Four Promises of Forgiveness

Introduction

Matthew 6:12 ESV

12 and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

1 Corinthians 13:5 ESV

5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;

Ephesians 4:32 ESV

32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

It is often difficult to forgive others genuinely and completely. We often find ourselves practicing a form of forgiveness that is neither biblical nor healing. As Christians, we cannot overlook the direct relationship between God’s forgiveness and our forgiveness: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

You Cannot Do It Alone

It is impossible to truly forgive in your own strength especially when they have hurt you deeply or betrayed your trust. There is only one way to overcome these barriers and that is to admit that you cannot forgive in your own strength and that you desperately need God to come in and change your heart.

Neither a Feeling, nor Forgetting, nor Excusing

Ø Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is an act of the will. Forgiveness involves a series of decisions, the first of which is to call on God to change our hearts.

Ø Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiving is an active process; it involves a conscious choice and a deliberate course of action. When we forgive, we must draw on God’s grace and consciously decide not to think or talk about what others have done to hurt us.

Ø Forgiveness is not excusing. The very fact that forgiveness is needed and granted indicates that what someone did was wrong and inexcusable.

Forgiveness Is a Decision

To forgive someone means to release him or her from liability to suffer punishment or penalty. Unfortunately, many people keep a record of the wrongs of others and bring them up again and again.

Through forgiveness God tears down the walls that our sins have built, and he opens the way for a renewed relationship with him. Forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises:

Ø “I will not dwell on this incident.”

Ø “I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.”

Ø “I will not talk to others about this incident.”

Ø “I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.”

When Should You Forgive?

Ideally, repentance should precede forgiveness. When an offense it too serious to overlook and the offender had not yet repented, you may need to approach forgiveness in a two-stage approach. First, it requires having an attitude of forgiveness and, second, granting forgiveness. During first stage, you pray for the other person and stand ready at any moment to pursue complete reconciliation as soon as he or she repents. Thus granting forgiveness is conditional on the repentance of the offender and takes place between you and that person. It is the commitment to make the other three promises of forgiveness to the offender.

Can You Ever Mention the Sin Again?

The four promises should not be used in a rigid and mechanical fashion. The commitment not to bring up the offense again and use it against the offender should not be used to prevent you from dealing honestly and realistically with a recurring pattern of sin. You are not breaking the second promise when you bring it up for his good, to use it for his benefit. However, when someone has confessed a wrong and you have forgiven him, you should not bring it up again unless there is a very compelling reason to do so.

What about the Consequences?

Forgiveness does not automatically release a wrongdoer from all the consequences of sin. When God does allow certain consequences to remain, it is always to teach us and others not to sin again. The important thing to remember is that once a person has expressed repentance, God calls you to truly forgive and to remove the penalty of personal separation.

Overcoming Unforgiveness

There are several steps you can take to overcome unforgiveness.

Confirm Repentance: It can be difficult to forgive a person who has failed to repent and confess clearly and specifically. In this situation, it may be wise to explain to the person who wronged you why you are having a difficult time forgiving.

Renounce Sinful Attitudes and Expectations: Forgiveness can also be hindered by sinful attitudes and unrealistic expectations. Many of us withhold forgiveness because we believe the offender must earn or deserve our forgiveness or because we want to punish others or make them suffer or we want a guarantee that such an offense will never occur again. These attitudes and expectations are utterly inconsistent with the command to forgive as God forgave us. Forgiveness is based on repentance, not on guarantees. Therefore, once someone has expressed repentance for an action, we have no right to let our fears of the future delay forgiveness today. Again, if someone has expressed repentance but continues to behave in a hurtful manner, it may be appropriate to talk with the offender about the present conduct.

Assess Your Contributions to the Problem: In some situations, your sins may have contributed to a conflict. Even if you did not start the dispute, your lack of understanding, careless words, impatience, or failure to respond in a loving manner may have aggravated the situation. When this has happened, it is easy to behave as though the other person’s sins more than cancel yours. This self-righteous attitude then can retard forgiveness.

Recognize That God Is Working for Good: We need to focus on how much God has forgiven us. We take God’s forgiveness for granted, while we stubbornly withhold our forgiveness from others. The more you understand and appreciate the wonders of God’s forgiveness, the more motivation you will have to forgive others.

Draw on God’s Strength: Above all else, remember that true forgiveness depends on God’s grace.

Reconciliation and the Replacement Principle

Ø Forgiveness is both an event and a process. Making the four promises of forgiveness is an event. Reconciliation is a process involving a change of attitude that leads to a change in the relationship. To be reconciled means to replace hostility and separation with peace and friendship.

Ø Being reconciled means that your relationship will be at least as good as it was before the offense occurred. In addition, you may uncover common interests and goals that will add a deeper and richer dimension to your friendship.

Ø Reconciliation requires that you give a repentant person an opportunity to demonstrate repentance and regain your trust and should continue until your relationship has been fully restored.

Ø In some instances, unless a deliberate effort is made to restore and strengthen a relationship, it will generally deteriorate. This can be significantly reduced if you pursue reconciliation at three different levels:

1) In Thought: We must replace negative thoughts and memories with positive ones. The replacement principle is especially helpful when trying to keep the first promise of forgiveness. Every time you begin to dwell on or brood over what someone has done, ask for God’s help and deliberately pray for that person or think of something about the offender that is “true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy.”

2) In Word: The replacement principle applies to your words as well as your thoughts. Praise, thank, or encourage! As you verbally reaffirm your friendship and sincerely build up the other person, both of you should experience improved attitudes and feelings.

3) In Deed: Apply the replacement principle to your actions as well. Loving actions can do much more than change your feelings; they can also communicate in unmistakable terms the reality of your forgiveness and your commitment to reconciliation.