife,
but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.
Notice the phrase in vv. 1, 18… “stirs up.” Sometimes we refer to people and we say about them, “They like to STIR the pot.” What do we typically mean by that? Sometimes it means that we think they like to keep something controversial going or they like to instigate conflict. As it relates to our communication, our TONE can either be used to STIR UP ANGER and STRIFE or we can use our TONE to encourage anger and contention to cease.
Notice again verse 4… “A gentle tongue is a tree of life.”
“What a person says can bring either healing or harm. The teaching here affirms that healing words bring life to the spirit...thus giving the idea of therapy...This thought fits well with the image of the tree of life, which signifies a source of vitality to others. ... The contrast is the perverse, twisted, or “deceitful” words that crush the spirit” (Allen Ross, Expositor’s Bible)
Words that bring healing, that contribute to a person’s emotional health, are like a tree of life, a source of strength and growth. (Sid S. Buzzell, “Proverbs,” in The Bible Knowledge Commentary: An Exposition of the Scriptures),
A gentle tongue, or a gentle TONE can bring peace, and comfort, and encouragement, and strength on a difficult day. But if we use our tongue in a perverse way, a hot-tempered way, a harsh way, it’s just goint to STIR UP anger, discouragement (breaks the spirit), and strife!
YOUR TONE IS FAR MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU PROBABLY REALIZE!
Giving a “soft” or “gentle” answer can be used to diffuse a situation while harsh words can create an explosion.
How many times has yelling and screaming helped diffuse a situation or brought calmness to your home and relationships. Usually it only leads to MORE yelling and screaming.
Secondly, notice...
Our Talk Reveals Wise or Foolish Tendencies
Our Talk Reveals Wise or Foolish Tendencies
If we are wise our speech will...
Spread Knowledge (vv. 2, 7)
Spread Knowledge (vv. 2, 7)
The tongue of the wise commends knowledge,
but the mouths of fools pour out folly.
The word “commends” used in this passage refers to “increasing knowledge, or contributing to knowledge.” The tongue of the wise will seek to “make truth appealing.”
When a person is WISE they want to make those around them WISE so they use their speech to help others come to know the truth and they seek to present it in an appealing way.
The lips of the wise spread knowledge;
not so the hearts of fools.
Do you remember the illustration of the “tree” that we used earlier? One of the thing that a fruit tree provides is fruit. This fruit is a food source. That’s the way wise people are with their words. They communicate in order to “feed” others. Notice...
The lips of the righteous feed many,
but fools die for lack of sense.
Another attribute of wise people is that they...
Think Before They Speak (v. 28)
Think Before They Speak (v. 28)
The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer,
but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.
Does your mouth have a “filter?” The wise person filters their words. They “ponder how to answer.” However, the wicked person’s mouth “POURS out evil things.” They say what comes to their mind. They don’t ponder whether or not it is appropriate or how it might be misinterpreted…they are like a hand grendade…their mouth just explodes with “evil things.”
A righteous person weighs (carefully muses on or considers) his answers before giving them rather than blurting out the first thing that comes to his mind. That way his words are more appropriate and timely. (Sid S. Buzzell, “Proverbs,” in The Bible Knowledge Commentary: An Exposition of the Scriptures)
Are you WISE in how you communicate? Your words are valuable and powerful. We need to be careful how we use them, what TONE we use them in and WHEN we use them. Let’s notice the contrast of the foolish person’s communication...
Foolish
Foolish
Pour out Folly (v. 2, 14)
Pour out Folly (v. 2, 14)
A mouth pouring out foolishness can also be translated “belching out foolishness”
The tongue of the wise commends knowledge,
but the mouths of fools pour out folly.
The heart of him who has understanding seeks knowledge,
but the mouths of fools feed on folly.
Not only does the mouth of a foolish person “pour out folly” but the mouth of a foolish person “FEEDS” on folly! They can’t get enough of it! They lap up the gossip, and the put downs, and foolish speech that others give. While the wise person is seeking to become more wise by “seeking knowledge” (feeding) they are becoming more foolish by seeking foolishness. Be careful WHERE you graze and WHAT you graze on. “You are what you eat.”
Our speech is an indicator of our character, for what we are like on the inside (wise or foolish) determines what emerges in our speech. Folly pours out of the mouth of a fool... (Lindsay Wilson, Proverbs: An Introduction and Commentary)
Folly is a joy to him who lacks sense,
but a man of understanding walks straight ahead.
An important question in this discussion and in regards to relationships is this...
How do we Treat Those who Instruct & Correct Us?
How do we Treat Those who Instruct & Correct Us?
In this chapter Solomon also contrasts...
Foolish or Prudent Children (vv. 5, 20)
Foolish or Prudent Children (vv. 5, 20)
Parent/child relationships are so vitally important. It’s important for parents to set the right example and instruct their children in the way that they should go. It’s also important for a child to understand that their parents (not the government by the way)…their parents are the ones that God has chosen to oversee their education, their instruction, their spiritual upbringing and the list goes on.
Unfortunately Solomon understands that there are some “foolish children” who are not respectful of their parent’s role and responsibilities.
Note the contrast:
A fool despises his father’s instruction,
but whoever heeds reproof is prudent.
Solomon, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit chooses to use some pretty straightforward language… “A fool despises his father’s instruction.”
A wise child, that honors and respect their parents, and most importantly their Creator, makes their parents “glad” but foolish children DESPISE their parents. They despise parental, God-given authority. Notice...
A wise son makes a glad father,
but a foolish man despises his mother.
If you aren’t open to correction and instruction you are in for a long, hard, difficult life...
Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge,
but he who hates reproof is stupid.
Not only are YOU in for a long, hard, difficult life, but the parents who LOVED you and RAISED you are in for a long, hard, difficult, SORROWFUL life...
The proverbs of Solomon.
A wise son makes a glad father,
but a foolish son is a sorrow to his mother.
It’s not just children that Solomon addresses in this passage. Anyone, of any age, can disregard and rebel against correction and instruction. He goes on to talk about...
Rebellious Scoffers (vv. 10, 12)
Rebellious Scoffers (vv. 10, 12)
A rebellious scoffer is not open to correction.
There is severe discipline for him who forsakes the way;
whoever hates reproof will die.
A rebellious scoffer is one who HATES reproof. He/she literally DESPISES anyone who tries to instruct or correct them. As verse 12 says...
A scoffer does not like to be reproved;
he will not go to the wise.
A wise son hears his father’s instruction,
but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke.
A mocker resents such reproof and refuses to learn from wise people. (Sid S. Buzzell, “Proverbs,” in The Bible Knowledge Commentary)
Parents your TONE is important. The words you speak are important. Learning to think before you speak is important.
Kids, just as God is listening to your parents and the words they say and how they are instructing you...
He’s also listening and watching you. He knows your heart and whether or not you are a humble learner or are a foolish rebel.
So what’s the solution? What’s the solution to change our hateful, argumentative tone. What if we were raised that way? What if we grew up in a sarcastic, win the argument at all costs, spite-filled environment? How do we change that in our marriage, our relationships and our homes?
How do we go from having “foolish” communication skills to “wise” communication skills? Is there any hope? Can we change?
How can you as a young person, or a teenager change the way you speak to and react to your parents? How can you as a wife or a husband learn to humble yourself and seek wisdom and not assume that every time someone gives you advice they have an ulterior motive. What’s the solution to all this?
Solution
Solution
First of all you need to...
Realize Reality (v. 3) & Repent of any Sinful Communication Habits (Salvation/Rededication)
Realize Reality (v. 3) & Repent of any Sinful Communication Habits (Salvation/Rededication)
The reality is
The eyes of the Lord are in every place,
keeping watch on the evil and the good.
Understand God hears your tone! God knows your attitude! God sees your motives! God hears the way you speak to your spouse, your parents, your children.
The eyes of the Lord are in EVERY place and He is keeping watch!
Scripture reveals to us that one day we are going to stand before God and we are going to give an account to Him of EVERY IDLE WORD that we’ve ever spoken! Every thing we’ve every mumbled beneath our breath as our mom was walking out of the room. God heard it even if they didn’t!
God knows what you said to your wife and how you said it. He knows EVERYTHING you’ve said TO her and ABOUT her that wasn’t born out of LOVE.
God knows what you said to your husband and how you said it. He knows EVERYTHING you’ve said TO him and ABOUT him that wasn’t born out of RESPECT.
It’s time we FACE reality and come to understand that GOD KNOWS! Sid Buzzell said...
In His omniscience God sees and knows what everyone does, keeping watch like a watchman guarding a city. Wicked people should be warned and good people comforted by this truth. (Sid S. Buzzell, “Proverbs,” in The Bible Knowledge Commentary)
Since God knows the TRUTH there is no need to try to hide or make excuses. We need to come clean with Him and CONFESS and REPENT of our sinful communication.
If you aren’t a Christian today you are going to be JUDGED for those sins. However, God loves YOU so much that He made a way for you to be FORGIVEN of these things and ALL of your sins if you will trust Him today!
But what about those of us who do know Christ. What if we have confessed these things and repented of these things, what about the rest of today and tomorrow? Some of us REALLY STRUGGLE in this area. Some of us were RAISED in a toxic environment and that’s all we’ve ever known.
After confessing and repenting we then need to...
Depend Upon the Spirit for Discernment (v. 23, 28a)
Depend Upon the Spirit for Discernment (v. 23, 28a)
We need to learn to THINK before we speak and learn to depend upon God’s Spirit regarding WHAT to say, what NOT to say and HOW to say it.
To make an apt answer is a joy to a man,
and a word in season, how good it is!
An “apt answer” refers to the “right answer.” Too often we just say what we “feel.” Too often we engage our mouth before we engage our brain. Too often we say what we want to say rather than saying what the Spirit wants us to say.
We need to not only seek to say the RIGHT THING but we need to learn to say the right thing at the RIGHT TIME. “A word in season...”
Sometimes there are things that need to be said…LATER. Sometimes things need to be said after YOU close your mouth and LISTEN and PRAY. Just because you think it doesn’t mean it needs to be said and if it does need to be said you may need discernment about WHEN it needs to be said.
Verse 28 goes on to say...
The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer,
but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.
Learn to Change Your Tone (v. 26b)
Learn to Change Your Tone (v. 26b)
The thoughts of the wicked are an abomination to the Lord,
but gracious words are pure.
Ask God to teach you to use “gracious words.” Words filled with grace and encouragement. That doesn’t mean that we won’t have to say hard things, stern things, uncompromising things, but we don’t have to say it in a hateful or hurtful way.
Fin
Learn to LISTEN! (vv. 31-32)
Learn to LISTEN! (vv. 31-32)
Someone said God gave us TWO ears and ONE mouth because we should listen twice as much as we speak. Whether that’s true or not we do know we are told in Scripture to be good listeners...
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;
The ear that listens to life-giving reproof
will dwell among the wise.
Whoever ignores instruction despises himself,
but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence.
As one website said...
Communication is talking and listening. If we do one without the other, we will not grow in understanding, and communication can break down. (Ministry Pass)
May that humility and the wisdom of Scripture guide us in the way we communicate with our spouses, children, family, friends, coworkers, church people… (Ministry Pass)