Marriage Counseling

the plan

Marriage from the beginning/role of husband/wedding details

Role of wife/seriousness of marriage/wedding update

Words of wisdom/Final Wedding Details

Marriage from the beginning

Matthew 19:3–5 NASB95

3 Some Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?” 4 And He answered and said, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?

We will use Genesis because even Jesus used Genesis to talk about how marriage works

summary given:

Genesis 1:27 NASB95

27 God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

detail:

Genesis 2:18 NASB95

18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”

marriage created for companionship

man needs help, woman is help

opposite we don’t see

man can do it all on his own

woman taking over

Genesis 2:21–22 NASB95

21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. 22 The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man.

important from his side . . . side by side

first example of being one, same team

God brings her to the man, reminds us of a father bringing his daughter to the groom

Genesis 2:23 NASB95

23 The man said, “This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.”

big part of marriage is a public vow

closest relationship - bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh

above children (Ken, Peyton), parents, siblings

this will help in decision making

taken out of man - she is me, me is she

Genesis 2:24 NASB95

24 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.

confirmation we are talking about marriage

leave and cleave (join) is priority - formed your own family unit

one flesh is consumation - public vow and consumation

Basics Understanding of the word “roles”

husband and wife are equal, equal worth, equal importance

What we are discussing, is roles

point guard, shooting guard, center, small forward, power forward

usher, choir, musicians, deacons, preachers, security

they work good when everyone does a good job in their role

roles = responsibility, duty, things accountable (to God) for

Roles as defined by the Bible

all of this is free-will; you are free to ignore the bible

in future discussions, you can bring these up, but you can’t make your spouse abide by them

both roles are extremely difficult, and require faith

Roles of the husband

Provider

1 Timothy 5:8 NASB95

8 But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

wife can provide also, wife can bring in more (helper), but it is not her responsibility

it doesn’t fall on her shoulders as the one to blame if needs are not met

Leader

1 Corinthians 11:3 NASB95

3 But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.

God ordained that man is the head/leader- this is an appointed position

only qualification is being the husband

side note: trust and respect have to be earned

not talking about being a big boss, but big responsibility

Husband is responsible for the family,

husband’s duty to lead family through this tough world

husband is accountable for leading

equality is still present: Is God the father greater than Christ? No

no, but Christ yielded leadership to the Father

not my will but thy will be done

reminder: man has a head too, Christ - he has to answer to someone one

Leadership should start with spiritual things; husband should also be equipped to lead spiritually

knowledge, and lead by example (acting right, praying, studying the Bible)

What do good leaders do

put people in position for family to succeed

delegate responsibilities

adjust - stuff not working, changing circumstances, mistakes

listen to advice

sometimes go against better judgment for sake of unity

people give ideas at church, I don’t like (if it’s not a sin, I might give in)

show them that what they think matters to me

lead by example

Can’t force wife to follow you

even as a pastor can’t force members to follow them at church

prevail on their character

earn their trust and respect

pray that God touch their heart

point to the Bible

Savior

Ephesians 5:23 NASB95

23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.

what does head mean

Savior!

What does our Savior do for us? Everything!

saves, makes provision, provides protection, help, encouragement, strength, teaches, give direction

How to do all this????

provider, leader, savior

honor her

1 Peter 3:7 NASB95

7 You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

be understanding . . . . know how your wife /women think, respond, be patient

leader has to know his people

weaker - weaker position, weaker physically, not weaker as a human

show her honor - private and public

that what good leaders do - they honor their people

warning . . don’t want your prayers hindered

love her

Ephesians 5:25–29 NASB95

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,

no doubt that Christ is in charge, head

but What did Christ do?

He loved us!

He was a servant leader!

demonstrated that love - he gave himself up, he sacrificed

Christ put our welfare first

because I love you, I will take this “L”; Christ took the L for us

losing argument to win relationship

ignore bad habits

v. 26-27 wife should be a better Christian because she is married to you

28 . love as you love yourself

Conclusion of Husband’s role

serious business!

some women hate Proverbs 31 because it seems to tough

men have a tough job too, match what Jesus did!

It takes real faith to be a Bible-like husband

the responsibility, duty, and accountability are too great to do it without God

pray for strength

it will be often be hard to love (not emotions), but the action of love (giving, sacrifice, putting her first)

because we naturally look for people to deserve our love, and sometimes you won’t feel she deserves it

also, because we look for return on our love . . . “If I do this, she better . . . . “

but Christ died for all knowing some would not accept, he just did what he was called to do

a husband must do what he is called to do

just have faith in God’s word about marriage

Closing

Questions?

wedding details

Write down the role of the wife (at least 2 or 3 sentences), from what you’ve been taught, told, observed . . .

without looking in the Bible

without consulting each other

email your answers to me

then you can talk about it before our next session

next week, role of the wife

role of wife

Proverbs 18:22 NASB95

22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the Lord.

this verse is assuming a good wife

a good wife is a special blessing . . . knowing she has my back

these other verses will show why

Companion

Genesis 2:18 NASB95

18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”

so he won’t be alone . . . friend, best friend . . . partner in life . . . person who has the husband’s back

story of sherry in the dark with me looking for intruder

Malachi 2:14 NASB95

14 “Yet you say, ‘For what reason?’ Because the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.

talk more about this scripture later, but you see companion

Helper

Genesis 2:18 NASB95

18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”

helper - help him do what he is called to do = all the things we talked about for the husband role

“don’t worry baby, I’m going to help you do all of that” (provider, leader, savior)

actually helping to do those things or give advice, warning, reminding, another set of eyes, another perspective

usually not a problem, wives like helping their husband

some of my biggerst arguments have been when she feels I don’t give her a chance to help

the problem arises when the zeal to help turns into take over

Supporter

1 Peter 3:1–6 NASB95

1 In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2 as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. 3 Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; 4 but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. 5 For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; 6 just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.

submissive has become a dirty word, but it doesn’t mean door mat, it doesn’t mean be quiet

What is a supporter - supporters help, but accept the authority of who they are supporting

“I support your decision” - doesn’t mean I agree with it

This scripture is an example of a wife supporting her unsaved husband - you are not even saved, but I will still support, help, follow

Being a supporter, being submissive is no problem when you both agree . . . but when you disagree . . . you talk it out and you still disagree . . .

then it is up to man to decided

test will come when you know your husband is wrong (not sinful) - real submission

how to respond to a bad situation

money situations

dealing with family

major things will come up and there will be disagreements

let your true beauty come from character - a supportive wife is beautiful to a husband

verse 6, uses the example of Sarah calling him lord, with a small “L”

Ephesians 5:22–24 NASB95

22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

your own husbands - not every man

as to the Lord, just like the church is to Christ - take this seriously, for real for real

Christ asks us to do things we don’t like, don’t understand, and simply don’t want to do

accept husband as the leader . . . .“I do” is saying a lot

What does this companion, helper, supporter look like?

Proverbs 31 Woman (10-31) describing this help, support

warning, it is on purpose describing a superwoman

not meant to be used a way to put women down, like if you are not doing all of these then you are a failure, but provide examples of what a excellent wife can do

it is describing ways she can help her husband

v 10 -12

- a good wife is precious

verse 11 - he trusts her

she is a blessing (not a hinderance)

v 13-15 not lazy

v16 - 19 - business minded

v.20 - tender hearted

v22 - uses her talents

v30 is the key - fears the Lord

homework

what does the Bible say about divorce?

Review

husband - provider, leader, savior

wife - companion, helper, supporter

you are not boxed in, but these are your biblical responsibilities

there is natural overlap

Advice - money

leading cause of marital problems

Have an agreement - run agreement through different scenarios

what is an emergency?

how to pay bills (which take priority)

adjust to your spouses priority

goals

Advice - remember what Love is

1 Corinthians 13:4–7 NASB95

4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Children

number of kids

discipline

Agendas

you have different agendas often (nothingn wrong with that)

if you recognize your spouse’s agenda you will be ahead of the game

going to a wedding

husband - duty

wife - social event

Advice - Pray together

money

leading cause of marital problems

Have an agreement - run agreement through different scenarios

what is an emergency?

how to pay bills (which take priority)

adjust to your spouses priority

goals

Will you be honest about money?

if you are not, then you are not ready to be married

can’t tell them about hidden accounts, that means you are not ready to trust somebody enough

Whose money is it anyway?

your money, their money, our money

Agree on giving

Giving to church, family, friends, charities

prioritize bills

house, cars, electricity, water,

know your spouse (they will not change) - “Buy Now & Pay Late" vs Save Now & Buy Later" to you?

Savings is used for what? What is definintion of an emergency

List 4 things that are important enough to go into debt

Bank accounts: joint, seperate, both . . . still our money

health insurance, life insurance

Which is best in handling money, credit cards, ect. the husband or wife?

or division of responsibilities

What does it mean to you if your spouse is making MORE money than you? (husband/wife)

Holiday/special celebration spending

Romans 13:8 NASB95

8 Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law.

Matthew 23:23 NASB95

23 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you tithe mint and dill and cummin, and have neglected the weightier provisions of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness; but these are the things you should have done without neglecting the others.

Luke 6:38 NASB95

38 “Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure—pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return.”

2 Corinthians 9:6 NASB95

6 Now this I say, he who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.

Proverbs 14:31 NASB95

31 He who oppresses the poor taunts his Maker, But he who is gracious to the needy honors Him.

1 Timothy 5:8 NASB95

8 But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Seriousness of Marriage/Divorce

but a look at Biblical reasons for divorce will give you God’s understanding of marriage

Malachi 2:14–16 NASB95

14 “Yet you say, ‘For what reason?’ Because the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. 15 “But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit. And what did that one do while he was seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth. 16 “For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with wrong,” says the Lord of hosts. “So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.”

God is a witness of marriage

marriage is a covenant

God hates divorce

you better watch out if you treat your wife wrong

Matthew 19:3–6 NIV

3 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” 4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Jesus is saying that they are one flesh, so they wouldn’t get divorced . . . that is the end of his argument!

Matthew 19:7–9 NASB95

7 They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give her a certificate of divorce and send her away?” 8 He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. 9 “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

don’t get divorced, and if you do get divorced and the other person did not cheat, you have cheated on your wife

mostly men would initiate the divorce, that’s why it is talking about divorcing wife

apply it to modern times would be the person who initiated the divorce

notice Jesus is saying that divorce is allowed . . . not commanded, expected

he’s expecting forgiveness

Matthew 19:10–12 NIV

10 The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.” 11 Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12 For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

Disciples realize that this is tough!

Jesus does not apologize . . . accept it or don’t get married

commercial

1 Corinthians 7:3–5 NASB95

3 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

don’t make it a habit to withhold sex because you are tired, angry, not in the mood

1 Corinthians 7:15 NIV

15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.

talking about one saved, and one unsaved spouse, but it makes sense to apply it to the idea that if your spouse leaves you . . . you didn’t initiate it.

Spousal Abuse?

no grounds given

I would advise separation - but separation where I don’t date anyone else

wait till they change

wait til they cheat

1 Samuel 18 gives example of woman who goes against husband’s wishes for safety sake, and it worked out well for her

Past Divorce for unbiblical reaons

confess your sins

homework/questions

TRUE LOVE?????

1. WRITE YOUR DEFINITION OF TRUE LOVE:

. DISCUSS ANY DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR DEFINITIONS.

2. List in priority (with 1st priority = #1)

God....job.......friends....…church . . . children . . . . parents . . . other relatives

home work(job related)

god marriage children church job parents relatives friends

god church marriage children parents job friends relatives

Discuss the above and list and conflicts with your intended spouse.

understanding way

pray

true love

1 Corinthians 13:4–7 NLT

4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

priority

where does marriage fit

God....job.......friends....…church . . . children . . . . parents . . . other relatives

God - marriage - children - parents - other relatives - church - job - friends

Sho’ nuff Counseling

plan for the things that irritate you, so that they won’t irritate you

man buys extra fries because his wife will ask for some

if you have a dramatic spouse, and you are not, learn not to get caught up in dramatics

cause they will be fine 10 minutes later, and you will still be distraught