Men & Women in Marriage & Church

[The organization and thought for much of this message flows from Kevin DeYoung’s book Men and Women in the Church: A Short, Biblical, Practical Introduction. See Appendix G.]

Very little time would need to be invested in the Bible to feel like the Bible was misogynistic – or at least to conclude that the Apostle Paul was misogynistic. He writes a number of phrases that at face value (and maybe not even just at face value) seem a bit off to our present sensibilities.

“The head of a wife is her husband” (1 Cor 11:3).

“Woman is the glory of man” (1 Cor 11:7).

“Woman was created for man” (1 Cor 11:9).

“The women should keep silent in the churches” (1 Cor 14:34).

“Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection” (1 Tim 2:11 KJV).

“Wives submit to your own husbands” (Eph 5:22).

“Do not permit a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man; rather she is to remain quiet” (1 Tim 2:12).

Often, these phrases are discussed or cited separate from their context, but even within their context, they are challenging to understand or accept. Each of these phrases flow from a specific context, and Paul directly connects each statement back to the first three chapters of Genesis.

So then, I would like to quickly work from Genesis back to these New Testament passages. Before we jump back to Genesis, let us acknowledge a few varied ways in which Scripture guides us. (1) Often, biblical authors divinely direct us by offering nearly black and white commands. “Don’t lie.” That’s pretty straightforward. Pretty helpful guidance. (2) What we have experienced in Genesis, however, is God offering a paradigm or ideal pattern through which we are to view and assess life. These passages often do not give us a clear command. Instead, they offer principles needing to be applied to different context. For instance, God does not condemn polygamy in Genesis. He sets a pattern that a man leaves his family and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh. We are supposed to draw principled conclusions from the paradigm (3) Let me acknowledge one similar but varied approach. God offers us a bunch of object lessons in order to see his divine patterns worked out. God gave us a pattern for marriage in Genesis but does not make a command about unacceptable marital patterns. He does, however, offer many examples in which men and women pursued alternatives to his divine pattern and in each of them, destruction and grief followed. God may not have condemned polygamy in Genesis, but he does offer a bunch of examples of men with multiple wives, and in each of them the results are horrible. Therefore, we can appropriately conclude that polygamy breaks God’s divine pattern.

Let’s go back to Genesis and draw a few specific principles.

Men and Women in Genesis

As we end a discussion of God’s creation and design of male and female in the first three chapters of Genesis, let us consider a few facts and/or principles. Other facts could be acknowledged regarding Adam and Eve’s creation, however, I have chosen to only acknowledge the facts that are highlighted by the New Testament authors.[1]

God created man and woman in his image as equals. Regarding inherent value, man and woman are equal. However, equality of value does not equate to uniformity of function.

God extended to both man and woman the command to “be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion…” (Gen 1:28). Man and woman need one another to fulfill these commands, however, they were each designed differently to primarily fulfill distinct roles within those commands.

God created man first. While the implications of this reality are not immediately or obviously flushed out in the text, the Apostle Paul will later acknowledge this reality as the grounds for the organization and roles within the New Testament church (1 Tim 2:12-14). Paul commands women to not “teach or to exercise authority over a man.” He then offers the reason: “for Adam was formed first, then Eve.” We will briefly consider this passage a little later.

God created man and woman differently. God created man from the dust and woman from the side of man. Within Genesis, the context indicates that God’s creation of Eve from Adam’s side correlates to the woman being a “helper” to the man (Gen 2:18-24). Additionally, Paul will acknowledge this reality in 1 Corinthians in his discussion on head coverings for women as they pray and prophecy in the gathered church assembly (1 Cor 11:8-9).

God established the husband as the head of the wife prior to the Fall. Male leadership is not a consequence of the Fall. Rather, abusive leadership becomes a consistent issue after the Fall (Gen 3:16b). God establishes Adam as the head when he gives Adam the command concerning the tree prior to the creation of Eve (Gen 2:16-17). Man’s responsibility to lead is as well displayed in God’s confronting man first, even though Eve was the first one to take the fruit (Gen 3:9). God treated Adam as the leader. New Testament authors acknowledge this reality as they saddle the responsibility for sin in the world on Adam. Paul writes in Romans, “sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned” (Rom 5:12). Simply put, God holds Adam responsible even though Eve was tempted and sinned first. A significant part of Adam’s sin was in his failure to lead his wife.

God punishes man and woman at the core of their identity. The curse on man results in his pain and labor on the ground and his ongoing challenge to be overbearing with his wife. The curse on woman results in pain in childbearing and her ongoing challenge to control her husband. While they would both struggle with wanting control, they would distinctly experience the curse in their distinct roles.

Men and Women throughout Old Testament

Within Genesis God offers some specific commands but primarily God outlines the ideal pattern for a man and woman. He creates them equal while distinct complements of one another and establishes a pattern of authority with man as gracious, sacrificial, but strong leaders and women as equal, capable, and compassionate helpers. Within this ideal we draw principles – such as the few we just previously considered.

As we move throughout the rest of the Old Testament, we find few commands concerning manhood and womanhood, but we do find a lot of examples of men and women working out God’s pattern – sometimes really well and at other times horribly. We need to be careful we do not draw biblical prescriptions from descriptions. However, we can draw inferences from many of the stories – inferences that support the ideal pattern God established in Genesis.

Only men exercise official leadership within Israel. I will acknowledge a couple of exceptions (kind of) to this rule, but simply stated, every official leader of Israel was a man: all the patriarchs, all the priests and Levites, all the judges with one exception, all the kings with one exception, all the writing prophets, and all those who occupied a governing position within Israel were men.

As I stated before, there are some exceptions. (1) Deborah did judge Israel for a time. And it’s worth noting that she seems to have judged Israel well. However, scripture indicates the shame inherent in the reality that she needed to judge and that no men were spiritually mature enough or willing to fill the role. (2) Esther played an immense role in the protection of the Jews. However, she was not the king and she didn’t rule in Israel. (3) Athaliah offers one additional exception. She was the monarch over Israel for a few years (2 Kings 11). Her rule began when she killed all the royal heirs and ended when one rightful, male heir was found and established as king.

Model women in the Old Testament. Even though men, in large part, led Israel, the Old Testament authors do not avoid offering many examples of godly women who left significant legacies within Israel. Esther risked her life to move the heart of a king for her people. The Apostle Peter offers Sarah as an example of a wife respecting her husband. Rahab is offered as a model of faith in her saving of two spies. Deborah stands out as the single female judge who strengthened Barak’s weakness. Ruth boldly and forthrightly directs Boaz to care and protect her. Abigail displays immense wisdom in navigating her husband’s foolishness and David’s potential wrath.

There were some wicked women. Jezebel is presented as worse than Ahab. Delilah tricks Samson, Michal rebukes David for his awkward worship.

Also, there were some wicked men – a lot in fact, too many to mention. Shechem sees Dinah and is drawn to her. He speaks tenderly to her and then decides to rape her. King David abuses Bathsheba by drawing her to his home, impregnating her and then killing her husband. Judah horribly mistreats his daughter in law Tamar forcing her to deceive and entice him. Lot offers his daughters to the town. And in Judges a Levite forces his concubine to go out to the men of the city who then abused her all night until she lay dead at the door. He then proceeded to cut her up and send her various parts throughout Israel.

The Old Testament scriptures are full of good and bad examples of men and women adhering to or rejecting God’s original good design. Each time God’s design is ignored or rejected, destruction of some kind unfolds. Conversely, blessing follows adherence to God’s good design. So then, while not a lot of OT authors offer commands involving manhood and womanhood, they do successfully outline the results of either following or rejecting God’s good original design.

Men and Women in the Gospels

Before moving on to some passages in which Paul directly connects Genesis to marriage and the church, let us briefly consider Jesus’ treatment and perspective on women. (1) Jesus treats women in a countercultural manner. He dismisses cultural expectations and criticisms. He interacts with women in places no other men would. He regularly cares for women amid their spiritual and physical pain and anguish. (2) Jesus regularly received care from women. Women cared for Jesus financially. Some consistently provided lodging and meals. (3) Jesus highly treasured women. He included them in the group of disciples that frequently traveled with him. He appeared first to them following the resurrection. Often, he used women as positive examples of discipleship. (4) Jesus treated women better than most within his culture. In his discussion on divorce, when most men saw women as a commodity or property, Jesus viewed them as precious people deserving of respect and fair treatment. When discussing lust, when most men justified mentally objectifying women, Jesus condemned not only adultery but lust.

However, Jesus never attempted to change or refashion God’s original, ideal pattern of equality and distinction between men and women. Jesus had no problem confronting the social taboos of his culture. He would have had no problem correcting cultural confusion over equality or distinction, and yet he never attempts to change or address the common understanding that men and women are distinct and men and women are equal while functionally different. DeYoung writes, “Jesus takes a back seat to no one in being pro-woman. And yet his being pro-woman never necessitated being anti-men or against sexual differentiation.”[2]

Men and Women in the Epistles

Three times, Paul connects the first few chapters of Genesis to guidance in his epistles. (1) In 1 Corinthians, Paul discusses the roles of husband and wife. He establishes “the head of a wife is her husband” (1 Cor 11:3). Paul then goes on to discuss head coverings, prophetic utterances, and public prayer. Following his directions, Paul offers his biblical rationale:

For man was not made from woman, but woman from man. Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man. That is why a wife ought to have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels. (1 Cor 11:8–10).

In so doing, Paul connects his directions to God’s creation order. (2) In Ephesians, Paul commands wives to submit to their husbands “as to the Lord.” He then outlines how a husband is to love his wife in the same way that Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Paul’s rationale includes drawing the readers attention back to Genesis. He quotes Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a mans shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” (3) By means of a little longer discussion, Paul discusses the roles of men and women in the church in 1 Timothy 2 and 3. In so doing, Paul connects both a woman’s involvement in the gathered church and the authority structure in the church back to Genesis.

I have chosen to not take the time to publicly exegete each of these three passages this morning. Instead I would like to just note a few principles within each which seem to be derived from our study in Genesis.

1 Corinthians 11:1-12; 14:33-35

Paul writes to the Corinthian church, “the head of a wife is her husband” (1 Cor 11:3). Paul employs a similar concept in Ephesians when he establishes that Christ is the head of the church (Eph 1:22). Clearly, the “head” possesses a certain level of authority. Additionally, Paul further delineates what he means by authority or headship when, in Ephesians 5, he likens the leadership of a husband to the way Christ sacrificially led and died for the church to protect her.

While this male headship conflicts with cultural sensibilities, even more so is culture disenchanted by Paul’s statement in chapter fourteen commanding women to “keep silent in the church. For they are not permitted to speak” (1 Cor 14:33-35). Many remain confused by Paul’s demand for women to be silent, especially since he seems to direct them to pray and prophecy in church in chapter eleven. While some conclude that Paul contradicts himself, a more plausible explanation rests in fully understanding each context.

In chapter eleven, Paul directs women to engage in both prayer and prophecy. He offers some instructions of how they should approach those moments of prayer and prophecy – specifically they need a visible symbol of submission. However, they are able to participate in public prayer and prophecy within the church setting.

In chapter fourteen, Paul directs women to be silent in the context of prophetic assessment. After directing the church to judge prophets and prophetic statements, Paul prohibits women from participation in that moment. The most plausible theory proposes the possibility of a man offering a prophetic word and his wife being the one responsible for assessing his prophetic word. In so doing, her assessment would sit as authoritative over her own husband. Instead of that potential conflict, women should remain silent in prophetic assessment and instead discuss any concerns or questions to their husbands later.

Ephesians 5:22-33; 3:1-13

To women. Paul offers a challenging command when, in Ephesians, he commands wives to submit to their husbands. He also offers a near impossible challenge to husbands when he commands them to love their wives like Christ loved the church.

It may sound archaic, if not fundamentally sinister, but God’s design for the home is a thoughtful, intelligent, gentle, submissive wife and a loving, godly, self-sacrificing, leading husband.[3]

Wives are to submit to their husbands, but ultimately their submission is to the Lord. “Christ is the supreme absolute authority; all other authority is only derivative.”[4]

This submission is not dependent upon cultural norms or even a husband’s love. Instead this submission roots itself in the theological principles that (1) a husband is the head of the wife and (2) her submission ought to reflect the church’s submission to Christ.

Note, the command is given to the wife not the husband. The husband is not to demand submission. The wife is to freely follow, ultimately as an act of submission to Christ.

To men. Now consider husbands. “Husbands, in loving your wives, lead, sacrifice, and care for them as Christ does for the church.”[5]In this sacrificial love, remember that Christ continually calls idolatrous people back to himself. Christ never carries any guilt or responsibility in their broken relationship. Husbands, however, always carry at least some portion of responsibility in marital brokenness. Yet, they ought always to love sacrificially and selflessly.

Note, the command is given to the husband not the wife. The wife is not to demand love. The husband is to love freely and sacrificially, ultimately as an act of submission to Christ.

Men. Lead your families. Take the responsibility as a leader and initiate the spiritual dimensions of your home.

D. L. Moody once remarked, “If I wanted to find out whether a man was a Christian, I wouldn’t ask his minister. I would go and ask his wife.… If a man doesn’t treat his wife right, I don’t want to hear him talk about Christianity.”[6]

1 Timothy 2:8-15

Let us address one more pertinent text in which Paul connects distinctions between men and women back to Genesis. In 1 Timothy Paul discusses the roles of men and women in the church in 1 Timothy 2 and 3. Paul connects both a woman’s involvement in the gathered church and the authority structure in the church back to Genesis. After stating that women should learn quietly, Paul states, “I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet” (1 Tim 2:11-12). Once again, Paul’s biblical rational for such a statement rests in Genesis. Paul goes on to declare that these directives are because “Adam was formed first, then Eve; and Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor” (1 Tim 2:13).

First, consider the challenging statement concerning women being silent within the church. Once again, the context must be the determinate for the meaning. Immediately following Paul’s statement about women learning quietly, he offers important contextual information. Paul’s discussion surrounds the public teaching within the gathered church and the formal authority structure of the church. Within these two specific contexts, men are to teach and lead. Paul’s statement about silent learning is more clearly articulated as Paul writes, “I do not permit a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man – and the context is specifically within the gathered church – which means this specific text is not talking about women teaching men in general or having authority over men in general.

Paul’s reason for such direction flows from his understanding of Genesis 2. Because Adam was created before Eve, Adam retains a position of authority. Additionally, because Eve succumbed to the serpent’s deceit, Paul concludes that women should not teach men or hold positions of authority over men within the church. I will admit that this seems like a severe consequence upon all women because of Eve’s decision. However, Paul, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit declares such to be true.[7]

The immediately following context then directly addresses the quality of men that should hold positions of authority within the church. And, within these qualities, we see elders primarily hold two roles - teaching and leading.

Paul has just stated that women should not teach or to exercise authority over a man. He then immediately declares who should fill that role – men who possess certain character qualities, certain abilities, and certain leadership skills. Paul writes the following:

The saying is trustworthy: If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task. Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church? (1 Tim 3:1–5).

After outlining primary qualities of the primary teachers and leaders within the church, Paul then outlines one additional role – that of servant/deacon. Amid his discussion on deacons, Paul includes qualities of either deacons’ wives or women deacons.[8] The word translated as their wives in the ESV has two potential meanings. Either gunaikas refers to women or wives. Either word offers an accurate literal translation, however the context must determine which is intended. I have no intention to solve that riddle this morning. However, we can draw at least one helpful conclusion.

Whether the verse is talking about wives who help their husbands in their diaconal work, or about women doing diaconal work as deaconesses, the outcome is that women are doing the same kind of work.[9]

Reflecting Jesus’ behavior and treatment of women, let us strive to follow two basic principles. (1) First, we must strive to liberate and facilitate women to engage and serve within the church in every possible area which scripture permits. (2) Secondly, we must, in keeping with both New Testament texts and God’s original design, limit the roles of corporate teaching and church leadership to men possessing appropriate character and abilities.

Footnotes

[1]There are several other important and practical facts. God created man and woman as distinct from but complementary to one another. God reveals these distinctions in the way he directs Adam differently than Eve. God was responsible for naming all the animals and as well named woman. God placed the man in the garden and commanded him to tend to it (Gen 2:15). As well, these complementary distinctions are implied within the one flesh nature of a man and woman. [2] DeYoung, Men and Women in the Church, 43. [3] DeYoung, 64. [4] DeYoung, 65. [5] DeYoung, 68. [6] DeYoung, Men and Women in the Church, 73. [7]One possibility: Paul may be making a statement about the nature of women – that they are more easily deceived. Those who hold such a view do not view women as inferior, but rather assume that the general design of women (their heightened relational sensitivity and awareness of others) may make them more prone to doctrinal deception. Second possibility: Paul may be making a statement about what happens when the roles are reversed. Adam was supposed to be the head, responsible for loving leadership and direction. But he abdicated his role, and Eve’s leadership influenced him for evil. As a result of this role reversal, sin entered into the world. Regardless the view, Paul does not ground women’s silence in first century culture but instead God’s original design. [8]Paul either addresses women deacons as a subset of deacons or he addresses wives of deacons. Kevin DeYoung holds the second position. I’m not convinced. However, he offers the following for his position. (1) It would be strange to introduce another office at this point. (2) The discussion in verse 12 (husband of one wife) makes more sense immediately following the qualifications for those wives. (3) If Paul were giving were giving requirements for deaconesses, you would think that he would include something about their families, about being a one-man woman. (4) The deacons must be tested first (3:10), while this is not required of the women in verse 11. (5) The reason the character of elders’ wives is not mentioned is that, though they can partner with their husbands in important ways, the wives of elders would not assist in their teaching-ruling ministry in the same way that the wives of deacons would help in their service work. (DeYoung, 92-93). [9]DeYoung, Men and Women in the Church, 93.