We need to talk: Principles for Hard Conversations

Scripture Reading

I’ve been dealing with the following question as long as I can remember. It has every-day implications:

When it comes to conflict, when should I overlook the offense and when should I have the hard conversation?

Before I attempt to answer the question, I would like to offer the following disclaimer: I’M NOT AN EXPERT.

*Free resources

Two options to conflict: overlook the offense or confront the offense. It’s a hard decision.

Overlook the offense

Proverbs 19:11 ESV

11 Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

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1 Peter 4:8 ESV

8 Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

Overlooking the offense is giving the same grace I wish others would give me for minor offenses that we find in every-day life.

*NOTE- Overlooking an offense is not a pass for those whose default reaction to conflict is silence - that will only lead to resentment and bitterness because the offense needed to be addressed instead of overlooked.

When overlooking the offense is not an option, we need to confront the offense.

Overlooking is not an option when:

There is a pattern (i.e. broken commitments)

It’s hurting the offender (i.e. poor money choices)

It’s hurting other people (i.e. gossip)

It’s immoral behavior (sex outside marriage).

Behavior doesn’t go in accordance with the gospel. (Paul confronts Peter, Galatians 2:14)

Why we don’t confront?:

Fear of making a bigger mess

It can be painful. I rather get a root canal.

We don’t know how

The word “confront” seems like a huge mountain to climb

Confrontation: face to face meeting (MW)

from Latin com- + front-, frons forehead, front

We find this principle of “face to face” meeting in many places in the Bible.

Matthew 5:23–24 ESV

23 So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

Unaddressed conflict will deeply affect our relationship with God.

The goal of addressing conflict is for you to be reconciled with your brother/sister. However....

Romans 12:18 ESV

18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

This is very important to remember. Sometimes we won’t be able to resolve the conflict and reconcile.

MAIN IDEA:

Addressing conflict God’s way reflects his character in us

Put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness (Ephesians 4:24)

Principles for Hard Conversations:

1. Pray!

Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. (Ephesians 4:17)

The verb “To walk” is a word picture for our daily lifestyle.

It’s a negative command. Don’t walk in the futility of the mind.

Futility of the mind (“meaningless” in Ecclesiastes) describes life apart from the fear of God.

The world says, “Do it your way!” “Don’t get mad, get even.”

Prayer on the other hand declares our dependence on God for authentic transformation and for his agenda to prevail (i.e. Lord’s prayer, Thy kingdom come).

Satan’s strategy is to destroy relationships.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. (Ephesians 6:12)

We must forget that there is an invisible war:

No, Satan did not make you say those things

Yes, he can influence people

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. (Ephesians 4:26-27)

Satan would like nothing more than to exploit conflict to further his agenda.

Lies

Offense

Doubt

Discouragement

Vengeance

[Pray] also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel. (Ephesians 6:19)

I wonder how many opportunities we have missed to see God at work simply because we attempted to resolve a conflict in our own strength and wisdom?

Pray for discernment: does God want you to overlook or address the offense?

Illustration: Recent conversation with my dad: We must teach people the Word and we must also teach people to depend on the Holy Spirit, “We need power!”

2. Examine your heart

Put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires. Ephesians 4:22

We addressed this in-depth for two weeks (go back and watch).

Further questions:

How can I own my part of this conflict?

Who can I go to to help me spot my failings (Proverbs 19:20)

Once I understand and own my part in the conflict, I now need to take responsibility for I contributed.

“Even if I’m only 2 percent responsible for a conflict, I’m 100 percent responsible for my 2 percent. As I work to resolve conflict, it really doesn’t matter who did more. I need to take 100 percent responsibility for my piece of it.” Ken Sande, Resolving Everyday Conflict .

Now you are ready to to go talk to the person face to face

3. Speak the truth in love

Rather, speaking the truth in love… Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor. (Ephesians 4:15, 25)

"If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." is the phrase many were taught growing up.

I watched a video about a kid who did an experiment. He made horrible cookies on purpose then shared them with their friends.

The Bible says that we don’t have to choose between telling the truth and being kind.

Why is speaking the truth in love so important?

Because what you say is just as important as how you say it. (This is why social media is so horrible at this).

You could speak truth in anger

If I only emphasize speaking the truth, “saying it like it is.” then I’m tempted to be harsh with my words since all it matters is to speak facts.

But if all I want to do is to be loving without having to speak the truth, that’s not loving at all.

Being blunt is not a fruit of the Spirit.

You need both: speak truth in love

Here’s why:

Proverbs 25:15 says, a soft tongue will break a bone.

What is that mean? One commentator puts is this way,

The Book of Proverbs, Chapters 15–31 (2) Sayings for Courtiers (25:11–15)

“the bones are the most rigid body parts inside of a person, and fracturing the bones here refers to breaking down the deepest, most hardened resistance to an idea a person may possess.”

If you tell someone the truth with harshness that person is going to resist the truth.

But if I speak with truth with love and kindness and gentleness the result is going to be the breaking down of resistance to the truth.

“Can I talk to you for a minute? I want to apology for my reaction last night (name the occasion). I’m very sorry my words were unkind.

4. Avoid destructive speech

Let no corrupting talk (lit. rotten) come out of your mouths… Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice (Ephesians 4:29, 31)

AVOID the following communication pitfalls:

Avoid attacking the person. Don’t attack the character of the person. Instead, address the behavior

“Ugh! You make me so angry. You don’t care about us. All you care is about your family and what they want.

“You are such an idiot.”

Avoid defensiveness

Don’t roll the eyes

Don’t shut down (stonewalling)

Don’t interrupt.

Proverbs 18:13 ESV

13 If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.

Don’t walk away (flight)

Don’t blame shift

Don’t make excuses

“That’s not what I meant to say.”

“You are so sensitive.” “Why are you making such a huge deal.”

“I guess” “Whatever.”

Take responsibility for your words and actions. “You are not the 4th member of the Trinity.”

5. Use constructive speech

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. (Ephesians 4:29)

Now let’s look at some positive. Practice the following communication tips:

Do meet face to face if at all possible

There can be a lot of miscommunication through text message because you can’t see body language and you can’t hear tone of voice.

If face to face is an issue then go for a video-call or phone call.

Do express the issue at hand (instead of attacking the person)

“I feel (emotion) ______ when you (behavior) _______

Express what you want for the relationship & what you don’t want for the relationship. (Crucial Conversations)

Do listen in order to understand (instead of being defensive)

Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger (James 1:19)

Formula: listen more + speak less + controlled emotions = great communication.

One question that I’ve learned from David Swedburg is to ask, “Can you help me understand...”

Do take a time out if necessary

Ephesians 4:26–27 ESV

26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil.

Does that mean we have to address the anger and resolve the conflict literally before the sun goes down? It can’t mean literally before the sun goes down. Some places in Alaska would get three months in the summer until the sun went down again.

The main point of the passage is to address the conflict instead of letting if fester. However, sometimes is good to take a break if you are angry, tired or hungry.

6. Cultivate a merciful and forgiving spirit

Ephesians 4:32 ESV

32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Perhaps you feel overwhelmed by all the content. Keep the gospel at the center.

Notice how Paul brings the gospel over and over again in how we deal with each other.

“Deal with people the same way way God has dealt with you. “ Mercy - kindness - forgiveness.

The people that frustrate the most are those who sin different than me. “I can’t believe you would do such thing.”

When Sinners Say "I DO": Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage Chapter 5: Mercy Triumphs Over Judgment

This is a particularly sad expression of self-righteousness. Rather than sympathizing with the weaknesses or limitations of others, we act in condescending and demanding ways. We are finely attuned to the weaknesses of others but slow to see our own.

Ephesians 2 - experience the gospel over and over. “BUT GOD”

Conclusion: I want to close by extending an invitation.

Ephesians 4:30 ESV

30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.

What happens when I harbor anger and bitterness in my heart?

You block access to God. Why?

The Sprit is a person -it’s a relationship.

It grieves me that you gave the enemy an opportunity to work.

It grieves me that you speak truth without love

It grieves that you speak like that about people because they are created in the image of God.

It grieves me that rotten corrupted words are a hindrance to my fruit, the fruit of the Spirit.

It grieves me that your words and actions brings further division rather than unity to the body.

It grieves me that you lie to get what you want

It grieves me that you talk behind people’s back to slander their character

It grieves me that you are willing to do whatever it takes to get what you want.

The good news: repentance. Confess

Bibliography

Resolving Everyday Conflict by Ken Sande and Kevin Johnson

The Peacemaker by Ken Sande

Relationships, A Mess Worth Making by Tim Lane and Paul Tripp

War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Our Communication Struggles by Paul Tripp