How a Christian Deals with Rejection

Introduction: Rejected!

Everyone deals with being rejected at some time in his or her life. My first clear memory of being rejected comes from my time in grammar school. When I was about 9 years old, my parents enrolled me in third grade in the German school here in Ankara. I had a couple friends there that I’d made when I spent a few short months in the kindergarten there, so I had a connection coming back in. However, when I entered fourth grade, I befriended another boy who was a little… let’s say, eccentric. He was nice, but he was different and the “in crowd” didn’t like him much; and being his friend, I was now on the outs, too. That was no fun!

I had made a profession of faith in Christ when I was 6 and saw myself as a Christian at this time, but somehow I didn’t make the connection of how to behave here; I was only about 10 years old after all. I wanted to be this boy’s friend, but I also wanted to be liked by the others, so there were times when I — to my shame — badmouthed my friend behind his back, which — rightfully — led to more rejection by the “in crowd”. Children don’t tolerate hypocrisy and can be especially cruel, because they either have not learned to dissemble or they simply don’t care. It was a rough several years until my friend’s family moved away and I slowly began to be accepted again. As you can see, I still vividly carry the memory of that rejection with me some 35 years later, though I have worked through and overcome the pain.

[Click] Rejection is hard. It leaves scars.

[Click] We all long to be accepted. When we are accepted we feel valued.

When we are valued, we feel important and whole; we feel good about ourselves and our place in the world and are able to live life fully. Acceptance is important.

Acceptance is one of ten foundational needs that every human being has.

These were designed in our un-fallen state to be fulfilled in relationship with God and with one another. Even Jesus had the need to be accepted; and he found his primary acceptance in his Father, thus he could put up with being despised and rejected by men.

It is precisely because we have this valid need for acceptance that rejection is so difficult. This does not matter whether it is societal rejection, rejection of an application, rejection of an idea, personal rejection, or even perceived rejection. All of these hurt, because they are contrary to our design.

But how should a Christian deal with rejection? Today I’d like to look at three different kinds of rejection that a Christian might experience. How do we deal with

being rejected by non-Christians,

being rejected by other Christians,

feeling rejected by God?

I want to note here that I very purposefully used the word “feeling” rather than “being” when it comes to a sense of divine rejection. We will presently see why this difference is so important. But before we continue, let us pray for wisdom as we consider this difficult topic.

How a Christian deals with rejection when being rejected by non-Christians

The first kind of rejection we experience is actually the easiest kind to deal with, and that is when a Christian is rejected by a non-Christian. [Click] After, all this is to be expected. Jesus makes it very clear that we are to expect persecution. [Click] In the Sermon on the Mount he said,

Mt 5:11 ““You are blessed when they insult and persecute you and falsely say every kind of evil against you because of Me.”

Note the “when”. It’s not if, it’s when. In John, Jesus talks about how the world hates us, because we are not of the world (Jn 15:18; 17:14). We are to expect persecution and rejection.

[Click] Christianity stands up against all other forms of thought, claiming an exclusivity and a way of salvation that is frankly rather offensive to all other religions and philosophies. When a form of thought is offensive, people either ignore it or attack it in order to destroy it. We see both in our daily lives. Some people will just say something like, “That’s nice, after all we all worship the same God.” When you press the point that Christianity is different from their view, they will change the subject. Others will argue and possibly even get violent. Sometimes even political leaders will get involved and Christians will be systematically persecuted.

So how are we to respond? [Click] We are to respond with praise, prayer and perseverance. In Acts 4:23-31, after being warned to not speak about Jesus anymore, the Apostles pray for courage to keep speaking even in the face or rejection and persecution. In Romans 5:3 Paul writes, “And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance.” James tells us to rejoice in our trials, because they produce maturity (Jas 1:2-3). We are to rejoice in these difficulties and in this rejection.

Frankly, as painful as it may be to be rejected by non-Christians, it’s not that hard to take, mostly because we can expect them to not understand. They are, after all, still in the darkness. The Holy Spirit has not yet illumined them to the Truth. They are under the sway of the Enemy and they “know not what they do”. We can sometimes even brush off harsher forms of rejection, such as physical violence or being imprisoned, because it is seen as a badge of glory in Kingdom terms. We have suddenly become important enough to Kingdom concerns that we’ve drawn the attention of Satan and his minions! We have been counted privileged and mature enough to suffer for Jesus! Hallelujah!

However, I was once arrested and deported for being a follower of Jesus, and I’ll tell you, it was not fun. It was painful and I though I worked through it at that time, it negatively affected my spiritual witness and practice more than half a decade afterwards.

Rejection hurts, even if it is by non-Christians; we need to acknowledge that. I remember the cold feeling in the pit of my stomach when one man here looked at me and told me how much he hated Americans, since they were Christians. I still tremble sometimes when I think of it.

[Click] We need to learn to forgive these people for what they do and ask God for the love to love them as he does, contra-conditionally. This means knowing that they won’t respond in kind, but we still choose to love to them. That is what agape love actually is; and only a Christian can give such a love properly, but a Christian can only love this way if he or she know who he or she is. But more on this later.

How a Christian deals with rejection when being rejected by other Christians

As painful as it may be to be rejected by non-Christians, it is much more difficult when a fellow Christian rejects us. After all, we are called to love one another (Jn 13:34-35), and care for one another, and bear one another’s burdens and do all the other “one another” things in Scripture. We are family! This should not be!

How do we reject each other? One example that absolutely incenses me is when good Christians claim that other good Christians are not born again because they happen to be part of another denomination that happens to not be fully in line with their point of view or with plain teaching in Scripture. Or because you don’t do things a certain way or pray a certain way or worship a certain way, you aren’t saved. Brothers and sisters, this must not be! God has many, many wonderful, exotic blooms in his garden! You are one and I am one. He loves us all and accepts us all. Only when we turn to him and submit to him, does he begin to change us. But he maintains our personality and our diversity. And that is a beautiful thing! So, if — as far as we can observe — someone’s actions and words generally line up with this book and they hold to the core teachings of the Gospel, namely the Cross of Christ and all that goes with that, we should be able to fellowship with them.

Jesus prayed for unity in his body (Jn 17:21). This unity will draw people to Jesus; and so Satan attacks there, at the core of what is important for us humans: our value. He causes us to reject one another, or at least perceive that we have rejected each other. This causes a deep, deep hurt that is often not overcome. Sometimes it is not that someone rejects us per se, but that we have unspoken and possibly false expectations about how things should happen, and we feel rejected.

A few years ago, I was in a very bad place with a relationship to my supervisor. My wife, Sarah, had gone off to a conference and I was alone with the kids. I was really struggling and longing for someone to reach out to me and speak to me; but no one called, no one cared — or so I thought. You see, my expectation was that God would just send someone along, that the Spirit would magically motivate someone to fill my need for comfort and adult interaction. God will sometimes do that, but not always. He was waiting for me to cry for help to the body. When I did, I was quickly encouraged and helped by dear brothers in Christ. My feeling of rejection there did not have to do with actually being rejected, but because I was not sharing what I was going through with the body.

So, what are we to do if we feel rejected? The first step is to forgive the brother or sister whom we have perceived to have rejected us. Everything in the biblical life begins with forgiveness: God forgiving us, us forgiving ourselves as he forgave us, us forgiving one another as he forgave us. If we start there, we will be able to take the next steps. As Jesus explains in the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant in Matthew 18, forgiveness begins in the heart. We choose to forgive before we even go to speak to the person who has wronged us. Sometimes we don’t even ever have to talk to the person whom we believe wronged us; we simply forgive and move on; because the goal of forgiveness is always reconciliation!

But what is forgiveness? I really like the Peacemaker seminar’s explanation of the nature of forgiveness. We begin by saying what it is not. [Click] Forgiveness is not a feeling; we will likely never feel like forgiving someone who has rejected us. [Click] Forgiveness is not forgetting; something as painful as rejection will be etched into our memory permanently, as my examples may have shown you. [Click] Forgiveness is not excusing behavior or a denial that anything happen; that would be belittling the evilness of the action and the pain it caused, delaying or preventing true healing.

[Click] No, forgiveness is first and foremost an act of faith; forgiving as Christ forgave me, obeying him in this.

[Click] Second, it is overlooking the offense. We cover the shame that comes from the act of rejection with the shed blood of Christ. We no longer allow it to control us.

[Click] Forgiveness is a release of the debt that the other one owes you. The debt has already been paid through the death of Christ on the cross. So we bear the burden the other person has put upon us willingly, accepting the pain that it brought us and roll that off upon God.

[Click] But most importantly, forgiveness is a decision, an act of the will. It is a rare, difficult, and costly decision. It is the choice to no longer count this sin against the offender. It is the choice to not remember what was done, to not call it to mind.

[Click] There is a huge difference between forgetting and not remembering. God does not forget sins, he remembers them no more (Isa 43:24; Jer. 31:31). Forgetting pretends something never happened. Not remembering accepts that something happened but chooses not to think about it. It is much more realistic and much more difficult. In that way we are called to be like God.

[Click] At the core of forgiveness is reconciliation. That is what the process of confronting a sinning brother in Matthew 18:15-20 is all about! Look especially at verse 15:

Mt 18:15 “If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother.”

This is what forgiveness is for. If a brother or sister rejects you for whatever reason, whether valid or invalid, we are called to forgive them, period! [Click] Jesus thinks this is so important, that he adds this ominous warning at the end of the model prayer in Matthew 6:14-15, “For if you forgive people their wrongdoing, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don’t forgive people, your Father will not forgive your wrongdoing.”

How a Christian deals with rejection when feeling rejected by God

And this may be a reason why a Christian could feel rejected by God. So how do we deal with this feeling of rejection by God? [Click] Does God reject anybody? Yes, he does; but usually only after they have rejected him first!

[Click] The fact of the matter is we have all felt rejected by God at one time or another. The Psalms are full of similar cries, like in Psalm 13.

Ps 13:1 “Lord, how long will You forget me? Forever? How long will You hide Your face from me?”

Or my least favorite psalm, Psalm 88, where Heman cries out to God and receives no answer. He very obviously felt rejected by God.

Every one of us has felt forgotten, rejected, left alone by God at one time or another. No Christian I have talked to hasn’t felt a distance from God at one point or another in their spiritual walks. If you haven’t yet, you probably have not been a Christian for a very long time. I think of the famous preacher Charles Spurgeon who suffered depression most of his life after someone shouted “fire” during one of his sermons and people stampeded out of the building, accidentally killing several of the congregants in the process. I’ve spoken with those who live through pain because they followed God’s call and wonder if he even still loves them. I have had similar thoughts myself.

How do we deal with the feeling that God has rejected us? [Click] We should first ask the question, “Why do I feel this way?” If we’re honest about it, we might find an answer not pleasing to us. Perhaps it was something that we did. Maybe God called us to do something that we chose not to do. Perhaps we had an expectation of how God should do something and he didn’t do it the way we wanted. Maybe there is some issue in our life that we think or feel is a barrier between us and God.

[Click] Then talk to God about it. Be honest, be open. God can handle it. He’s big. You don’t have to worry about hurting his feelings, because he already knows what’s going on inside your heart. It does you good to let it all out. He wants us to pour out our hearts to him. The Psalms and the Bible are full of people who dump all of the pain and hurt and anger out before God. We were never designed to keep these things inside.

[Click] We must also talk with our believing brothers and sisters. Pour out your heart to them. Thus we can bear one another’s burdens and pray for one another. However, when someone comes to you, the first thing is to be quiet an listen. Only when they’re done dumping is it wise to ask them if they want advice. Sometimes the best thing can be to say nothing. In all of this we must listen to what the Spirit wants us to say and make sure we’re speaking out of his wisdom, not ours.

[Click] But we must also remember that our hearts are deceitful above all other things (Jer. 17:9) and that even when we are okay with God, our sinful hearts will whisper false messages to us. They will also whisper false messages when we’re not okay with God to keep us from turning to him, and we’ll feel rejected. We must be very careful to not follow our hearts. The popular mantra is completely wrong. In and of itself the heart knows nothing but wickedness. Do not trust it. It is only when God gives us a new heart in being saved that it can even remotely to begin to be trusted, but, as we shall see, only when its assertions are tested against the clear truths of Scripture.

[Click] You see, God loves us. He knows what’s good for us. Romans 8 is a wonderful treatise on this fact. But, we often don’t know what is good for us. God is the best parent of all. Jesus uses a parable in Matthew 10:30-31 to express how much our Heavenly Father cares for us. Sometimes our Divine Parent must discipline us so that we walk in line with his truth.

So when we are feeling distant or rejected by God, one of the most important questions to ask ourselves is if there is something we aren’t doing that God has revealed to us. What was the last next step he told us to take? Or is there something that God has told us to give up that we don’t want to? You see, the old adage from the Old Testament that obedience brings blessing, but disobedience brings a curse, is still completely valid today. This has nothing to do with salvation; rather it has to do with living the abundant life that Jesus promises. If we don’t abide in him — if we don’t obey him, we will not experience that fullness and will get pruned. We need to make sure that we are doing what we can to make sure that we’re walking close.

And what happens if we still feel distant from God and rejected? [Click] Then we need to remember that our feelings are often not accurate. We live in a feely culture, where the term, “I feel” has come to mean “I think”. We make opinion statements and tie them to emotions. We make factual statements as if they were an expression of an emotion. We humans are very emotional creatures.

[Click] However, if we look at the list of how our faith should be augmented in 2Pe 1:5-7, we find that Peter leaves the emotions of brotherly affection to the end of the list. If our life is like one of those old steam engines, our will is the engine, powered by our mind, drawing along our emotions. If we put our emotions at the front of the train, we won’t go anywhere.

So it is when we deal with rejection.

Application

[Click] And thus we come to the most important part of the sermon: how shall we than live with these truths? I will suggest three things that we can do. These are very basic and many of us will look at them and say, well, yeah! But, as Peter told us a couple of weeks ago, we are forgetful. So here is a chance to set up an Ebenezer — a stone of remembrance — as how to deal with rejection when it comes.

One thing I want to remind us of in all this, is that we need to practice this when life is good! Because if we can learn to practice this when things are easy and make it a habit, it will be much less difficult to practice these realities when things are hard, because we’re already used to doing them. It is much harder to be in a dark, difficult place and then to begin to apply these suggestions I will make.

[Click] So, what are these three points of application of how to deal with rejection?

Pour out your emotions.

Pour in the truth from Scripture

Choose to walk by faith

Let’s consider each of these in turn.

Pour out the Emotions

We have already talked about this when dealing with responding to the feelings of God having rejected us. [Click] If we consider our internal tank like a glass, when we’re filled with negative emotion, it’s like being filled with muddy, undrinkable liquid. When people jostle us, it will splash on them and make them dirty, too.

We have to work through what is inside us properly. Too often we either stuff the bad emotions, strap on a happy face, and move on in life. Or else we end up with diarrhea of the emotions and vomit our pain and suffering all over everyone, making everyone around us miserable. Both of these are wrong.

[Click] Pouring out emotions needs to be done in a way that allows us to work through them. Some of us may have to weep and speak out loud. Some of us can write them down and work through them that way. Sometimes we need to talk to someone. IPCA is home to to several trained counselors, who could be asked for help. Brad and Ruth at Sakintepe offer counseling. If you need to get away a bit farther, there is the Olive Tree Center in Antalya. The help is there, you just need to reach out for it.

However you do it, pour out the emotions. It may take several sessions, but we need to work through what is going on inside us. Be honest. God knows what’s going on in our hearts. But much like a loving parent, he wants us to tell him about it, because he wants to heal us. [Click] And it may take time. Remember, it took 25 years for God to give Abraham a son. It took Jacob at least 70 years to surrender to God. Jesus waited for at least 30 years before he began his ministry. Paul was set aside for 10 years before God brought him into his ministry. God is not in a hurry. We shouldn’t be either. Plodding forward is okay. So if it takes more than one session to pour our your heart, no problem. Keep at it.

Pour in the Truth of Scripture

[Click] But regardless of how you pour out your emotions, you must fill your cup with the fresh water of Truth from the Bible. Satan loves an empty cup. He’ll fill it up with all kinds of things that will prevent the Truth of Scripture from taking hold, so that it won’t fit. That is why we need to constantly dwell on these realities. Here are a few things to think of.

[Click] God is good. He is good in his nature, in his deeds, in his intentions, in his care towards us, in his love for us (Ps. 145:9; Mk 10:18; Ps 119:68; Jas 1:17; Nah 1:7). Cling to that. At a men’s retreat I attended a few years ago, the speaker quoted Christa Gifford Black of Hillsong, who said, [Click] “If you do not cling to the goodness of God, you will lower your theology to match your pain.” Ouch! This is one reality we have to cling to, especially when we’re experiencing the pain of rejection. God is good!

[Click] Second, know who you are in Christ. Many years ago, a man named Neil Anderson compiled a list of who we are in Christ: that I am accepted, that I am significant and that I am secure. This list is one we should all read over again and again. Here, just a couple:

[Click] I am God’s child -> I am a prince or princess of the realm. I am loved. I am cared for.

[Click] I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God. -> Even if someone rejects me, it doesn’t matter. God still accepts me, even if I don’t feel that to be the case. Not even I can separate myself from God’s love!

[Click] I am God's workmanship. -> He designed me, he made me, he redeemed me. I am deeply valuable, because he did it for the praise of his glory. It doesn’t matter what anyone says. He put me where I am right now and he is with me.

I have placed a few copies of this list in the back, if you want them. Take a look at the passages. Memorize them. Meditate on them. Feel them. They will help you when you are despised and rejected by men.

[Click] Remember that life is hard. The lament passages in the Psalms express this. Our Lord Jesus has not promised us a painless life; as a matter of fact he has promised us the exact opposite in John 16:33 “I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world.” Keep this in mind when life gets rough. Expect it to get rough, and rejoice when it seems easy.

[Click] Remember that a dark valley can be a place of blessing. In Psalm 23:4-6, it is the Good Shepherd who leads us into the valley of deepest darkness and spreads the feast for us there, in the dark. It is in the dark that our cup overflows with blessing. It is in the dark that he anoints us. It is in the dark that we see that goodness and that faithful, contra-conditional, convenantal love of God pursuing us. In the dark, he is with us. In Psalm 84:5-7, it is the valley of tears that is turned into a blessing on the way to Jerusalem.

[Click] And that brings us to the greatest and most amazing truth: Our Lord Jesus is with us through it all. The core of Psalm 23 are the words: “For you are with me”. Jesus promises “And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age” (Mt 28:20). The author of Hebrews reminds us that Jesus has been through every test and every trial — including rejection by man and God! — that we have. He knows, he understands, he feels. He weeps with us. He rejoices with us. He knows — experientially. There is nothing he cannot understand. And that is amazing, is it not?

We must remind ourselves of these things, over and over and over and over and over again. Because we forget. Whenever we feel rejection as a Christian, we need to think of these things. We need to program ourselves to think this way, because it is counter to the natural mindset.

Choose To Walk By Faith

And, lastly, we must choose to live in faith. [Click] This means that we cling to God and the truth in his word, even and especially when we can’t see where he is going. [Click] Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 5:7 “For we walk by faith, not by sight.” We have to remember that faith is primary, not certainty. As much as the world may decry “blind faith” to discredit our creed, our faith is not blind. It is very eyes wide open, because we have 5000 years of recorded history of God’s faithfulness, both in the Bible and in the testimonies of the saints. So we look forward to the new heaven and the new earth that he has promised.

[Click] Thus we know by faith that our suffering is preparing a a greater weight of glory for us in the next world (2Co 4:17). When we are rejected by non-Christians or Christians, we must accept this as another opportunity to glorify God and as another gem with which we build on the foundation of Christ. This statement assumes, of course, that we are being careful to walk in a manner worthy of our high calling in Christ. Peter warns, “None of you, however, should suffer as a murderer, a thief, an evildoer, or a meddler. But if anyone suffers as a “Christian,” he should not be ashamed but should glorify God in having that name” (1Pe 4:15-16 ).

[Click] So, in order to be prepared for rejection when it comes, practice these three: pouring out your emotions, pouring in truth from Scripture, and choosing to walk by faith on a daily basis. Then when trouble comes, you will have habits already established that will help you know by faith that God is at work and move through the rejection with the least amount of scarring possible.

Life is hard. God is good all the time. And all the time God is good! Amen!