Relationship Posture

Staff Appreciation

Just a reminder that October is Pastor Appreciation month and since I am new.

You are all doing me the personal favor of appreciating the pastoral staff instead of me

Pastor Evan just had an amazing all nighter event

Pastor Ruth spent half of her week fixing the computer that all of the settings got messed up on when we had a power outage

Pastor Bethany is leading Emotionally Healthy Relationships and is doing a fantastic Job

And Heather is getting our harvest festival going.

So write them a card, let them know how much you appreciate them. Just as a personal favor to me, please skip me this year

Verse of the Series

So Church whether or not we like it: At certain times our relationships are all a hot mess

They are like a child eating ice cream on a hot day

So at the beginning of every message we are memorizing this Bible Verse together

1 John 4:11-12

The New International Version (Chapter 4)

11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

REMINDER: WHEN YOU LOVE PEOPLE WITH THE LOVE OF JESUS YOU HELP THEM TO EXPERIENCE GOD!

It is actually evangelistic to love broken and hurting people, because that is what Jesus did for you

I want you to think of someone right now who doesn't deserve your love and attention:

DO YOU HAVE THE NAME YET

They don’t deserve the time of day...

That was you. But God loved you, and died for you and redeemed you...

Living out God’s love in our relationships is the main thing for relationships that are redeemed and restored...

I mean, John will even go as far as saying, if you hate people, your just giving lip service to this whole following Jesus thing...

Its like you talk and pray one way but you actually believe another thing.

1 John 2:9

The New International Version (Chapter 2)

9 Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister is still in the darkness.

These two verses are the basics of Godly relationships

Love one another with the love of Jesus

You cant fake that!

Intro, Okay, lets get into it today...

Relational Posture

About a year ago I sort of woke up to this idea of relational posture.

The idea is the way that you present yourself in relationships matters

not only because you want to be kind and you want to have an impact on other peoples lives

It actually goes much deeper than that.

The posture you take in relationships is invisible discipleship

It is more effective than any bible study

It is more effective than any discipleship class

Because it molds and shapes others on a sub conscious level

Let me give you an example.

Let’s say: Your grandfather was an angry man. He was always angry towards others, blaming everyone else for his problems. Your grandfather never took ownership of what was his fault.

Consequently your father was always angry. Just the way that he treats your mom is through a posture of Anger. He gets ticked off at the smallest and slightest thing

Maybe you just learned to tip-toe around your dad because you didn’t want to make him angry.

And you know what maybe you have these times in your life that you explode in anger.

I mean you try to do better than your dad because you don’t want to end up like him.

But maybe things ticks you off that don’t normally tick other off and

maybe you start to see your kids tip-toe around you, and you mistakenly look at it as respect instead of fear...

just maybe you have inherited your grandfather’s relational posture.

It is simply the way that he approaches relationships.

And you never went to a class on relational posture

you never studied the bible on it..

You are just this way by default

The relationship posture is this great unseen force that spans generations, It shaped you and whether you like it or not you are shaping your kids or grandkids with your relational posture.

Because it is so well hidden…We just never deal with it.

Because we never deal with it, we end up discipling our kids in relationships by osmosis…

You disciple your grandkids, the people at your work, your friends and family simply by accident

And It is the way that you approach relationships....

The reason why this is so vital is that usually the way we stand before others in relationship is the way that we stand before God.

If you are humble in your relationships, you will stand before God humbly

If you feel like everyone owes you something, you will never be satisfied with God because you will always feel like He owes you something

The good news is that we follow a God who is transformative

A God who can break vicious cycles

A God who can transform our relational posture

The Posture that we take in relationships can either break them or cause them to last. And I want to submit to you that, so much of the lasting part of our relationships is the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives.

So first for your notes this morning is this:

Great relationships take their cues from the Bible.

Messy relationships take their cues from culture.

The reason why it can be hard to live out a biblical relational posture is because it is so counter cultural and revolutionary.

It is SO different to the way this world works

I like to write sermons at Starbucks or some other local coffee shop. Mainly because the office has so many distractions.

So a while back I go to a Starbucks to get some writing in and I see a woman reading a book

The title is: “ You are a Bad-A[ss] _”

The subtitle is: “How to stop doubting your greatness and start living an awesome life…”

This captured my attention so I went on Amazon and read some reviews

This is what one reviewer said:

“If touchy-feely self-help tomes make you feel, shall we say, less than inspired, this no-nonsense manifesto to awesomeness might be just what you're looking for. Filled with blunt and sassy advice, do-it-yourself exercises in personal transformation, and a whole lot of hilarity, You Are a Bad-A will silence your inner critic, and help you build a life worthy of the kind of Facebook news feed that others envy. Take a day off from looking for your inner goddess, and spending some time cultivating your outer bad-A instead.”

I was actually laughing in Starbucks when I read this review..

Because This is the opposite of the posture that Jesus calls is to take!

This book was a cultural manifesto for people to be the best, look the coolest…and gain influence through looking great on the outside...

The book props up a culture that says

You’re most impotrant

You’re the brand

You’re the best, focus on yourself

Don’t worry about other people, your job is to make them Jealous of your life

In a world that believes that what you project to the world is all that matters….Of course there is a book called You are a Bad-A…

And the market is flooded with books that are just like it.

Because this is the wisdom of our world

How to win….

How to be the best…

how to make others jealous…

how to not care

See the problem is that this way of life trickles into the posture that we take in relationships and it is disastrous

So were culture teaches and advocates for a self-centered way of life

The gospel actually does something really different

Flip with me to

John 3:22-26

22 After this, Jesus and his disciples went out into the Judean countryside, where he spent some time with them, and baptized. 23 Now John also was baptizing at Aenon near Salim, because there was plenty of water, and people were coming and being baptized. 24 (This was before John was put in prison.) 25 An argument developed between some of John’s disciples and a certain Jew over the matter of ceremonial washing. 26 They came to John and said to him, “Rabbi, that man who was with you on the other side of the Jordan—the one you testified about—look, he is baptizing, and everyone is going to him.”

Lets pause right here:

This is so good…Lets break this down

So what we have to understand is that John the Baptist is ultra famous before Jesus comes on the scene.

There is a certain amount of prestige in being John’s disciple

But now his disciples are seeing that their huge crowds are now going over to Jesus

They even say, “Everyone is going to him…”

Hey John the Baptist…We used to be the “it” group, we were popular….people were coming to us…remember when people were hanging on every word you were saying?

This is tough for John’s disciples…

Remember how we were increasing in prominence? Remember how important we used to be….

In the church world this is an easy temptation to fall into…

Why is everyone going to that church…we’re better…

In our families this is an easy temptation to fall into….Really, they are taking her advice on parenting?

Have you seen her kids?

I mean I am a better parent than her!

The temptation that John could have fallen into is the temptation that his disciples were falling into...

I MUST INCREASE, I MUST BECOME GREAT

John’s disciples were living by default …The default way of living is to say, hey I have achieved this level…

“I’m great!”

And the reason why this becomes disastrous is because if this is the way that you are living then all of your relationships will be about you!

Your relationships will be all about what you want and what you need.

Living in a way that declares I must increase, often means that others must decrease.

If my life is all about increasing myself then others around me will feel small

And if you are living in such a way that you must increase, then that is the posture that you are bringing to every relationship. everyone around you will end up feeling small .

Think about it, that is the end result

It creates a mess of a relationships

It creates narcissism in relationships

So friends: If you want to live in the blessings that God has for you in your relationships

Here is your next fill-in:

Ruthlessly eliminate selfishness from your life.

Selfishness is at the heart of all relationship problems

If your married, ask your spouse where your selfish areas are. Your spouse knows!

If you single, ask a friend who really knows you. Seek to be selfless...

I know I look young but I have been in ministry now for 18 years and I can tell you that every time I have sat across the table from a failing marriage or a relationship

The culprit is usually as simple as a selfishness

At one point I did a crisis marriage counseling for a family…Their marriage was on the brink of failure

at the heart of it was a man who loved and adored his wife, he gave everything for her

And the wife entered into an adulterous relationship with an old high school flame

I ended up separating them so I can talk to each one... alone. I begged her, honor God and her husband by deleting the man’s number, to ghost his calls, break it off and get into counseling with her husband for the sake of her marriage.

And what she told me was that for the first time in years, she was having fun and that she deserved this.

So she wasn’t going to break it off. She literally told me that after not ever doing anything for herself for years that she was having fun...

She tried to convince me that she deserved this

I mean I hope none of you ever end up in the same boat, but when we refuse to allow Jesus to transform our selfish parts, this is the furthest logical conclusion...

Relationships are a hot mess because we often times refuse to address our own selfishness…

In this persons selfishness she couldn't see the pain that she was causing her husband, her kids and all of her friends that knew about it.

Selfishness blinds us to the needs and feelings of others.

one day she woke up to the pain she was causing everyone

By the grace of God, that woman heard it from me and from a few other friends and she broke off the adulterous relationship with her old flame.

She got together with a great counselor

and she and her husband are still together today…Only by the grace of God.

Selfishness starts small but it starts with “I deserve it”

I deserve to be happy

I deserve to have fun

Church: Our world, our culture pounds into your head every day that you deserve it!

Be selfish…”Treat YO Self” Be a “BAD-A”

So let’s get back to John the Baptist

John’s disciples are dealing with the temptation that everyone is leaving

They are not as prominent as they used to be

They didn't have the voice they use to have

They were becoming marginalized and this is tough for anyone

They were dealing with the temptation of selfishness

So How did John reply?

John 3:27-30

27 To this John replied, “A person can receive only what is given them from heaven. 28 You yourselves can testify that I said, ‘I am not the Messiah but am sent ahead of him.’ 29 The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom’s voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. 30 He must become greater; I must become less.”

Do you see how John perfectly articulates the posture that he has towards his relationship with Jesus?

He Bust become Greater, I must become less!

John knows his role in the Kingdom of God

he explains to his disciples.

GUYS: It was always my job to become less!

It was always my job to introduce others to Jesus

I am not the messiah

He is the friend of the bridegroom Look again at John 3:29

John knows who he is talking to…he says that he is not the bridegroom but the friend to the bridegroom…

Because we don’t understand 1st century marriage tradition, let me break down the significance of what he is saying.

The friend of the groom in 1st century Israel would have sort of been like the “Best Man” it is a Hebrew word called “shoshbin”

His role was to present the bride to the bridegroom…

He tells his disciples…See that is my Job, that has always been my job, I am not the messiah, but I am the person that clears a path, I am the person who points to the way….

See the problem is that John’s disciples got a taste of fame and popularity…

They got a taste of what it was like to be the best show in town

And that shaped their posture toward Jesus...

But John was always concerned with making sure Jesus was great and he was less.

And then lets look at verse 30….

“He must become greater, I must become less”

He must become greater; I must become less.” I don’t think that when John said this he could have ever known that he would eventually be hated, arrested and beheaded...

But the focal point of this entire exchange between John and his disciples lands here….”He must become greater and I must become less”

For John’s disciples:

This must have been a hard pill to swallow, They were gaining reputation

They were sort of wild, in the dessert wearing camel hair and eating locust

They may have even thought…Look at us..we are a bunch of Bad-A’s…out here living off the land…Man if only I had instagram...

But John the Baptist, never Wavered from his mission and he set the posture that we have to have toward Jesus

HE MUST INCREASE, I MUST DECREASE

What if in your family you modeled

Jesus must become greater, and I must become less?

What if in your marriage you modeled

Jesus must become greater, and I must become less?

What if at work you just decided to model

Jesus must become greater, and I must become less?

See the posture of culture is to enter every relationship with the expectations that:

Your own needs are met

That people serve you

That the world revolves around you

In fact .....But the Biblical posture for relationships is operating in Second place.

John never confused himself with the messiah.

The messiah gets that place. He gets first place.

We in our relationship with God must declare that He must become greater and I must become less.

The Pauline View

The apostle Paul wrote about relationships and he basically says the same thing but elaborates more

Philippians 2:1-11

The New International Version Chapter 2

2 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

6 Who, being in very nature God,

did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;

7 rather, he made himself nothing

by taking the very nature of a servant,

being made in human likeness.

8 And being found in appearance as a man,

he humbled himself

by becoming obedient to death—

even death on a cross!

9 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place

and gave him the name that is above every name,

10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,

in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

11 and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,

to the glory of God the Father.

Do you see what Paul is saying about relationship postures?

How do we take second place?

Live in humility

To live in humility and especially in a relational posture…is to recognize your own pride and arrogance and to ask Jesus to deal with it. To walk to the cross and ask Jesus to take on your own arrogance.

value others above yourself

How would your relationships change if you treated every single person as the most significant person in the world?

And this is something that applies every four years too. I think one of the things that Christinas have gotten way too swept up in with politics is demeaning and tearing others down.

You can disagree with people, but value them above yourself!

You can think that others have wacky and harmful views for the country/city/state but still value other people...

or lets remove politics from the equation.

It is so easy to walk past a homeless person and to do nothing. It’s actually easy to devalue that person...

but what would it look like to value that person?

look out for the interest of others

Let’s face it, if you want to be a BAD-A then you are only looking out for your interest.

You want whats best for you.

Paul’s whole argument here is saying look how selfless Jesus is. He stepped out of heaven for your interest.

Actively look out for one another

Serve one another

So it’s easy to look out for one another, but taking action and serving one another is another thing all together

Maybe this is the missing ingredient in your marriage.

Marriage is not a relationship of dominance…I am going to talk more specifically about marriage later in this series

But too often times the Biblical way of marriage is mistakenly looked at as a relationship of dominance rather than one of two equals mutually submitting to one another.

So do you want an awesome marriage?

Here is a quick tip: If you are always thinking about how you can serve your spouse then you will have an awesome marriage

humble yourself

Philippians 2 says that Jesus humbled himself to the point of death on the cross

Now Paul already made the point to live in humility.

But here it is different…He said he humbled himself to the point of death on the cross.

In 1 Corinthians, Paul calls this The foolishness of the cross. Why?

Because in the first century world, you only gave gifts to people of higher esteem than yourself. That way you could raise your status.

To give a gift to someone of lower status would be to lower oneself

Do you get it? Its foolishness to the people of high esteem that Jesus would do this but to the people who are perishing this is the message of the hope of the world!

The Apostle Paul is preaching that you daily lower yourself , that you serve one another that you look out for others…that you value others above yourself

Just as Jesus went to the cross

Take your arrogance to the cross

take your pride to the cross

Take your desire to be a BAD-A to the cross!

This is the posture

This is the way Jesus stood before the world and this is the way that Paul is arguing that we need to stand before Jesus and others

But if your too concerned with being a BAD-A then you’ll never get past humbling yourself....

Challenge

Don’t let culture define your relational posture

Don’t let your grandfather define your relational posture

Don’t even let your dad define your relational posture

Come to Jesus…And ask him to transform the way you stand before him in relationship and the way that you stand before

This series is called: Hot Mess: REDEEMING MESSY RELATIONSHIPS

NOT: navigating messy relationships

but Redeeming them

And it starts with you right now

Maybe your prayer today needs to be

“God You need to become more in my life and I need to become less”

Maybe today you need to thank Jesus for humbling himself on the cross and ask him to examine your own selfishness and to destroy it.