Ephesians 5:22-33

Introduction

Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.

Today we face an incredible crisis in our western world. It is a crisis which receives little press. You will not see it debated in Congress. You will not read articles about it or see an expose on the evening news.

We are experiencing the intentional destruction of the most important institution in the entire world. An institution established before that of the church! We are witnessing an attack upon the family.

Even the very definition of what constitutes a family has come into question in our day. No longer is there an assumption that a family constitutes a married man, woman and children.

But not only the definition of marriage but even the desirability or necessity of marriage has been attacked.

“Half of Americans ages 18 and older were married in 2017, a share that has remained relatively stable in recent years but is down 8 percentage points since 1990.”

“The number of U.S. adults cohabiting with a partner is on the rise. In addition to the half of U.S. adults who were married, 7% were cohabiting in 2016. The number of Americans living with an unmarried partner reached about 18 million in 2016, up 29% since 2007.”

“According to the latest data from the National Center for Health Statistics, marriage rates hit an all-time low in 2018, the most recently recorded year. The national marriage rate fell from 6.9 to 6.5 marriages per 1,000 people from 2017 to 2018.”

Marriage is a commitment. A total commitment. Our culture isn’t big on that word nor the word which precedes it.

“Total” implies an absolute and we live in a world which bristles at the thought of absolutes of any kind.

“Commitment” is a word which induces anxiety and fear from a people who like to keep their options open. After all FOMO is real and to make a real, genuine commitment to something or someone leaves open the possibility of missing out on something better which might come along shortly.

But marriage is God’s design for how we are meant to live. We are meant, most of us, to be married. To be married one time, to one person until death parts us. To grow up together, enjoy life together, have children and grandchildren together. To experience all life has to offer and throw at us as one.

But, this kind of life, for all of its various benefits, is far from an easy one. We often hear married people say that one has to “work” at marriage. And the Apostle Paul would, in our passage today, heartily agree with such an idea.

Marriage requires a mutual love, service and attitude of giving and such a life isn’t always easy. Thankfully Paul gives us a wonderful word on how God intends for two people to actually “Do marriage.” This is our passage today...

Submit

Once when Mark Twain was lecturing in Utah, a Mormon acquaintance argued with him on the subject of polygamy. After a long and rather heated debate, the Mormon finally said, "Can you find for me a single passage of Scripture which forbids polygamy?" "Certainly," replied Twain. "'No man can serve two masters.'"

We make jokes about who wears the pants in the family but scripture is clear on how the family might function for the sake of sanity, safety and sheer do-ability. There cannot be two pilots flying the plane. They may work as one unit to get the plane from one city to the next but only one can be the final word on how to fly and maneuver the plane when there is a choice to turn east or west.

There is only one wifely duty which Paul insists upon a married woman, submission. This word means” to be subject to; subordinate yourself to.”

This does not mean the husband is to be a despot who rules his family with an iron fist. But he actually does teach that the husband exercises an authority the wife must forego.

“In areas where one must yield—for example, the husband’s choice of a profession or of a geographical location for his work—the primary submission under ordinary conditions should devolve upon the wife.” Vaughan, C. (2002). Ephesians (p. 116). Cape Coral, FL: Founders Press.

Some will scoff and say that such a marriage a relic of the past. Our modern sensibilities would never allow for such an archaic and grossly inconsiderate, offensive idea.

The problem with most modern people is simply this, they hear something they do not want to hear and stop listening. If we are to listen to the whole of what Paul teaches us in this passage the idea of submission becomes something altogether different than that which most modern listeners might hear or think.

The context of this passage is quite clear: “The wife’s submission is prompted and warranted by the husband’s unselfish love.”

“For Jesus, the responsibility of headship meant that he gave up heavenly glory and comfort for the sake of the church. He became the servant of all, humbling himself even to the point of death on the cross. His headship was clothed in love.” Boles, K. L. (1993). Galatians & Ephesians (Eph 5:23). Joplin, MO: College Press.

The submission Paul teaches in our passage is not something forced upon a woman by a demanding husband but a deference a loving wife shows to a worthy and devoted husband.

And this is exactly what a husband is supposed to be in a Christian marriage…devoted…devoted to Christ first and his wife second.

Husband’s Duty

The context in which Paul is writing is a brutal one for women. Among the Jews women were little more than property. The Greeks confined the women of the household to their own quarters and did not even permit them to eat with the men.

Paul’s instructions to the men of his day were in sharp contrast to anything they had heard.

The supreme duty of a husband was to love his wife. This is not mere romantic, emotional or sexual kind of love but a much higher form…a deliberate attitude of mind that concerns itself with the well-being of the one loved.

Love your wife — This is to care for the needs of someone even when they are undeserving and in kind or unlovely toward you. You do not wait for your wife to deserve your love..you simply give it. You simply care for her needs in every way possible…period, end of statement.

Three ways we love our wife here...

As Christ Loved the Church — Christ loved the church by dying on the cross for her sins. In so doing He makes us sanctified, clean and someday glorious. Without blemish.

Husbands are to sacrifice in order to help their wives become better followers of Jesus and to have the most abundant and wonderful life they can have. To live holy, without sin and deeply commited to Him and be the best version of themselves they can be.

As His Own Body — Husbands and wives are complimentary parts of one body. We do not love our wives as if they are part of our own body. We love our wives because she is our body.

Does Christ speak of the church as part of His body or does He call the church His actual body?

Understand this guys…we are one with our wife. What is good for her is good for us and what is bad for her is bad for us…period, end of statement.

Some helpful hints for a husband who wants to see his spouse experience God's best are posted in Daddy's Home, by Greg Johnson and Mike Yorkey.

A husband can: Back off (give her some space). Be patient (don't rush things). Love her as you love your own body (that's going to take some work). Affirm her role in the family (whether she stays home or works outside the home, she's got the most important job in the world). Pray for her as you've never prayed before (because God hears our prayers). Lower your expectations (you're not going to see fireworks every night). Do the little things (without expecting anything in return). Show her she's the most cherished woman on earth (she'll probably faint the first time you do this). Above all, persevere (you're in this for the long haul).

A wise husband builds his mate's self-esteem, realizing that the subtle words and actions of a sinful world constantly assault her sense of self-worth. He remains sensitive to her needs and is always ready to offer his support. Encourage your wife verbally and demonstratively. Words of cheer and praise are high octane fuel that boost your wife's emotional fuel tanks.

Love beyond All Other Relationships — We become one flesh but it isn’t just in the physical sense. We are one in every way possible and nothing can ever take precedence over that relationship. Not children, spouse, friendships, nothing.

We leave our father and mother to join with this person of the opposite sex in order that we might form a oneness that is to never be broken or superseded by anything or anyone in our life.

We were visiting friends when they received a telephone call from their recently married daughter. After several tense minutes on the phone, the mother told the father to pick up the extension. The newlyweds had had their first big fight. In a few moments, the father rejoined us and tersely explained, "Said she wanted to come home." "What did you tell her?" I asked. "Told her she was home."

Conclusion

Do you and your spouse feed each other a steady diet of put-downs? If you do, your marriage could be headed for divorce court.

When psychologists Cliff Nortarius and Howard Markman studied newlyweds over the first decade of marriage, they discovered that couples who stayed together uttered 5 or fewer put-downs in every 100 comments to each other. But couples who inflicted twice as many verbal wounds -- 10 or more putdowns out of every 100 comments -- later split up. Watch what you say! Little, nit-picking comments are like a cancer in marriage, slowly draining the life out of a committed relationship.

Perhaps this is a good place to start. What are you saying to each other? How do you respect, revere and honor your husband with your words? How do you love your wife with your words?

“The duty of the wife is to respect her husband and the duty of the husband is to deserve that respect.” Perhaps our words is where we begin today.