Doubt Part 1

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personal testimony part 1 leading to part 2 where i wanted to believe God didn't exist

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Doubt Part 1

Doubt Part 1
There have been many times in life when we doubt God’s existence, His love, His will, His goodness, His desire or ability to heal us, and so on.
Sometimes, life is crushing us on all sides and we feel so helpless, lost, and sometimes all alone.
And just when we’re at our lowest, something surprisingly good often happens even if it is really small but we will miss it if we don’t keep our eyes open looking for things.
One surprisingly good thing happened this past week when one of the best friends anyone could ever ask for, sent me a link to take a Myer Briggs Personality test (will try to post a link to the one I took). The results explained so much of my life and some issues that have haunted me throughout life. Almost always, I feel like I’m on the outside looking in—not really included just at the periphery. Turns out it is my personality type.
However, let me tell you about someone who recently became a member of the family—officially (she has been unofficially for a while). She is the amazing! I watch her in a group of women and she is never on the outside but in the middle and able to relate without any effort. She knows just what to say and how to act. I envy her this ability; one I do not have.
Yes, part of me is out-going and have trained myself to be friendly to people and I want to and try to get to know them. But she is able to connect with women on a level I just can’t. Without knowing for sure her personality type, it is likely that hers is the considered the ideal woman, and the exact opposite of mine.
Growing up and seeing this pattern throughout my life, always wondering why I didn’t really fit in, my self-esteem was always low. I have and continue to have self-doubts.
At a particularly horrible time for self-esteem for me, I remember my junior year of college. Somehow, it had bottomed as low as it would go, at least until my disabling health condition.
So, one night, I was laying wide-awake on my bed in my dorm room, doubting everything and especially myself when something weird happened. I heard what sounded like a thunderous whisper say “I love you.”
I looked at my roommate who was sleeping like a baby. I disregarded the voice as something from down the hall or a tv somewhere. Then I heard it again. “I love you.” Again, I ignored it. I didn’t want to hear it. And then for a third time, “I love you.” I knew it was God. I knew it from the first time, just wouldn’t believe it.
But this time as tears ran down my face, I answered, “Why?” “Why would you love me when I don’t? I don’t even like me.”
The voice said “I love you so much I died for you.” I broke down and bawled like a baby. The reality is that the God who created the universe, who knows me better than anyone else, who knows all my doubts, all my failures, even the things I don’t want anyone to know because if they did… God loves me.
He continued, “if I love you, you need to love you.” My only thought—How? God said “I’ll help.”
The next day, a couple of women who lived down the hall asked me if I wanted to join their sorority. I told them I would think about it. God’s voice said “Join.”
I did. Once a week, we wore our sorority letters and were supposed to look nice. So, one day a week, I took care trying to be worthy of the sorority letters. If my sisters believed in me enough to include me, I wanted to make sure I didn’t let them down.
Over the next few months, God gave me different directions. And over time, my self-esteem started to grow. It’s still not all that high, but I don’t hate myself anymore. And now thanks to the personality test, I understand why I have always been slightly (or greatly) different.
I can promise you this… If God knows me and loves me anyway, God knows you and He loves you, too.
And now… Football
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