Forgiving One Another (2)

Let’s read our theme verse together that Jesus said about us:

John 13:34–35 NIV

34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

I want you to think of how weird being a part of a church community or a church family is.

One Biblical scholar says this: “the church itself is not made up of natural friends. It is made up of natural enemies.”

“What binds us together is not common education, common race, common income levels, common politics, common nationality, common accents, common jobs, or anything else of that sort. Christians come together not because they form a natural collocation, but because they have all been saved by Jesus Christ and owe him a common allegiance. In this light we are a band of natural enemies who love one another for Jesus’ sake.”

Think of whom you normally choose to hang out with in your life.

some of it may be family—relatives. blood unites you.

but most of us if we have free time, choose to hang out with people like us. similar life stage and age. because “old people are weird” or “young people are weird.”

similar education possibly.

similar political views. b/c if you hang out with the other, it’s explosive.

similar interests or hobbies—we like the same football team, so let’s get together and watch it.

but not the church. What unites us is Jesus and His blood that makes us right with a holy God, and all regardless of background, education, politics, become part of this family purely by trusting in Jesus Christ.

In the church, Jesus has brought a bunch of incompatible people together—no wonder we fight.

but when we love one another—despite all of our differences b/c of our common bond in Jesus Christ—the world knows there’s something different about us.

We are in on our one another-ing series.

this is #3—and we are looking at perhaps one of the most challenging one anothers in Scripture to live out the one anothers.

Ephesians 4:31–32 NIV

31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Colossians 3:12–14 NIV

12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Forgiving one another.

Healthy marriages forgive one another

healthy families forgive one another

healthy workplaces forgive one another

and it’s so true of church families.

healthy, God-honoring church families forgive one another constantly.

all the time.

Matthew 18:21–22 NIV

21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

or some say 70 times 7—which is a way of saying always!

The Bible’s words are challenging on forgiveness...

Matthew 5:23–24 NIV

23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

so if someone has something against you—you perceive something is off—whose responsibility is it to go to them?

most of us would normally think—it is their responsibility.

“They hurt me. They must go to me.”

But that’s not what the Bible says—you go to them.

Now technically, this is getting at another category—reconciliation.

When you and I forgive others, that is something that takes place first and foremost in the heart—between you and God.

but then another step—would be to go to that person, and try to meet, talk it out, and forgive each other, reconcile in person.

look at this challenging verse:

Mark 11:25 NIV

25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

If you hold anything against anyone, forgive them...

so if you combine Mark 11:25 and Matthew 5:23-24—forgiveness—whether you hold something against someone else, or they hold something against you...

Forgiveness is always your move.

You and I are always called to initiate it; to not be passive.

and there is a tremendous cost to not forgiving:

physical side affects; exhaustion; tension; stress; anxiety. headaches, back problems; it can weaken your immune system; lose sleep

isolation — socially…if we are hurting in one area—it can often cause us to just isolate and pull back from all people.

mental and emotional issues; distraction. whenever we are looking backward, we cannot be looking forward.

and the biggest cost is spiritual...

and it says so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins

Matthew 6:14–15 NIV

14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

aye, aye yeah!!

b/c it’s one thing to forgive for a minor offense.

but what about major?

what about the person here whose spouse cheated on them?

what about the person here who was abused as a child?

what about the victim of a crime or domestic violence? what then?

how do we forgive as God in Christ forgave us—which is generously, graciously, amazingly, no matter what we have done—almost unconditionally...

One of my Christian mentors in the faith—has helped me understand forgiveness. (and if this sounds familiar, it’s b/c I talked about it around Easter time in the spring)

Misconceptions about Forgiveness

1. Forgiveness is not denying or minimizing the pain.

and certainly we are called to overlook offenses. The Bible calls us to...

but what happens when there are major offenses. or repeated offenses. or abuse, manipulation, lies.

no we acknowledge that there is real pain; real hurt; real frustration (don’t stuff it or deny it—it’s a problem)

2. Forgiveness is not letting them off the hook.

and my mentor said this is one of the main reasons we struggle to forgive. b/c deep down we know this must be addressed. that person or my actions must be held accountable. not for vengeance but for justice. (BTW—this is why a God who has wrath against sin and injustice is what we want!)

remember—God is always the most offended party in our sin.

so when someone hurts you—God is always most offended.

so forgiveness really is letting them off your hook and putting them on God’s hook.

3. Forgiveness does not equal blind trust again.

for instance if you as a parent find drugs in your son or daughter’s room…your child confesses, repents; you address and make right the issue—and you forgive—but you don’t have to trust yet—there will be consequences—open door policy, more accountability.

Forgiveness is granted, but trust must be earned over time.

4. Forgiveness does not require immediate restoration or reconciliation with the other person.

and this is the difference between forgiveness...

and reconciliation...

Dave DeSelm— “It takes one sinner to repent, and it takes one victim to forgive, but it takes both parties to reconcile.”

Forgiveness certainly can leads us to reconciliation.

God always calls us to forgive in our hearts—always...

and He calls us to attempt reconciliation—but reconciling doesn’t just depend on you-it depends on the other party, too.

Romans 12:18 says it like this

Romans 12:18NIV

18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

5. Forgiveness does not equal forgetting.

you hear that a lot but that is not reality.

in fact—we say God forgives and forgets—but I don’t think that’s true.

Instead, he helps you not to hold that sin against them. b/c God does not hold our sin against us anymore if we confess it to him.

What it is

so what is forgiveness:

1. a choice, a decision — we forgive as an act of obedience (not just based on feeling). (Tim Keller — forgiveness is practiced before it it is felt, not felt before it is practiced)

2. it is choosing not to hold someone’s sin against them anymore.

a. we let it go

b. this is ongoing, a process

c. every time that memory and hurt comes up—we choose not to hold that sin against them.

d. we choose not to make them pay for it.

e. we absorb the debt.

3. forgiveness is absorbing the debt of someone else;

a. they owe you

b. and it is a refusal to make them pay but absorb the debt

b/c whenever some wrongs you—they owe you—it could be literal, financial, material—but often is it much deeper—your reputation, your relationship. to forgive is to deny revenge. it is always costly—b/c you are absorbing the debt when everything inside you wants to make them pay.

4. forgiveness is putting ultimate justice in God’s hands.

a. taking them off your hook and putting them on God’s hook

b. this doesn’t mean there will be earthly consequences—often there are. They may have to make financial restitution, punishment, just and fair punishments.

The Practical Act to Forgive

so how do we forgive?

1. Ask God to bring to mind the people you need to forgive. Make a list. Be specific.

a. make a list of how you are offended and betrayed. think of the actions they did to you or against you; failed to do; words they had; attitudes they had; patterns.

b. make that list—that’s an emotional list

2. Ask God for help to pour our your emotions.

a. “God I was angry when this happened.”

b. “God I felt hurt when this happened. I am grieving.”

c. “God I am resenting and bitter b/c of this.”

3. Go through that list you made and pray through it. “Father, I choose to forgive _________ for what they did or failed to do when they made me feel (rejected, inferior, defeated.)

and if this is hard—which it will be—the more grievous the offense—the harder this will be...

4. We need to embrace the supernatural power of the Gospel to forgive

b/c you and I cannot do this.

We can’t.

We cannot do this on our own.

Forgiveness is always supernatural.

It requires help from the outside—and guess what—we have it.

This is the good news!

because Ephesians 4:32 and Colossians 3:13 says to forgave as the Lord forgave you.

This is not merely our example…but our power.

b/c think of the Gospel—the good news of Jesus Christ.

Part of the Gospel is that all of us are sinners. All of us have turned away from God and are selfish. All of us need rescuing-deep in our souls.

and if you remember this bad news of the Gospel—that all of us have turned our backs on our Creator God and King—despite how much He loves us--

first of all, that will humble you.

when you have an issue with someone else—instead of viewing them way beneathe you—you recognize—I am part of the problem too. I am a sinner too. They are not beneathe me—we are on the same playing field.

but then the Gospel also frees you and melts your heart..

because think of the bitterness and malice and rage you are having toward the person you can’t forgive…think of that…what if God had that same attitude towards you right now?

Think of what you and I want to do someone who hurt or at the very least what we hope happens to them—we want to pay them back or we hope we get what they deserve...

but if God gave you and I what we really deserve. Where would be? but lost, and on a path to eternity in hell away from God’s life giving presence?

but no—while we were God’s enemies, Christ died for us. Christ died for us!

He took the punishment we deserve!

He did it for me—and the person I hate and have bitterness towards.

on the cross, Jesus was hanging there—and he said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

Ernest Gordon Tells a story in Miracle On The River Kwai about Scottish soldiers in WWII, forced by their Japanese captors to labor on a jungle railroad. Under the strain of captivity they had degenerated to barbarous behavior -- every man for himself, but one afternoon something happened.

"A shovel was missing. The officer in charge became enraged. He demanded that the missing shovel be produced, or else. When nobody in the squadron budged, the officer got his gun and threatened to kill them all on the spot . . . It was obvious the officer meant what he had said. Then, finally, one man stepped forward (and admitted, I took it). The officer put away his gun, picked up a shovel, and beat the man to death right there. When it was over, the survivors picked up the bloody corpse and carried it with them to the second tool check. This time, no shovel was missing. Indeed, there had been a miscount at the first check point.

"The word spread like wildfire through the whole camp. An innocent man had been willing to die to save the others! . . . The incident had a profound effect. . . The men began to treat each other like brothers.

"When the victorious Allies swept in, the survivors, human skeletons, lined up in front of their captors who had tortured them . . (and instead of attacking their captors) insisted: 'No more hatred. No more killing. Now what we need is forgiveness.'" Sacrificial love has transforming power.

When you understand and experience God’s sacrificial love for you in Jesus on the cross, you will have this mighty, inner power to forgive--from God himself.

Forgiveness is supernatural

We are living in a day and age—an age of outrage as one author says it.

an age of justice

We constantly look for offense—and when we see it—blow the whistle…and some of that is not bad…God hates injustice.

but—our age does not know how to forgive, be reconciled, and heal...

we get outraged, might even find some source of justice, but we are never healed.

We as Christians can actually show the world a path to true justice and healing.

b/c we have a God who punishes the guilty, we will stand before the judgment seat of Christ, and a God who forgives.

In the cross, God satisfies both justice and love. “God was so just and desirous to judge sin that Jesus had to die, but he was so loving and desirous of our salvation that Jesus was glad to die.”

God is both just and loving. Just and forgiving.

The Gospel enables us to forgive.

All right response time--

paper and pencil

everyone grab one

Ask God to bring to mind the people you need to forgive. Make a list. Be specific.

a. make a list of how you are offended and betrayed. think of the actions they did to you or against you; failed to do; words they had; attitudes they had; patterns.

b. make that list—that’s an emotional list

c. feel free to use code language...

2. Ask God for help to pour our your emotions.

a. “God I was angry when this happened.”

b. “God I felt hurt when this happened. I am grieving.”

c. “God I am resenting and bitter b/c of this.”

3. Go through that list you made and pray through it. “Father, I choose to forgive _________ for what they did or failed to do when they made me feel (rejected, inferior, defeated.)

4. embrace the Gospel...

and if this is hard—which it will be—the more grievous the offense—the harder this will be...

—Civil Rights movement

—South Africa

—The Holocaust

Tim Keller article “The Fading of Forgiveness”

“we have from three people—people representing groups who were egregiously oppressed in the twentieth century—ringing, insistent calls to forgive. Those three people are Hannah Arendt, Martin Luther King Jr., and Desmond Tutu.

Tutu, speaking as a black South African who grew up under the horror of apartheid, insists that “without forgiveness there is no future.” He rejected the Nuremburg Trials model of dealing with war crimes and instead made the case for his Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa, which offered amnesty and forgiveness for any perpetrators of violence who would come forward and publicly confess the full truth of what they had done. He argued that the alternative to forgiveness in South Africa would have been the cycle of violence we saw in the Balkans after the breakup of Yugoslavia.

Arendt, a Jewish political philosopher writing after the Holocaust, said,

Without being forgiven, released from the consequences of what we have done, our capacity to act would, as it were, be confined to one single deed from which we could never recover; we would remain the victims of its consequences forever, not unlike the sorcerer’s apprentice who lacked the magic formula to break the spell.

And Martin Luther King wrote, “He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power of love. . . .We can never say, ‘I will forgive you, but I won’t have anything further to do with you.’ Forgiveness means reconciliation, and coming together again.” Each of these thinkers offers compelling reasons that to be a healthy society—one in which broken relationships can be regenerated—we must learn and value forgiveness.

The world will know that we are his disciples if we love one another.

**also, if the wound is very deep and the hurt is very deep…remember this is a process. you also may need a mentor, counselor, pastor, or friend to pray with you and walk with you along the path of forgiveness, and I would invite you to reach out if you need help.

***now I did not talk about reconciliation today—but if you forgive them from your heart—you will be in a much better position to truly forgive them and reconcile in person.

**if you could actually look at someone—not ignore, silent, or freeze them out…still talk to them, even though it’s painful

**if you could say “I am sorry...” even though you may not agree..that goes a long way.

**if you could be more of a team player...”

**if you could learn to forgive—oh that would make a huge difference.”

you are a talented leader, so talented, perhaps the most talented, driven person I’ve seen. You long to make a difference, and you have. You are doing amazing things for the kingdom of God.

but you are intimidating, you can be a bulldozer, and you have a hard time getting over something if someone disagrees with you or challenges you.

—insecure??

What would bring healing to your soul?