Single and Satisfied

Opening Prayer

Let’s open with prayer. If you have a prayer concern, just offer it up out loud in this space. It can be a situation, a need, a family member or friend. When I sense we are finished I will close out our prayer.

Almighty God, you have given your only Son to be for us a sacrifice for sin, and also an example of godly life: Give us grace to receive thankfully the fruits of his redeeming work, and to follow daily in the blessed steps of his most holy life; through Jesus Christ your Son our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

Introduction

We began a new series last week Relationship Goals: How to Win at What Matters Most. We are going through 1 Corinthians 7 looking at marriage and singleness, sexuality and celibacy. The aim of our series is to help us navigate today's sexual landscape in a way that can lead to both faithfulness and fulfillment.

I’ve called today’s message Single and Satisfied. I want to say up front what I mean by this. I don’t mean that if you are single you ought to be satisfied. Like, suck it up and just be content. No, if God has placed in your heart the desire for marriage, that is a godly desire to work toward. What I mean is that you can find satisfaction as you wait for God’s person and timing. I also want to say that I speak this morning with great trepidation. I am speaking as a 53 year old father of four who has been blessed so far with 33 years of marriage to a wonderful spouse. I know it can seem frustrating to hear a married person talk about singleness. So I do so with every effort to be sensitive because I know for many, including our own daughter, that singleness can often be a source of great pain.

This morning I will speak specifically to singles. But I will also speak to marrieds, because we marrieds have done much to hurt singles unintentionally. And as a church, we need to focus on what it looks like to love well our single family members.

The relationship goal I want to focus on this morning is this Relationship Goal #3: Choose to be satisfied while single. To be single in this culture is to often be looked upon as a social pariah. An outcast, a reject, a third wheel. Whether intentional or not, close friendships between two people of the same sex are often broken when one begins to date, causing the other to feel left behind. If you are single, and don’t want to be, it can sometimes feel like you have no control. You can’t make someone take interest in you. You can’t make someone fall in love with you. You can’t even control your circumstances in such a way that you will find that special someone. But there are specific choices you can be in control of that can help you remain satisfied and faithful even when single. The narrative that plays in American culture is that you are nobody until you have somebody. You must have somebody to be satisfied. But the Lord reminds you this morning that he is your somebody, and you need nobody to be satisfied.

Unhelpful things the church has done to singles.

Before we start pulling from this passage, let me first share some things that the church has often inadvertently done that hurt single people. I collected this from interviews with multiple singles.

Treat them as if something is wrong with them. We often do this unintentionally when we constantly inquire of singles why they haven’t settled down yet.

Instead of incorporating them into the entire church family, they are often funneled into a specialized ministry for people like them. Many times this is little more than a Christian meat market where the church hopes you’ll find someone and get married so you’ll be like us and we won’t have to feel awkward around you.

Limit their participation in church. Like we so often do with young people, we act as if singles are not ready to be full-fledged disciples capable of leading and having a voice in church until they are married. Here we should remember that neither Jesus nor the apostle Paul were married, and I’m pretty sure both would qualify for church leadership.

Make false promises about God’s plans for them. That God necessarily has “that special someone” picked out is categorically false. I know there are some who are convinced that God showed them in a dream or by some other means who they would marry. Maybe that’s true for some. But the Lord does not promise us a spouse anywhere in Scripture. He has created most of us with a sexual drive, and he has placed us in environments where meeting someone special is possible, but there are no guarantees. And if it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong, or that there is anything wrong with you. Sometimes it’s just life.

Offer unhelpful and unsolicited advice about how they can attract a man/woman. “Lose some weight. Groom yourself better. Wear nicer clothes. Show more skin.” Listen, God has made people with such variety, and that includes their taste in the opposite sex. Some like people with more padding, some like less. Some like tall, some like short. Light skin, dark skin, freckles, red hair, no hair - whatever you see in the mirror - it’s good enough! There is someone - many someone’s - who like exactly what you look like. So unless your single friend has mold growing between their teeth, stop offering advice on how to get a spouse.

Encouraging them to settle. No marriage is better than a bad marriage.

Paul the divorcee?

As we look into this passage this morning, I want to ask you a question. What is the apostle Paul had once been married? That may be a new thought. But every commentary I read this week - probably close to a dozen very reliable ones - all said the same thing. That it is unlikely that Paul was never married. For one, he was a respected rabbi. Two, he was a member of the Pharisees prior to his conversion. What we know of Jewish writings during his time is that it was expected that men be married, and that being unmarried was a hindrance to being upwardly mobile. It’s no guarantee he was married, but it is at least just as likely he had been at one point than he hadn’t been.

Many scholars suggest that when Paul says he wishes people to remain like him, he is referring to himself as someone who was once married but is not now. So what if Paul was divorced, his wife leaving him at his conversion (and his subsequent loss of status)? Or what if he was a widower, his wife and child dying in childbirth at some point in the past? How does this help re-frame what Paul is saying to those in a similar situation? If you are single, perhaps at the very least, hear Paul as someone who may be more like you than you thought.

Paul says more than once in this section of Scripture, without hesitation, that he thinks his chosen situation - singleness - is best. Paul found a way, as a possible divorcee or widower, to find satisfaction in his singleness? What counsel would Paul, and the Holy Spirit, give to singles today? Some of the things I’ll say are lifted from this passage. Some I’ll say simply because they are true.

Singleness is a really good option.

Three different times in the passage we read Paul says, if you are single, it is better to remain as you are. For Paul, singleness was not a “have to” but a “get to”. He thought it best, if one could, to remain as he was in an unmarried state. But he acknowledges that not everyone - perhaps few - can do this. There is such a thing as the gift of celibacy, and not everyone has it. Therefore, you do not sin by actively pursuing marriage. That is far better than to be consumed with lust, which will lead to sin.

If you are single and already satisfied with where you are in life, don’t let our cultural expectations make you feel less-than because you aren’t married and aren’t interested in marriage. Paul says that’s better! Great pressure is put on romance and finding the right one, don’t fall for it. Marriage is not something to do simply because you feel a little bored or lonely. Marriage is a calling, just like singleness, and don’t let anyone try to force you into it. Your worth, and even your satisfaction, is not tied to your marital status. God says you are enough just as you are!

Find good gospel companions.

Have you ever noticed in the Bible that Paul was never alone? His writings always had reference to those who were with him, those he was sending to his audience, and those he was asking them to send his way. He surrounded himself with many gospel companions along the way. Some were likely unmarried like him, such as Timothy or Silas. Other, like Junia and Andronicus, Priscilla and Aquila were married. He related and fellowshipped with both singles and marrieds.

The kind of companions you surround yourself with, however, will make a difference on how you experience singleness. Are the people you keep company with - married or single - going after God, or are they chasing after what the world offers? It is hard to swim against the tide of what those around you are doing. Find companions for the journey that have the same goals and priorities.

Utilize your freedom well.

Paul says its better to remain unmarried. Why? Because unmarried means undistracted. There is a certain freedom you enjoy as a single that is not available to married. Married people are not completely free to do what they please. They have responsibility to a spouse and children. In fact, if you are married, you have to make sure this responsibility remains your priority. Ministry and so-called obedience to God that leaves your family in a mess is misguided. A.W. Tozer, best known for his book The Pursuit of God, was one of the most powerful preachers and theologians of the 20th century. He was also a lousy husband and father. His wife and children were routinely ignored in his pursuit of God’s calling. On one occasion, he went missing for three weeks. His wife was frantic with worry, only to receive a note from him in the mail that simply said pack the house and move to this address. He had taken a job in another city - without consulting her! It wasn’t until after his death that his wife of 45 years learned that he had chosen to always give have of his salary back to the church, had declined enrolling in their pension plan, and didn’t take any of the dividends of his book sales. He left her virtually destitute. And I’m sure the whole time he thought he was doing God’s will as a pastor and preacher.

If you are unmarried, you DO have freedom to make these choices and to live this kind of life, because no one is depending on you. Utilize your freedom well, but with a gospel intent. God’s gift of freedom is never freedom from responsibility, but freedom to responsibility. As a single person you are free to truly seek God’s will for your life and future.

Acknowledge your desires and disgruntlement.

As often as Paul said it is best to remain unmarried, he just as often qualified the statement by saying that if you desire marriage, it is not wrong. In fact, for the vast majority of people, this will be the case. Don’t fee guilty about it. Marriage and singleness are both God-given vocations. Desiring marriage is not a sign that you are discontent or not trusting God. God has placed within MOST of us a desire for a spouse.

If you do not possess the gift of celibacy, meaning you struggle with sexual desire and want to be married, the only caution I would offer is to be careful how you go about finding a spouse and where you look. Here is where there is temptation to compromise, to settle for less than God has for you. Refuse to let loneliness or a sense of desperation tempt you to compromise over such an important choice - no matter how long it takes. I repeat, no marriage is better than a bad marriage.

Acknowledge the difficulty. Singleness is HARD for those who don’t to be single. There are biological desires we want to satisfy, sometimes a burning passion, and yet God calls us to sexual sacrifice consistent with our situation. For singles, that calling is celibacy. But it’s OK to tell God it sucks and you don’t like it!

Wait patiently.

This is a hard word, especially if you feel you’ve been waiting a long time. Don’t settle for less than God’s best. Waiting is not the same as inactivity. You can pray for a spouse. You can work on your inner life so that you will be a good spouse. You can do as Ruth did when she uncovered Boaz’ feet as a signal that she was available if he was interested. You can pursue godly relationships with the opposite sex to see where it leads. Waiting doesn’t mean inactivity; it means not becoming desperate.

Until he brings a spouse, focus on your relationship with Jesus. He is your source and your life. He gives life meaning and purpose. Having a spouse does not make for a completely satisfied life. Only Jesus can give that, and if you expect it of your spouse, you will be disappointed.

God loves you.

God loves you - even if he has not yet answered your prayer. He is not holding out on you. You have a loving Father whether he gives you what you want, when you want it, or not. All of us can learn to rest in this.

I love this quote by Charles Spurgeon that was on our FB page this week: “God is too good to be unkind and he is too wise to be mistaken. And when we cannot trace his hand, we must trust his heart.”

Jesus understands your loneliness.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who in every respect has been tested as we are, yet without sin.” (Hebrews 4:15, NRSV)

We don’t like to think this way about the Savior, but he was fully human. That means he may have struggled with his calling to redeem humanity and his desire to live a normal human life with a wife and children. This isn’t sacrilegious to suggest. It acknowledges that he was truly one of us. He faithfully lived out his calling. He is with you to help you live out your calling - even if it is only temporary.

How can we in the church love those who are single?

How do we as a church love those who are single?

Include them. I think we sometimes feel awkward about inviting single friends over if we are also having married couples. Afraid we will make them feel left out - so we leave them out! Singles, just like marrieds, need to feel wanted and included. Our needs for companionship are still the same.

Honor their calling. Even if they desire not to be single, it is the calling the Lord has given them for now. There was a time in church history when those who chose singleness for the sake of ministry were honored most of all in the church for the sacrifice they were making. We need to recapture that sense of honor for singles.

Be there for them. Remind them through words and actions that they are whole and that they belong. If you don’t know how love them well, ask them. It might come as a surprise, but single people know they are single. They might appreciate being asked what helps them feel loved.

Don’t play matchmaker. - unless they ask!

Communion

The narrative that plays in American culture is that you are nobody until you have somebody. But the Lord reminds you this morning that he is your somebody, and you need nobody to be satisfied.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life.” (John 3:16, NRSV)

In Jesus Christ God’s plan of redemption is complete and satisfied. In Jesus Christ we are complete and satisfied.

And so we are bold to pray...

The Lords Prayer

Words of Institution