49-46 God's Plan For Your Family--Pt 7

Fathers Who Love Their Children

Encyclopedia of 7700 Illustrations 1561 Father’s Horrible Will

1561 Father’s Horrible Will

A man by the name of Donohoe penned the following will July 1, 1935. “Unto my two daughters, Frances Marie and Denise Victoria, by reason of their unfilial attitude toward a doting father.… I leave the sum of $1 to each and a father’s curse. May their respective lives be fraught with misery, unhappiness and poignant sorrow. May their deaths be soon and of a lingering, malign and torturous nature. May their souls rest in hell and suffer the torments of the damned for eternity.”

It’s just a guess but I’d bet that this family had some tension. This is not new. In the Bible there are many records of broken homes (difficult to find examples of good fathers). Those who do appear either failed to be godly examples or failed in consistent discipline. David pampered Absalom and results were tragic. Eli failed to discipline his sons and they were a disgrace to his name and to the nation. Isaac favored Esau while his wife favored Jacob resulting in a divided home. Jacob showed favoritism to Joseph and there was strife with his siblings.

Several years ago the Houston Police Department issued a leaflet entitled “How to Ruin Your Children”—Principles:

Twelve Rules for Raising Delinquent Children By the Houston Police Dept. 1) Begin with infancy to give the child everything he wants. This way he will grow up to believe the world owes him a living. 2) When he picks up bad words, laugh at him, and let him think that it is cute. This will also encourage him to pick up even cuter phrases that will blow off the top of your head later on. 3) Never give him any spiritual training. Wait until he is 21 years old and then let him decide for himself. 4) Avoid the use of the word "wrong". He may develop a guilt complex, and that would damage the child's psyche and self-esteem. This will condition him later on, when he steals a car, that society is against him and that he is being persecuted. 5) Pick up everything he leaves lying around...like books, shoes, and clothing. Do everything for him so he will be experienced in throwing all the responsibility on all other people, except himself. 6) Let him read any printed matter that he can get his hands on, and see all the movies, television, and videos he wants. Be careful, of course, that the silverware and drinking glasses are sterilized, but let his mind feast on all the garbage he wants to put into it. 7) Quarrel frequently in front of your children. This way, they will not be too shocked when the home is broken up later on. 8) Give a child all the spending money he wants. Never let him earn his own. Why should he have things as tough as you had them when you were a kid. 9) Satisfy his every craving for food, drink, comfort, and things. See that every sensual desire is gratified, because denial might lead to harmful frustration. 10) Take his side against neighbors, teachers, and policeman, because they are all prejudice against your child...everyone knows that. 11) When he gets into real trouble, apologize for yourself by saying, "I never could do anything with him." 12) Prepare for a life of grief...you earned it! November 10, 1998 Human depravity reminds us that children will naturally gravitate toward misbehavior, sinful living, delinquency, rebellion and immorality. Society understands that. We of all people (as Xns) should understand how important it is to be sure that our children follow the path of obedience. It’s not easy. But I know 1 thing: we must teach them to obey or we’ll have children who will be a grief to us.

Proverbs says that disobedient children are:

Grief to his mother

Proverbs 10:1 NASB95

The proverbs of Solomon. A wise son makes a father glad, But a foolish son is a grief to his mother.

Proverbs 17:25 NASB95

A foolish son is a grief to his father And bitterness to her who bore him.

Rebel

Proverbs 15:5 NASB95

A fool rejects his father’s discipline, But he who regards reproof is sensible.

Sorrow

Proverbs 17:21 NASB95

He who sires a fool does so to his sorrow, And the father of a fool has no joy.

Disaster

Proverbs 19:13 NASB95

A foolish son is destruction to his father, And the contentions of a wife are a constant dripping.

Disgrace

Proverbs 19:26 NASB95

He who assaults his father and drives his mother away Is a shameful and disgraceful son.

Proverbs 28:24 NASB95

He who robs his father or his mother And says, “It is not a transgression,” Is the companion of a man who destroys.

Proverbs 29:15 The rod (what we do) and reproof (what we say) give wisdom, But a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.

If you want shame, disaster, rebellion and grief on your hands—do nothing it will happen automatically.

Now, every family has conflict to some degree or another. Conflict exists b/c people have preferences and opinions that aren’t always shared by others. The family that enjoys great peace even in the presence of conflict most likely has fathers/parents who have come to know the Prince of Peace—LJC.

Proverbs 16:7 NASB95

When a man’s ways are pleasing to the Lord, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.

What a beautiful home this would be to every member of the family—esp children.

Children are often neglected and that has to do with the world’s perspective about them:

Many people will go thru life/family seeing children as a mere appendage or weight that keeps them from doing what they want to do.

But that was never God’s design:

Psalm 127:3 NASB95

Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward.

Scripture is abundantly clear that children are given by God—they are a gift from the Lord. He is the source, they are a heritage/reward, source of joy. They become the blessing of God upon the family.

Most families would love to see peace, tranquility, harmony, unity that really is God’s purpose for family life. Wives who honor and help their husbands, husbands who love their wives as Christ loved the church, who are servant-leaders and learners in their marriages, children who are actively obedient to their parents…what a refreshing environment that would be compared to what so many encounter today. One of the key relationships within families (not primary) is parent-child relationship. So many are looking for guidance and the evidence (10000s of books, sermons, podcasts, etc…). Parents want help raising children.

Paul’s admonition is profoundly simple (16 words in Gk)…we have in Eph 6:4 the fundamentals of Xn parenting. Let me give a very simple 2-part outline this morning: 1) The people addressed; 2) The parents admonished

1) The People Addressed

Who is Paul speaking to? In the strict sense of the Gk pater—“Fathers”—this context seems to support the sense of “parents” rather than restrict this instruction to just fathers. Children are to obey their parents not just fathers (vv 1-3). Several commentators make note that this word (while mostly referring to the male parent) will sometimes refer to both parents (Heb 11:23—Moses hid by “parents”-pater)

I believe Paul is addressing both parents but must mention that fathers are directly responsible for seeing this instruction carried out (as head of the home). Mothers have as much are more influence since she is often the one who spends most time with her children.

Recognize that fathers have tremendous influence/power over their children. This can be both positive and negative. In fact the Romans had what is called Patria Postestas (the power of a father) which gave him unfettered power in the home.

Jo-Ann Shelton As the Romans Did (1988):

“A Roman father enjoyed absolute legal control over the lives of his children. He had the legal right to expose a newborn child; he arranged marriages for his children and could force them to divorce spouses they loved; he could disown a child, sell a child into slavery, or even kill a child whose behavior displeased him. How strictly or severely an individual father wielded this power depended very much on his personality and temperament as well as on the responses of other family members and the community. For example, arranged marriages were common in Roman society, but the execution of an adult son by his father was rare.

“Although most fathers were concerned about the well-being of their offspring, they greeted the birth of an infant boy with more joy than the birth of an infant girl. Daughters often married at a very tender age to men chosen by their fathers; it was not uncommon for girls to be engaged at twelve and married at thirteen, and few were asked their opinions about prospective bridegrooms. Yet it would be wrong to conclude that Roman fathers did not love their daughters. Cicero was greatly distressed at the death of his daughter Tullia, from complications arising from childbirth, when she was about 30 years old.”

“Mothers did not have the legal control over their children that fathers did. When her husband died, a widow might find herself at the mercy of her children unless she had inherited enough money to remain independent.”

It is recorded that when children were thrown out of the house by their parents they would often be taken and if still alive left in the forum. People would come by during the night and collect the boys and girls and make slaves or prostitutes out of them.

Children in Paul’s day were severely abused/neglected. The parent-child relationship is just as sick and in desperate need of God’s truth in our society as it was then.

So Paul is addressing both parents (not just the fathers—though they carry the burden of responsibility for the condition of the home).

2) The Parents Admonished

There are actually 2 instructions given to fathers and mothers here (negative and positive)

The Negative Command

“provoke” in Gk means “to rouse to wrath, to make angry, to irritate, or exasperate.” Rare word used only 2x in NT (Rom 10:19). Paul is warning parents against goading their children into a state of perpetual resentment or jealousy. The grammar indicates this was happening to children in Ephesus—Paul says “stop provoking your children to anger.”

You might say “I don’t provoke my children to anger/become unruly or rebellious.” But there are many faults we have as parents (long list of potential faults) that are included in this summary: arbitrary, inconsistent, foolish, harsh & cruel treatment. Lenski says “parental authority is easily abused. Softness or careless indifference is the other extreme.”

Children are sharp…they have an acutely keen sense of injustice and when we’re being inconsiderate. We must not irritate them, cause them to become angry or provoke them thru unreasonable commands or cruel blame. Even our own attitudes and tempers can become the source of provoking to anger.

MacArthur suggests many ways we might provoke them to anger:

1) Overprotection—smother them, fence them in, never trust them, always wondering if they’re telling the truth. Never give them chance to develop independence—if compressed to a small area they’ll resent you and become angry.

2) Favoritism—prefer 1 child over the other. Isaac favored Esau over Jacob. Rebecca favored Jacob over Esau—what terrible agony that caused. Don’t compare your child to their siblings. “why can’t you be smart like…act like…I only wanted 2 kids, 3rd was accident.

3) Pushing achievement—push them so hard to fulfill goals you never accomplished will destroy them. They will have no sense of fulfillment—nothing will ever be enough. Parents push them to excel in sports, school, activities. On the other hand (I think as parents we have responsibility to protect them from over-involvement).

4) Discouragement—if you never give him approval, reward, honor and only tell him what’s bad will only cause discouragement. For every time we tell them something he’s done wrong we ought to balance that by confirming what was done right.

5) Failure to allow childishness—if they do something that isn’t adult or immature, childish or not intellectual—don’t put them down for it. Let them say silly things. Don’t always expect perfection from them b/c if you do you’ll push them away. Enjoy their wild ideas & let them say what they want—even if its dumb. Enjoy your children b/c they are that.

6) Neglect—David neglected Absalom & he became the greatest heartache of David’s life. You can’t neglect your children and win. They know if you spend time with them. I heard a story of a man who had a powerful ministry traveling all across the country speaking to young people. One day his son was outside talk over the fence to his friend. He asked if his friend wanted to play catch. His friend said “no, I’m going to play catch with my dad.” The preacher overheard his son say, “Oh, my dad doesn’t have time to play with me. He’s too busy playing with other people’s kids.” He changed his ministry so he could be home. If you have to change profession to be with your children—it’s an extremely small sacrifice worth paying.

7) Bitter words & Cruel punishment—Don’t take your anger out on your children. I can’t imagine what would cause someone to batter his child. We need to be careful b/c they are fragile. Children are battered not only physically but also verbally. It is possible to destroy and discourage your children thru sarcasm and constant verbal barrage.

The Positive Command

“bring them up” is the word that refers to nourishing. Lit means to provide food but came to be used of nourishing the mind and soul as well as the body. Calvin writes “let them be fondly cherished.” Shouldn’t have to remind parents of that responsibility but we’re seeing widespread impact of parents who do not. It becomes the highest duty of parents to raise children with the child’s relationship to the Lord foremost on their minds (we love to have harmony, obedience and peace in the home—but their relationship to X is most important).

2 nouns:

Discipline—gk paideia “training, learning, instruction” Used in Heb 12:5,7-8,11 as discipline or chastening. It involves rules and regulation that lead to reward or punishment in the home. The child is rewarded for keeping them, punished for breaking them—a home without consequences will lead to chaotic and unruly children.

To discipline (kjv nurture) then is to train by a set of rules and regulation enforced by reward or punishment. (always in context of love—it is love that causes a parent to chasten a child).

Proverbs 13:24 NASB95

He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.

You say “well its difficult and non-stop” of course it is. These are the problems with relationships we’ve already looked at.

Susanna Wesley (Biography –Susanna: Mother of the Wesleys) was the mother of 19 children including John & Charles Wesley. She wrote “The parent who studies to subdue [self-will] in a child works together with God in the renewing and saving of a soul. The parent who indulges it does the Devil’s work; makes religion impracticable, salvation unattainable, and [damns] his child, body, and soul forever.”

It is that important to discipline them by placing rules & regulations that will cause them to grow in maturity and Lord willing accept God’s salvation at the earliest of ages. I’m not talking about legalism but those which instill virtues of responsibility toward X and dependency on Him—responsibilities as members of the family (which lead to recognition of their part in God’s family) and as they humbly express dependency on parents (leads to dependency on Christ for life).

Instruction of the Lord

The word for instruction nouthesia “verbal instruction with a view to correct.” Has the mind/thinking in view. This is not what you do but what you say. Putting into the mind what a child needs in order to live rightly before God.

As a child grows in maturity and becomes more independent—verbal instruction alone will be sufficient to change attitudes/behavior. Tremendous task but the end result is righteousness. If you want righteous children you must teach them what Scriptures tell them to do. It is not only “Do what I tell you—by listen to what I say.” It is instruction, admonition, verbally imparting God’s truth into their young minds.

God wants our families to be all they can be for His glory. He wants to keep us from getting pressed deeper and deeper into this world/culture. It would be great if Xians always stayed together. If Xian families never fall apart. Think if our children were righteous and our home happy b/c they were Christ-centered just the way God designed them to be.

He has told us in His blueprint for the family. If we yield control of our lives to the Spirit, we shall have those families—and the world would certainly take notice b/c there would be such joy and delight in our homes. They couldn’t help but notice. And more importantly it would glorify God in heaven. I pray your family will experience this sort of fulfilled, blissful & happy home.