Handling Disputes Properly, Connect
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Transcript
Today we are concluding our mini-series on Handling Disputes Properly. Today, we will be talking about helping those in Disputes, or conflicts, to Connect with the other person.
Just to recap where we have come from so far to keep the context in mind, we have been studying 1 Corinthians. The believers in Corinth had a lot going for them. As Paul described them in 1 Corinthians 1:1-9, they were sanctified in Christ Jesus, called to be his holy people, they were enriched in every way—with all kinds of speech and knowledge, they did not lack any spiritual gift, and God was going to keep them to the end and they would be blameless on the day of Jesus Christ.
However, practically speaking, at the time Paul wrote this letter, they had a lot of problems. They were full of pride and following the ways of the world to gain status and put others beneath them.
One way they did this was by handling Disputes improperly. They were taking other believers before the public court, in front of everyone to tear down their opponent and exalt themselves. They were not going to other believers to help them work things out. Instead of pursuing peace, they were pursuing self-promotion and destruction of those with whom they were in dispute.
After looking at Paul’s rebuke, and command for them to go to other believers to assist them in working out their disputes, we started studying what the scriptures say about helping others to handle disputes properly. What if someone here has a dispute or conflict with someone else? How would you and I help them to handle it properly, as Paul was saying should be happening?
Well, first, that is not an hypothetical situation. As we discussed weeks ago, we all have Tension in our lives. There are going to be disputes and conflicts. We need to learn to respond in God’s way. We need to learn how to help others respond in a godly way.
Story
The first step we discussed was Story. Everyone has a story, including the current situation, and all that goes into how they view and responded in the situation. We need to care for one another, bear one another’s burdens, and come alongside to encourage one another daily, because of the deceitfulness of sin. We need to get their story.
Ascend
Ascend
We also need to help the person to ascend in their thinking. Typically when in dispute, our minds are clouded. We do not think properly about the Lord, ourselves, or the other person. We saw how we can use scripture, personalize it, and pray it to allow the Spirit to renew our minds. We need to Ascend in our thinking to know God’s perspective and values.
Reflect
Reflect
We saw last week that we need to take time to examine ourselves. As Jesus said, we need to get the log out of our own eyes. We need to examine our hearts. However, we know from the scriptures that our hearts are deceitful. God alone sees our hearts as they are. So, we used Psalm 139, especially verses 23 and 24 to ask the Lord to examine our hearts. We saw how to use the scriptures, prayer and listening to the Lord to see our hearts: our motives, desires, anxious thoughts, and offensive ways.
Connect
Connect
Today, we are going to examine how to help the person with whom we are working to prepare to connect with the other person.
First, I want to mention, that there are some situations where special care needs to be taken. There are truly abusive situations, where it would be unsafe for the person to meet with the other alone. And even some situations where it would be unsafe to meet with them and another person.
However, in most conflicts, after taking time to know the person’s story, ascending in thinking and reflecting on our own hearts, it is time to follow Jesus’ instruction in Matthew 5:21-24.
“You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’
But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister, will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you,
leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.
The first part of what Jesus says is the warning we need to keep in mind as we Reflect. Then, Jesus command to go and be reconciled is what we are getting to with this Connect step.
Connect - go and be reconciled
Connect - go and be reconciled
Going and be reconciled is a big step, and it must be done properly.
If we go in pride, and just start into the other person and how they are wrong, it is not going to go well. If we are not careful in what we say and do, we will just rehash the arguments, and dig the rut deeper.
Tractor illustration.
So, how do we Connect well? How do we go about this so that we are being reconciled, and not digger in deeper?
Connect - Humility is Key
Connect - Humility is Key
Reconciliation cannot take place when we are filled with pride.
All of the steps leading up to this one were to show us our own hearts, in order to humble us.
When in conflict, pride keeps me thinking I am completely right, and the other person is completely wrong.
Reflecting and having the Lord reveal our hearts should humble us, and prepare us to connect in humility.
Connecting, we need to keep the mind of Christ, as Paul mentioned in Philippians 2.
In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!
Through this process of connecting, we need to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith! He showed us the way to in humility approach those with whom we are in dispute. He laid down his own concerns, and lived in consideration of us, while we were sinners. We need to fix our eyes on Jesus, and follow his example, and approach the other person in humility.
What does that look like?
Humble Invitation
Humble Invitation
Obeying Jesus, you reach out, not waiting for them to come to you. You reach out and invite them to talk. Take the initiative.
How? I have been thinking about what happened, and there are some things I did that were wrong. I did not honor Christ in how I acted. Can we sit down and talk?
That humble invitation let’s them know that you are not trying to get together to rehash, or to attack them all over again. It keeps the focus on you, and your part.
You can also ask if they would prefer to have someone else meet with you.
Another way to humbly invite would be to let them know that you need to understand their perspective on things. You want to listen. You want to incorporate James 1:19.
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,
It may take a few tries before the other person accepts the invitation. Remember, you are doing this for Christ.
Humble Meeting
Humble Meeting
When getting together to talk, remember that you are not seeking justice from the other person - correction for what they did. Rather, you are seeking God’s justice from you.
Keep in mind Jesus’ instructions: Matthew 5:38-41:
You are not getting together to give it to them. You are not going after justice from them. You are going to them humbly to give justice for the hurt you caused them. Remember the goal is to obey Jesus and be reconciled.
Humble Story
Humble Story
When getting together, pray together. Maybe use Philippians 2:3-4 to ask the Lord to keep you on track in hearing one another.
Share your story of how you were wrong in what you said, and how you acted. Remember the things the Lord revealed about your heart, motives, anxious thoughts, and offensive ways.
Share what the Lord revealed to you as you reflected. Ask if they were hurt by what you said and did?
Ask more questions about their perspective. I need to better understand you, and where you were coming from.
Ask, “Is there any other way in which I hurt you?”
Humble Ascension
Humble Ascension
Share some of the verses that the Lord used to help you think properly about yourself, and about them.
Confess incorrect thoughts you had of them, and the correct thoughts God is working in your heart.
Humble Reflection
Humble Reflection
Thank them for sharing with you, and ask if you may pray again. Use 1 John 1:9. Confess these things to God, again, in prayer with the other person, and include anything else that they shared with you.
Again, we need to remember that we are sinning against the Creator when we harm one of his creations.
Humble Connection
Humble Connection
After taking time to reflect and confess to the Lord, confess to the other person.
Humble Connection - Confession
Humble Connection - Confession
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
Confess your sins to the other person.
I admit that I...
I hurt you when...
I understand the consequences of my actions...
Next time, I will...
It is best to prepare as much of this as you can before you go to the other person.
Be sure to do this properly, and humbly.
Pride will say, “I’m sorry you were hurt.” Putting it on the other person.
Pride will say, “I’m sorry if you were hurt.” This doesn’t acknowledge that you really did anything wrong. It was, again, the other person’s problem, if there was a problem.
Pride will say, “I’m sorry I hurt you, but… if you… or if...” Pride will justify its own actions.
Avoid pride. In humility, confess.
Humble Connection - Forgiveness
Humble Connection - Forgiveness
Ask the other person to forgive you.
And be ready to forgive the other person.
What is forgiveness?
Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back.
“I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.
I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you.”
as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.
The other person may not be ready to acknowledge what they did wrong. They may not ask forgiveness.
What do you do?
Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.
On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Humble Follow-up - One another
Humble Follow-up - One another
Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.
You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.
so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other.
Therefore encourage one another with these words.
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.
Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices
But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds,
Humble Connection
Humble Connection