1 Peter--Lesson 6--The Attractive Wife

Introduction

When you got married, how well did you know the person you married?

Most would say, “not as well as I do now.”

When Vickie and I were married, we attended a first-ever Engaged Couples Retreat hosted by Carl Brecheen and Paul Faulkner of ACU. I will never forget the first words Paul Faulkner said. “Our goal this weekend is to break some of you up.”

To say people paid attention is an understatement. But what he meant was, “some of you don’t know the person you think you want to spend the rest of your life with.” And through a series of sessions and diagnostic tests, they wanted couples to look at each other and ask, “are we ready to get married.”

I have likened it to marrying someone with a paper bag over her head and not finding what you married until after the wedding.

I remember one couple. They met during the week of finals, and on the Friday of that week, he proposed, and she accepted. She went home to plan a May wedding. They did not escape that weekend without reconsidering.

Peter asks this question in a different form, especially to wives. Who are you when you take off your jewelry and makeup? That’s scary for most women.

But the question is crucial because it affects the eternal destiny of not just the woman but of her husband as well.

Discussion

A Word to Wives

We tend to overlook connective words, but we shouldn’t in this passage. It links a lot of things together.

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,” (1 Peter 3:1, ESV)

Likewise. What does that mean? It glances backward to other places. In fact, this passage is one in a series held together by a concept called submission. Listen to what Peter has already said:

“Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution, whether it be to the emperor as supreme,” (1 Peter 2:13)

“Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust.” (1 Peter 2:18)

How do you handle a hostile world as a Christian? You prove yourself to be a model citizen. If you are a slave, be a model slave, regardless of treatment.

So what about wives? He gives them the same command:

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,” (1 Peter 3:1, ESV)

He tells them, as he had Christian citizens and Christian slaves, to remain under the authority. The word submit echoes again in this passage. It is the word for standing in rank and respects a structure that holds life together.

Moderns might chaff under the instructions because they hear “submit” and pronounce it “inferior.” Peter never indicates that at all. To get that out of the Bible, you have to put it there because inspired men did not write it that way.

But to understand this completely, we have to step out of our 21st Century minds into sandals of a woman walking down an Ephesian street. Who was she in her time?

It was not pleasant for women, for their station in life was limited.

The Jewish Notion

Jews maintained a woman was a thing owned by her husband. He controlled her in all that she did. He could tell her where to go and where not to go.

We can see this kind of control in the law of divorce in Deuteronomy 24.

“When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs out of his house,” (Deuteronomy 24:1)

Notice that the man decides whether a marriage continues. He is the one looking for the “indecency” which remained undefined. It would cause much debate and disagreement over the centuries, as we see in Matthew 19.

The man used his sole discretion in defining “indecency” and what to do about it.

The Greek Notion

The Greeks held that a woman was no more than a toy to be played with by her husband.

As one Greek writer put it, “the duty of the woman was ‘to remain indoors and to be obedient to her husband’.”

Even for the philosophical Greeks, women had no status.

The Roman Notion

The Romans, with their control-oriented society, saw women as something to dominate and control.

It doesn’t require much reading to discover how diminished a role women had in the Roman world.

Sulpicius Gallus dismissed his wife because she had once appeared in the streets without a veil. Antistius Vetus divorced his wife because he saw her secretly speaking to a freedwoman in public. Publius Sempronius Sophus divorced his wife because once she went to the public games.

It is not hard to see that this braiding of ideas paints a bleak view of women. They seem powerless and victims to the cruel twists of petulant husbands.

Moderns have accused Christianity of being “anti-woman,” but the truth is Christianity was the liberation force for women. In Christ, there was neither “male nor female.” Before God, they stood as equals.

While culture made women powerless, Christianity made women powerful…They had the power of influence. They could change things.

The Power of Wives

Peter presents a familiar picture.

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,” (1 Peter 3:1, ESV)

In the New Testament, you read of women being drawn to Jesus. There were Marys who followed him. In the early chapters of Acts, you find the mother of John Mark hosting the prayer meeting that got Peter sprung from Herod’s jail.

What was typical was a woman would come to Christ, but her husband would not. And he would not be happy with her decision. It would take her away from home and fill her head with all kinds of crazy ideas like the dead living again.

You see this folded into the pages of the New Testament when you come to the story of Timothy.

When Paul traveled on his second missionary journey, he comes to the twin cities of Lystra and Derbe. He is introduced to something that would assist him in ways he would never realize until later.

“Paul came also to Derbe and to Lystra. A disciple was there, named Timothy, the son of a Jewish woman who was a believer, but his father was a Greek.” (Acts 16:1)

A woman was there who was a “believer.” She had a son she had brought to Christ named Timothy. But it must have been a tough home life. Because it makes sure you understand his father was a Greek. He had no need for either Jewish or Christian nonsense and had forbidden his son to be circumcised into Judaism.

It becomes even more clear that it was women, not a man who shaped Timothy. When Paul writes Timothy, he mentions the influences of his life.

“As I remember your tears, I long to see you, that I may be filled with joy. I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice and now, I am sure, dwells in you as well.” (2 Timothy 1:4–5)

There is no mention of a male Christian in his life before Paul comes along. Here are two women who have husbands who are either disinterested or hostile to their faith.

It was this backdrop that is draped behind this passage.

But Peter says about these Christian wives living in a home where they are subject to an unbeliever they can make a difference.

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,” (1 Peter 3:1, ESV)

Peter says that without a word, they may be won.

We all try to “talk” people into things. You could read this as “nag,” but it probably is not that bad. It is the constant bringing up the raw subject or even mounting a verbal defense.

Experience tells us that most of the time, talking creates more resistance. A husband would feel cornered and badgered. He might then lash out at his wife, making her feel like a victim. And usually, it starts a cycle of “you push me, I will push you back.” It is likely that marriage then becomes a continual playground spat, with all losing the battle and making a wedge out of the Christian faith.

When Peter says “won,” he probably does not mean “won to Christ.” The phrase “win for Christ” is a uniquely American sentiment that came out of the 20th-century sawdust crusades of traveling preachers. We win the lost, and the devil loses.

Here, the word means to change someone’s point of view. A Christian wife takes small steps along the way. They want to bring down resistance and hostility. More living cracks open the door to meaningful discussions that will possibly lead to conversion.

It’s not an all or nothing but a movement toward a goal that Peter describes.

This passage brings up the problem and opportunity of proximity.

In a marriage, the people live in the closest way possible. They share everything. They wake up together and go to bed together.

That brings up both a problem and opportunity. We know that an example is either a barrier or an open door. How many times has someone known a Christian who did not exhibit Christian behavior, and they said, “I know those Christians. They are all hypocrites.” They base all they know about Christianity on a single bad apple.

As someone has said, “I cannot hear what you say because your life is shouting at me.” Many times the Christian message is drowned out by bad examples.

Yet, Peter says that a well-lived life has great power to change people. Even when mistakes are made, the honesty of confession and humility goes a long way with unbelievers who have met brusk, holier-than-thou Christians.

This happens because husbands watch their Christian wives.

“when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” (1 Peter 3:2, ESV)

The word “see” means to watch carefully, paying attention to every detail. When someone is looking for a slip, they always find what they want to find.

Peter says non-Christians do observe Christians. Most of the time, to find fault. But if they don’t find fault, they are intrigued. What makes them tick? Why do they act like that? It is something Peter will return to later in the chapter.

They are watching the lifestyle of Christians. He tells the Christian wives they are inspecting their lives for respectful and pure conduct. Peter returns to the word he used to describe how we respond to God and how slaves respond to masters. In last week’s lesson, we mentioned the respect you would give God as well. It needs to have that ring to it.

But Peter adds the word “pure.” In the Roman world, it was associated with pagan temples and was part of instructions on behaving. Perhaps the best way to describe it is to “act the way you would if you were going to meet God.” That should be our life daily, but it is even more critical in the presence of those making judgments concerning the worth of our faith.

Does this actually work?

The best example of this is Monica, the mother of the church father, Augustine. She was a devout Christian woman who was active in her faith. However, neither her son nor husband was Christians.

When Augustine was converted to Christ, he wrote the classic work The Confessions of Augustine. He tells of his mother when he says:

“She served him as her lord; and did her diligence to win him unto Thee … preaching Thee unto him by her conversation [behavior]; by which Thou ornamentest her, making her reverently amiable unto her husband.”

This is the real-life application of Peter’s principle.

All Dressed Up

In contrast, Peter explains further through another imperative of what not to do.

“Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—” (1 Peter 3:3, ESV)

When Peter chooses the word “adornment,” we know what it is. It is the outward look of something finely dressed. The term forms the basis for the English term “cosmetic.” It is that which makes you look good.

He goes on to explain all of what this means. It includes braiding hair and wearing fine jewelry or fancy clothes.

Stop for a moment.

Does Peter teach that women should be “plain” in their appearance?

Should wives not care about their appearance? We know that maintaining an attractive appearance seems to help in marriages.

I like the story about a woman who woke up and threw on her bathrobe. Her hair was in curlers. Her husband reminded her it was trash day and to take out the garbage for the truck to pick it up.

Suddenly, she noticed that the trash truck had come and was a few houses down. She grabbed the trash and starting running behind the garbage truck, yelling, “Is it too late to get some garbage on the truck?”

The driver said, “no, just go ahead and hope on.”

Is that way Peter is saying that women can look awful, and that’s ok?

Yet, people have made this the point of this passage. Women should wear hair down, no jewelry, and the plainest of the dress. When I was a teenager, preachers hijacked it and made it say, “God is against short skirts.” That is a whole different issue that does need discussing but not here.

He goes on to clarify.

“but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” (1 Peter 3:4, ESV)

He speaks of something deeper, something more permanent. He speaks of a woman who is controlled in her temperament and doesn’t demand her own way. She doesn’t shout and scream. Her character tells her story, not her face.

The passage contrasts two different ideas. It is not a contrast between makeup or no makeup. That would be twisting this passage into a shape to make it say what it doesn’t say. It doesn’t give husbands permission to say, “I can’t buy you that diamond ring because the Bible told me I can’t.” That is absurd.

In a former era, early in the 20th century, one of the debates was if a woman owned a mink coat, was she permitted to wear it to church, or did she have to wear a cloth coat? From today’s vantage point, it seems trivial. But this is the battleground for that idea.

Instead, the contrast is between superficial beauty and one based on character.

Some women make their whole lives about their outward appearance. They want to impress others with wealth or youth. In our modern society, where we worship youth and looks, plastic surgery has grown by a quarter-million cases per year. As one plastic surgeon says, “we can remake your life with this procedure.”

The tragedy of shallowness is many are hiding something with “outward adornment.”

Isaiah the prophet (and other prophets) said that women often made up their outside lives to hide their own spiritual ugliness.

“In that day the Lord will take away the finery of the anklets, the headbands, and the crescents; the pendants, the bracelets, and the scarves; the headdresses, the armlets, the sashes, the perfume boxes, and the amulets; the signet rings and nose rings; the festal robes, the mantles, the cloaks, and the handbags; the mirrors, the linen garments, the turbans, and the veils. Instead of perfume there will be rottenness; and instead of a belt, a rope; and instead of well-set hair, baldness; and instead of a rich robe, a skirt of sackcloth; and branding instead of beauty.” (Isaiah 3:18–24)

The Lord would remove their exterior good looks to reveal who they truly were in spirit.

Peter reminds us that over time, external beauty fades, and all that is left is the character of the heart. Beauty queens become wrinkled. Models gain weight in middle age, and glamour is replaced by achy joints and a stiff neck.

We spend a lot of time and money to be good-looking corpses rather than taking the effort to be genuine before the world. Peter asks wives to decide what they want their husbands to see. A quiet and gentle spirit or an image that declines with age?

He wants to leave them with an example.

“For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.” (1 Peter 3:5–6, ESV)

When a wife does this, she shows she is following in giant footsteps.

We tend to forget Sarah when we read Genesis. When Abraham heeds the call to go to Canaan, which seemed like an insanity moment, Sarah went with him. She tolerated him put him in a dangerous position of adultery with lecherous rulers. She never owned anything but gathered the tents with him as they wandered.

She called him “lord” not as a title but as an obedient and submissive wife.

Most make the assumption that this only works if you have a good husband. “If I had an Abraham, I’d do that too.” But that’s not what Peter says.

Even if you are in a difficult situation, he says that you have nothing to fear if you do good. There is the implied mention of God’s care with a woman of character.

Conclusion

I have known many Christian women married to non-Christian husbands. Some of those husbands just ignored them. Some were actively hostile.

And it’s not only about Christian wives with unbelieving husbands. It works in reverse as well.

When I was a boy, I was impressed by a man named Bill. Bill’s wife never darkened the door to the church, and I always wonder what his marriage was like. But I could see what he did.

He had three little girls; the oldest was my age. Every Sunday, Sunday night, and Wednesday night, Bill made sure they were dressed appropriately for church. He did their hair and brought them…all by himself without the support, perhaps with his wife’s resistance.

He showed me the broader application of what a Christian does when he is married to a non-Christian spouse.

As we come to the close, what guideposts along the way do this passage give wives who may be in the situation that Peter describes.

First, a wife is responsible for who they are, not what their husbands do. Husbands in these situations may do everything imaginable to stop the Christian faith. A wife cannot worry about how her husband responds. She can only maintain the faith that she knows to be her lifeline.

Second, who you are always goes with you. I continued to be troubled by the inclination of many Christian couples to seek a divorce, thinking it will be better next time. It’s not. Many times, they find themselves just as miserable as the first. They forget a simple idea. You have the character you bring into a marriage, and changing circumstances does not change you. As the saying goes, wherever you go, there you are.

Finally, trust the Lord to do what you cannot do. No one can make someone peaceful or compliant. No one can force or manipulate someone into becoming a genuine Christian. Live the life you know and trust God to do what is beyond your capacity.

And, if we continue to follow the Lord, the Lord will find the way.