Flow - Day 4: Confusion

Have you ever failed pretty miserably at anything? Probably everyone has it’s like really just a part of life. Some of us are just not gifted to be good at certain things right? But the way that we find out that we aren’t gifted at those things is to try sports, or music, or math, or whatever it is and find out either like “hey I’m pretty good at this” or “well, I stink” right?

That’s not really the kind of failure that I’m talking about though. I’m talking about failing in a worse kind of way. Failing to do something that you said you were going to do. Or worse, failing to not do something that you said you weren’t going to do.

I have an older brother, and his name is Kris. And growing up he was literally my hero. He’s 5.5 years older than me, so you know I looked up to him big time. He was always super patient with me, his little brother. One of the things that he was really into when we were kids was BMX bikes. And so naturally, I was pretty into them too.

I was a little guy still, probably only like 8 or 9 years old when I got a BMX bike of my own. It was small, and it wasn’t an expensive bike by any means, but I was really excited to ride with my brother. My family didn’t have much money, so this bike was like a super big gift to me. My mom was very stern with me about how i couldn’t leave it out where it might get stolen and that I had to take care of it and all of that stuff.

I promised, nothing is going to happen to this bike. So one day, my brother and his friends decided they were going to go riding, and I convinced them to let me come. My mom asked where we were going and my brother said “just around” and she told him “you boys better not be going to the track. You can’t take your brother there.” What she was referring to was this really awesome dirt track that some people had made in the woods behind our local mall. It had jumps, and side walls that you could ride up on and really pick up some speed.

My brother promised, no we’re just riding around Mom. So we were off, and we were riding and all of a sudden I realized, I was farther away from home than I’d ever ridden before. We passed my elementary school, then the pool, and then all of a sudden we were passing the mall. And I was like oh man. You already know where we were going don’t you. Yeah. We pulled off into the woods and made it to the clearing and there it was. The back track.

I’d never seen anything so glorious. It was at this time that my brother turned to me and told me, you can never tell mom. And I’m just like ok! And then he said you see that big jump over there… you can’t go over that on this bike. You’re too small. Promise me you won’t go on that ramp. So I’m like, ok ok!

I start riding, exhilarated right? just pumping my legs, riding up on these side walls, picking up as much speed as my little legs could muster, each time around the track hitting smaller ramps and landing jumps just having a blast. Then one time I was like, I’m going off that big jump. Everything has been fine. I’m gonna show my big brother what I’m made of. So I start pushing. Up one side wall, down picking up speed, hit a little ramp, land it and get more speed up the next side wall and down and now the forbidden jump is in my sights. I squared up with it, pushing my pedals harder than I’d ever pushed, i went up up up and over the jump, flying through the air and as I same down, I came down just a little bit sideways. My pedal hit the ground first and I ended up in a mangled mess with my precious bike.

I was ok. Pretty scraped up, but my bike was not ok. The pedal was broken off, the handlebars were bent. And worst of all my brother and I were going to be in a real heap of trouble. There was no denying where we had been. When we finally got home we walked up the front porch with our faces hanging to the ground. I told my mom what happened to my bike. She looked at both of us with such sadness and anger in her face.

We told her we wouldn’t go there. I told my brother I wouldn’t take that jump. But we did it anyway. We had failed to live up to our word. And it broke our hearts, it broke our mom’s heart, and it broke my bike.

And we all have these moments in life right. We say one thing and then something happens. We get ourselves into some kind of situation where all of a sudden we are doing the exact thing that we swore we would never do. And if you stack enough of these experiences on top of one another it can begin to feel like we are just drowning in failure, unable to see our way out. The failure begins to speak to us, confusing us, keeping us from being able to see ourselves the way that God sees us.

I just want to tell you that, if this feels like where you are right now, you’re not alone. We’ve all been there. The Bible is filled with people who experienced that same set of feelings. Peter certainly felt it. He felt is when he began to doubt and began to sink. But he also felt it later on in the story of his life.

So last night we left off with Jesus and the disciples coming down from the mountain of the transfiguration. They were heading on their way to Jerusalem, where Jesus would eventually be arrested and tried and sent to the cross.

During Jesus’s trial, Peter is kind of in the crowd lurking around trying to do who knows what, and this scene unfolds. It’s from Matthew 26

The New Revised Standard Version Peter’s Denial of Jesus

69 Now Peter was sitting outside in the courtyard. A servant-girl came to him and said, “You also were with Jesus the Galilean.” 70 But he denied it before all of them, saying, “I do not know what you are talking about.” 71 When he went out to the porch, another servant-girl saw him, and she said to the bystanders, “This man was with Jesus of Nazareth.” 72 Again he denied it with an oath, “I do not know the man.” 73 After a little while the bystanders came up and said to Peter, “Certainly you are also one of them, for your accent betrays you.” 74 Then he began to curse, and he swore an oath, “I do not know the man!” At that moment the cock crowed. 75 Then Peter remembered what Jesus had said: “Before the cock crows, you will deny me three times.” And he went out and wept bitterly.

Peter is in a tough spot, no doubt. His master is in there, likely being convicted of crimes that could get him killed. A whole range of emotions is probably circling through his mind. He still struggling with the whole “messiah having to die thing” that has been part of our discussions all week. He’s doubting a little bit. Maybe a lot. He wrestling with his faith right here in this moment. He’s wildly confused.

And then people keep asking him questions, and he’s likely a bit scared and certainly a bit flustered and so three times he denies that he knows Jesus. And as soon as he’s denied Jesus a 3rd time, he remembers this conversation that he had the night before.

The New Revised Standard Version Peter’s Denial Foretold

31 Then Jesus said to them, “You will all become deserters because of me this night; for it is written,

‘I will strike the shepherd,

and the sheep of the flock will be scattered.’

32 But after I am raised up, I will go ahead of you to Galilee.” 33 Peter said to him, “Though all become deserters because of you, I will never desert you.” 34 Jesus said to him, “Truly I tell you, this very night, before the cock crows, you will deny me three times.” 35 Peter said to him, “Even though I must die with you, I will not deny you.” And so said all the disciples.

Failure. And Peter knows it. He said “I will not deny you.” And then bam, he did exactly what he said he wouldn’t do. It’s a stunning reversal for Peter as he comes face to face with the reality of what has happened. He’s allowed his confusion and his doubts to lead him to this place where he is denying to even know the man who he has given the past 3 years of his life to. He’s denying the man he gave up everything to follow. And so he does the only thing he knows to do. He weeps bitterly. He knows. He knows that he has failed.

I’m going to tell you this. My little bike track incident was far from the last time that I failed in the same type of way. I told you that I committed to Jesus in a place just like this. And my life changed forever. But that didn’t stop real life from happening. It didn’t stop High School from happening. It didn’t stop bad decisions from happening. It didn’t stop 9/11, 2 wars, and a seemingly endless mess in the world from happening. It didn’t stop me from getting confused, getting lost, and making a royal mess of my life for like 12 years straight.

Sometimes I feel like more of my life has been spent confused and doubting than it has been clear and faith-filled. But here’s the fact that I know from my experience. My faith-lessness is over powered by God’s faithfullness. Let me say that again.

That means that in those moments of doubt, and seasons of confusion when I don’t know who I am, whos I am, or what I’m doing, God is still faithful. God is still with me.

When I fail to live up to the commitments that I make to others, when I fail, when I don’t live like someone who has made a commitment to Jesus, guess what, God is still faithful. God is still with me,

I want you to know that the same thing applies to you. You may be totally filled with clarity and faith when you leave camp this week, but then find that the real world is really rough. You may find yourself lost and confused and drowning again and wondering if this whole thing was really real. If the way you feel here actually meant any thing at all. You may wonder if God is actually who we’ve been telling you God is.

I’m going to tell you something, it’s ok. It’s ok to feel that way, and to be confused and to have doubts and questions and just not be sure. It’s ok to feel like you are failing. Because God is still faithful. God is still there. God is still holding you.

Not long after Peter denied knowing Jesus, he was sentenced to death on the cross. Jesus was beaten, made fun of, and forced to carry his own cross in humiliation out of the city walls of Jerusalem, to the site of his crucifixion.

This town, these people in Jerusalem, had just days earlier celebrated the coming of Jesus, their messiah king. And in a moment of collective confusion they demanded that he be crucified for his crimes.

And so, in the most public possible way, Jesus was shamed. He was shamed because of their doubts, he was shamed because of their disbelief, and he was shamed because of their confusion. He was shamed right up until the moment that he was nailed to the cross, and while the crowds stood their laughing at him, and mocking him, he spoke these words of comfort.

Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.

This is not some backhanded, sarcastic comment that Jesus is making. This is real. This is how Jesus really felt in that moment about all of the people from the high priests, to the roman government, to the crowds of people who yelled crucify him. This is how Jesus felt about all of these people who were actively involved in his death. This is how Jesus felt about Peter, who had denied him hours earlier. And this is still how Jesus feels about all of us.

When we are stuck in our mess. God is faithful. God forgives.

Our confusion, our doubt, our wandering is no match for God’s great love for us, the love that he sowed to us through the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross.

It is when we are most lost, most confused, dealing with the most doubt that God truly wants to meet with us. He wants to meet with us and assure us that He has always been right here holding us.

I had this piece of art in my house as a kid. And its a poem that maybe you’ve heard or seen before. But I can’t really think of any better representation of what it means for God to be with us when we are struggling.

One night I had a dream…

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of my life flashed before us, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along the path of my life, There was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it. “Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, You would walk with me all the way; But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, There is only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why in times when I needed you the most, you should leave me.

The Lord replied, “My precious, precious child. I love you, and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you.

I’ve tried to remember this reality for all of my days, that when I feel the most lost, the most confused, and the most vulnerable to losing my faith, that its in those moments that God is actually closer to me than I could ever imagine. And I take great solace in that, knowing that God is faithful and that God is with me.

And so maybe You’re in a moment like this right now where God is holding you, and I want you to know that it’s ok. It’s ok to be confused and questioning, but just know that God is holding on to you and that God is going to see you through. Just keep going, and everything is going to be ok.