Marriage According to the Bible, Part 2

I remember when I met with my future father-in-law to ask if I could marry his daughter. We were at a Starbucks over off Campus. I was nervous, and we began by making small talk. We were talking about the weather when he finally interrupted me, “Did you want to ask me something?” So I asked, and then what followed was a conversation about what marriage is the potential difficulty, and I said, a totally naive 21-year old, “How hard could it be?” And I will never forget his words: “It could be the hardest thing you ever do.”

He’s right, and I’ve seen marriages become war zones and battlefields. The Bible teaches that marriage is a good gift from God, but there may be some thinking, “You’re saying marriage is a gift - did it come with a receipt? This isn’t what I asked for. What’s the return policy?” In other words, in our fallen world, the greatest blessings can become the most difficult trials.

Now why is that? Why is it that marriage can be so difficult? The easy answer, of course, is sin. But let’s be more specific. What’s the problem?

Imagine trying to build a house without blueprints. You’re just winging it. It may resemble a house but it’s going to be unstable, imbalanced, off-kilter, and potentially dangerous. If we’re going to build healthy marriages, we need God’s blueprints. And in our text in Mark 10, Jesus lays out God’s blueprints for marriage.

So go back to Mark 10 and let’s review where we’re at. Verse 2, the Pharisees are testing Jesus by asking him about marriage and divorce. Jesus replies by pointing back to Moses, that is, the Pentateuch, the Torah: “What did Moses command you?” They say that Moses allowed a certificate of divorce and sending her away, and they’re citing Deuteronomy 24. Now, the Pharisees are not interpreting Deuteronomy 24 correctly, because that text was a way they regulated divorce, but it did not legitimize divorce. That’s what Jesus is getting at when he says “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment.” In other words, because of sin, because of the way you were flippantly divorcing your wives, he made this regulation.

And at that point he begins to provide God’s design for marriage: we summed his teaching up in four words: Gender, Marriage, Providence, and Permanence. First, he says, “But from the beginning of creation, God made them male and female.” That’s his first point related to gender, and that was the subject of last week’s message. Second, he says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” That’s marriage. “What therefore God has joined together” - that’s providence. “Let not man separate” - that’s permanence.

Last week we started with “male and female.” That’s where all marriages begin. God invented marriage, and in order to be a marriage, it must start with a man and a woman.

Now, the question that immediately arises here: “what about a man and a man, or a woman and a woman?” The answer is this: two people of the same sex cannot be married. Two people of the same sex can cohabitate, but according to God’s definition of marriage, their relationship is not a marriage.

What does God think of homosexuality? What does the rest of Scripture tell us? We could do an entire sermon on this, but I’ll lay it out this way. There main passages that address it are Genesis 19, Leviticus 18 & 20, Romans 1, 1 Corinthians 6, and 1 Timothy 1 that address homosexuality head on. Others address it indirectly, but these expressly say it.

Genesis 19, about Sodom and Gomorrah. Jude 7 clarifies what it was: “Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding cities, which likewise indulged in sexual immorality and pursued unnatural desire, serve as an example by undergoing a punishment of eternal fire.” Leviticus 18 and 20 teach that homosexual sex was a captial offense in Israel because it’s an abomination to God. Romans 1 teaches that erotic homosexual relationships are the expression of the idolatry of man’s heart, as he turns away from the creator and worships the creation. 1 Corinthians and 1 Timothy include homosexuality in what are called “vice-lists;” lists of sins to be repented of.

Bible scholar Robert Gagnon published a massive tome, 522 pages of in depth study on this issue. The book is called The Bible and Homosexual Practice: Texts and Hermeneutics. Jurgen Becker, another New Testament scholar called it the “the most sophisticated and convincing examination of the biblical data for our time.” His summary conclusion is this: “Scripture rejects homosexual behavior because it is a violation of the gendered existence of male and female ordained by God at creation.”

Christians, in order to love well, we must believe God’s word. In other words, it is cruel to say “yes” when God has said “no.” Who do we think we are, do be silent where God is clear? Or to be wishy-washy where God is firm? Any teacher who is peddling the lie that God affirms homosexual behavior has defied God, put themselves in the place of God, and is abusing their religious power, acting like the serpent saying, “You will not surely die.”

We do not have the right to defy God’s clear word on the matter. It is not love, it is not compassion, it is not helpful. True love is willing to speak the truth in love, and this is what the Christian church must stand for. We love all sinners, including homosexual sinners, and we invite them to repent of their sin, find grace and forgiveness. We want them to know that they are loved, but love does not mean agreement and approval.

If you are a sinner, Jesus died and rose to redeem sinners. If God has called something a sin, it does no good to convince yourself and others that it’s not. Believe God, confess, and receive forgiveness. Jesus loves to save sinners. Jesus loves to lift the humble. Jesus loves to redeem the broken. Jesus loves to transform the stuck. Jesus rose from the dead, lives today, has all authority in heaven and earth, and promises to return someday, but right now he offers full pardon, forgiveness, and mercy to those who turn to him by faith. Be washed clean!

So biblical marriage is male and female. But it’s more than just a man and a woman together. Jesus quotes Genesis 2:24 which says “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.” This verse builds upon the male-female nature of marriage. A marriage is a male and female who leaves their previous families, cleaves to one another, and weaves their lives together as one.

Now as we go through each of these 3 points I am going to give the Principle, the Pitfall. The principle will look at the text and demonstrate what it’s teaching and how it applies. The pitfall will examine ways we fail to applies these things and are marriages are hurting for it. Practice will be something spouses can do to begin working on their marriages.

Before we get to the three points, I want to point out an oft missed reality in the text that undergirds the rest of the three points. Consider “Therefore a man shall leave his mother and father.” Usually when this is taught, we start with the idea of leaving. We’ll get to that. But I want to consider where the man is leaving from. Notice, a man shall leave his father and mother. That is to say, for man to be ready to leave, he needs to be prepared by a mother and a father. Mothers and fathers need to prepare their children to leave the nest. Preparation for a healthy marriage starts in a home with a healthy marriage.

If you are a single parent, there’s hope for you. Single father, be invested in the church and help your children come under the influence of spiritual mothers; if you’re a single mother, invest in the church and help your children receive the care of men who can be like spiritual fathers.

I heard a story of a farmer who got his sons up early on Saturday mornings to help with the corn fields when most other boys were sleeping in. One of the neighbors said, “You know, you could get this equipment, and your sons could sleep in, and you’d harvest just as much corn” The farmer replied, “I’m not raising corn, I’m raising sons.” Hard work. Self-sufficiency.

Wise parents put thought into preparing their kids for life and marriage. If parents aren’t actively training their kids for life, for work, for marriage, they won’t be prepared. And that’s why we have an epidemic of prolonged adolescence. There’s something wise about the Jewish Bar-mitzvah, which was a celebration of a boy turning 13, and when he turned 13 he was responsible and accountable to act like a man. Our society’s expectations for 13 year olds is so impossibly low it’s a joke. We expect (and some parents promote) their teenagers to be wild and have fun before they get responsibilities. Christians should be prepared with a plan to help their kids function in society and in the church.

Ben Sasse: “I believe our entire nation is in the midst of a collective coming-of-age crisis without parallel in our history. We are living in an America of perpetual adolescence. Our kids simply don't know what an adult is anymore - or how to become one. Many don't even see a reason to try. Perhaps more problematic, the older generations have forgotten that we need to plan to teach them. It's our fault more than it is theirs.”

Now let’s get to the three foundations of a biblical marriage: Leave, Cleave, Weave.

# 1 The Leave Principle: What does it mean for a child to “leave his father and mother”? In marriage, the man and woman each have a mother and father. For the marriage to thrive, it’s important not only for the man and woman to have a proper relationship with one another, but for the couple to know how to relate to their in-laws. They say that problems with in-laws is a top 3 marriage problem. It’s a problem because this biblical principle is so often ignored.

What does it mean for a couple to “leave father and mother”?It does not mean breaking off all relationships. It does not mean take no responsibility for your extended family. It does not mean you abandon them. It does not mean moving out of town.

When you left your parents and got married, it means this: your parents are no longer your authority. You no longer need to be controlled by your parents' opinions. You no longer are dependent on your parents' approval. Your parents are no longer your chief confidantes. Your parents are not the decisive factor in your decision making. A healthy amount of space is required. If no space is made, it will lead to confusion and dysfunction in the relationship.

A new family is created, and the family has a new head of household, and if the newly married couple does not appropriately leave their parents, or, if the parents of the couple don’t allow them to leave biblically, problems will be everywhere.

So the point of leaving is to establish a new household, and for that to happen smoothly, there must be boundaries between the couple and the parents of the married couple.

Pitfall # 1 No boundaries. The father who still wants to be his daughter's authority, will create problems. The wife who still sees her father as her leader, rather than her husband, will create problems. The mother who still wants to be the only woman in her son’s life, will create problems. The son who complains about his wife to his mom - problems.

When the parents' opinions are so intrusive that it makes decisions within the marriage difficult to manage, there will be problems. When there is pressure from in-laws to act or look or spend or vacation or do holidays a certain way, if the man of the house does not lead well, and the woman of the house does not support her husband, there will be problems.

The Plan. Discuss what appropriate boundaries might look like in your marriage, particularly as it relates to your relationship with your in-laws. Have we really established our own household? How much pressure do we face to conform to our in-laws' expectations? Where are the pressure points? How can we address them with humble obedience?

I recently heard a story of a young man, newly married, and his father-in-law was pressuring him to change churches. Finally the young man said, with calm firmness, “My family is my responsibility before God. I take that seriously, and my decision is to continue attending the church we’ve chosen.” From that moment forward the father-in-law treated him differently, and sometimes, that kind of loving strength is required to biblical establish your household.

# 2 The Cleave Principle. “And hold fast to his wife.” The word “hold fast” here is a translation of the Greek prokollao, which is a strong word. It’s used to describe, as one Greek dictionary memorably put it, “a sword sticking in the hand of a valiant warrior with the blood of slain enemies.” If you’re going to battle, you hold fast to your sword. You don’t let go. It’s also used in Acts 5:36 describing a number of men who “joined” up with a leader ready to march with him to battle. The idea is valiant commitment in adversity.

A man is to hold fast, to cleave, to grip, to join with, to commit to, his wife. Having left parents, his wife is now his # 1 relationship. His relationships with his parents become peer-to-peer.

That means he takes full responsibility for his wife’s safety and well-being. That means his own wife’s opinions and concerns are the most important in his life. Not his parents. Not his friends. Not his boss. He is committed to his wife. This is where we get “till death do us part” from.

Elsewhere in Scripture this “holding fast” is called a covenant. It is a commitment before God and man to live together in holy matrimony. God intends for men to hold fast to their wives.

Pitfalls # 2, weak commitment. Now, just as the marriage will suffer if the couple doesn’t appropriately “leave” father and mother, so also the marriage will suffer if the couple doesn’t properly “cleave” or “hold fast” to one another. To cleave appropriately is to make a life-long commitment to the other person. It is to enter into a covenant before God with them.

No marriage should be entered into half-heartedly or nonchalantly, nor should it be thought of as something that can easily be broken if it becomes inconvenient. There are biblical grounds for divorce, we’ll get to those later in this series, but the idea of “hold fast” is the idea of commitment and covenant.

You should not treat your spouse as disposable. You should not threaten to leave. You should not use the word “divorce” as a bludgeon. Rather, you should regularly and consistently express your commitment to one another.

Pitfall # 3: Child-centeredness. The idea of “holding fast” is a word that connotes a permanent priority. Your spouse is the # 1 priority. Couples that have children sometimes get this wrong - they put their children in the center of the marriage.

It’s a common problem that a mother is more concerned about her children than her husband. It’s another problem when a husband is more concerned about being Mr. Fun with his children than loving his wife. It’s not good for the marriage, and it’s not good for the kids. There are some couples who never leave the house, never have alone time, never get a date, never sit and talk, all because their children are running the show and they no longer have any time for one another. The children begin to think life is all about them, while the parents are being dragged around by entitled children who have grown accustomed to their parents acting like butlers.

Parents - your children will be happier and more secure when they see that mom and dad are happily in love and committed to one another first, and then, that covenant commitment springs forth with love and stability for the whole family to enjoy.

Practice: Reaffirm your love and commitment to one another. Express your love out loud in words. And then, consider whether your life and plans and schedules are run by your children.

The third marriage principle: Weave. “And the two shall become one flesh.” “One flesh.” This points to a comprehensive partnership, which includes all of life, including sexual intimacy. The words “one flesh” in Hebrew literally are referring to one person. Jay Adams puts it this way: “The marriage union is the closest, most intimate of all human relationships. Two persons may begin to think, act, feel as one. They are able to so interpenetrate one another’s lives that they become one, a functioning unit.”

Consider the ways a married couple ought to weave their lives together in oneness. They share an intellectual partnership, thinking, learning, sharing, making decisions, discussing matters. They share an emotional connection: joys and sorrows are shared, grief and pain and life's ups and downs are shared. They should get to enjoy creation together: shared friendships, hobbies, recreational activities, vacations. They’re partners about their work - sharing burdens, trouble-shooting problems, working at home projects, rejoicing with one another’s success. They share a spiritual partnership: praying together, studying together, discussing life and doctrine together, serving the church together, ministering side by side, exhorting and encouraging, raising up children together, counseling other couples. And then, of course, their sexual intimacy, which God’s Word says is good and should be enjoyed regularly!

This is an expression of an intimate relationship, and couples weaving their lives together is God’s design.

Pitfall # 4 different lives. Different hobbies, different interests, different activities - and neither husband nor wife is willing to engage in the other’s interests. They have different dreams, different aspirations, different goals, sometimes different bank accounts. This is not God’s design.

Pitfall # 5 Poor communication. Maybe they’re doing the same thing, but their communication is so bad they don’t feel at all on the same page. Work on communication. Ladies, we men aren’t always good at this, so be patient. Men, work on sharing your thoughts, your work, your dreams with your wives. They want to know.

Concluding: Now as we begin to wrap things up, there’s a potential that feathers have been ruffled. A wife may be sitting here thinking, “I hope my husband’s listening to this, because he’s really been absent.” A husband may be thinking, “I hope my wife is paying attention, because we’ve really got to make some changes with the in-laws.” Now, the worst outcome of this would be to create more conflict than there needs to be.

If there are areas in your marriage that are not ordered according to these biblical categories of “leave,” “cleave,” and “weave,” here’s what I would recommend. First, humble yourself. If any problems in your marriage are going to be addressed with any success, self-righteous finger-pointing must go. Second, set aside a time to talk. Think through carefully what you want to say. Let someone here babysit your kids. Pray first, then talk through your concerns with your spouse. Resolve to listen and learn, no matter what. This is your marriage. We’ve put together a simple sheet with questions that can help guide you and your spouse through a maybe hard but good conversation. If you think that would be helpful, grab one.

Lastly, if you are having difficulty figuring out a solution to your problem, don’t fight, table the discussion, and call an older couple in the church and ask to meet up.

There is hope for your marriage. God invented marriage, and he is ready and willing to help his children with their marriages. In fact, I think he has a special interest in marriages.

Turn to Ephesians 5:31. Here, Paul quotes the same verse that Jesus quoted; Genesis 2:24. “‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” Why do we love marriage and want to emphasize their importance? Because marriage was designed by God to point to something greater than marriage. The greatest goal for your marriage, and every marriage, is to reveal Christ’s covenant love for his bride, the church. For many, the gospel is an abstract collection of ideas; marriage is meant to enflesh those concepts and make them visible.

Oh, you don’t know what sacrificial love is? Look at this husband. You don’t know what glad submission is, watch this wife. You don’t know what a relationship of love, trust, and joy looks like? Watch this couple.

Ultimately, marriage is not for personal fulfillment, satisfaction, or having our needs met. It is to reveal the glory of Jesus Christ. And that makes it worth fighting for.