Holy Sex: The Search for Identity (How did we get here?)

Scripture readings:

Galatians 2:20 NIV

20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Philippians 3:20–21 NIV

20 But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.

1 Peter 2:9–10 NIV

9 But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 10 Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

1 John 3:1 NIV

1 See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.

So big question for you? “Who are you?”

If I were to ask you “Who are you?” How would you answer? What would you say?

How would you define your self and your sense

of self at the core of your being?

I am talking about what we call an identity.

Let me give you a definition of identity: it is, to quote Tim Keller, a sense of self and a sense of worth.

It is a sense of who I really am at the core of my being—that’s the sense of self—it’s a core that never changes deep down in me.

and also a sense of worth--

and that that identity of who I really am is worthwhile, valuable, and important. It matters.

a sense of self and worth

You might define yourself based on your relationships, “I am a father, mother, brother, sister, son, daughter, husband, wife, friend.”

Or it might be based on work and accomplishments— “I am a mechanic, a plumber, a teacher, a financial advisor, stay at home parent…, an achiever…an athlete, musician, an A+ student..a politician”

maybe it’s based on career success and money—that’s my identity.

or maybe it’s romance and love life—one famous song says: “you’re nobody until somebody loves you”

and even good things can become our core of our being—even ministry for me can. even family or relationships can.

I ask this—b/c this is a huge question...

and to connect it to our series “Holy Sex”—it’s related.

we may ask— “How did we get here as a culture to the point where we are redefining marriage; redefining sexuality so much; even questioning and redefining what seems so fixed—and that’s gender identity? How did get here---

there’s a lot of things—but at the core—is this…the search for identity is behind some of the defining and redefinitions of sexuality…and gender.

I define myself by my sexual attraction, so I am straight or gay. that’s who I really am—there’s no denying it. and nobody can tell me otherwise. that’s my sexual identity—so my sexuality is more than just how I am but it’s who I am.

I define myself by my gender identity, so what I feel is true— “I am male or female or neither or both, or custom.” and nobody can tell me otherwise.” It is who I am.

In 2015, the NY Times (which I don’t usually read) but it had an article called “The Year we obsessed over Identity.” that’s the year that Bruce Jenner became Caitliyn Jenner.

Says “there is a sense of fluidity, and permissiveness, and a smashing of binaries.” a binary is a choice between 2 things—like male or female. we are blurring our identities and creating our own identities.

That was 2015—but I would argue that every year now—we OBSESS over identity.

even if you don’t define yourself by your sexuality or gender—more and more people are—but you and I do define ourselves by something—and often we do by looking inside and what we feel.

So who are you....really?

Tim Keller says that our culture is constantly telling us how to form an identity (and we don’t even realize it).

How does our culture tell us to figure out our identity:

Think about this—this may be oversimplifying things—but there are primary 2 ways to get an identity.

There’s the traditional way and now the present way, modern way—and depending on which part of our country or world you live in—you probably identify with one of these ways more than the other.

For instance, there is the traditional way. And in this way—culture is telling you to suppress and keep back your desires—”don’t be what you are feeling...” be what your family is wanting you to be; be what your community is wanting you to be; be who your superiors and your boss is telling you to be. So i don’t express myself—I fulfill the role of being a good son—because my parents want me to be that. I fulfill the role of being a good citizen, that’s my moral duty. I fulfill the role of being a volunteer and good servant. I fulfill the role of being a good employee. so I form an identity by looking outside of me and living up to those influences.

and this way of forming identity—is more common probably in small towns—but especially common in middle eastern and Asian cultures. (Christopher Yuan talks about it, the son of Chinese immigrants) It’s still very huge in the world…and there are problems with it…but I sacrifice myself for the good of the whole.

Lord of the Rings is a movie that shows this—little hobbits sacrificing their individual lives to save all of Middle Earth.

but this way of forming our identity is eroding.

Now, it is more common to have the present way of forming identity: this is the present, American way—it’s not based on what the community is telling you to do; or what my family is telling you to do; it’s based on what I believe, what I feel I should do inside of me.

Instead of looking outside—look inside and express who I am and nobody can tell me what to do. I decide. I create it. I discover it. That’s who I am.

so traditional culture is formed from the outside in “I gotta live up to those expectations.”

Contemporary American culture—is formed from the inside out… “I gotta look inside my heart and be who I really am.”

a couple examples—in the great movies of the Rocky series...

Rocky III—Adrian tells Rocky (played by Sylvester Stallone) that you need to fight nor for anyone else, not for what they are saying—but for you—Just you, Rocky. It’s on the beach, so moving—I am ready to go work out…but she is saying “don’t listen to everyone else—just you Rocky—your heart)

another great piece of poetry—says this “climb every mountain; ford every stream, follow every rainbow, until you can climb your dream.” Sound of Music, and this is being sung, one pastor says, by a community of nuns who took vows to sacrifice for the good of the community and they are singing it to Julie Andrews character—who is leaving her community—and leaving her community to find herself.

Every Disney movie—seems to have this—especially ones with romance and happily ever after. One example is the Disney movie—Moana—she is an island princess next in line to take over leading her people. Duty and traditional culture would demand that she stay and be the next in line to lead her people—stay on the island—fulfill your duty. her father says happiness is where you are...

but her grandma, gives her different advice...

“You may hear a voice inside And if the voice starts to whisper To follow the farthest star Moana, that voice inside is Who you are --”

Moana finds herself—by listening to the voice inside—not the voice of her father and tradition.

That expression of identity formation—that is American culture—very individualistic. It’s called “expressive individualism.” (I didn’t come up with that.) You determine it.

so you determine your sexuality—look inside “that’s who you are.” You determine your gender—what you feel—that’s who you really are. now what people tell you.

and that message—resonates with us so much....

now, let me show you some problems—and I give credit to Pastor Tim Keller for first showing me this:

BTW—there are some good things about this expressive individualism—before I rip it to shreds—for one the value of the individual is based on the doctrine of the image of God—that all people are created in God’s image—and no matter what problems they have, desires they have, expressions they have, handicaps they have or disabilities—all are valuable and worth protecting.

but...

if you base your identity by looking in....what’s the problem?

It’s unstable

why?

think about it—sometimes our desires on the inside contradict each other. and don’t make sense. I desire to be successful in my career and I also desire to be good father and husband and love my family. Which one is better? how do you know? can you figure it out by just looking on the inside and trusting the stronger one? My desires compete and often contradict each other.

another aspect of them—is that our desires are always changing.

There is a lot more research showing that if you are younger (and I will let you define it) and you are feeling pressure from society and others to question your sexuality and gender—there is a lot of research showing that if you just wait, get through your teenage years and through this crazy thing called high school, that your desires will not swing so wildly back and forth.

As Christopher Yuan says so well—your sexual feelings are not who you are. They are how you are—how you may experience desires—but they are not who you are—at core.

Tim Keller uses one of my favorite illustrations in this and your desires. When you are in high school, and you look back at your junior high self—what do you think? I was an idiot and a moron. And then when you are in your mid-20’s—look back at your high school self—what do you think? I was a moron-how could I be so dumb. And then in you mid-30’s you look back at your 20’s when you had life figure out and you think I was so arrogant. I am 36 and I can’t imagine what I will think of my 36 year old self when I am 46 and then 56 and 66 and 76 Lord willing. What’s the point? We are all morons with internal desires and feelings that constantly change. If we base our identity always on what is in the inside—it is constantly changing and fluctuating. It’s extremely unstable.

it’s like the foolish man who built his house on the sand and the walls came tumbling down

another thing about the modern way of forming identity

It’s not possible—

I say this—b/c is it really possible to say, “I don’t care what anyone thinks; what my family thinks, my church, my school, my gov’t” — I am going to be who I am and not care. Is that really possible without wanting outside approval? or without being influenced from something outside your heart…?

I don’t think so...

We always want and we always need someone or something outside of us to approve us.

When people come out on social media—perhaps making an announcement about their sexuality or gender or something else—and say “I don’t care what anyone else thinks...” People who do this often do so at great cost—they lose some of their family or former friends.

but often, what you will see are lots of comments and cheerleaders saying “good for you. Way to go. That’s right.” so they have gotten rid of one community outside them that disapproves them and gained a new community that approves them.

They are actually seeking support from outside them and a new community.

don’t you and I do this—when you and i post something on social media—we WANT IT to get likes. We want to get good comments. We don’t want it to just sit there. and if it gets a lot of opposition and negative comments, we don’t just sit back—we fight for it. and use all caps.

We want it—this just goes to show that we need something from outside of us to really shape our identity.

It’s legalistic and oppressive

and this may be the biggest problem.

the ancient way of forming identity—listen to the community or your parents—could also feel that way at times—b/c you are trying to perform and earn your parents’ approval or your community’s approval. so you have to perform and work for it

but the modern way is also legalistic too. do you know what i mean by legalism—instead of looking outside for the standard to work for—you create or discover a new standard that you have to live up to and work for and perform.

One philosopher says it like this: He makes the case that even though those older, non-western cultures were suffocating, you had to be whatever your parents told you to be, that was it. That was suffocating. But at least if you were just being a good son or a good daughter that didn’t have the same pressure as modern western culture which says, you have to have a dream, you have to decide who you want to be and you’ve got to achieve it.

so for instance—if you look inside and decide I feel that my career is what I will live for—then you have got to be successful, and if you don’t, you will live under a crushing burden your whole life. It won’t just be work—something good—but something you have to achieve at all costs. and if you never get there—it will crush you, and if you do get there—you will be an arrogant jerk thinking it’s all you that did it not giving glory to God.

if you look inside and make romance your identity—you will place a crushing burden on the other person that has to complete you…and guess what you will never find a perfect person (and you aren’t that either.) one writer famously said “My wife has lived with five different men since we have been married, and the truth is those 5 men are all me.”

Tim Keller mentions the movie Chariots of Fire—and in that movie Harold Abrams says—he was as famous track star—running the 100 meter dash and he says “I have 100 meters to justify my existence.”

if you look inside and make justice and social justice your identity—I am going to fight for justice, which justice can be a really good thing—but if it’s your identity—your reason for living you will never live up to it.

and if you make your sexuality your identity or your gender identity your identity—you may never find what you are looking for, and even if you do—many honestly say it is not as fulfilling as they hope and it crushes them.

so our culture says look inside—be that—that’s freedom…but ironically it’s just legalism—lots of pressure to achieve.

and it also leads to you judging and excluding others…b/c if you identity is your work—and you see someone lazy—you will despise them…they are so lazy...

if your identity is your politics—you will look at someone who disagrees with you and you won’t have a civil discussion—you will attack and feel attacked because they aren’t just attacking your views—they are attacking you.

you see looking inside—for your identity is so unstable; you can’t handle criticism; you can’t handle disagreement b/c your identity is being attacked. you can’t find the rest and peace you want—so you are always looking for something.

well here’s the good news of Christianity--

The Gospel the good news of Jesus—says “don’t look inside for your identity; in fact; you can’t always trust your desires b/c every part of us is broken and warped by sin—including our desires. It doesn’t mean we are as bad as we possibly could be—but we are broken with God, others, and our very selves because of sin.

the gospel of Jesus is good news—why?

all other religious systems—even the modern American way of forming our identity says this: “Perform, work, achieve, and then you will be accepted.”

“Do this and then you will be accepted.”

The Gospel takes that and reverses it—it says “You are accepted—now work.”

It doesn’t say “clean yourself up and then God will accept you.” No, Come to Jesus as you are, and God will clean you up.

IN other words—you don’t achieve your identity.

You receive it.

1 John 3:1 NIV

1 See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.

God lavishes his love on us.

how? why?

well, the Bible says because of sin—we are disordered, broken, and unstable—we need forgiveness and someone outside of us to give us a new identity.

and we can get that through Jesus.

b/c Jesus Christ—the reason the Love of the Father is lavished on us as his sons and children is because Jesus the Son of God

He lived the life you and I failed to live

and He died the death you and I deserve on the cross for our sins.

On the cross, the Father lavished the punishment for sin on him—that we deserved

so that when you and I put our trust in Jesus—Jesus takes our punishment and sin—and we get his perfection, righteousness, forgiveness, and a new identity.

when I believe in Jesus…I am crucified with Christ—and Rick no long lives—but Christ lives in me.

When God sees me—he doesn’t see a sinner. He doesn’t say “work and achieve my blessing.” No—receive it through Christ—

It’s like I was on death row for my sin—but now in Christ, I am given the congressional medal of honor—and I have done nothing to achieve it. I receive it.

God declares me and names me righteous. beloved.

I have access to the only one whose opinion matters—the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

Now if you truly know this—not just in your brain but in your heart—that you worship God—that’s where real changes comes.

This new identity in Christ--

stabilizes you—God tells you what is real, what to desire, what is right and wrong. you are no longer tossed back and forth by your desires.

criticism doesn’t melt you. you can have a conversation and disagree and not be so outraged and offended—b/c they aren’t attacking you; your identity is settled. It’s secure. built on the rock. you can sift through criticism and actually accept it b/c you know that because of sin you need help and you know b/c of Jesus you are secure, righteous, forgiven, and dearly loved in his sight.

you are at rest; you now work from a position of rest---your motivation changes; yes you can still work hard and have ambition—and you should work to the glory of God—we were made to work! but it puts work, career, achievement and money in its proper perspective

and to end by connecting it with sexuality and gender—I learn that I am not my sexuality and gender. I am not defined by my sexual desires or my gender identity which can be very enslaving and which can change.

I am defined by Christ Himself, and following Him is good news and worth it—and He knows what is best for me—and I can trust Him b/c He loved me and gave Himself for us in my place. That kind of God who would give His very Son for me—knows what is best for me.

We have a God who knows just how messed up we are—yet loves so much that He sent His Son to die for us and transform us and live inside us by the power of the HS

So who are you? How do you define yourself—Behold what great love the Father has lavished upon us and that is what we are...