How to Build Better Relationships

Welcome/Intro:

In 2018, a study from health insurer, Cigna, found out that the majority of Americans report regularly “feeling lonely, left out and not known. This research mirrors a host of other report and commentary (including our own [Barna’s]) on the increasing isolation of Americans.”

(https://www.barna.com/research/friends-loneliness/ , October 23, 2018).

What this report, along with Barna’s own research, goes on to show us is that:

[CHART]

25% of American Adults regularly or often feel lonely

On average, people have 5 close friends

22% of Men and 15% of Woman are lonely

Millennials and Gen-Xer’s are the loneliest generation

Lower income communities are lonelier than higher income communities

We have a relationship pandemic on our hands. This study, from 2018, shows us that. Then, two years later, add a global pandemic that literally forced us to isolate from one another, and it’s like pouring gasoline on an already uncontrollable fire within our communities and country.

We need better relationships.

I know this to be true in my life. Seriously, I spend more time with my Dog than I do with actual humans who can talk back to me and who don’t lick themselves inappropriate.

We need better relationships and Paul shows us how to do just that in Ephesians 6:1-9.

Overview/Recap of Ephesians 1-5:

Before we dive into what he says, we need to look at The Backstory of the last chapter of Ephesians.

We have been journeying through the book of Ephesians for like 13 weeks now and we’ve covered a lot of content, so I just want to refresh your memory on what we’ve traveled through. If you’ve missed any weekend, you can always find that on our YouTube channel. While you’re there, like and subscribe to our page so that you don’t miss anything going forward.

Paul is writing to followers of Jesus in and around the ancient city of Ephesus to remind them and encourage them to live in unity with one another because of what Jesus had done for them and what God was doing in and through them. Part of this living a life of unity looks like having better relationships with those around you. Whether it is family members, co-workers, strangers, people in authority, or with people that you have authority over. Whatever relationship you find yourself in, Paul encourages you to redefine that relationship in light of the unifying work that Jesus accomplished on the Cross for all of humanity.

Because of Jesus sacrifice and, ultimately, God’s plan for humanity, we can have better relationships because of the unify that can only be found in Jesus and brought on by the Holy Spirit guiding followers of Jesus to learn from Him so that we can live like him and join him in his mission of making disciples who make disciples that are actively changing the world one person at a time.

Paul starts this letter off by talking about how God has unified everything together and placed it under the authority of Jesus (Eph. 1:10). Because of what Jesus had done: making you worthy to be a part of the family of God, Paul is urging you to live your life worthy of that new life and identity that is only found in Jesus. Because of Jesus, you should always seek unity with others (Eph. 4:1-6). Because of Jesus, you should use the unique, personal, and individual spiritual gifts that the Holy Spirit has given you to serve others and bring them into the family of God (Eph. 4:7-16). Because of Jesus, you should take off your old way of life with its bad habits and ignorant ways of thinking that only lead to death and depression, but instead put on your new identity in Jesus and live your life the way the Holy Spirit guides and directs you to live your life.

When we do this, then our relationships will naturally change because we have changed. So, Paul, turns his attention to our relationships because our relationships are the training grounds in which we grow in our reliance on Jesus. Our relationships are where we are guided by the Holy Spirit to actually live out the new life that is only found in Jesus. Our relationships are where we actually exercise our spiritual gifts and grow in our abilities to love those who are hard to love; where we grow in abilities to stay united with those we disagree with or can’t even understand. Our relationships are where we grow in our abilities to serve others and model the self-sacrificial love of Jesus to people we’d rather just left us alone.

Your relationships are where the rubber meets the road for your faith and new life in Jesus. Because of this, Paul focuses his attention at the end of this letter to the primary relationships in all of our lives: marriage, family, and work.

Now, Paul is writing to a culture that is very different than our culture. He is writing to people who have different issues and concerns than we do today. Paul is writing to a specific audience, at a specific moment in history, about how to live out their new life in Jesus within their specific culture. Because of this, we have to dig a bit deeper into what he says so that we can uproot the universal principles that are buried in the soil of this text so that we can apply those principles to ourselves here in the 21st century, far removed from the issues and culture that Paul was specifically addressing and writing too.

Textual Statement: Continuing his theme of mutual submission that Paul introduces in Ephesians 5:21, Paul commands followers of Jesus to build better relationships because of the unity that Jesus bought for us.

Sermon Statement: God wants you to build better relationships because it reflects who He is and shows others what Jesus has done.

Transition: How do you build better relationships for yourself and others?

Paul offers us three universal principles that we can apply to our lives today that will produce better relationships for ourselves, others, and future generations to come.

If you want to have better relationships, then:

Principle #1: You Need to Belong to Jesus

The only way for you to start having better relationships is if you start following the ways of Jesus.

Paul starts off by saying,

Ephesians 6:1 (NLT)

1 Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do.

What does that mean? ‘You belong to the Lord.’

When you enter into a relationship with Jesus and surrender to him as Lord, leader, Savior, and sustainer of your life, then you no longer do the things that you want to do. Instead, you submit to his will and his ways and start allowing the Holy Spirit to guide you, mold you, and shape you into the person that Jesus died for you become, but also models for you, no matter what you age is, level of intellect, or socio-economic background. When you enter into a relationship with Jesus, then you are dying to yourself and your ways and coming alive in him and allowing his way of life to flow out of you through your actions, your thoughts, your words, and even your motivations.

Paul says there are benefits to better relationships within the home and the community. Some of those benefits include:

Our witness to one another and others is amplified when we submit to one another and live like Jesus (Eph. 5:16-17).

Our relationships can reflect our reverence toward Christ (Eph. 5:21).

Our relationships can reflect the amazing, self-giving, self-sacrificial love of God for humanity (Eph. 5:25-26).

Our relationships can actually contribute to living longer more fulfilling lives (Eph. 6:3).

Our relationships can actually lead God to reward us for the good things we do (Eph. 6:8)

The only way to activate these benefits and access them for your life is by belonging to Jesus.

When you belong to Jesus, then you enter into a new family and new community that is united together around Christ. Even though we might look different, think different, vote different, speak in different languages, or have come from different countries around the world - all of that is superceded by the fact that you and I, even in the midst of our diversity, are still united together because we belong to Jesus. If you belong to Jesus, then you and I belong together because we are both in Jesus.

Paul is doing several interesting things in this section of his letter to the Ephesian believers and we will unpack those things going forward.

The first thing he is doing is that he is trying to help these believers, and us today, understand how to live like Jesus. No matter what our current circumstances are; no matter what our age is; no matter what our work situation us; Paul is commanding us to live like Jesus, because we belong to Jesus.

Paul is elevating and restoring dignity back to the very people whom society has disregarded and robbed from. Paul is highlighting the fact that all believers have been given a new identity in Jesus and because of that new identity we can find unity with others.

Lastly, Paul is laying out a subtle, grassroots revolution that begin in the home, but eventually rippled out into the community, city, country, continent and globe because Spirit-filled, Spirit-guided people should always be creating a culture of freedom, of dignity, of purpose, of love, of unity, and acceptance.

This revolutionary way of building better relationships for ourselves is only possible if you belong to Jesus.

In Paul’s day, this was a revolutionary concept. That people who had nothing to do with one another, who were basically enemies toward each other, could be united together not because of their race, socio-economic background, gender, or political preferences, but because they worshipped the same Savior and God and allowed the Holy Spirit to fill them and guide them, even in spite of their differences.

To some extent, that is STILL a revolutionary concept! That study I referenced earlier also looked at our lack of diversity within our friendships and relationships. They found that:

[CHART]

Most people would say their friends are mostly similar to them in basically ever area of our lives. We hang out with people how have our religious beliefs, who share our racial or ethnic background, who have our level of income, education, social status, are in the same life stage as we are and even share our political views.

No wonder we are polarized and at war with each other. No wonder we can’t agree with one another, but retreat to our echo chambers that simply confirm our biases. No wonder we are isolated from one another and lonelier than we’ve ever been!

If you belong to Jesus, then you life shouldn’t look like that. Your pie graph should be the opposite. Your relationships should look like his!

What did those look like?

Luke 7:34 (NLT)

Luke 7:34 NLT

34 The Son of Man, on the other hand, feasts and drinks, and you say, ‘He’s a glutton and a drunkard, and a friend of tax collectors and other sinners!’

34 The Son of Man, on the other hand, feasts and drinks, and you say, ‘He’s a glutton and a drunkard, and a friend of tax collectors and other sinners!’

Jesus hung out with the crowd that the hypocritical, religious elites considered trash. Don’t make the same mistake they did and just hang with your tribe. Instead, live like Jesus because you belong to Jesus.

Transition: So, if you want to have better relationships, then the first thing you have to do is belong to Jesus.

Principle #2: You Need to Respect Authority

If you belong to Jesus, then you should have no problem respecting authority.

In this section, as in the previous section, Paul speaks directly to individuals who had zero cultural authority or status.

He speaks to women (Ephes. 5:22-24), children (Eph. 6:1-3), and slaves (Eph. 6:5-8). All of these individuals and groups had been robbed of their dignity, subjugated to authority figures, and their identities as image-bearers of God would have been overlooked as they were forced to live lives of service to those in authority over them.

This is how the broader culture of Paul’s day viewed women, children, and slaves:

[Plato Quote- Leges (Laws)]

Plato stated: “Of all the wild beasts, the child is the most intractable; for insofar as it, above all others, possesses a fount of reason that is as yet uncurbed, it is a treacherous, sly and most insolent creature. Wherefore the child must be strapped up, as it were, with many bridles.”

(Plato Leg. , 808D).

[Aristotle Quote]

“A husband and father rules over wife and children . . . for although there may be exceptions to the order of nature, the male is by nature fitter for command than the female, just as the older and full-grown is superior to the younger and more immature…”

Not a great culture to live in if you are a woman, a baby girl, a slave, an unwanted baby boy, or you had a disability or deformity.

It get’s worse though… If you were born a girl, with a deformity or disability, or you were simply an unwanted son, then the father had the absolute legal authority to get rid of you.

Suscipere (Latin) - Sushi-pear- A

You would have been born, brought into your father, placed on the ground in front of him at his feet, and if he picked you up that meant you lived and were accepted into the family.

What if he doesn’t pick you up?

That meant that your father was intentionally exposing you to the elements by leaving you at a site, usually a garbage dump or dung heap, where the child either died or was taken by a stranger to be raised, usually as a slave.

The culture in which Paul was writing too absolutely understood and respected authority, but what Paul is doing here in Ephesians 6 is giving us a reason for respecting authority, no matter what our circumstances may be.

This is what he says to the children in the audience:

Ephesians 6:1–3 (NLT)

1 Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. 2 “Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: 3 If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.”

Belonging to Jesus means that you obey your parents if you are still underage.

Why? Because Jesus obeyed His parents when he was growing up.

Luke 2:51 (NIV)

Luke 2:51 NIV

51 Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. But his mother treasured all these things in her heart.

51 Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. But his mother treasured all these things in her heart.

Belonging to Jesus means that you bring honor to your parents if you are older.

Why? Because Jesus brought honor to His earthly parents. While Jesus was on the cross, physically dying for our sins, John 19:25-27 says,

John 19:25–27 (NLT)

25 Standing near the cross were Jesus’ mother, and his mother’s sister, Mary (the wife of Clopas), and Mary Magdalene. 26 When Jesus saw his mother standing there beside the disciple he loved, he said to her, “Dear woman, here is your son.” 27 And he said to this disciple, “Here is your mother.” And from then on this disciple took her into his home.

Obedience not only leads to life, longevity, and possible prosperity, but it also conditions you to obey God, your Heavenly Father, by bringing Him honor,

This is what Jesus did for his Heavenly Father:

John 8:49 (NLT)

49 “No,” Jesus said, “I have no demon in me. For I honor my Father—and you dishonor me.

Jesus lived his life in obedience to the authority over him. For a season of his life, that was his earthly mother and father. For his entire life, it was God his Heavenly Father.

If you want to have better relationships, then you need to belong to Jesus and live like him by respecting those in authority over you.

SLAVES

Paul also highlights a group of individuals that had been overlooked, stepped over, and treated without respect or the dignity that they deserved and that were the slaves that were a part of the church in Ephesus.

What he does, here in Ephesians 6:5-8 is so much different than what his contemporaries have said concerning slaves. Here’s what Aristotle had to say about slavery:

“For that some should rule and others be ruled is a thing not only necessary, but expedient; from the hour of their birth, some are marked out for subjection, others for rule...”

Aristotle, Politics

Now, Paul’s words here in Ephesians 6:5-8 have been twisted to justify the demonic institution of slavery. His words have been taken out of context in the past in order to fit an economic system that was built on the backs of fellow image-bearers of God. I hope we can treat his words better today by actually exploring why he wrote what he writes.

Ephesians 6:5–8 (NLT)

Ephesians 6:5–8 NLT

5 Slaves, obey your earthly masters with deep respect and fear. Serve them sincerely as you would serve Christ. 6 Try to please them all the time, not just when they are watching you. As slaves of Christ, do the will of God with all your heart. 7 Work with enthusiasm, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. 8 Remember that the Lord will reward each one of us for the good we do, whether we are slaves or free.

5 Slaves, obey your earthly masters with deep respect and fear. Serve them sincerely as you would serve Christ. 6 Try to please them all the time, not just when they are watching you. As slaves of Christ, do the will of God with all your heart. 7 Work with enthusiasm, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. 8 Remember that the Lord will reward each one of us for the good we do, whether we are slaves or free.

Ephesians (Slaves and Masters / 6:5–9)

Paul [is] neither condemned nor condoned slavery in these words. On one hand, Paul was not interested in starting a revolutionary … to destroy … the Roman Empire. On the other hand, Paul was starting a revolutionary movement … [within] the context of the church, where selflessness and love constituted new relationships based not on power but on mutual [respect and] affirmation.

What Paul is doing here is trying to help these believers live like Jesus no matter what their current circumstances were. By doing this, Paul is laying the ground work that helps fellow brothers and sisters in Christ treat each other with the love, grace, and dignity that is due them because they belong to Jesus and have been created in God’s image.

Therefore, if you are a believer today; then Paul would tell you the same things that he told these slaves in Ephesus: obey your bosses, respect them, honor them, work hard because you aren’t really working for them or that paycheck - - you are working for God. Do you job well, whether your boss is around or not, and work enthusiastically.

You treat your job this way, not because you are brown-nosing, but because you belong to Jesus and you value your relationship with your boss and co-workers. By doing that, you will actually promote your Christian witness among them and possibly win them to Jesus through your hard work. Plus, Paul says that Jesus will reward your hard work. That is worth more than a paycheck!

Transition: So, if you want to have better relationships, then you need to belong to Jesus and follow his example of obeying the authority figures in your life. Lastly, if you want to have better relationships, then …

Principle #3: You Need to Put Others Before Yourself

The way in which Paul structures verses 1-9 shows us that he is giving dignity to those who never recieved any from their culture. He is elevating those who had no authority at all and calling them to live the type of lives that Jesus made them worthy to live, even though their culture robbed them of status. Secondly, Paul does address those who were in positions of authority in his day and time. He addresses two groups: Fathers (Parents) and Masters.

Ephesians 6:4 (NLT)

4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.

Ephesians 6:4 NLT

4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.

Ephesians 6:9 (NLT)

Ephesians 6:9 NLT

9 Masters, treat your slaves in the same way. Don’t threaten them; remember, you both have the same Master in heaven, and he has no favorites.

9 Masters, treat your slaves in the same way. Don’t threaten them; remember, you both have the same Master in heaven, and he has no favorites.

Fathers

Faithlife Study Bible Chapter 6

In first-century Greco-Roman society, fathers—as the head of the household—had complete authority within the household to administer discipline. Paul advises them to avoid exercising that authority in ways that might cause their children to harbor resentment. Paul is advocating for fathers treating their children with kindness, which would have been unexpected for Graeco-Roman society; he is arguing that parents treat their children as Christ would.

Ephesians Children and Parents / 6:1–4

For Paul to say that they needed to treat their children as human beings and consider their feelings was revolutionary.

Paul is commanding parents to put the needs and unique personalities of their children above themselves and nurture them, build into them, train them, and instruct them in the things of God. If you are a Father today, then you should shoulder your responsibilities as a parent to educate your children about Jesus. If you are Mother today, then you should shoulder your responsibilities to train your children to live like Jesus.

It’s interesting, but Paul doesn’t the church to do this. He doesn’t tell the Ephesus church to start a children’s ministry. He doesn’t say, send them to private, Christian schools. Instead, he commands parents to train their children to learn from and live like Jesus.

Lastly, Paul talks to the masters of the slaves that were in the church of Ephesus and he tell them to treat them with the honor and dignity that is owed them because they belong to Jesus, they are in the same family of God, and they are fellow image-bearers of God.

Masters

Faithlife Study Bible Chapter 6

In Graeco-Roman society, masters had the right to treat slaves as they saw fit. Paul commands masters to set aside their rights and to instead treat their slaves with kindness as people who are equal before Christ (compare note on Eph 6:5).

Paul is instructing these believers on how to live like Jesus in their day and time. He is addressing specific people, at a specific time in history, living in a specific culture that is completely different than the one we live in today. But, even though Paul is addressing these specific believers does not mean that we can’t take what he said to them and apply it to our lives today.

Conclusion/Call to Action

If you are child today - obey your parents because you belong to Jesus.

If you are a parent today - lovingly train your kid (with all of their unique gifts and personality) to live like Jesus, because you belong to Jesus.

If you work for a living today - then work with everything you have because you aren’t working for a paycheck or Employee-of-the-Month awards, you are working for Jesus, because you belong to Jesus.

If you are a manager or business owner - treat your coworkers with dignity, pay them well, give them a retirement plan, insurance, paid paternity/maternity/family leave. Why? Because you belong to Jesus.

When you belong to Jesus, then your relationships should look like his: serving others, loving others, telling them the truth even if it hurts, and putting their needs above your own.

When you belong to Jesus, then your life should look like his life: one of self-denying, sacrificing service to others so that they could come into the new family that God was making out of his former enemies.

[PRAY]