Why Don't Kids Listen to Me?

Deuteronomy 21:18–21 ESV

“If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and, though they discipline him, will not listen to them, then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gate of the place where he lives, and they shall say to the elders of his city, ‘This our son is stubborn and rebellious; he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.’ Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones. So you shall purge the evil from your midst, and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

Zechariah 1:1–17 ESV

In the eighth month, in the second year of Darius, the word of the Lord came to the prophet Zechariah, the son of Berechiah, son of Iddo, saying, “The Lord was very angry with your fathers. Therefore say to them, Thus declares the Lord of hosts: Return to me, says the Lord of hosts, and I will return to you, says the Lord of hosts. Do not be like your fathers, to whom the former prophets cried out, ‘Thus says the Lord of hosts, Return from your evil ways and from your evil deeds.’ But they did not hear or pay attention to me, declares the Lord. Your fathers, where are they? And the prophets, do they live forever? But my words and my statutes, which I commanded my servants the prophets, did they not overtake your fathers? So they repented and said, ‘As the Lord of hosts purposed to deal with us for our ways and deeds, so has he dealt with us.’ ” On the twenty-fourth day of the eleventh month, which is the month of Shebat, in the second year of Darius, the word of the Lord came to the prophet Zechariah, the son of Berechiah, son of Iddo, saying, “I saw in the night, and behold, a man riding on a red horse! He was standing among the myrtle trees in the glen, and behind him were red, sorrel, and white horses. Then I said, ‘What are these, my lord?’ The angel who talked with me said to me, ‘I will show you what they are.’ So the man who was standing among the myrtle trees answered, ‘These are they whom the Lord has sent to patrol the earth.’ And they answered the angel of the Lord who was standing among the myrtle trees, and said, ‘We have patrolled the earth, and behold, all the earth remains at rest.’ Then the angel of the Lord said, ‘O Lord of hosts, how long will you have no mercy on Jerusalem and the cities of Judah, against which you have been angry these seventy years?’ And the Lord answered gracious and comforting words to the angel who talked with me. So the angel who talked with me said to me, ‘Cry out, Thus says the Lord of hosts: I am exceedingly jealous for Jerusalem and for Zion. And I am exceedingly angry with the nations that are at ease; for while I was angry but a little, they furthered the disaster. Therefore, thus says the Lord, I have returned to Jerusalem with mercy; my house shall be built in it, declares the Lord of hosts, and the measuring line shall be stretched out over Jerusalem. Cry out again, Thus says the Lord of hosts: My cities shall again overflow with prosperity, and the Lord will again comfort Zion and again choose Jerusalem.’ ”

Ephesians 6:1–4 ESV

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Scripture: Deuteronomy 21:18-21; Zechariah 1:1-17; Ephesians 6:1-4

Sermon Title: Why Don’t Kids Listen to Me?

           As I looked back in my files this week, I realized I last preached on the topic of parenting last Mother’s Day. I don’t always do this, but it just so happened that we’re on a similar topic. Our sermon title is “Why Don’t Kids Listen to Me?” I’ve been on both sides of that question. I’ve said enough before about my past. I wasn’t extraordinarily delinquent or rebellious, but I did enough to be a thorn to my parents. I hid certain things from them, lied to them, did plenty of backtalking and ignoring. As I look back on my younger years, there’s not something particular that I can think of— if my parents had said this or done this to me, it would have solved all my problem behaviors.

Now, as a dad, I quite obviously don’t hold the magic words to say that get my kids to be perfect. I know I don’t have the perfect fatherly demeanor. There are many times when I can be too short, too impatient, too absorbed in other things. So, there are times when I confess to them, my wife, and to God my shortcomings and ask forgiveness. With that should come change.

It’s important as Christian young people, older people, children, grandchildren, and parents to be reminded of what God has said in his Word and the patterns that developed and commands that were given. But this message isn’t just for those of us who are kids or who have kids. We can also look at different generations and age groups, and find different values, behaviors, and acceptances of things—though it’s not always true of everyone in that group. Historically, in a variety of cultures, when elders speak, youth are supposed to and expected to listen and heed. Even when the elders might be wrong, they’re at least to be heard and their words considered rather than simply shut out or ignored as foolish. What happens when that’s not the case? Why is that not the case? What should be done to get them to listen?

Brothers and sisters in Christ, as Christie and I eagerly await the arrival of our new daughter, I’ve wondered what her temperament will be like. Will she be quiet and reserved? When Addy, my daughter, was a baby, people regularly offered to babysit so we could go out, but we didn’t often take them up on that because she was so quiet and peaceful. But then Brooks, my son, came along—honestly, he wasn’t much trouble either as an infant. His demeanor now, though, does differ from his sister’s—he is more rambunctious, he has endless energy, he is destructive at times, and we have to figure out ways to channel his energy and make his actions constructive. I’ve wondered will this daughter be like either of them or completely different?

As we go throughout our lives, each of us goes through changes. Most people follow a normal development, not only will they grow according to various rates physically, but we also develop cognitively, socially, emotionally. Understanding right and wrong, what it means to experience and cause pain, figuring out emotions, reactions, all that kind of stuff isn’t fully all there when a baby comes into the world. It has to be taught, and they need to be nurtured. Yet to mature is not the same thing as to age. If not taught well, you’re more likely to end up with some amount of dysfunction—such a young person or adult may act in less socially acceptable ways.    

           However, whether it’s because of psychologists, researchers, or just common experience, we end up with socially accepted behaviors that aren’t always nice or good, but they’re just part of life. The terrible twos, which may start before a child is two years old and can last long after, is when a child begins to figure things out and do what they want without regard for others. They may not grasp cause and effect or consequences. Maybe you’ve heard of the “three-nager”—when a three-year-old acts at least ten years older than what they actually are. With the recognition of an adolescent stage, the “rebellious teenager” has become a socially acceptable part of growing up. They need to make mistakes, have fun, act dumb, before they’re adults and get to real world responsibilities, but when should those stages be finished? When aren’t kids really kids anymore?

           By no means do I have all the answers, but let’s begin this morning by asking the question: Is there room for making mistakes and acting bad, if you’re a Christian young person or trying to raise a child in the faith? I don’t want to get too far into the topic of infant baptism because we’re going to be looking at that in several weeks, but when we baptize infants or children in our tradition, part of that sacrament involves recognizing them as part of the covenant community. That doesn’t guarantee they will believe in God, the water doesn’t give salvation, but Lord-willing we hope they’ll believe. Part of the sacrament, though, is vows—we, together as a body of believers, covenant, we promise, to do our part to support the nurturing of these children. That’s not all our celebration is about, but it is an essential piece.

           I bring that up because when children do misbehave, when they do tire their parents out, when they get into trouble or are having a hard time, they should be surrounded by supporters who love them and who want what’s good and best for them. There’s a place for tough love in our homes and our congregations, but that shouldn’t be the first step.

Hopefully, you’re hearing part of the answer to this question—is there room for mistakes—yes, there is. We are born with a sinful nature; we have a tendency toward sin. We are not born perfect and “let’s see how things go”—no, children will make mistakes. They will act bad or naughty. They need correction, discipline, help; they need love. There are undoubtedly more obedient or well-behaved children than others, ones that figure out what is good and right quicker than some. Sometimes that’s a credit to the parents and people around them, but there can be plenty of other factors that affect the moral compass and choices of children.

           Our concept of good and right behavior, though, of obeying parents, obeying God, listening to authority, is driven by God’s Word. We shouldn’t expect or demand obedience simply because it’s more pleasing to parents. In Ephesians 6 verses 1 and 2, we heard the fifth of the Ten Commandments along with the New Testament continuing of that, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’…” That that is commanded by God, that those words need to be said, is a testament that we don’t naturally do this. Parents, particularly fathers, also need a command to draw us from sin that it’s easy for us to fall into, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” When our children don’t act as we want, our sinful nature invites us to berate them, to tear them down, to be very angry and without mercy. Yet we are to show mercy—in part, because our kids are human and learning and imperfect, like us, but also, in part, because God shows us mercy, which we should imitate.

Perhaps you wonder what the difference between obedience and honor is. John Calvin gives this explanation in his commentary: “…Obedience is the evidence of that honour which children owe to their parents, and is therefore more earnestly enforced…The precept, honour thy father and mother, comprehends all the duties by which the sincere affection and respect of children to their parents can be expressed.” So, kids are supposed to show affection and respect to their parents. They are children, the parents have been entrusted with them, to guide them, to bring them up. There is a proper relationship that they are not equals, but there should be love both ways.

           Where all of this leads is hopefully an understanding that there is and there should be grace for the misbehaving child, teenager, young adult, or even adult. Yet, as we heard in Deuteronomy 21, there’s a point when rebelliousness should not be tolerated, when grace without punishment or consequence should run out. An evil and wicked person who does not change is not helpful to have around—that’s not a decision to be made quickly or rashly or by any one or two people; but that passage helps us to see the extension of grace should be accompanied by change in the person behaving badly. There is room for mistakes and bad behavior among Christian young people, but it should not be the norm. We must be teaching them and calling them to grow, to mature, to live out their faith, be obedient to God and parents. Those of us guiding them must also be careful that we are not being abusive in our correction or uncaring or obviously hypocritical in our leading.

           Let’s move on to our second point now—to try and answer the question: What is going on in our world? What I mean by “the world” is what’s happening around us, in our towns, our schools, our churches, families, et cetera. It’s not necessarily that every person in every part of the globe is experiencing the same thing. What are we experiencing and why?

Over the last century or so, there have been major advances in technology and industry, which some of you have seen an incredible amount of change with in your lifetime. Yet those aren’t the only changes. Many traditional churches, like ours, have declined in numbers—part of that is people going elsewhere, but a good chunk is that younger people have left or have much less to do with the institutional church. Over the last seventy years, we’ve seen protests in the form of the civil rights’ movement, around wars and, more recently now, around law enforcement, politics, social issues. Some of those may feel more credible than others, but we recognize this continually growing distrust toward and desire to decrease involvement in these institutions for many people. Along with all that we’ve seen significant changes when it comes to not just tolerance of, but affirmation and legitimizing sexual orientations and gender expressions beyond heterosexual relationships and what’s often referred to as binary—male and female.

           I just started reading a book that’s been recommended by a number of pastors around me, “The Rise and Triumph of the Modern Self,” by theologian Carl Trueman. It’s a dense read and a thick book, but it’s incredibly eye-opening. Trueman is processing the ongoing cultural changes with recent philosophical contributions. This is one of his summary conclusions: “…The basic thrust of much modern thinking serves to shatter the idea of the individual as one whose best interests are served by being educated to conform to the canons and protocols of society. And that is the intellectual foundation for the first reversal, whereby therapy ceases to serve the purpose of socializing an individual. Instead, it seeks to protect the individual from the kind of harmful neuroses that society itself creates through its smothering of the individual’s ability simply to be herself…In the worlds of political, religious, and economic man, commitment was outwardly directed to those communal beliefs, practices, and institutions that were bigger than the individual and in which the individual, to the degree that he or she conformed to or cooperated with them, found meaning…In the world of psychological man, [what’s going on today], the commitment is first and foremost to the self and is inwardly directed. Thus, the order is reversed. Outward institutions become in effect the servants of the individual and her sense of inner well-being.

…Institutions cease to be places for the formation of individuals via their schooling in the various practices and disciplines that allow them to take their place in society. Instead, they become platforms for performance, where individuals are allowed to be their authentic selves precisely because they are able to give expression to who they are ‘inside.’”

I know that’s quite a lengthy excerpt, but I think he’s right on for answering the question, What is going on in the world? Whoever you feel you are, think you are, want to be, you are allowed to be and do whatever it takes. For now, certain things are still off-limits, socially unacceptable, but that could change—acceptability is simply determined by what enough people are okay with or whoever is most passionate.

Notice, the authority has shifted to being all about us and what is within and what we think. The Bible or “my” church or denomination; what people and medical doctors have observed about the body and not disconnected from identity or spirit; what law makers, law enforcers, law judges decide and do—if those things aren’t following the will of the people, then shut them down. Whether or not we study philosophy and perfectly understand all this talk of political, religious, economic or psychological man—we see what Trueman and others are talking about. What many of us were likely taught growing up, “Observe and trust authority”—and yes, maybe we rebelled, but eventually we “matured” to a point of joining society with its institutions, norms, and authority.

What’s going on in the world is the growth of a mindset that all of life is subjective to us. We may want to simplify this all and just say whatever is disobedient to God and the commands in his Word, whatever is against his intents and purposes, it’s just sin, which needs to be repented of and turned from. I know I’m prone to think that way. While that may not be wrong, it doesn’t necessarily open doors to speak to people who are thinking and living this way.

The world around us is filled with people who have bought into all this or who are leaning this direction—who have said we can each have our own truth as long as we’re not harming or prohibiting each other. If we’re going to make headway with spiritual conversations and returning to God’s Word, obviously we need the Holy Spirit to begin and guide that work, but it’s beneficial to acknowledge the emphasis we might place on church involvement, worship participation, faith, and obedience—submission to God’s commands, worshiping him as the almighty God who is sovereign—many of these things which many of us hold dear—are not natural for this mindset.

So, what do we do? I’ve given you all this information that I hope hasn’t gone over our heads or been too confusing. Where do parents, grandparents, teachers, and friends of young people root themselves and what can we encourage? Things do start with us. We must teach and train our children to understand the priority of God’s word, its relevance for our lives, its enduring nature as God’s word for his people. We can try and protect them, to shield them from things that are happening in the world, to guard them from the worldview that encourages them to be whatever they feel like or want to do. But keeping out is not enough. We must intentionally disciple them and instruct them in the way they should go. To guide our children in the Christian faith and the Bible is not to brainwash them; it’s to give them the most precious gift we can.

We need to teach our kids, our young, to be patient with us. Turning again to Calvin in his commentary on Ephesians 6, he writes, “It is not the will of God that parents, in the exercise of kindness, shall spare and corrupt their children. Let their conduct towards their children be at once mild and considerate, so as to guide them in the fear of the Lord, and correct them also when they go astray. That age is so apt to become wanton, that it requires frequent admonition and restraint.” We are to have our kids’ best interests in mind, whether they understand it now or not. Our rules and ways might be different from their friends—and that’s okay. As parents, this is our role.

We must be willing to love and work through the failings and sins of our children and help them to understand that those of us in the parental or authoritative role do still make mistakes. We fall short and sin ourselves. Question and Answer 104 of the Heidelberg Catechism, looking at the fifth commandment, deals with this beautifully. “What is God’s will? That I honor, love, and be loyal to my father and mother and all those in authority over me; that I submit myself with proper obedience to all their good teaching and discipline; and also, that I be patient with their failings—for through them God chooses to rule us.”

           The other thing we can do, though, is remain hopeful about our children, about the future, as hard as that may be. This is why we read from Zechariah 1. So often, I find myself, and I know many of us do it, we look back to the past as the best time, the glory days. It’s easy to look at our world, our culture, and lament how things are going downhill and in decline. That’s not to say we can’t learn from the past or that we shouldn’t lament good things that have been lost. The past is not always the best, though.

The future is not always without hope. The word of the LORD given to Zechariah included this in verses 2 through 4 and 14 to 17, “‘The LORD was very angry with your forefathers. Therefore tell the people…“Return to me…and I will return to you,” says the LORD Almighty. Do not be like your forefathers, to whom the earlier prophets proclaimed…But they would not listen or pay attention to me.’” “Then the angel who was speaking to me said, ‘…This is what the LORD says: “I will return to Jerusalem with mercy, and there my house will be rebuilt. And the measuring line will be stretched out over Jerusalem…My towns will again overflow with prosperity, and the LORD will again comfort Zion and choose Jerusalem.”’”

As God’s people came out of captivity for their sins of rebellion and idolatry and injustice, God set before them that they were not to be like the past; be better than them! Do not do as your forefathers did, but return to the Lord. Even though they were dealing with the curse of being part of a disobedient people, God promised he would return to them and bless them and choose them.

           While I can’t guarantee that we will experience that exact kind of blessing in this mortal life and world, we can hope that God would have this kind of grace and mercy in our homes, our families, our generation, our churches, our communities if we will return to him. There is hope, even if not for this, then for the next, if we listen to and obey him—part of which involves honoring and obeying our parents. No matter what the present holds, even when we’re sick and tired of giving chance after chance, when we feel disconnected from culture, there is hope for change, for growth, for maturing. There is hope in turning to the Lord in repentance and faith—returning to what is good and right and true. Brothers and sisters, let us not give up on holding this truth among believers but continuing to share it with a changing world. Amen.