L301: Lesson 6: Conflict and Confrontation

Conflict and Confrontation

Key Verse: “Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled.” Hebrews 12:14-15 (NKJV)

Purpose: The purpose of this lesson is to help the disciple/leader understand wise and biblical ways to handle conflict and confrontation.

One of the most important things leaders will ever realize is that because of sin the people they lead will never be PERFECT.

Good leaders will attract not only good people but also people who are in great NEED.

1 Samuel 22:1-2 David had people gather to him as a leader who were in DISTRESS, in DEBT, and DISCONTENTED.

Through David’s leadership he turned people with problems into a great army of mighty men.

Leaders by nature experience the greatest CONTROVERSY with people. There were three stages in Jesus’ ministry that every godly leader can expect to experience in time. These are:

“Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!”

“By what authority do you do these things?”

“Crucify him!”

MINISTRY leaders usually experience the negative effects of conflict more than others because:

Ministry leaders are normally evaluated by how well they can get people to WORK TOGETHER.

Ministry leaders tend to take conflict PERSONALLY.

Leaders must be prepared for potential CONFLICT and be willing to CONFRONT problems with people.

It is not a matter of “if” conflicts will occur, but “when” and “how” they will be handled.

People in the Bible were not exempt from experiencing conflict among one another.

Luke 22:24 STRIFE OVER POSITION

Acts 2:44-47 / Acts 6 MURMURING AND COMPLAINING

Acts 15:1-29 DOCTRINAL CONFLICT

Acts 15:36-41 DISAGREEMENT IN MINISTRY

People usually avoid conflict and confrontation because of the human tendency to avoid things that bring us DISCOMFORT and PAIN.

Remember: Problems almost never go away by simply ignoring them. They usually only get worse.

It easier to deal with an acorn than an oak tree.

Leaders must recognize that there is a difference between concerned DISAGREEMENT and conflict.

Conflict is disagreement that

Keeps DECISIONS from being made.

Keeps the group from MOVING FORWARD after the decision has been made.

Leaders must recognize that there is a difference between RESOLUTION and RECONCILIATION.

Resolution usually means finding the ANSWER.

Reconciliation means bringing those in conflict TOGETHER.

Some issues may never be resolved, but people can still be reconciled.

Reconciliation brings people to relational unity but not necessarily to agreement.

In bringing resolution to a conflict, leaders must recognize the difference between CONVICTIONS and PREFERENCES.

Convictions are belief systems for which a person will die to uphold if necessary. (Example: Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior)

Preferences are strong likes and opinions that are important but for which people are unwilling to die. (Example: Preferences in worship styles)

Leaders must realize that there is a difference between being a PEACEKEEPER and PEACEMAKER.

Peacekeepers will avoid conflict to give the appearance of peace. They refuse to get involved in anything CONTROVERSIAL.

Peacemakers are often in the middle of conflict seeking to reconcile people. They are often RISK TAKERS who are willing to sacrifice personal pride and security in favor of reconciliation.

Peacemakers are willing to confront the issues that keep people from living in harmony.

Leaders are called to be peacemakers not peacekeepers.

The NEGATIVE effects of conflict include:

Produces the wrong kind of ATMOSPHERE.

Magnifies FAULTS and WEAKNESSES.

Distracts us from our VISION.

Creates CONFUSION and DIVISION.

Shuts down PROGRESS and PRODUCTIVITY.

Opens the door for the DEVIL to create other problems.

The best approach in avoiding conflict is to take steps to keep PROBLEMS from developing. Potential conflict can usually be avoided by establishing:

Good COMMUNICATION

Job descriptions

Staff meetings

Workers meetings

Letters and memos

Good TEACHING

How to avoid strife and division

How to live a holy life

How to walk in love and forgiveness

Good ministry and workplace ATMOSPHERE

“Entertainers succeed in creating the kind of mood or atmosphere they want to prevail by sending out the kinds of signals they want mirrored or echoed . . . once you begin laughing it is easy to continue, for the action and the emotion mutually stimulate each other.” –Zig Ziglar

Create a good atmosphere in work and ministry through healthy WORDS, ACTIONS, and ATTITUDES.

Good EXAMPLE of a strong leader

INTEGRITY

DECISIVENESS

SECURE

POSITIVE

PEACEMAKER

Good DISCERNMENT

Recognize the source of conflicts (James 4:1; 1 John 2:16)

Lust of the flesh (“I need”)

Lust of the eyes (“I want”)

Pride of life (“I am” / “I know”)

Not all disagreements must become conflicts. There is such a thing as CONSTRUCTIVE disagreement.

People can DISAGREE without becoming disagreeable.

The object of constructive conflict is to allow for disagreement while discouraging HOSTILITY.

People must approach one another with RESPECT.

The three “P’s” of Conflict Management are:

PERMISSION: Disagreement is okay. Give people the permission to disagree and to come to you.

PRECISENESS: We must demonstrate respect by allowing each other to state their position with openness and clarity.

PROTECTION: NO ONE will be allowed to inflict needless hurt. Do not talk to a hostile person. They are unreasonably caught up in emotions.

The Ten Commandments of Conflict Management

Find COMMON GROUND.

Find things you both agree on.

“In talking to people don’t begin by discussing things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing and keep on emphasizing the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.” –Dale Carnegie

Love people more than OPINIONS.

There is a world of difference between a person who has a big problem and a person who creates a big problem.

“People who are not effective in relationships usually have a higher regard for their opinions than they do for people.” –John Maxwell

Give the other person the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.

We usually judge ourselves with our heart and others with our head.

When working with others use your heart, and when working with yourself use your head.

Learn to be FLEXIBLE.

Allow the other person to SAVE FACE.

Provide an “escape” for the other person.

“I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.” –Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Check your ATTITUDE.

Do not OVERREACT.

Do not use a bomb when a slingshot will do!

Do not become DEFENSIVE.

Do not take things personally. Keep your role as a leader and peacemaker in perspective.

Give up your right to be right and look objectively at the issues and concerns of the other person.

Do not ARGUE.

Never argue or shout at anyone. When you argue and shout you have already lost.

When you argue, you have lost control of

YOURSELF

PERSPECTIVE

GOAL

“There is only one way under heaven to get the best of an argument, avoid it.” --- Dale Carnegie

Remember: You never gain ground by throwing dirt!

Do not AVOID CONFLICT.

Do not run from your problems. They eventually catch up to you anyway.

Ask yourself these questions:

What is the worst thing that can happen if I confront? If I do not confront?

What is best for the church or for the people involved?

Choose to be a strong leader.

Guidelines for Confrontation (When confrontation is inevitable)

Confront people PRIVATELY.

Matthew 18:15

Avoid at all costs any public confrontation or disclosure in the initial stages.

Confront based only on the FACTS.

Proverbs 18:13 (NKJV) “What a shame, yes how stupid to decide before knowing all the facts.” (LB)

Never decide based on hearsay or on general impressions. Have your facts straight and clear.

Confront them AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

Be led by the Holy Spirit and not by fear.

Bring in the primary persons who are INVOLVED.

Get the other person’s SIDE OF THE STORY.

Maintain proper DOCUMENTATION.

Present criticisms as SUGGESTIONS or QUESTIONS if possible.

Avoid the words “ALWAYS” or “NEVER”.

Focus on the PROBLEM (don’t get distracted).

Control your EMOTIONS.

Control your TONGUE.

Always say less than what you think.

What you say MAY BE REPEATED. Therefore, do not say anything that you do not mind being repeated to others.

Do not be sarcastic (sarcasm is concealed hatred).

Do not laugh off another person’s feelings or convictions. This is very insensitive and can destroy any further progress.

Deal with issues the person can CHANGE.

Make PROMISES sparingly and keep them faithfully.

Do not apologize for the CONFRONTATION.

Do not forget POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT.

Maintain absolute CONFIDENTIALITY.

Do not harbor a GRUDGE.

Remember that the main objective in confrontation is ALWAYS RESTORATION.

Galatians 6:1 (NKJV) “Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted.”

“Our ultimate goal in dealing with problems should be to present truth in such a way as to build the relationship, not destroy it.” –John Maxwell

2 Timothy 2:23-26 (NKJV) “But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife. And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will.”

We want to see people make positive changes. Our goal is to help people become assets to the team, not liabilities.