When I Don't Feel Like I've Forgiven

Ephesians 4:31–32 NLT

31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

INTRODUCTION:

A- The process of forgiveness that I recommended:

1. Acknowledge the sin committed against you

2. Recognize the cost of the sin by addressing the pain this has caused. (Psalms is a great place to read for this)

3. Remember the gospel and God’s forgiveness given for you. Meditate on this. (Romans 12:2)

4. Release them of the debt they owe you (based on the sacrifice of Jesus)

5. Let go of your resentment and bitterness toward them

B- What happens when I’ve done this, but I still feel like I haven’t forgiven?

1. What about those times when I still find myself angry about what happened? Angry at the person who hurt me?

2. Feeling like you may not have forgiven someone can stem from several possible causes:

a. You may feel you haven't forgiven because:

1) You have a misunderstanding of what forgiveness looks like

2) You truly haven't forgiven because you're facing obstacles to forgiveness

3) You have forgiven but are still dealing with the wounds and will likely need to forgive multiple times

I- YOU HAVE A MISUNDERSTANDING OF WHAT FORGIVENESS LOOKS LIKE.

A. Remember what forgiveness is not:

1. Forgiveness is not a feeling

a. I want to address the issue of “feeling” forgiveness. While it’s a wonderful thing to feel good toward someone again, forgiveness is not a feeling and it doesn’t come from a feeling.

b. While unforgiveness in our hearts will usually show up in our feelings (and behaviors), whenever the Bible talks about forgiveness, it always treats it as an action.

c. When the Bible commands us to forgive, it never does so based on a feeling of forgiveness.

d. Remember, forgiveness is the action of releasing someone from the debt that they owed you and the bitterness or rage you held against them.

(Ephesians 4:31-32)

Ephesians 4:31–32 NLT

31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

2. Forgiveness is not ignoring or dismissing the sin that was committed against you.

3. Forgiveness is not forgetting.

4. Forgiveness is not reconciliation

5. Forgiveness is not easy

II- YOU TRULY HAVEN'T FORGIVEN BECAUSE YOU'RE FACING OBSTACLES TO FORGIVENESS

A. Perhaps you were wounded deeply, and you feel justified in your anger.

1. Some pains require deep processing, and we need to walk through that process.

2. However, sometimes we continue to process pain because it gives us something else.

a. In psychology this is called secondary gain.

b. It could be validation, a story/identity, compassion from others.

3. Evaluate why you're returning to the pain. Is it helpful?

a. Ask questions that take you beyond how angry you are.

B. Perhaps this pain and the bitterness against the offender has become part of your identity.

1. Maybe you have been replaying these wounds in your mind so long that you don’t know who you are without them.

2. Maybe your anger has become like an armor you’ve built around your heart to protect yourself.

(Ephesians 4:31)

Ephesians 4:31 NLT

31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.

(Ephesians 4:26)

Ephesians 4:26 NLT

26 And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry,

a. Anger is really bad armor.

(Ephesians 6:10-12)

Ephesians 6:10–12 NLT

10 A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. 12 For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

3. In any case, walk back through the forgiveness process and ask the Holy Spirit to show you what you might be holding onto.

4. Forgiveness is about aligning your purpose with God's (both for your life and the life of the other person).

a. You cannot live on mission with God and harbor resentment towards someone else.

b. Forgiveness is about choosing to love rather than resent/hate. (Jesus commands us to love our enemies)

5. There are a number of reasons we may choose not to forgive someone. However, all of these are disobedience.

C. Perhaps you’re trying to forgive without depending on the Holy Spirit.

1. The Holy Spirit is absolutely essential for power to do anything in Christ.

(Galatians 5:19-25)

Galatians 5:19–25 NLT

19 When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, 21 envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. 22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. 25 Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives.

a. This is why it’s essential to carry out the process of forgiveness in prayer.

III- YOU HAVE FORGIVEN BUT ARE STILL DEALING WITH THE WOUNDS AND WILL LIKELY NEED TO FORGIVE MULTIPLE TIMES.

(Matthew 18:21-22)

Matthew 18:21–22 NLT

21 Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” 22 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!

A. Forgiveness is a process.

1. Sometimes the hurt you’ve been through is like a death and it requires grieving.

2. Sometimes you will have to walk back through this process of forgiveness daily.

B. Jesus knows your hurt.

(Hebrews 4:14-16)

Hebrews 4:14–16 NLT

14 So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. 15 This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. 16 So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

1. Jesus understands your hurt.

2. Jesus is in the pain with you.

3. Jesus can take the pain for you.

C. Forgiveness is a process that happens only by the power of the Holy Spirit.

(Romans 5:5)

Romans 5:5 NLT

5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

(Galatians 5:16, 22-23)

Galatians 5:16 NLT

16 So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves.

Galatians 5:22–23 NLT

22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

CONCLUSION:

A. Now what?