The Spirit-Filled Family-Part II-The Husband is to Love His Wife

THE SPIRIT-FILLED FAMILY, PART II-THE HUSBAND IS TO LOVE HIS WIFE Spring Valley Mennonite; July 25, 2021; Ephesians 5:25-33 It is well recognized that the Biblical standard of marriage being exclusively between a man and woman is considered to be outdated and wrong in our secular culture. Sadly, many believers have bought into this unbiblical viewpoint. This Pastor will continue to hold to the Biblical standard that marriage is between one man and one woman. My remarks this morning assume this biblical pattern. We continue God's instructions on the Spirit-filled marriage from the fifth chapter of Ephesians. Last week we began at verse 21 which establishes a far-reaching principle giving us the key to all relationships within the family. God commands us to "submit to one another in the fear of Christ." There are two points in understanding this principle: first, we must acknowledge that Jesus Christ is the third party in every relationship, meaning that it never is a matter of what I want or what the other person wants, but what Jesus Christ wants. That alone, if followed, would resolve most of our relationship problems. But the second point in submitting to one another is that once we recognize Jesus Christ in the center of each relationship, we are to remember that Jesus taught that we get nothing by demanding our rights. In the application of the paradox of Christian living, it is only when we give that we receive. Applying these principles makes sense of the wife submitting to her husband, for only in granting to her husband the leadership in the family does she reap the benefit of honor and blessing. As the wife and the husband both submit to the Lordship of Christ, then the roles of submission and leadership become the godly pattern for the marriage. As the Lord Jesus submitted to the Father's will, and as a result was highly exalted, so will the wife who understands biblical submission be highly exalted and honored by her husband. By yielding we gain. But we must take these family principles in context. The wife is not singled out apart from the husband, for in the verses following the wife's role, the husband is commanded to love his wife as Christ loved the church. I imagine that women might think it is easier to love than it is to submit, saying. "You guys have the easier part!" That might be true except for the qualifier "as Christ loved the church." Following Christ is not easy. whatever our gender. One enlightened way of looking at this whole issue is this: the responsibility given to men to lead in the home is so difficult that they can only do it when their wives stand next to them helping them to do it. It is biblical that behind every godly husband stands a godly wife supporting him. A man cannot take his place as leader in the home unless his wife allows him to do so, for it does not work for a man to demand respect and authority. It must be granted by the voluntary support of the wife. And then everybody "wins" because this is God's will and plan for the family. I am speaking this morning about what it means for husbands to love their wives. Every one of we husbands can use a refresher course in how to fulfill this command. As I begin, I must admit that I personally have not mastered everything I will teach today. But my desire is to grow in this area. I hope each husband will listen carefully. And if you think you have no issues in this, I want to talk to your wife! And ladies, you can learn how to pray for your husbands, and how to encourage younger women in this crucial subject. Find our passage, Ephesians 5:25-33, and follow along as I read. I have four points to make about biblically loving our wives. The first is: I. WE LOVE OUR WIVES BY PUTTING THEIR INTERESTS BEFORE OUR OWN Where does that idea come from? It comes from the phrase "as Christ loved the Church." How does Christ love the church? Think about it this way: "How does Christ love me?" The simple answer is that Jesus loved me so much that He died for me. He paid the ultimate sacrifice. He gave His life for me. A good summary word to describe Jesus' love for us is the word "giving." Verse 25: "He gave Himself for it" (the church). In marriage, the husband is to be a giver, not a taker. That is the application of "Agape love." And to love in such a manner is impossible without God's enablement. Both the husband's command to love and wife's command to submit are impossible without being filled with the Holy Spirit. If we desire our marriages to reach the heights of joy and fulfillment, both husbands and wives must first settle the personal question of Lordship. Who is Lord of your life? Jesus, or yourself? Marriage is designed to be satisfying and fulfilling, and our greatest earthly source of joy. It begins with giving Christ first place in the marriage. Remember that Christ is the third party in every Christian marriage, and a three-fold cord is not easily broken. What does it take for a husband to be a "giver" to his wife? It means approaching marriage, not for what you get out of it but with the attitude of giving. It means meeting the needs of my wife, as Christ meets all our needs. And to meet her needs means that I must try and understand the differences between men and women. I am amazed the number of men who seem to assume that women are just like men, except for the physical differences. Our modern culture tries to teach us that boys and girls are just alike, and that we condition them to outdated roles by the environment we create in the home. But the reality is that we are different in the very core of our being and the smart husband seeks to understand these differences. For example, women approach situations "heart first" where men go "head first." Men look at achieving goals; women are much more concerned about the relationships which will be affected. God has made men and women so that we need each other to give us a balanced picture of reality. Men, our wives truly do "complete" us. When God put Adam to sleep and took a rib from his side to create Eve, He left us incomplete, lacking something. Marriage is about interdependence-two parts making up the whole. And the wife is incomplete without her husband. Now, let me take a moment to assure single people that I am not saying that you are second-class in God's eyes because you are not married. I speak today of the majority of people who are or will be married, not those for whom God has special plans, those "many exceptions" within God's plans. But when God calls a couple to join in holy matrimony-notice we use the term "join" to signify the two becoming one entity-He takes two independent people and makes them an interdependent unit. God creates men and women with special innate abilities lacking in the other partner. The husband is created as the initiator and the woman as responded. God even creates our bodies to reflect this inner reality. We love as Christ loved the church; Christ is the initiator, who, while we were yet sinners died for us. We as the bride of Christ are the responder, responding to His love by accepting Him into our hearts, accepting His forgiveness for our sins. The husband lovingly leads, the wife in response submits to his loving leadership. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless." The second way we husbands are to love our wives is... II. WE ARE TO DEVOTE OURSELVES TO OUR WIVES' PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT Christ set the example of loving the church by "sanctifying" it. To sanctify something is to set it apart for a special purpose. The special purpose Christ has for the church is to present it holy and blameless. God is working in each of our lives to make us like Christ. He has a personal development program for each of us, which involves our relationships, our family, the circumstances He allows to occur, our church, or jobs and everything else. His sanctifying work is a function of His love for us, for the more we become like Him, the happier and more fulfilled we will be. Christ's love is a purifying love. Men, if we truly love our wives, we will devote ourselves to her personal growth and development as a person and as a believer, as Christ does for us. I want to speak primarily of spiritual leadership in the home, of assisting our wife to grow and develop as a believer. I can hear you saying, "Isn't spiritual growth each persons' responsibility; isn't each person, including my wife, personally responsible for their relationship with the Lord?" This is partially true. Let me give you an example for our role from the natural world. If I plant a tomato seedling in the ground, do I make it grow? Not really, for the capacity to grow is in the plant, and God makes it grow. But I can water it, and pull the weeds, and fertilize it-I can create an environment in which the plant can thrive and flourish. The same is true in a marriage: I can create an environment in which my wife can flourish and grow as a believer. This is the area of spiritual leadership in the home, probably the most important aspect of headship. How do we take the spiritual leadership in the home? Men, listen up! I don't know any area in which we drop the ball more than this one. This involves both the wife and the children. Here are some ideas and suggestions regarding spiritual leadership in the home: We are to: * Guide each member to commitments, to Christ as Savior first, then to life commitment to God's work in the world. * Be a model of spiritual growth before your family. Would your wife say you are a growing Christian? Are you living a godly life in the home? For example, does your family see you reading your Bible? Are you leading your wife and family in prayer? Do you ever speak of spiritual topics? * Set the proper priorities in the family schedule. For example, Church attendance and involvement should be given the highest priority. The church exists to assist, not replace, the parents in spiritual development of children. * We husbands should know our wife's areas of giftedness-what she enjoys doing, and what she is good at, and to encourage her to use those gifts. Is she gifted at teaching? Hospitality? Counseling? Serving others? It may mean giving her the resources and the time to have a ministry. It may mean staying home with the kids instead of doing what you want to do. Remember, Christ loved us by GIVING. This list is obviously not exhaustive, and I give it as a beginning point. A third way we are to love our wives is seen in verses 28-30: "So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. III. WE ARE TO LOVE OUR WIVES THROUGH CARING, NOURISHING AND CHERISHING The clear teaching is that husbands are to express real love by caring for and cherishing their wives. 1 Peter 3:7 gives us an idea what this means: "You husbands, likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." Allow me to share the best illustration I have ever heard of what Peter is saying: I have two containers with me which are used to drink coffee or tea. Here is a common, heavy mug. And here is a delicate, beautiful bone-china teacup. Both are equal in their ability to hold liquid, but they are different. You treat these cups differently, as the teacup is more delicate. It is not inferior in any way, but it is to be cherished and treated with care. It is a weaker vessel. To be able to care and cherish our wives means we follow Peter's advice here to live with them in an "understanding way." This means discovering and adjusting how we relate to our wives, recognizing the unique differences between men and women. There is a comparison here between caring for and cherishing our wives and how we do the same thing for ourselves. Ask yourself, "How do I care for my own body and what does that teach me about caring for my wife? I make sure my body is fed. I rest it when it is tired. I also think of is how I protect myself. When it is cold, I put on a coat. When it is hot, I stay in the shade, or limit my time in the sun, or try and stay in the air conditioning. I protect my body from danger; I take it to the doctor when it is sick. I take my medicine. I am aware of the needs of my body. How much time do you spend each day meeting the needs of your body? God says we are to care for and nourish our wives just as we do for our own body. This means it will take time. Isn't that the point Paul makes in 1 Corinthians 7:33: "But one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife..." This is another way we provide security. Men, loving our wives means we are aware of her needs. Do you know what the greatest need of your wife? Dr. James Dobson, Founder of Focus on the Family and presently President of Family Talk did a valued service to us when he surveyed thousands of women, discovering that their number one need is this: wives need to feel of value and of importance. Negatively stated, the number one problem of married women is low self-esteem. Our wives need our constant assurance that they are the most important person in our life-and if you are married, THEY ARE! If you can't quite agree with that statement, then take it by faith. Your wife is the only person in the world that God has selected to complete you. She needs to hear you say that. The subject of hearing brings up another way we care for and cherish our wives: it has to do with that all important area of communication. One of the greatest needs your wife has is to talk with you. This means actively listening to what she says. Love means taking the time and energy to really talk to our wives. And love is expressed by listening-truly listening and thoughtfully responding. Other needs of our wives are obvious: protection is one of them. In verse 23, Jesus is said to be the "Savior of the body." In our rural/small town Kansas culture, our wives are not usually in any physical danger, but protection is broader than simply physical protection. It may be taking care of things which cause her to worry. For example, one thing women worry about is what would happen if their husband should die. Men, have you provided for that possibility? That is one aspect of protection. You see, protection is not only physical in nature, but also emotional and psychological. We must ask God to give us wisdom in meeting the emotional needs of our wives, because many of us are without a clue in such areas! And there is a wonderful benefit for we men as we live in an understanding way with our wives: God has placed in the female heart a responsive capacity for love, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and consideration. They will respond with those things men desperately seek: honor, respect, and love. "He who loves his wife loves himself." Once again, we see the principle that it is in giving that we receive. We sacrifice ourselves and in turn, gain what we give up. There is one last way love is prescribed, seen in verses 31-33: "For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great, but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respects her husband. IV. WE EXPRESS LOVE BY PUTTING OUR WIFE AHEAD OF ALL OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS IN AN EXCLUSIVE, UNBREAKABLE BOND What a tragedy it is and what damage is made to a marriage when the husband fails to cut the apron strings with his parents (or the wife to her parents). A successful marriage depends upon leaving the parents and concentrating our attention fully upon our wives and husbands. The married relationship must take first place, above the parents or even our children. We leave our folks and form a one-flesh bond with our wives. Parents: allow your sons and daughters to do this. Your grown child's spouse has taken their God-ordained place of prominence in their lives. I don't agree with all the decisions my grown children and their spouses make, but I must allow them the freedom to learn and grow-even through their mistakes. Parents of married children change from a position of authority to a position of advisor. It takes godly wisdom in how to be available to our grown children, yet allowing them to live their own lives. Husbands, how are you doing in loving your wives as Christ loved the church? We all have a long way to go but understand that as we truly and thoughtfully love our wives, they will respond with honor and respect of our God-given role in leadership and headship. Only through the fullness of the Holy Spirit are we able to truly love our wives. There is one more profound benefit when our marriage reflects God's blessings. In a world where sin and confusion reign, a godly marriage will be like a lighthouse in a turbulent culture and will be a shining example of God's love and grace. 2