God's Design for Marriage

Prayer

Heavenly Father,

Give us grace as we come to Your Word.

Teach us

and Transform us by it

that we would be more like Your Son

and You would be glorified.

AMEN

Introduction

I am truly humbled and honored to address the subject of marriage this morning. I’m humbled because I recognize I lack expertise in this field and only have 6 years of experience under my belt! So, I’ll be quick to confess that I’m still learning, still stumbling, still being stretched, still growing, and still being challenged in my relationship with my wife, Trisha. I’m sure many of you married couples can say the same thing, even if you’ve been married for 50 years!

I really am honored, though, to be able to speak on such a weighty and vital subject. In light of our present culture and society, and especially in light of what the culture is celebrating during the month of June, I can’t think of another subject of more importance and relevance than marriage. The foundation of marriage is crumbling in our society. There’s confusion surrounding even the most basic components of marriage. There’s even flat out hatred and hostility toward the biblical, traditional Christian view on marriage.

Therefore, marriage is a subject that needs to be addressed and clarified biblically. Today is a wonderful opportunity, as we celebrate marriage, to look at God’s design for marriage as revealed in His Word. And what I want to emphasize about God’s design for marriage is, sadly, the most radical and controversial thing I could say in our present culture.

Theme: For His glory, God designed marriage to be a covenant relationship, between one man and one woman, that imitates Him and walks in Christlike love to model and proclaim the gospel to all.

This is an elementary principle. I’m not proposing anything new or anything you haven’t heard before. I simply want us to see what Scripture has to say about the oldest institution known to man, so that we would honor God’s design for marriage. The author of Hebrews writes:

Hebrews 13:4 ESV

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

The key word here is “all”. That includes those of us who are married, those who aren’t married, and even those who feel they haven’t been called by God to marry. “Marriage should be honored by all,” Scripture commands. So, let us value and honor God’s beautiful design.

We’re going to overview God’s design for marriage in two parts. The first part will be more instructional concerning God’s design for marriage, but then the second part will be more applicational; that is, how God’s design for marriage should impact our relationships.

1. God’s Intention for Marriage

I’ll start first with some instruction regarding God’s intention for marriage.

Creation Account

God’s intention for marriage dates all the way back to the Creation account in Genesis 1 and 2. In Genesis 1, we read, “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth” (Gen. 1:1). The entirety of chapter one breaks down what God created each day. Light and Dark on Day one. Sea and Sky on Day two. Gathering the Seas and Growth of Vegetation on Day three. Sun, Moon, Stars to govern the Days, Years, and Seasons on Day four. Fish and Birds on Day five. Land animals and Mankind on Day six. Mankind was God’s capstone and centerpiece of His creation.

Genesis 1:26 ESV

Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”

Genesis 1:27 ESV

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

Once we get into chapter two, we see that Moses is still recounting how God created mankind on this sixth day. The LORD created the man out of the dust from the ground and set him in the Garden to oversee it. But then God’s words in verse 18 hit us abruptly:

Genesis 2:18 ESV

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

This is one of the most important verses in developing a biblical framework to God’s design for marriage. After each day, God looked at His creation work and declared it to be good. Genesis 2:18 is the first time God says that something in His creation is not good or complete: “It is not good that the man should be alone”.

Here’s a sinless man, in perfect fellowship with God, in a perfect environment. What more could you want? Isn't that sufficient? "No,” says God! God determined that the man needed a human companion to relate to him and help fulfill the LORD’s purposes on the earth.

And so, the LORD GOD made for the man a helper fit for him. Many in today’s culture look at this verse and shake their heads with disgust, not able to comprehend why a loving God would give the woman such a demeaning role as “helper”. But the Hebrew term for “helper” is not a derogatory term. It is frequently used to refer to God's support for those in need and for His military assistance in the Old Testament. For example, Psalm 121.

Psalm 121:1–2 ESV

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? 2 My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

So, helper emphasizes the reality that the husband requires and even depends on his wife's support and assistance. From personal experience I can’t tell you enough how true that is! Husbands, the LORD knew what He was doing and what you needed when He directed you to your wife! He intended for each of you to complement one another with your particular giftings and personalities for your mutual benefit and joy.

Back in Genesis 1, Moses recounted God’s response to creating the man and the woman in His image and how they complemented one another and would fulfill His plan.

Genesis 1:31 ESV

And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.

One of the first things we need to know about God’s intention for marriage is that He declared it to be “very good”. He intended it to bring Him pleasure and to bring the husband and wife pleasure too.

Covenant Relationship

And that brings me to another thing we need to know about God’s intention for marriage from the Creation account. He intended marriage to be a covenant relationship. This is plainly evident in Genesis 2:24.

Genesis 2:24 ESV

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Out of the entire Creation account, this verse is the most repeated verse or most alluded to verse in Scripture. It is alluded to in Malachi 2:10-16, where the LORD admonished Judah for unfaithfulness and breaking their marriage covenants through divorce. It shows up in Jesus’ teachings when He was approached by the Pharisees and asked about divorce. This is how the Lord applied Genesis 2:24 in Mark 10.

Mark 10:7–9 ESV

7 ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, 8 and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. 9 What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

And of course Paul cites Genesis 2:24 in his teaching on marriage in Ephesians 5:31.

From the very beginning of Creation to the end of the Old Testament, to the teaching of Jesus and to the teaching of Paul, God’s intention in creating two genders was precisely so that they could enter into an exclusive and permanent covenant relationship.

Marriage is intended by God to be a covenant relationship, not a contract agreement. This is partially why we see so many marriages fail and end in divorce. Couples view it more as a contract that can be broken rather than a covenant that is binding.

There is a world of difference between a contract and a covenant. In a contract, two people make an agreement or arrangement that is contingent upon the performance of the other person. It’s an “If, then” agreement. For example, “If I fix another person’s car, then they will pay me $100.” That’s a contract where both parties have a part to fulfill. If I fail to do my part, then they don’t have to do their part and the contract is broken.

But a covenant is not like this at all. A covenant is a sacred promise. Going back to the car example, a covenant doesn’t rest on what the other person does. It rests completely on my faithfulness. A covenant, in this respect means, “I will fix the car no matter what the other person does.” They may have promised to pay me $100, but even if they fail to do that, I’ll still do my part.

This is essentially what a couple vows to do on their wedding day. They aren’t entering into a contract agreement that can be terminated on a whim. They are making a public commitment to one another before God and in the presence of witnesses that they will faithfully love each other “for better or for worse”.

So, we could define a marriage covenant as a sacred, solemn, public commitment that establishes a bond of love between one man and one woman with certain obligations that are binding for a lifetime. Imagine how many marriages would be saved if couples viewed their marriage as a covenant rather than a contract!

I still remember my wedding vows that I made to Trisha on the day we were married. I remember being so nervous as I stood in front of a bunch of people, holding Trisha’s hands in mine, and hearing my father (our officiant for the wedding) say, “Repeat after me”. I was so nervous because the night before, at the wedding rehearsal, I actually screwed up my vows, even with my dad saying them to me clearly so that I could carefully repeat them! Here are the vows I made to Trisha:

I, Jonathan, take you, Trisha, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, til death us do part according to God’s holy plan and with God’s gracious help.

Looking back on it now, I do think there was another reason why I was so nervous about saying these vows. Yes, I wanted to get the wording right. But, I think I wanted to get the wording right because I understood that the vows I was making that day were important. I understood that what I was doing was entering into a covenant with the love of my life. And that was a sacred, serious, and binding commitment I was making with her. They may not have been very unique vows, but they still hold power and permanency to this day.

So, out of the many things that could be said about God’s intention for marriage, at the very least let us understand that God designed marriage from the beginning of Creation to be a very good relationship; a relationship that provides companionship, produces joy, and promotes mutual good. And God also designed marriage to be a covenant relationship; a relationship that is to be taken seriously because it is a binding obligation to be faithful to one another no matter what.

2. Godly Imitation in Marriage

We’ve explored the instruction concerning God’s design for marriage, now let’s focus on how to apply it. If God’s intention for marriage is that it be a very good relationship, then how can we cultivate and experience healthy marriages? The answer is through godly imitation in marriage. I want to provide you with four ingredients or characteristics that will help you to cultivate and experience a healthy marriage. Not a perfect marriage, mind you, but a healthy one that honors God and His design. And, I do want to say that these characteristics I’m going to mention are not exclusively for married couples. In fact, they are actually meant to be practiced in our relationships with one another as brothers and sisters in Christ in the context of a local church. So, even if you aren’t married or desire to be married, these characteristics are still for you!

These four characteristics come out of Paul’s Letter to the Ephesians. In chapter 4 and half of chapter 5, Paul is exhorting the unity and upbuilding of the local church through our relationships as brothers and sisters. And then the rest of chapter 5 focuses on the relationship between a husband and wife.

At the end of chapter 4 and into the opening verses of chapter 5, Paul is getting ready to transition from addressing relationships within the church to the relationships within a marriage and family. And it is here that we find four godly characteristics that will positively impact our relationships, especially our marriages.

Ephesians 4:32–5:2 ESV

32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. 1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. 2 And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Paul commands us in chapter 5 verse 1 to “be imitators of God”. And in order to do that, we need to apply what he has commanded us to do and be in verse 32 of chapter 4. The “therefore” points us backward first and then eventually forward. Let’s go backward in verse 32 for a moment, where we see three godly characteristics and then we will go forward in verse 2 of chapter 5 for the fourth one.

A. Kindness

The first godly characteristic we see in verse 32 is kindness. “Be kind to one another,” Paul writes. The Greek word is “chrestos”. And interestingly enough it is a homophone, a word that sounds and would have been pronounced the same or very similar as the Greek word for Christ, “Christos”. That should tell us a lot already about what this word “kindness” is all about!

It’s a word that means “gently pleasant; or goodness with a nuance of serviceableness”. Kindness is displayed in how we treat others in our speech and conduct. It has more to do with our acts of volition than it does with our emotions.

In the Septuagint, the Greek translation of the Old Testament, this word “chrestos” is used to describe God’s character. It’s sometimes translated in our English versions as “good”. For example, David wrote in Psalm 34:8:

Psalm 34:8 ESV

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

Or, David later in Psalm 106 declares:

Psalm 106:1 ESV

Praise the Lord! Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!

So, from the Old Testament, this word describes God’s nature. And in the New Testament, this word is used only a handful of times, most often as a way to describe God’s character or even Christ’s character. For example, in a passage we are very familiar with, Christ uses this word for kindness of Himself.

Matthew 11:28–30 ESV

28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

That word “easy” is the Greek word “chrestos”. Because Christ is gentle and lowly in heart, His yoke is kind to those who come to Him! He does not burden us, instead, out of kindness, He offers us rest and relief.

Elsewhere, Jesus commands us to be like God saying:

Luke 6:35 ESV

But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil.

The way we treat those who are difficult to get along has a lot to say about our family identity. And let’s be honest, sometimes the most difficult person to get along with is your own spouse! If we truly are sons and daughters of God, then we will be kind even if our loved ones are ungrateful. And we do that because God has been infinitely kind and good to us, even while we were His enemies.

Kindness is that gentle and gracious manner that allows others to be at ease in our presence. When we put on and practice kindness, we will serve our spouses well and cultivate a relationship built after God’s own nature.

B. Tenderheartedness

A second godly characteristic that will help our marriages from Ephesians 4:32 is tenderheartedness. “Be tenderhearted,” Paul commands. Literally, the word means “have good bowels”! The ancient world held that the seat of the emotions was in the upper intestines, kidneys, and liver. And I suppose even today we still hold to that view. We use the expression “I have a pit in my stomach” or “He gives me butterflies” as a way to describe our feelings. We talk about gut-wrenching experiences or heartache in the same way, too.

Really, the idea behind this word “tenderhearted” has to do with being deeply and easily moved to pity, sorrow, mercy, or compassion. In fact, that is how some versions render this word. Be compassionate to one another. This is the strongest word in the Greek New Testament to express compassionate love or mercy, which involves the entire being of a person.

In the Gospels, with the exception of His parables, this word is exclusively used to describe the Lord Jesus’ affections for people. For instance, take Matthew 14:14.

Matthew 14:14 ESV

When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick.

Or when approached by the leper in Mark chapter one:

Mark 1:41 ESV

Moved with pity, he stretched out his hand and touched him and said to him, “I will; be clean.”

Tenderheartedness has to do with an affectionate response to another in need of mercy, comfort, or help. It is a sympathetic reaction that identifies with or relates to sinners and sufferers. Essentially, tenderheartedness is an inward emotion that explodes into an outward action.

Do you see how this characteristic should positively impact your marriage or any other relationship? When your spouse is having the worst of days, tenderheartedness reaches out to comfort them. When your loved one falls ill, tenderheartedness moves you to serve and tend to their needs. It’s the loving touch that says, “I’m here for you.” It’s the servant-heart that asks, “How can I help?”

Tenderheartedness is that wonderful affection that fuels faithfulness in a covenant relationship. It is that precious seed that will produce much healthy fruit in our marriages.

C. Forgiveness

Kindness and tenderheartedness, when put into practice, will result thirdly in Forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t so much a characteristic as it is the expression and outworking of a kind and tender-heart. Indeed, the root word of forgiveness used here is “grace”! That’s what forgiveness is all about. Notice what the standard of our forgiveness is to be.

Ephesians 4:32 ESV

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

God’s forgiveness is the model of our forgiveness. As He extended to us grace unconditionally in order to cover our debts and offenses of sin, so we are to extend grace in our marriages unconditionally through forgiveness. Our spouse may not deserve forgiveness, but it’s in those moments that we need to be aware that we ourselves don’t deserve God’s forgiveness in Christ, and yet we have it by His grace.

There’s a story told of John Wesley, who was traveling once with a General. Along the journey, the General became angry with one of his subordinates. And so the subordinate came to General and humbly asked for forgiveness. But, the General gruffly scolded the man, “I never forgive!” Wesley looked the General in the eye and responded, “Then I hope, sir, that you never sin.”

Warren Wiersbe has said:

“An unforgiving spirit is the devil’s playground and before long it becomes the Christian’s battleground.” – Warren Wiersbe

The failure to forgive another, especially in marriage, ultimately hurts ourselves. Bitterness is a prison, but forgiveness sets you free. No matter how deeply your loved one has hurt you, it pales in comparison to your sin against a holy God. To sin is human, but be imitators of God and forgive. It will be a blessing to your relationship with your spouse.

And so, maybe it would be good to do a little self-evaluation concerning forgiveness. Are you up-to-date on forgiving your loved one? Are you keeping a record of wrongs that you intend to pull out later to win an argument, get what you want, or simply to hurt the other person? Are you harboring any bitterness or holding a grudge?

When it comes to forgiveness, the real issue isn’t so much “can you forgive”, but “will you forgive.” So, will you forgive as God in Christ has forgiven you?

Ephesians 5:1–2 ESV

1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. 2 And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

D. Lovingness

Finally, in verse 2 of chapter 5, we have the fourth characteristic, lovingness. Is this an actual word? Yes, it’s in the dictionary! Did I choose this word to match the other words in the outline? Also, yes! Regardless, the point Paul is making is that we are to “walk in love, as Christ loved us.”

Just like the our forgiveness in 4:32 must be defined and determined by God’s gracious forgiveness, so our love in 5:2 must be defined and determined by Christ’s amazing love. This is not love as the world defines it. But love as Christ has defined and demonstrated. This is a Christlike love. Look at verse 2 again and we get a pretty clear picture as to what Christlike love is.

Ephesians 5:2 ESV

2 And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

According to this verse, Christlike love is a self-sacrificing, caring commitment that is demonstrated by seeking the highest good of its object. That is supported later when Paul wrote:

Ephesians 5:25 ESV

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

In other words, husbands, our calling is to imitate Christ in the way that we love our wives. But this isn’t limited only to husbands. It really applies to all of us. Men and women. Brothers and sisters. Our love for one another, in our marriages and in this church, must be cross-centered and gospel-infused.

This sort of love is costly, requiring the sacrifice of self. It is a caring sort of love, requiring us to “nourish and cherish” our spouses. And it is a committed love, requiring steadfastness and faithfulness in the face of massive trials, mountainous troubles, and marital turbulence. This sort of love is the summation and culmination of kindness, tenderheartedness, and forgiveness. It is a daily demonstration of the gospel in our marriages.

Conclusion

Godly imitation in these four areas will not only help us cultivate stronger relationships and healthier marriages, but it will also model and proclaim the gospel to a watching world. As Paul thought and wrote about the roles of the husband and wife in marriage, he quotes Genesis 2:24 and applies it in a spectacular way.

Christ and the Church

Ephesians 5:31–32 ESV

31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

Simply put, human marriage is an illustration of a true, spiritual relationship that exists between Christ, the Bridegroom, and the Church, His Bride. Marriage was designed by God primarily as a means to display His glory to the world through the demonstration of Christ’s covenant-keeping love for His Bride, the Church. That is the ultimate goal of this institution we call marriage. To display God’s glory and to declare the gospel in ways where speech fails.

You see now the importance, I hope, of honoring God’s design for marriage. Through godly imitation, marriages model gospel truths and Christlike character. In a culture where marriage is diminished or disregarded altogether, biblical Christian marriage reflects the hope of Jesus Christ through all the darkness.

That’s one thing I remember about my father’s meditation at our wedding. Trisha and I were racking our brains trying to remember everything my dad spoke about from this passage in Ephesians 5. But, what we both remembered was that he said our marriage is meant to be a mirror. It is designed to reflect Christ and His love for the Church. For the mirror to reflect its object properly it will mean the mirror must be constantly cleaned, polished, and kept clear. When done so, a watching world will see unique kindness, unparalleled tenderheartedness, gracious forgiveness, and gospel-love.

So, let marriage be held in honor among us all, so that God would be glorified and Christ would be magnified.