Marriage & Divorce

Big Idea: Jesus speaks to the age old problem of divorce as He re-frames our minds around His kingdom view of marriage. Jesus also extend restoration and healing for those hurt by marriage and divorce. We will explore the cases in which divorce is permissible though not commanded.

Do funny bit about our marriage.

Link to a realistic bit about all of our marriages - Fighting in the car on the way over here. If you are normal you’ve fought about either sex, money, in-laws, kids, attitudes, jobs, too much time spent on hobbies, or mismatched hopes and dreams at least once this week. Go ahead and raise your hands if that is you…by the way I should see just about every hand up.

But for some of you, you’ve experienced something much worse in terms of marriage.

Caught a partner in the use of pornography.

Experienced unfaithfulness.

Been abandoned by your partner…You realized that that person you stood in front of on the happiest day of your life and said “I do till death does us part” had more in mind than death. Perhaps it was the younger co-worker, or aspirations at a new job, or drugs, or some other thing that they didn’t even tell you about and just left you. And perhaps they didn’t just leave you. Perhaps they left a house full of kids and left you with bills and debt, and a trail of estranged friendships who don’t know who to befriend so they choose neither of you.

Perhaps you’ve experienced abuse.

Maybe that’s been actual pain of physical abuse…and now you carry the scars, emotional baggage, shame, and even guilt of that.

Maybe it was much more subtle and the abuse came in the form of emotional abuse. Maybe they gas lighted you or made you feel crazy or played with your emotions.

Maybe it was verbal abuse.

Maybe it was the abuse of manipulation as your spouse turned friends and family members against you by magnifying your very real faults while minimizing any of their own.

Perhaps most sinister of all it could be sexual abuse you have experienced. The one person you were supposed to be able to trust. To fully open yourself to and be fully known by took advantage of that trust and used and abused you.

Perhaps you are sitting on the backside of a marriage defined by one of these three incredibly serious issues… or maybe two or three marriages. And you feel guilt. You feel shame. Maybe you were partly to blame and now…that’s all you can think about. Perhaps you feel

Maybe you are right in the middle of some of these issues right now and you don’t know what to do. Maybe you care a lot about what Jesus says and yet all you have is confusion around this particular topic.

Maybe you are single and yet you’ve seen the damage caused by divorce (either from your own parents or from others) and now…you want nothing to do with marriage. You are just fine either being single (which by the way is just fine and that’s a message we have been slow to get out as the church)…or…You have settled for relationships that you don’t truly commit to. Relationships that are purely physical or interest based that you don’t have to open yourself up to and be fully known in because the risk is just too great.

Here is the deal. Every single person in this room has been touched in some way by this issue of divorce. And straight talk…we’ve done an incredibly poor job handling it as the church.

Some of you bear the compounded scars of not only marital abuse but of church abuse around this issue. And while I wish I could dive deeply into every single one of these issues today and answer all of the questions (1. I’m not sure I have the answer to every question. 2. We will attempt that later. But perhaps thirdly and most importantly we need to develop a proper theology around the topic of marriage and divorce before we can ever hope to dive into the specifics).

My hope today is that we would allow Jesus to re-frame our view of marriage as He deals with the age old problem of divorce. As we do this, we see that Jesus has an incredibly high view of marriage not to be taken or entered into lightly. We also see that there is healing and restoration for those who have been hurt by marriage and divorce.

Before we do that though…do the in-context bit as well as the how we have hurt people by taking this verse out of context. You are going to have some emotions crop up in you as we read these verses I promise.

Matthew 5:31–32 ESV

“It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Add “man” in there as well. Your pain and problem the emotions come from that final line “whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”

But remember…I said that every word and every line has to be seen in the context of the entire biblical story.

You see...

Jesus has strong convictions towards divorce because marriage is supposed to be a picture.

Here is an expanded teaching of Jesus that shows this:

Matthew 19:3–6 ESV

And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Explain the marriage to God…the Bible begins and ends with a marriage. It is the most visible lived-experience analogy of our relationship with God.

We also see from this verse that:

Marriage isn’t just a contract, marriage is a covenant.

That may seem like semantics but…explain difference (do animals torn apart bit).

But here is how they responded to Jesus:

Matthew 19:7 ESV

They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?”

And this echoed what Jesus had already said back in chapter five…that they had indeed heard it said…(remind them of how we had already framed this conversation in previous sermons about anger, lies, and lust)

Here is what they had heard said:

Deuteronomy 24:1 NASB95

“When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out from his house,

You see the religious leaders had debated for years over the interpretation of “finds no favor” and “indecency”

In Jesus’ day, there were two basic viewpoints on this being taught by the religious leaders.

The incredibly unpopular and rarely taught viewpoint is that “finds no favor” and “indecency” was referring to some unrepentant and ongoing sin of unfaithfulness it was something the person didn’t care that they were doing and actually had led to open infidelity, abuse, or abandonment.

The popular opinion that was being taught in Jesus’ day was that “find no favor” means exactly what it sounds like. They were teaching that if your wife burnt your breakfast, you could divorce her.

Do we have any baseless divorces today?

Sure we do!

Do people ever leave there spouses because they just aren’t feeling it any more?

Or if they find someone else more attractive or who just gets them better?

People will leave their spouses because they are just tired of being married and want freedom to live how they want to.

People leave their spouses because of differences in goals or aspirations.

People leave their spouses because they are unsatisfied in their intimacy.

This issue of baseless divorces was just as much of an issue in Jesus’ day as it is in ours. And Jesus is pointing the finger at the religious teachers (and anyone else who bought the popular opinion) and saying that if that is why you get divorced then you are going on to commit adultery in every relationship thereafter.

What happens is that, instead of doing the difficult work of fixing the issues and fighting for their marriage, people often take the seemingly easier road of getting a divorce…we have made it as easy as breaking a contract in our culture but the reality that Jesus is opening our eyes to is that it us much more serious than that.

Here is how marital counseling usually works (at least from the pastoral perspective): Explain Dumpster fire marriage.

But Jesus recognizes that, although divorce was never God’s plan for marriage, there are still some circumstances in which it is permitted.

Key word being “permitted”

Divorce is never a command but is a concession.

Matthew 19:9 ESV

And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”

We have a hard time communicating ongoing or single incident actions in English. In the original Greek that the Bible was written in, however, that is what is going on here.

Explain unrepentant adultery and the escape available to people in that type of relationship.

This teaching on divorce comes right at the end of the passage on adultery and lust. Let me refresh you guys on a few Hebrew words I taught you back weeks ago.

Does anyone remember the three words for intimacy we talked about.

Rayah = Companionship or friendship Love

Ahava = Commitment Love

Dode = Sexual Desire Love

These are the covenant components of intimacy in marriage. If someone has abandoned all three of these and is unrepentant about it, Jesus offers us the concession of divorce as a way to escape what is essentially the abuse of covenant unfaithfulness.

The second concession given for divorce in the Bible is found in

1 Corinthians 7:12–16 NASB95

But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?

And to that you say what in the world is going on here right…Explain...

If your spouse can just up and abandon you, there is good cause to believe that there was probably never a true commitment to follow Jesus in the first place. And so:

If you have been abandoned by your spouse, you are not stuck in that position.

Given how Paul has extrapolated out this concept, we can take his words and do the same as we see the final concession for divorce.

That is namely that:

God allows for divorce in situations of abuse.

Romans chapter 13 bit…love and obedience to the government...

This means if you or someone you know is in a situation of abuse…be that:

Physical

Verbal

Sexual

Emotional

Spiritual

You need to get out. Please let someone know. Please invite the police or proper authorities into that situation because you do not have to suffer in that situation.

I know of real stories where people’s cries for help in abusive situations were met with disbelief or worse yet apathy and they were convinced to go back into the situation.

Although divorce should not be the immediate place we turn in those situations and reconciliation and restoration should be sought once the situation is safe and with proper oversight…it is an option if the other party is unwilling to change.

One of the biggest dangers that people in abusive marriages face is subjecting themselves to multiple cycles of abuse. Here are the top five reasons from the National Center for Domestic Violence that people will remain in that type of relationship:

#5 - Pressure from children

Children who love their parents and may not be the immediate recipient of the abuse who do not understand why daddy or mommy can’t come home and put pressure on the abused parent to go back into a situation. This is an incredibly powerful force that brings many woman AND men back into abusive situations.

#4 - Children’s Best Interest

Many believe it is in their children’s best interest to have both parents in the home. This can become more complicated if, again, the children aren’t recipients of the violence or abuse. While it is true that children from nuclear families (both parents living at home and actively participating in the parenting) generally (and the key word here is generally) fair better, the statistics of children growing up in abusive homes is considerably worse than a single parent situation.

#3 - Threats

Perhaps it comes as no shock that someone inclined towards abuse would leverage further power to threaten an individual to stay subjected to their abuse.

#2 - Abuser’s Influence

Maybe they have a publicly visible job. Or perhaps the abuser is in the military and you know that saying something will very likely end the abusers career or even more seriously, land them in jail. For fear of the consequences to the abuser (a person the victim likely loves) they will endure the abuse because the consequences are seemingly less severe than the cost to the abuser.

And finally we have the top reason that victims fail to find freedom from abuse:

#1 - Lack of an Advocate

When the survivor doesn’t have a tenacious advocate, he or she often feels intimidated, discouraged and ultimately hopeless about being able to navigate the complex legal and social service systems needed to escape his or her abuser.

Now…you may be sitting here thinking that this isn’t you. Right…good gee whiz information but it isn’t applicable to your marriage. And you may be right. This may not be your particular situation and if that is the case then thank God. But the sad reality is that it is the case for 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men in our country.

Let that sink in for just a second…the next time you are at Walmart just do a head count. On average, one out of every four of the women you see will endure some form of abuse during their lifetime. And if the number one reason that they do not escape their abusive situation is because there are not people who are tenaciously fighting for them and their children. We cannot stay silent. This is the unseen and silent epidemic that is ravaging our community. If we are going to be truly a community of good news. If we are going to be the image of Gods Kingdom here on earth we cannot leave this unaddressed under our watch.

But…this isn’t something we can program here at The Outpost. This requires every one of us committing to build the type of community where we can actually see these things when they happen and step in as that advocate.

CLOSING

Honestly…that approach may be needed in all of these situations…not just abuse. Maybe you came in here today and your marriage is doing just fine. Maybe you’ve been living out the concepts of a biblical marriage as you and your spouse are both following Jesus. If that is the case, then perhaps your next step of faith is to engage in discipleship relationships with others who aren’t quite as far along the tracks as you are speaking truth and life from your own experiences and the teachings of Jesus into their marriage.

If that is you, however, I cannot urge you strongly enough. Tell someone. It may be the scariest thing you ever do. Maybe even scarier than living with the abuse. But it is worth it. There is freedom to be had and it was never God’s plan for you to endure that.

Maybe though, you are right smack in the middle of one of the situations. A spouse who is unfaithful, a spouse who has left, or an abusive spouse. Maybe you are thinking that your only option is divorce but you are strapped with such guilt and shame that you don’t want to go there but you can’t think of any other option. Can I just say, that is not something that you have to go through alone. We want to start a healthy trajectory here at The Outpost Church as we walk along with you seeking reconciliation and restoration or perhaps in helping you pick up the pieces and find a healthy life after divorce.

Maybe you are on the other side of a divorce or of abandonment. Perhaps you have had the added wounds from the church compounded on top of that as the church has not typically handled this topic very well in the past. Maybe the best thing I can tell you this morning is that God loves you and we love. You are not damaged. You are not less than because you have been through a divorce. You do not have to live with shame or guilt. And although that is easy enough to say…I fully realize that it may be harder to believe and live as though it were true. And so, to you I would say, that healing, that restoration, that affirmation of love and acceptance will only come as you engage in community with the people who want to offer it to you. I don’t know how to assure you more fully that you will find love and acceptance here so please lean in.

But perhaps none of those describe your situation. Maybe you didn’t wake up today thinking about divorce. Perhaps your marriage isn’t a flaming dumpster fire. Perhaps there are just a few issues smoldering under the surface. And while you aren’t considering divorce today…who’s to say that isn’t the case six months or a year from now.

Jesus has been addressing these issues far upstream bit...

Do spiritual counseling

I’m not a fix all though and while there probably is a spiritual and practical component to your marital issues that can be helped by leaning into the teachings of the Bible, that may not be all that is contributing to your marital issues.

Maybe you need counseling for an issue of trauma, abuse, unfaithfulness, or abandonment in your past that is wreaking havoc on your current relationship.

Maybe there are financial or in-law, or parenting issues that need to be addressed because they are causing issues in your marriage.

Much like anxiety, this isn’t a simple fix but may require addressing multiple issues over several different domains of our life.

And so the question I want to leave you with is this:

What are the small fires that could threaten to burn down your marriage?

Step one is to assess.