Is Porn Really That Bad?

July 21, 2021

OPEN “Hook”

I FELL TO TEMPTATION. If there were 4 words that summed up my life during high school, college, and even after college, it would be “I fell to temptation.” What started out just a preview ultimately became a perversion but that didn’t happen overnight.

As a teenager and young adult, I was constantly bombarded with pictures and flyers promoting parties, women, and activities that were simply not of God. These things came from my friends, fraternity brothers, flyers placed on my car in parking lots, radio commercials, I mean you name, it was all around me. The temptation and “fear of missing out” was just too strong. This led me down a path towards premarital sex and also not treating any woman with the respect and love she deserved as the sole person I should be pursuing.

You see, the previews I started witnessing in high school led to permissions of sexual immorality that carried all throughout college. Those permissions then led to provisions and by that I mean I was doing everything possible to make a way for sex to be a part of my life. This carried on up to and in my engagement to my now wife. I’d been with more than one woman up until that point and was still making provisions for that to not change. My indiscretion led to my then fiancee leaving me one day while I was still at work only to come home to her engagement ring sitting on the kitchen counter. At this point I realized that those previews which led to permissions which led to provisions resulted in the perversion of a relationship that I hoped to be a part of for the rest of my life.

I know this is my testimony and some of you may not share in the same story but some of you or people you know may be struggling with something that’s just as perverse, and in some cases worse, that is not only hindering your relationship with your spouse or significant other but also your relationship with God.

PRAYER

TRANSITION

Today we are continuing our FAQ series and today’s question is actually a pretty commonly asked question - Is porn really that bad? [TITLE SLIDE]

Hopefully, you knew this topic was coming, but if you didn’t, for our parents here today, as you consider the appropriateness of today’s topic for yourself let’s not forget about your adult children and even grandchildren as some research has reported that the average age of first exposure to porn is age 11 (and new research is pointing toward that age being even lower). And as you think about the technology that your kids and your kids’ kids have access to along with their friends, then it’s not a question of if they will be exposed, but when.

In the Christian culture, sex is a pretty taboo topic. It’s either seen as an idol due to defilement or made bad altogether. But let’s not forget that God made it for good. If we look at it like a mountain top experience of sacred sexuality to bring each of us with our spouses closer to God, we realize that there are also slippery slopes that we can easily fall down. On one side the mountain, sex is defiled or made out to be something that it originally wasn’t intended, an idol or a good thing out of order as I heard Pastor Destin once say. On the other side of the mountain, sex is demonized, terrible, and bad and “don’t you dare talk about it until your married.” This is particularly difficult for young women who have been drilled with the “sex is bad” concept all of their lives then are expected to flip a switch and “perform” if you will right out the gate on their wedding night.

[Hebrews Scripture]

Hebrews 13:4 says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. This word “undefiled” or “amiantos” (AM-EE’-AN-TOS) in Greek simply means pure and free from adultery but to elaborate further, it means free from that by which the nature of a thing is deformed and debased, or its force and vigour imparied. God never said sex is taboo. In fact, he wants husbands and wives to be free to express themselves naturally with vigor in sexual union. It becomes taboo when we start to deform and impair it with sin and a big contributor to that is pornography.

Here are a some things you’ll hear people say out in the world with respect to sex and porn:

Every normal dating relationship includes sex and in fact, often sex is the first determiner of whether to have a relationship

You don’t even have to be in a relationship with another person to have sex

There’s a masterclass teacher that is described as an expert on sex, she has a doctorate in human sexuality, and she said her personal mission is to liberate the conversation around sex and that her hope for her students is for them to take the next step towards their own pleasure and deciding what sex and sexuality means to you and to know that pleasure is your birthright and she has no problem using porn if it helps you obtain pleasure

Porn is okay if you and your partner mutually agree to spice up your sex life

Conversations at the junior high and high school level are saying that viewing and acting on porn isn’t really having sex because there isn’t a real person involved and if it is sex, then at least you are practicing safe sex

One young woman was asked why she was texting nude pictures of herself to her boyfriend, and she said, “Well, he will either be looking at porn or at me”

[SLIDE - reveal 1-by-1] In short, there are essentially 4 categories that people will respond with in regards to sex and porn that simply aren’t true:

Denial - It’s not a problem

Minimize - It’s not a big deal

Rationalize - I’m not hurting anyone

Normalize - Everybody’s doing it / looking at it

IF WE LOOK AT THE STATISTICS OF PORN

Porn sites receive more traffic than Netflix, Amazon, & Twitter…combined

30% of all data transferred across the internet is porn related

20% of mobile searches are for porn

60% of students said they watched porn to learn more about sex and to fill in gaps in their sexual education, that’s 3 out of every 5!

As stated earlier, some studies show that the first exposure to porn occurs at the average age of 11 (new research indicates that average is trending downward)

Porn has become a massive problem for men, BUT today, the fastest growing demographic is actually women

At RockPointe, we do a significant amount of premarital counseling which gives us a real time window into the lives of our young men and women. Our marriage pastor, Brian Sanders, told me that he went back and looked at the last 4 years, and 51% of young men and 34% of young women that went through our premarital program reported using porn. That correlates to 3 men and 2 women out of every 6 six couples. Brian also says that he knows for a fact that those percentages are low based on his interaction with the couples after they got married.

TENSION

By now you’re probably thinking, “So what?! Who cares about a little porn?” Well, God does and so should you. God wants us to relate to Him and each other as a whole person. He made us as 3Dimensional beings so yes, there’s a physical aspect to sex and relationships but He also made us pyschological (our minds and emotions) and spiritual beings. Pornograhy is viewed as not being with another real person and as a result often gets dismissed as not hurting anyone since there’s no physical act. But it’s just as much a mental, emotional, and spiritual experience if not more which can even affect physical performance and expectations. For the sake of time, I can’t go further into the aforementioned and how they are incorporated in the concept of sacred sexuality, but RockPointe’s Marriage Ministry has created a great resource page at rpc.fm/biblicalsexuality. [resource link]

Here’s how porn impacts you or those you love personally: [SLIDE - show all at once]

The science is clear, porn IS addictive

It can rewire your brain

And it can alter your judgment

Quietly read to yourself these headlines from scientific and medical studies as you think about 3 impacts of porn: [SLIDE - show all at once]

Researchers believe that pornography’s intense stimulation of the brain brings about significant changes to the brain similar to drug addiction. JAMA Psychiatry 2014

Those with compulsive sexual behavior have brain activity that mirrors those of drug addicts. Cambridge University. (2014)

As hours of reported pornography use increases, the amount of grey matter in the brain decreases (processes info in brain). The Brain on Porn.” JAMA Psychiatry 2014

Porn Use Linked To Significant Increase In Erectile Dysfunction Among Young Men In Early 20’s Journal of Sexual Medicine

I’m worried...about the impact of porn on men and on women. I see young men coming in who are really confused about what normal is because all they know about sex is what they’ve seen on porn. Dr. Abraham Morgentaler, Associate Clinical Professor of Urology at Harvard Medical School

All of these headlines point to a rewiring of the brain, much like what happens to a drug addict. Testimonies from those engaged in substance abuse from heroin and cocaine to alcohol and opioids can be gut-wrenching at times but those struggling with pornography will often say how nothing has gripped their heart more than porn. This is because neurochemicals like dopamine in your brain make it feel like fireworks on the 4th of July are going off throughout your body when you watch it and act on it. That leads to repetition which causes your brain to build a trail between the trigger and the chemical release allowing the brain to remember the connection and ultimately developing cravings for more.

When you have sex, neurochemicals like oxytocin are released and it causes you to bond with the other person. A mother gets oxytocin released in her brain when her baby is touching her and it causes her to bond with her baby, which is a good thing. The same thing happens when you are involved in porn except it isn’t your spouse that the release of oxytocin is causing you to bond with. And over time, pornography will cause a shift in your focus from the relationship that produces the pleasure (as God intended) to pleasure without the relationship. Sound familiar?

Simply put, pornograhy can become a drug addicton – and the drugs are the God designed naturally produced chemicals in your brain impacting you in ways that God didn’t intend.

[SLIDE - reveal 1-by-1] Now, a lot of what I just said was about how porn impacts you personally but what about relationally?

In one study, porn use was correlated to a 318% increase in infidelity. Porn often becomes a gateway to more degrading porn and even sex outside of marriage with a real person. One counselor that Pastor Brian has interviewed previously said, “Often the story I hear from my clients is it started with porn, then progressed to things like webcams, chat rooms, and then a meet up with a real person.”

It encourages selfishness without consequences. Porn is training you to see the other person as an object for personal gratification and to avoid putting in the effort of time and energy to develop real intimacy. Porn mimics connection without relationship because you still get a physical high out of it and unlike real relationships, you won’t run the risk of rejection.

If you are single, for men and women, what this means is porn is killing your marriage even before you marry. Another Marriage Pastor said, “Porn nearly destroyed my view of women, marriage, and relationships.” So if you are not married, our strong counsel for both men and women is, if the young man or young woman you are thinking of marrying is using porn, do not marry them until they have been clean for an extended period of time. I promise you, that their porn use will become a problem for your marriage so address it now before you marry.

Porn reinforces a habit of having a variety of sexual partners – which doesn’t work out very well in marriage. Whether it is catching your spouse with a prostitute, someone else in bed, or with pornography, they all will be seen and felt by the other spouse as sexual betrayal. And one of the foundational pillars that supports a marriage is a pillar called trust. Previously, a young man reached out for help after he got married because his porn use had become a problem in his marriage. He said, “I lied about my porn use when we did premarital counseling. But my wife caught me, and now in addition to a porn habit that I can’t kick, I now have a trust problem in my marriage. She doesn’t trust me.”

But what about mutual consent? Sometimes a married couple will ask – if we both are okay with using porn to spice up our sex life, is that okay? A counselor who is a trained sex therapist, especially with respect to sex addiction, strongly advises against it. We could easily start quoting Scripture to validate this but what about those that don’t care what God has to say? Even for them there are a variety of reasons that mutually agreed upon porn use is still a bad idea. First, some couples also use hardcore drugs to enhance their sex life, but the problem is that the substance itself is highly addictive, and so is porn. That’s a double whammy! Second, it sets up unrealistic expectations. Your spouse is not able to look like the actors you are watching, and the human body is not made to perform like what you are seeing in porn. Lastly, what starts out as mutual consent and use often leads to individual use because intimacy requires time and energy, and porn is easier. A problem occurs because it often forms secretive patterns and when the other spouse finds out that you are “having sex” without them, we are now back to having a marriage problem called trust as I noted in the prior point.

Now, I know I’ve given you a lot of science and medical research because the Bible is not an encyclopedia that exhaustively covers every topic in the world. There’s no one particular verse, passage, or book in the Bible that directly addresses pornography but there are several that take on sexual immorality, temptation, and things of the heart. We do have biblical principles that are applicable to all of us. In the NT, the term “sexual immorality” is used often and in fact, the Greek word being used for sexual immorality is “porneia” (POR-NI’-AH), which is where we actually get the word pornography from. Today, we’re going to look at a few as we address 3 main questions:

Why do people watch porn?

Why should people not watch porn?

How can people overcome watching porn?

SCRIPTURE READING “Book” / “Look” - [Various Scriptures]

WHY DO PEOPLE WATCH PORN? [SLIDE - show all points at once on single slide]

Read Matthew 5:27-28 [SLIDE]

27 You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

INTENT. The key word here is intent. Sin begins (and often ends) in the mind. Before we act towards something our mind has already been processing what to do next. It’s not just our physical behavior but our minds and hearts that cause us to sin and that can only be redeemed and transformed through God’s power.

James 1:13-15 [SLIDE]

13 Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. 14 But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. 15 Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.

DESIRE. Our intentions that are not of God ultimately lead us into temptation by way of desire. Sin is progressive, first you think it then you want it ultimately causing you to cross the line away from God.

Genesis 3:6 [SLIDE]

6 So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate.

ACTION. Once your intentions have led to desire, your desire results in action. This is when the line has officially been drawn in the sand in a public way (best believe someone can see your search history) and the enemy has pulled you closer to his team since all he wants to do is steal, kill, and destroy. It’s as if you just can’t help yourself.

WHY SHOULD PEOPLE NOT WATCH PORN? [SLIDE - show all at once]

1 Corinthians 6:18-20 [SLIDE]

18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 19 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, 20 for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

1. HELPS YOU KILL YOU. Sexual immorality, including porn, is the only sin according to the Apostle Paul that a person commits against his or her own body. Everything else is outward facing. This means that porn gradually helps you kill you. Jesus died but he didn’t kill himself. He died so we wouldn’t have to kill ourselves through sin such as pornography.

Romans 13:13 [SLIDE]

13 Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy.

2. INTEGRITY. Paul throws in the preposition “as” saying we are to be pure and holy at night just as we are during the day because we are to have integrity. The daytime historically has been regarded as the time for abstaining from indulgences, vices, and crimes because those activities are usually carried out at night and in darkness. But even Jesus knows that what happens in the dark will come to the light currently and eternally.

Revelation 2:23 [SLIDE]

23 and I will strike her children dead. And all the churches will know that I am He who searches mind and heart, and I will give to each of you according to your works.

3. CONSEQUENCES. This one is a bit heavy because it’s talking about God’s judgment that will come to all of us. Everything we do on earth has a just consequence in Heaven but that doesn’t mean we won’t have consequences here on earth either, especially if you’re married or seeking marriage. I personally had sex before marriage and not if but when my kids ask me if I did, I’m going to tell them the truth. I’m also going to tell them how I have to live with that guilt everyday knowing that a picture or a flashback could pop up in my head at any moment forcing me to wonder how that affects my relationship with my wife. Watching pornography is no different.

HOW CAN PEOPLE OVERCOME WATCHING PORN? [SLIDE - show all at once]

To overcome porn, the first step is confession which can be broken up into 3 parts:

Genesis 3:7 [SLIDE]

7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.

1A. CONFESS TO YOURSELF. The first part is confession to yourself. Admit it's a problem (don’t deny, minimize, rationalize or normalize). Pornography use is usually a symptom of a deeper issue (e.g. low self-esteem, loneliness, past sexual abuse) and admitting to yourself will help you get to the root of the issue. Don’t miss that, there’s always a root.

Genesis 3:10 [SLIDE]

10 And he said, “I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.”

1 John 1:9 [SLIDE]

9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

1B. CONFESS TO GOD. The second part is confession to God. Too many times we don’t want to take our mess no matter what or how bad it is to God because we think he’ll be ashamed of us. News flash, HE ALREADY KNOWS! He is omniscient and omnipresent meaning that he knows all and sees all. He’s just waiting on us to be honest with Him and have humility.

Proverbs 28:13 [SLIDE]

13 Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.

James 5:16 [SLIDE]

16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

1C. CONFESS TO OTHERS. The third and last part of confession may not always be applicable but it’s to others. Confess to your spouse or the person you’re seriously dating and are considering marrying. Allow yourself to be vulnerable so they can see how much you really do care about them and want to change for good to glorify God in your relationship.

1 Corinthians 10:13 [SLIDE]

13 No temptation (not even the temptation to look at porn) has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

2. YOU’RE NOT ALONE. You want to know some good news (well, outside of Jesus death, burial, and resurrection that is)? If you or someone you know is struggling with porn, you’re not the first person to go through it. Look at Samson. Look at David. Look at Solomon. The wisest man in all the world! But God… IS faithful and won’t tempt you beyond what you can handle so He’ll give you an escape route. You can find it by recognizing your stumbling blocks and emotional triggers. Before I got married, I realized a stumbling block of mine was hanging out with a lot of single guys at local clubs that were running rampant with alcohol and women. I had to remove myself from those situations and circles because I intentionally wanted to honor God and my soon-to-be wife; I had a desire to honor God and my soon-to-be wife; and I wanted to show through my actions that I could honor God and my soon-to-be wife. I must say that it worked y’all because she’s still here with me to this day.

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 [SLIDE]

3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; 4 that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, 5 not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God;

3. SELF-CONTROL. When I read verse 4 immediately what comes to mind is that last fruit of the Spirit… self-control. God created sex to be good but Satan distorted it to make it look bad. When it comes to sexual intimacy with your spouse consider 3 things:

What does the Bible say?

Will anyone get hurt (physically)?

Will this hurt my marriage?

If you can answer those 3 questions confidently then have fun!

Proverbs 27:17 [SLIDE]

17 Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 [SLIDE]

9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!

Galatians 6:1-2 [SLIDE]

1 Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. 2 Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

4. ACCOUNTABILITY. The last thing you or someone struggling with porn is accountability. When you operate in a silo, especially in difficult situations, you have blinders on with a subjective point of view. Surround yourself with other believers who will not only build you up but also lift you up when you fall because you will fall. It’s just our nature.

TAKEAWAYS “Took”

Earlier I shared my story about how a form of sexual immorality brought a relationship I was in to the ground. Overtime, there were previews of sinful things that led to me giving permission for them to be a part of my life. Those permissions led to provisions where I was doing everything possible to make it an idol which led to the perversion in my relationship and it’s potential demise. BUT GOD! While my then fiancee was out of my life, I was truly introduced to God’s grace through someone who held me accountable. My mind and heart were transformed which ended up changing my intentions, desires, and actions. I saw previews of Jesus atoning work and gave Him permission to come into my life. I made provisions for Him and centered my life around Him instead of other people, including the woman that had just left her ring on the kitchen counter. Through those provisions, I was able to rid my life of perversion and accept God’s promise on my life.

You see, when sexually immoral things such as pornogrpahy come into our lives, we lose site of God’s promise and become compromised. Think of this word compromise as comp + promise. When something is comped, it’s free, that’s how we get the word complimentary. A promise is a declaration or assurance of something to come in the future. God compromised by sending His Son Jesus to live among us and die on the cross bearing our sins only to defeat death 3 days later so that we can live with Him eternally. Porn is also a compromise. There’s so much out there at our disposal that’s absolutely free but by engaging in it we give up the free promise that God has for us.

[SLIDE - resource link, keep on screen until I close in prayer]

So if you are using porn, but don’t think porn is a problem for you personally or for your relationships, let me encourage you to educate yourself. Spend some time reading and thinking about what Jesus said about lust in Matthew 5:27-28. And go to rpc.fm/biblicalsexuality and start reading.

Second, if you have been using porn, whether you’re male or female, you may not think you have a problem, but I can assure you that it is impacting your relationship with God, and if it hasn’t already, it’s just a matter of time before it will negatively impact your relationship with your spouse or future spouse.

So let me challenge you to try stopping for 90 days and see what happens. For some of you, you can stop on your own, but for some, this sin has become your master and porn owns you. Don’t let shame or hopelessness stop you from becoming the man or woman God wants you to be.

Whether it’s for you personally, you’ve been negatively impacted by your spouse’s porn use, or if you know someone that’s not your spouse and are in need of help, we have resources and the steps you need to take at rpc.fm/biblicalsexuality to help you.

God created sex for your good, for our pleasure, to reflect his image and he wants us to elevate sex to a position of sacred sexuality. In the end, it's up to each one of us whose voice we listen to – a God that loves you and designed a sacred sexuality or to an enemy who opposes God’s purpose, plan, and design for sex and intends to use it to steal, kill, and destroy.

CLOSING PRAYER