Can You Hear Me Now? Week 1

Throughout the next few weeks we are going to be talking about specific aspects of communication in the context of our Christian faith. Next week we are going to be looking at how the Bible tells us to listen to others

On Oct 10 we are going to talk about communicating the Gospel of Hope- which is our hope Sunday.

On Oct 17 we are going to look at how the Bible tells us to communicate in times of conflict

On Oct 24 we are going to finish this series up with a message about communicating our expectations of others.

We have a God who communicates with us

If God did not speak, then we wouldn’t have the Bible!

Our faith requires a God who speaks. From the beginning of the story of the Bible God is seen speaking. He speaks the heavens, the Earth, and all that is in them into existence! The Bible itself is a collection of the things that God has communicated to men. Those conversations have been recorded for us and now we have them as our Bible to guide our lives!

Because God communicates, we have a standard to aim for!

As Christians we have a standard for all that we do, and that standard is Jesus. Jesus was God in the flesh and through his life we see the standard that God has set for all of our lives. So, if we want to see what Godly, healthy, whole communication looks like all we need to do is look to Jesus!

So, if you want to know how to talk with a sinner, read about Jesus’ interactions with sinners. If you want to see how to talk to a hypocrite, read how Jesus talked to hypocrites. If you want to know how to talk to the self-righteous, then read how Jesus talked to the self-righteous. It is there! Instead of making up our own script and dialogue we can learn a lot by seeing how Jesus communicated in the situations we find ourselves in.

Healthy communication comes from a healthy heart.

Matthew 15:18–20 ESV

But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person. But to eat with unwashed hands does not defile anyone.”

If your heart is sick, your communication will never be healthy!

In Matthew 15 Jesus is talking about what defiles a person. Remember, Jewish society was built on laws of cleanliness. Don’t eat that- it is unclean; do not touch that, it is unclean; do not associate with those people- they are unclean! So much of their thoughts on cleanliness had to do with what they put in or around their bodies. But Jesus flips that on its head, doesn’t he? He says that what makes a man impure is in here- it is the heart. If we have the roots of sin in our hearts it will surely come out of our mouths.

Many times hash communication is a symptom of deeper sin in our hearts.

Jesus’ teaching always begins with the heart. If we do not address the heart, it is like dipping a clean cup into dirty water to drink!

So many times our communication is off because our hearts are off. We fail to examine our motives and attitudes in our hearts. When we are about to engage in a hard conversation, or communicate something with someone we often have trouble communicating with, our first step should always be a heart check. We should examine our own motives and intentions and ask God to reveal to us what is in here- so we can honor him with what comes out of here.

So what should we be looking for in our hearts?

Healthy communication is rooted in the truth.

Ephesians 4:25 ESV

Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.

Jesus draws some pretty important lies between truth and lies. In John 14:6 Jesus tells us that he is the way, the TRUTH, and the life; and in John 8:44 he tells us that Satan is a liar and the father of all lies. Pretty important divisions, right?

So, if we want to root our communication in Jesus, we must root our communication in the truth.

The New York Times stated the results of a survey that 91% of Americans confess they regularly don’t tell the truth. 20% admit they can get through a day without conscious, premeditated white lies.

Oftentimes it is easy to leave out truths and details, skim over controversial statements and feelings, and fabricate parts of stories when we are trying to communicate with someone we have tension with- especially when we are in disagreement.

We skirt around the truth because the truth can hurt- not just us, but also the people that we care about.

Some of us may be able to sympathize with the fellow who received a call from his wife just as she was about to fly home from Europe. "How’s my cat?" she asked.

"Dead."

"Oh, honey, don’t be so honest. Why didn’t you break the news to me slowly? You’ve ruined my trip."

"What do you mean?"

"You could have told me he was on the roof. And when I called you from Paris, you could have told me he was acting sluggish. Then when I called from London, you could have said he was sick, and when I called you from New York, you could have said he was at the vet. Then, when I arrived home, you could have said he was dead."

The husband had never been exposed to such protocol but was willing to learn. "OK," he said. "I’ll do better next time."

"By the way," she asked, "how’s Mom?"

There was a long silence, then he replied, "Uh, she’s on the roof."

But let’s be honest, this dancing with the truth does us no real favors, for it never completely avoids the hard realities. The truth is never changed by our lack of commitment to it. So, if we want to have healthy communication with others we must be open to telling, and receiving the truth, even if that truth is hard for us.

Can I tell you, from someone who is involved in some entry level marital counseling, that delaying being honest with someone is usually a bad idea. The amount of times that i hear about marital issues with folks that stem from years of avoiding the truth. You see, when we avoid the truth in our conversations and delay telling the truth all we are doing is giving more space for the enemy to divide and giving more opportunity for hurts to take root.

Lies lead to deception, but the truth invites grace.

Yall know I like to fish, right? When I fish I use deception, I put a hook in a lure and when the fish bites- I GOT HIM! I use deception when I fish, but I try to avoid deception in communicate because I am trying to grow relationship, not trap the other person in some misdeed.

One of the questions it is important to ask ourselves is what are you inviting into your conversations? When we steep our conversations in truth we are inviting grace into our midst. You see, lies lead to deception. When we allow half truths and lies to come into our conversations we are counting on deception to overcome conflict, and we know that God does not operate in deception.

In fact, the only thing deception brings is trouble.

This reminds me of the guy who was shopping at WalMart. An old lady keeps staring at him. Finally she says "You look so much like my late son. I know it's silly, but if you call out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me feel so happy."

The guy says "I'll be glad to do it."

The old lady proceeds through the checkout and as she leaves the supermarket, the man calls out "Goodbye Mother."

The old lady waved back, and walked out the door.

He was pleased that God used him to bring happiness to someone else. So he goes to pay for his groceries. The cashier says "That'll be 362 dollars."

The guy says "362 dollars???? Why so much? I only bought a few things!"

The cashier "Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her.

This story is a funny example of leaving someone on the hook for your deception- but most of the time this is no laughing matter.

So, when we communicate we need to connect our words to the truth. Sometimes that can be hard, but other times is can be quite simple. For example, when I involved in conflict resolution moments one of the things that I ask for folks to do is remove the phrases “you always” and “you never” from their conversations; because most of the time those phrases invite in deception and lies. An example, a woman says to her husband “you never help me with the housework” that is inviting deception. Because either he is going to start looking for a counter to that claim, or he does, in fact help, just not as often as she needs him. So, instead I will ask the woman to speak from the truth and the truth is “honey, I need more help from you with the housework.” That is rooting into the truth.

We also should not invite deception into our relationship. Another example. As parents Jess and I try to never put our kids in a position to lie to us. We are not perfect at this but we try. For example. Our kids often play in the backyard; and Jess and I often watch them through the back door while we are cooking or doing something in kitchen, and often Jess will see one of our kids do something wrong and she will alert me and I go to talk with them. Rocks were being thrown a few weeks ago. I did not walk out and say “were you throwing rocks?” Because I knew they were; and there was no need to invite deception into our midst; no need to set them up to lie. Instead I state the truth- we saw you throwing rocks- and we can then move onto the rest of the conversation and discipline.

Healthy communication resists corruption

When something is corrupted it is infected or contaminated. Many times rendering them useless. Corrupted talk has the influence of sin all around it and through it. Remember, sin brings death, and so do these corrupted words.

When Paul writes to us about our words, he is pretty direct about how we should evaluate our speech. In fact, the word that Paul uses here can also be translated “worthless” let no worthless talk come out of your mouth.

Parents, you know what worthless things look like, right? When you give your kid some money and they want to spend it on some small worthless toy that will probably break the second it is removed from the wrapper. You try and talk to them about saving that money for a larger purchase, or using the money more wisely, but they instead opt for the instant and momentary gratification because in that moment their instant reaction is stronger than the long term consequences- they trade worth for instant gratification.

Our words are investments we make into our relationships.

But like investments, we sometimes have to trust in the long haul. Listen to the list of corruptions in our talk that are listed in v31.

We might call these “bad communication investments” they are made in a moment but can have long term implications.

So, when we invest with words of healing and grace; words of peace and joy; we can set our relationships up for more long term health.

“A careless word may kindle strife,

A cruel word may wreck a life;

A bitter word may hate instill,

A brutal word may smite and kill;

A gracious word may smooth the way

A joyous word may light the day;

A timely word may lessen stress,

A loving word may heal and bless.”

In James 3:1-12 we read of our call to tame our tongues. But really, if we circle back to the beginning of this sermon, we see that in order to tame the tongue, we must remodel our hearts. But friends, I am just going to lay it out here- some people have allowed the negative words of the world so seep into their hearts for some long you have forgotten how to use positive words.

Can I tell you that I HATE playing F# minor on the guitar? It is literally my least favorite chord. Its this weird bar chord that goes all the way across the next and my short stubby fingers just don’t like to do it. In fact, I have completely changed keys on songs just to avoid having to play F#m- so what happened? My avoidance cost me- because I got out of practice and my fingers just did want to do it anymore- my avoidance hurt my playing in the long run.

Some of us need to practice- literally relearn- to use healthy words with some of the people around us. You have been so critical of your coworker that you need to practice allowing the Godly words to come out of your mouth. Your words have been weapons for so long it is time to allow them to be transformed. The Bible is not a book of magic spells. There is no hocus pocus dont say those things again! Instead, verses like 2 Tim 3:16 tell us that the Bible is for teaching, correction, and training. Some of us need to embrace the idea of having our communication skills retrained.

You know, psychology tells us that it takes 7 positive statements to overcome 1 hurtful remark to a child. I wonder if it does not take about that much for us to control our tongue. Can I challenge you this week to make 7 positive statements about someone you are in relationship with? One each day. Maybe some of you need to do 7 a day to start reprogramming that communication!