Love, Lying and Your Truth

Today we continue our series called “All About Love” based on the book by the same name by bell hooks. A couple of weeks ago we looked at how we needed clarity on the definition of love. Love can’t include abuse or neglect, otherwise its not love; its dysfunction. We’ve got to be about nurture and care and support 100% of the time. Then last week we saw how love works for justice. We looked at how children can be treated in violent ways, but again that’s not love, and the Bible doesn’t support violence against children either. We care for children the way a shepherd cares for sheep, searching for them, protecting them and rescuing them. That, my friends, is love.

Now we turn our focus to honesty; how truth and lies can dramatically impact how we love one another. We are going to hear our scripture for today from Karen. She is going to share with us from Genesis chapter 3, a story that is familiar to many, the story of some lies told in the Garden of Eden. This was first written as a story told about the ancient past that would help us better understand the world around us. We call this sacred history, and the point is not if its true or not true. For instance, in this story a snake is going to be talking. Can snakes really talk? No, of course not, but that’s not the point. The point is that this story tells us something that really is true about ourselves. So suspend your disbelief for a moment, so you can hear a deeper, more fundamental truth about all of us as humans. This is the story of the First Sin and Its Punishment, from Genesis 3:1-19. Hear now the word of the Lord.

Genesis 3:1–19 (NRSV)

Now the serpent was more crafty than any other wild animal that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God say, ‘You shall not eat from any tree in the garden’?” The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden; but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the middle of the garden, nor shall you touch it, or you shall die.’ ” But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not die; for God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate; and she also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made loincloths for themselves.

They heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden at the time of the evening breeze, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, and said to him, “Where are you?” He said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.” He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” The man said, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit from the tree, and I ate.” Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this that you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent tricked me, and I ate.” The Lord God said to the serpent,

“Because you have done this, cursed are you among all animals and among all wild creatures; upon your belly you shall go, and dust you shall eat all the days of your life. I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will strike your head, and you will strike his heel.” To the woman he said, “I will greatly increase your pangs in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children, yet your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” And to the man he said, “Because you have listened to the voice of your wife, and have eaten of the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You shall not eat of it,’ cursed is the ground because of you; in toil you shall eat of it all the days of your life; thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you; and you shall eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread until you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”

and from

Proverbs 10:18 (NRSV)

Lying lips conceal hatred, and whoever utters slander is a fool.

The word of the Lord for the people of God. Thanks be to God. Let’s prayer together: God, may we be an inclusive community passionately following Jesus Christ. Move us to love well as we seek to be honest in all our interactions with others. Bless us with truth and hope and love today. Amen.

Whenever I think about honesty and telling the truth, my mind always goes back to a moment where I was not so honest. This is something I have never confessed publicly before. I was a teenager, maybe 18 at the time, and I was with a good friend of mine. We were going to go out somewhere, but first Ariel had to the dishes. Parents orders; so I happily volunteered to help her out, that way we could finish faster and be on our way. Now, you need to know something about me for this story to make sense. I am always amazed and intrigued by science. Whenever I learn something new I’m always excited and want to share it with other people. I’m also a person of strong convictions. If I believe something is true, I’m not just going to think about how its a good idea; I’m going to put it into practice right away. So as Ariel led me over to the kitchen, I told her about a radio program I had just heard on my way over. In it they were talking about cleaning dishes. So as I washed the dishes and she dried them, I explained how in the program they shared how dishes actually get clean, and it has nothing to do with dish soap. The program said dishes are only clean and sterilized because of the hot water. The dish soap can help remove grease and residue, but if nothing’s stuck, hot water is doing all the real work. Dish soap just makes bubbles so we feel better about the job we do.

And Ariel, she’s smart. She hears me tell this new science fact and she says, “You did use dish soap on the dishes you cleaned, right?” And I felt so caught in that moment. I hadn’t used any because I just learned it was useless! I’m a man of conviction! Why would I waste your dish soap when it doesn’t do anything! But I also knew she would be upset if I told her I hadn’t used it. Not doing that was culturally inappropriate, even if it was based on bad science. So what did I do? I told her, “yeah, of course I used the dish soap,” then I picked up the bottle and squirted some onto the dish rag to finish the job. I straight up lied. I didn’t want her to get upset. I didn’t want to have to go back and do all the dishes again, so I lied. And strangely, twenty some years later I’m still thinking about that moment, when I was dishonest to avoid feeling awkward with a good friend.

Now compare that to a question my wife, Emily, asked a while ago. We were going out for a night of dinner and drinks at an upscale banquet hall. I had a small role as the pastor of the church, but mostly it was a chance for us to leave the kids with a babysitter and talk with other adults. We were in our bedroom where she is wearing a brand new outfit that stretches a genre maybe a little too far and she asks the dreaded question: “how do I look?” And I think she looks ridiculous.

Now, I know the right answer. I know every cultured human on the planet is shouting out “Just tell her she’s beautiful, Brian.” But I’m a man of conviction. If you ask me a question I should tell you what I think. And that’s why at the banquet I was alone while she danced with some people she had just met.

Emily and I have gone through this routine a few times in our marriage, and it took me a while to get it right. Emily had to tell me point blank, “If I ask you how I look, please always tell me I look good.” Emily isn’t looking for my opinion about her; she’s looking for encouragement and a confidence boost. That’s the tricky thing about the truth. We may want it to be simple and straight-forward, but often the truth is about perspective. It’s about what we are trying to accomplish with the words we speak and the actions we take.

Now, we could get into lots of complicated ideas about what truth is, about objective and subjective reality. I even came across a new term for me this week called “the correspondence theory of truth” that wrestles with metaphysics and the words we speak compared to the reality of the world around us. But I’m not convinced any of that is terribly helpful in our day-to-day lives. Instead, I’d like to just look at one simple phrase that I think is behind a lot of our thoughts and actions, and that is, “the ends justify the means.” That’s a quote from Machiavelli, and, depending on who you ask, he’s either a good guy or one the most ruthless bad guys of all time.

When we say “the ends justify the means” we are saying that its okay to do bad things if the final result is good. So, I can save face with Ariel or lie to Emily about how she looks because the final result is good. All’s well that ends well, right! But this seems like a slippery slope, doesn’t it. If I can lie to my friends, or lie to make my spouse feel good, why can’t I lie about other things? Why tell the truth at all? I could justify keeping people in the dark about all sorts of things all in the name of “keeping them happy.” So we ask with this series ‘what does love really mean?’ Is it lying to keep people happy or is it “the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?”

Let’s look at a few scriptures and see if we can make sense of what God really wants from us. We start with our passage from Genesis, where the snake has seemingly lied to Eve. When the snake asked, “Did God say don’t eat fruit from the trees in the garden” Eve responds, “we can’t touch or eat the fruit from the tree in the middle.” The snake uses deceit and trickery and from there both the man and the woman do what God told them not to do. You might be familiar with the part about “God walking in the garden in the cool of the day” or in other versions, ‘the evening breeze’ and it seems like this tranquil situation even in the midst of their sin, but that’s probably a pretty poor translation of what’s happening. You have to remember this was written thousands of years ago in a language with no vowels. Its really hard to get it right, but scholars now think the cool of the day would be better translated “storm” and that the sound they hear is thunder. Its almost as if they bite into this fruit and immediately paradise is broken. The wind picks up and they run to take shelter. They are hiding themselves, scared of what will happen and God says, “where are you?” and they say they heard the thunder, were afraid and hid themselves. All is not well. God is bringing judgment on them for their lies, and they are about to be punished for deception and disobedience.

This shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise to us. Most of us think of the Bible as condemning those who lie or deceive. In the Ten Commandments God famously instructs Moses, “thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.” And I know for me I would think of that command in shorthand as “don’t lie” But that’s not quite right. The way these commandments are written, you could probably guess that they served as laws for Israel, so when we think of the Ten Commandments, its actually helpful to think about a courtroom. If someone is willing to lie in a courtroom about what they saw, the legal system can fundamentally breakdown. Justice is no longer served; the innocent go to jail and criminals go free. It is absolutely essential that people do not bear false witness against their neighbors.

Okay, so don’t lie in the courtroom. Keep the justice system working appropriately, but lying, especially to spare someone’s feelings or help someone…is that always wrong? There are at least two situations in the Bible I can think of that help us. One is with Rahab and the Israelite army. Maybe you know this story - the Israelites are marching into Cana and in Joshua 2, spies are sent ahead into the city of Jericho. This was a huge fortress and would have been near impossible to defeat. Rahab, though, took in the spies and when the soldiers came looking for them, she said “no, they already left. Their gone; quick, go after them!” When they leave she returns to the Israelite spies and says, essentially, I saved your life, please make sure my family is spared when you attack and defeat this city. They agree and when they do defeat this huge city, Rahab is spared. Later in the New Testament she is commended for her faith. She showed trust in God by lying to the people in Jericho and saving the Israelites.

Then there’s the midwives in Exodus 1. The Israelites are outnumbering the Egyptians, so the Pharaoh decides to have the midwives murder the newborn Israelite baby boys. The midwives, however, don’t listen to the Pharaoh. When he discovers this and asks why they have betrayed him, they say, “oh, well, the Israelite women aren’t like us. They give birth really fast and we can’t get there in time to kill the babies.” He accepts their lies and thus Moses is born to the Israelites and one day would free them from Egyptian rule.

Both stories seem to encourage lying that leads to positive outcomes, or at the least it passively accepts it as a necessity to accomplish a greater good. Even one of my favorite theologians, Dietrich Bonhoffer, who studied in New York City and intentionally, willfully put himself in harms way by returning to Nazi Germany to save as many people as he could, said such actions are okay. Imagine, he says, how absurd it would be to think that you must tell the truth to Nazi soldiers who are going to kill the people you love. Why should you tell the truth to people who will only do more evil with that information? But there is far more to it than just lying to evil people, or resisting people you disagree with. He says we always tell the truth until honesty comes in conflict with higher values.

So, if you are torn between saving lives and telling the truth....save lives! I made the mistake of valuing my own feelings more than speaking the truth to my friend, Ariel. So for that, Ariel, if you ever hear this, I am truly sorry! I valued my own opinions, “my truth” more than my wife’s feelings. I was a fool to ignore how beautiful her confidence makes her look. Being honest is about much more than what is true and what is false. The world is not a simple dichotomy with everything in black and white. When we are telling the truth, we can’t just make factually true statements and avoid a lie. In fact, we could tell only truth and completely misrepresent a situation. If we withhold crucial information or are intentionally vague to get what we want, we are being dishonest.

In an age of distrust for public figures, and the media blurring the news and propaganda, we need to stand for truth. Bonhoffer would say Christians are people who love the truth. He described Christians in such an impossible scenario in World War 2 that our conviction in following Jesus can make us guilty for the love of our neighbors. We take on guilt for smaller sins like lying in order to love God and care for our neighbors.

I mentioned earlier the viewing and service we had this week for Luke Kearney who died at just 24 years old. I think in talking with his parents, Phil and Laura, as well as listening to the testimonies people shared about Luke, I heard an example of what it looks like to be truly honest. Its so easy, when someone dies, to paint that person in the most generous light. When I met with Luke’s parents they were telling me how Luke grew up in this church, that he was a part of the youth group and that he waited until he was much older than most to go through confirmation class. One person told me he was a senior in High School when he did that, but its because he was searching. He had found faith for himself. His mother even told me that just this past Sunday he was watching from home the church service we had here at Grace. They wanted me to know that their son was a Christian! That he trusted God. They weren’t misrepresenting their son; they were sharing the essence of what truly matters. We don’t lie about people at their funeral - we share what is most fundamental about who they are. We share their values that made them so unique and special. At Luke’s service there were a lot of tears. We cried together at a person taken from us too son, but we were honest with our emotions and the love so many of us had for Luke.

That’s a touch of what real love looks like. We speak the truth; we prioritize love; we deal with the things that make us uncomfortable. Consider how you might be truly honest today. Do you need to confess a sin? To be forgiven? Do you need to recommit yourself to loving the truth in your life? Today is the day. Choose to prioritize the values of God that lead to love in its deepest, truest, most honest form. Amen? Amen.

Holy Communion