Conflict @ United

Conflict and Confrontations

Recap: Biblical manhood and womanhood

Testimony of a God-honoring relationship

This week we are going to talk about something that every deep relationship has - conflict

Let me say right out of the gate, conflict is not necessarily a bad thing.

It’s how you handle conflict that determines it’s outcome

Every relationship that has any sort of depth to it is going to have conflict

Mom and dad conflict

Sibiling conflict

Teacher conflict

Friends conflict

Church people conflict

Future spouse

So it’s important that we understand that conflict is coming and how to deal with it appropriately so that God may be glorified through it

Flow:

What are some things that cause conflicts?

misunderstandings

insecurity

pride

envy

rivalry

A LOT OF THINGS!

What are our available responses to conflict?

We can avoid it

We can handle it badly (fighting or freezing)

We can handle it wisely

Those are our 3 options

Now what does Scripture say about conflict?

Let’s start with what Scripture says causes conflict

James 4:1–2 NIV

1 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.

So here is the reality, conflict comes from within.

who likes star wars?

When we begin to follow Jesus we have working inside of something like a dark side and a light side

We have our sinful nature at work fighting against the righteousness of God

Paul paints a pretty clear picture of this in Romans

Romans 7:15–24 NIV

15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. 21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?

You know what Paul is describing here?

Conflict!

Conflict begins inwardly.

We are, or at least should be, fighting against our sinful nature that is at war with the Spirit of God placed inside of us.

We must realize this conflict first before we ever attempt to Biblically conflict with someone else

Matthew 7:3–5 NIV

3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

This verse doesn’t say don’t ever try to remove the speck from your brother’s eye it just says you need to first remove the plank from your own

We must be careful that we aren’t walking around ready to condemn and conflict with anyone and everyone without the realization that there is a conflict in our own heart

Now why is this important? Why am I telling you this?

Because you needed a grace that far exceeds any grace you will be asked to give

Your heart was at conflict with God

But when we have conflict here on earth it’s two imperfect people conflicting

You and I were at conflict with a perfect God

That means that you and I did not deserve grace and yet, it was extended to us

So, as believers, when dealing with conflict, we should be people of great grace because we understand the grace given to us

And the more we understand God’s grace given to us the more we should be willing to extend that grace to others

Biblical conflict is grace driven

Practical application

Now, how do we do this practically?

Say you have something come up with a friend, a parent, a teacher....how do you walk through that conflict in a way that is going to honor God and get the best results

#1 Learn to see a conflict coming, in yourself and in others

Can’t you just sense when mom and dad aren’t in a good mood. I used to know when a good time to ask my parents for something was.

We need to learn to see conflict coming so that we may ready ourselves for it

Spontaneous conflict may be the most dangerous kind, so the more we are able to see it coming the better we will be able to navigate through it

Pray over foreseeable conflict

#2 Learn your tendencies under tension

No matter how you feel and handle conflict, it often gets tense

Learn how to respond, not react.

A response is something that is thought through. It’s the ability to take all things in consideration and make the proper next step to resolve the issue

A reaction is a response without thought

We want to be wise and use the wisdom that God has given us to deal with conflict the best way possible

Proverbs 15:1–2 NIV

1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. 2 The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.

It’s easy to react harshly and foolishly

It’s difficult to respond with gentleness and wisdom but look at the results

One who does that will turn away wrath/anger and one who responds with a tongue of wisdom loves knowledge.

You can actually learn through conflict when you are responding and not reacting and Scripture would say that that’s what a wise person does.

And this isn’t necessarily a matter on the time it takes you to respond

It’s not as if every time conflict arises you need to wait a few days before you respond

Sometimes conflict needs an immediate response

So it’s important that we are always seeking wisdom, God’s word, and unity

With that said, not all conflict needs an immediate response.

Sometimes its ok to say “Can you give me a little time to process and think about this and I’ll get back to you.”

We can often do a lot of damage when we speak to something we know little to nothing about

And we can often do a lot of damage when we speak to something when emotions are high

Ambrose Bierce - speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret

#3 create a conversation that everyone feels safe in

How do we do this?

Well, we don’t cut people off. We listen to learn from their perspective.

We don’t shoot people down. We don’t talk poorly about their perspective or look down on them for thinking the way they think or feeling the way they feel

The more we do this the more people will feel free to speak to you, the better you will get to know them, and the better your relationship will be because of it

We encourage, we ask questions, and we avoid absolutes when possible.

We say things like, “thank you for being open and honest with me, I really appreciate that.”

We ask questions to bring clarity, show that we are really listening, and encourage more dialogue

And then we avoid saying things like always and never whenever is possible

#4 Then find common ground

Not every conflict will end with both parties feeling completely satisfied. In fact, it rarely does.

So it’s important for everyone involved to find some common ground.

It’s a way to say, listen we don’t agree on all things but here is something we do agree on.

It’s a way to show unity

It’s saying we disagree on this but that does not make us enemies

You are going to disagree with people and if we want to make an enemy out of the people we disagree with then everyone will end up being your enemy

So we must do a good job of being open and honest about what we might disagree on but also finding common ground with that person

#5 Lastly, focus on solutions, not being right or winning

The goal of conflict should be to find a solution

The goal shouldn’t be: I’m gonna prove to them that I’m right and I’m not going to stop until they see that I am.

It should not be: I’m gonna show them how smart I am or how much I know or how much better I am

Our goal should be to find the best solution possible

Now there is conflict and then there is confrontation

Conflict is usually a disagreement and often spontaneous

Confrontation is usually happens when someone doesn’t act the way they should

Confrontation is to hold someone accountable

with the goal being to find a solution and the relationship benefitting from it

Matthew 18:15–17 NIV

15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

So Scripture teaches us to confront and how to confront

But let me also say, we need to be careful here.

We can not go creating conflicts and confrontations

We need to learn how to sometimes mind our own business

Proverbs 26:17 NIV

17 Like one who grabs a stray dog by the ears is someone who rushes into a quarrel not their own.

There is enough drama out there, that we don’t need to go and create any more of it

Do it when necessary, avoid it at all costs when not.

One more thing and then we will wrap up

All of this is done best in person

You fighting on SM with someone is not the way to biblically do this

you talking about the situation without really talking about the situation is not the way to handle it

Be a man, be a woman, and go sit down with whoever it is and work it out

There is so much communication that happens without words we can’t possibly be able to read the situation, the person, the tone, etc without sitting down with them and doing it face to face

Wrap up

Conflict is going to happen

Confrontations are going to happen

We should walk away from those experiences in a way that honors God

We need to remember that when we conflict, when we confront, we do it with an image bearer of the Lord.

When we do it with another believer, we are doing it with another Son or Daughter of God

We need to navigate and carry ourselves through those situations in a way that God will be honored pleased and glorified by the way that we conduct ourselves.