Broken Friendship

Illustration of mistaking the light shafts in the sky for the Northern lights.

Need: We often exchange the mirage of friendship for a real friendship

“To bury a friendship is a keener (more intense)grief than to bury a friend. The latter softens the heart and sweetens life, while the former hardens and embitters.” - Hugh Black

We will look at two general ways in which friendship is broken. This could be a perceived friendship (braclets, necklaces, gifts, top 5 lists) or a respected friendship that is broken.

“The result of such a breakdown of comradeship is often bitterness and cynical distrust of man. It is this experience which give point the worldling’s sneer, Defend me from my friends, I can defend myself from my enemies.”- Hugh Black

Friendship is Broken through Idolatry

The heart is needy, and it is foolish enough to turn to finite things for its neediness. A needy soul will come into a friendship to consume

Luke 14:26 NKJV

26 “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple.

Matthew 12:48 NKJV

48 But He answered and said to the one who told Him, “Who is My mother and who are My brothers?”

God is supreme, every benefit of friendship is derived from Him. He will use people to bring His benefits to me. I will express my love to God through loving people. Any person that is looked to in place of God is idolotrous.

The end result of such friendship is disastrous.

Jeremiah 17:5–8 NKJV

5 Thus says the Lord: “Cursed is the man who trusts in man And makes flesh his strength, Whose heart departs from the Lord. 6 For he shall be like a shrub in the desert, And shall not see when good comes, But shall inhabit the parched places in the wilderness, In a salt land which is not inhabited. 7 “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, And whose hope is the Lord. 8 For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, Which spreads out its roots by the river, And will not fear when heat comes; But its leaf will be green, And will not be anxious in the year of drought, Nor will cease from yielding fruit.

What are the signs of idolatry of friendship.

A friend is looked to as Savior

Why does a friend seem to be a more dependable savior- we can see, hear and touch them. There can be immediate relief. They can provide help the way we like it.

1 Corinthians 3:4–5 NKJV

4 For when one says, “I am of Paul,” and another, “I am of Apollos,” are you not carnal? 5 Who then is Paul, and who is Apollos, but ministers through whom you believed, as the Lord gave to each one?

Possible signs of looking to a friend as a savior.

The inability to go an extended time without texting or talking. Constant communication is needed to be okay

Lose interests in other relationships. For sure there is a care that consumes your life will lead to the inability to have other relationships (caring for someone with poor health, etc) However, there are selfish choices that can be made in this area. Young people face this when they face the pleasures of romantic love. They can become exclusive with the effect of not caring for others.

Unable to finish needed tasks without getting in contact with the friend

Hostile to those who interfere in the friendship

There is a break up and make up rhythm. With so much intensity poured into a person, there can be a great upheaval when one fails the other

Having to share everything can be a form of seeking satisfaction for a thirsty soul from someone else

A reverse in the savior role can also be idolatrous. We can enjoy being the only person that is able to help our friend. The friendship is enjoyable as long as you are needed.

Application of savior role in marriage: A husband is free to love his wife when he stops trying to be her savior.

A friend is looked to as Judge

Margaret was a young lady who enjoyed spending time with Allison. She was encouraging in many ways. She would compliment her about the clothes she wore. She would tell her not to worry about it when someone else criticized her for her tardiness and lack of planning. If Allison thought a book, movie, or activity was important, Margaret did to. Though Margaret enjoyed Allison’s company, she found that she was fear of doing many things without first considering what Allison thought. Allison enjoyed being with Margaret as well, but she never wanted to say anything that would hurt Margaret.

1 Corinthians 4:3 NKJV

3 But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by a human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself.

Romans 8:33 NKJV

33 Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies.

A friend is looked to as a guide

Friendship is not centered around age or common interests. Conner was 25 years old when he met Frank who had owned a successful construction business for 30 years. As Conner was just starting his business, he realized that Frank had a wealth of information that he loved to share with Conner. The interaction turned into more than just sharing business tips. Frank and his wife would have Conner and his wife over to their house for meals. They would watch their young toddler when they wanted to go on a date. Both Conner and Frank enjoyed the mentor type relationship and the enjoyable friendship. However, Conner would usually run most of his decisions by Frank. If Frank wasn’t around, he was fearful of making a decision. Frank was hesitant to send Conner to others for help because he enjoyed the being needed by Conner.

Psalm 23:1 NKJV

1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

John 10:11 NKJV

11 “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep.

A mentor friend shepherds upon behalf of the chief shepherd. He is but a part in the big picture of what God is doing.

Conclusion about the idolatry of friendship:

“We thing that idols are bad things, but that is almost never the case. The greater the good, the more likely we are to expect that it can satisfy our deepest needs and hopes.”- Tim Keller

The Paradox of friendship:

“On the one hand I say, I need you. God has appointed you as a means of grace to help me endure to the end. But on the other hand, I must say that the only way you can really help me is by saying something or doing something that will cause me to depend on God and not you.” - John Piper

Friendship is Broken through Isolation

We will look at isolation from two different perspectives. There is the isolation of result -this is created as individuals pursue separate gods. This would be the fruit of the idolatrous heart that we just viewed. (An aside is needed here. There is a separation that can happen because of distance or different stages of life that is not tied to anything sinful) There is another isolation that is a cause- one thinks that he doesn’t need others or needs others too much.

Let’s look first at the result of isolation. Two individuals (whether they enjoyed genuine friendship or the facade of friendship) act in such a way that severs their relationship.

Psalm 41:9 NKJV

9 Even my own familiar friend in whom I trusted, Who ate my bread, Has lifted up his heel against me.

John 13:18 NKJV

18 “I do not speak concerning all of you. I know whom I have chosen; but that the Scripture may be fulfilled, ‘He who eats bread with Me has lifted up his heel against Me.’

What severs friendship? We will look at it in it passive and active form.

Isolation happens because of neglect

Proverbs 27:10 NKJV

10 Do not forsake your own friend or your father’s friend, Nor go to your brother’s house in the day of your calamity; Better is a neighbor nearby than a brother far away.

This would involve interaction before the adversity.

This would involve not extending friendship to the highest bidder

Reliable friends are time tested and are commended as a better source of help than help that is to be expected from a distant relative.

This category can cover many area of neglect: unresolved offenses

“Go often to the house of your friend, for weeds soon choke up the unused path.”

Isolation happens because of dishonest speech

Proverbs 16:28 NKJV

28 A perverse man sows strife, And a whisperer separates the best of friends.

Clarification was not sought. There wasn’t honesty. Problems were brought to another.

This would caution against a friendship that is built around much negative talk of others.

We will speak in the weeks to come of what restoring friendship looks like when trust is broken.

I think a clarification may help here. Is it appropriate to go to a friend regarding a complication in another relationship? I think a test would be how the friends leave the conversation. Do we leave in arrogance? Did we get clarification on the matter? Do we both desire the good of the other?

We looked at two general categories that bring about isolation in a friendship. Now let’s conclude by looking at isolation as the cause of broken friendship.

Isolation seems safe but is deadly

Colossians 2:2 NKJV

2 that their hearts may be encouraged, being knit together in love, and attaining to all riches of the full assurance of understanding, to the knowledge of the mystery of God, both of the Father and of Christ,

Christian growth is a group task

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”- C.S. Lewis

“True friendship is a moral Preservative. It teaches something of the joy of service, and the beauty of sacrifice. We cannot live an utterly useless life, if we have to think for, and act for another. It keeps love in the heart, and keeps God in the life.” Hugh Black

Isolation as a cause of broken friendship occurs in another deceitful form. When you isolate yourself with another individual. You are jealous against anyone else competing with the friendship. (This is different than marital love which should be guarded against other lovers)

“In each of my friends there is something that only some other friend can fully bring out. By myself I am not large enough to call the whole man into activity; I want other lights than my own to show all his facets… (C.S. Lewis

One can greatly love their spouse by helping create time for them to be ministered to by other friends

Application:

Don’t sever a friendship because of its brokenness. Repent of the idolatry. Work through the healing an correcting process of genuine friendship. Allow God to further or close the friendship. From our earlier examples, Margaret may say to Allison: “ I appreciate the many ways in which you are an encouragement to me, however, I know I have blindspots. Would you feel comfortable telling them to me when you see them? Conner may simply need to wait a day or week before another major decision and commit the matter to prayer before he asks Frank.

Pointing you to Jesus and the gospel: Through Jesus ashes can be turned to beauty. In Christ your relationship is whole with the Father. Through Christ you can give yourself over to laying your life down for a friend and he will sustain you in the loss. Through Christ you can take steps of courage that may lead to shallow friends leaving, but He will not leave you empty.