ISD SESSION 4 (2)

• THE GOAL IS THE CREATE AN ATMOSPHERE OF OPEN COMMUNICATION

• THIS CAN BE CREATED IN EVERY MARRIAGE REPRESENTED HERE. NO MATTER WHAT KIND OF DIFFERENCES WE HAVE IN COMMUNICATION-ALL OF OUR GOALS ARE TO BE HEARD, UNDERSTOOD AND LOVED. THAT COMMANALITY IS ENOUGH!

o FEELING HEARD

GOD CREATED US WITH A NEED TO HAVE FELT HEARD

WHEN I FEEL YOU ARE HEARING ME THEN I CONNECT EMOTIONALLY.

YOU CARE

YOU VALUE

YOU LOVE

BEING HEARD

IS JUST BEING LOUD AND DECREASES VALUE

FEELING HEARD

IS BEING LOVED AND IT ADDS VALUE.

A PERSON MUST FEEL HEARD OR WE EVENTUALLY THEY WILL GIVE UP

GIVING UP LOOKS DIFFERENT DEPENDING ON THE PERSON

YOU CAN SCREAM AND YELL AND BE HEARD BUT NOT FEEL HEARD…HENCE WHY YOU ARE YELLING AND SCREAMING

STORY LEADING UP TO ISD....

BUSINESS WAS CRAZY- WORKING IN FIELD A LOT

WE HAD MINISTRY, ENCOUNTERS, ISD ON TOP OF KIDS, BASKETBALL ECT

AMANDA SAYS I FEEL STRESSED...........WHY IN THE WORLD ARE YOU STRESSED???

COLT-WHY DO YOU FEEL STRESSED, YOU SHOULDN’T BE STRESSED….

GIVING ALL THE REASONS AMANDA SHOULDN’T BE STRESSED

RESULTS......AMANDA DOESN’T FEEL HEARD & STRESS CONTINUES WE MUST FEEL HEARD OR WE EVENTUALLY GIVE UP

DEMANDING WHY OR ASKING WHAT HAPPENED

DO YOU DEMAND WHY OR ASK WHAT HAPPENED/ TELL ME ABOUT THAT

WHY CAUSES US TO DEFEND OUR POSITION OR FEELINGS

WHY CAUSES US TO LEAN OUT OF THE CONVERSATION

WHY-IT’S OUR FIRST RESPONSE MOST OF THE TIME

WHEN WE ASK WHY OUR SPOUSE FEELS THE WAY THEY DO OR TELL THEM WHY THEY SHOULDN’T FEEL THE WAY THEY DO

THEY LEAN OUT

IT HAS A NEGATIVE CONNOTATION…WHY DID YOU DO THAT

WHY FEELS UNKIND

UNKINDNESS IS REPELLING, WE SIMPLY MOVE AWAY FROM IT.

AMANDA FELT LIKE SHE HAD TO DEFEND WHY SHE HAD THE RIGHT TO FEEL STRESSED, WHICH CAUSED MORE STRESS AND THEN IN RETURN COLT FELT LIKE HE NEEDED TO TELL ME WHY HE WAS STRESSED, NOT HELPING MY SITUATION AT ALL…NOW WE ARE BOTH STRESSED AND BOTH FEEL UN-HEARD

IN THIS SITUATION AMANDA STARTED PULLING AWAY AND IT BROKE THE ATMOSPHERE OF OPEN COMMUNICATION

NEITHER OF US FELT HEARD & THEREFORE NEITHER OF US FELT LESS-STRESSED=NO HEALING

I DEMANDED WHY, WE BOTH LEANED OUT AND NOTHING WAS RESOLVED. THE FLOW OF PROVISION AND HEALING WAS STOPED.

WE NOT ONLY BROKE EMOTIONAL INTIMACY BUT SPIRITUAL INTIMACY WAS HINDERED AS WELL.

WHAT HAPPENED, TELL ME ABOUT THAT

WHATS HAPPENING

IMMERSES & DRAWS YOU INTO THEIR WORLD, SITUATION & FEELINGS

YOU ARE GETTING INTO THE GAME WITH THEM, GETTING OFF THE BENCH AND NOT SHOUTING COMMANDS

EXAMPLE- HAD WE APPLIED THIS TO OUR SITUATION IT WOULD HAVE WENT SOMETHING LIKE THIS:

LEARNED THIS FROM CONNECTION CODES, EMOTION WHEEL (SHORT EXPLANATION IF TIME)

A- I AM STESSED

C-WHATS GOING ON BABE

THIS WOULD HAVE GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO SHARE MY HEART AND THOUGHTS,

WHICH WOULD ALLOW FOR HEALING AND LEANING IN.

AND THE ATMOSPHERE OF OPEN COMMUNICATION REMAIN INTACT.

THIS WOULD HAVE ALSO OPENED THE DOOR FOR COLT TO SHARE WHAT WAS GOING ON CAUSING HIS STRESS

WHAT HAPPENED CAUSES US TO LEAN IN, WHY CAUSES US TO LEAN OUT

WHY-IT’S OUR FIRST RESPONSE MOST OF THE TIME, BUT LETS LOOK AT WHAT THAT 3 LETTER WORD DOES.

 WHEN WE ASK WHY OUR SPOUSE FEELS THE WAY THEY DO OR TELL THEM WHY THEY SHOULDN’T FEEL THE WAY THEY DO

o WHY HAS A NEGATIVE CONNOTATION

o FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO DEFEND YOUR POSITION

 AMANDA FELT LIKE SHE HAD TO DEFEND WHY SHE HAD THE RIGHT TO FEEL STRESSED, WHICH CAUSED MORE STRESS AND THEN COLT TO TELL ME WHY HE WAS STRESSED, NOT HELPING MY SITUATION AT ALL…NOW WE ARE BOTH STRESSED AND BOTH FEEL UN-HEARD

o WHY MAKES YOU LEAN OUT

o WE ARE WIRED TO MOVE AWAY FROM UNKINDNESS & TOWARD KINDNESS, WHY FEELS UNKIND

o ROMANS 2:4-THE KINDNESS OF GOD LEADS MEN TO REPENTANCE.

 AMANDA STARTED PULLING AWAY AND IT BROKE THE ATMOSPHERE OF OPEN COMMUNICATION

 NEITHER OF US FELT HEARD & THEREFORE NEITHER OF US FELT LESS-STRESSED=NO HEALING

 OPEN HEAVEN-POURING MANNA OF OPEN COMMUNICATION DOWN INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP

• SO WHAT CAN WE SAY?

o YOU MAY BE THINKING IF I CAN’T SAY WHY, WHAT CAN I SAY?

o WHAT HAPPENED, TELL ME WHATS GOING ON, WHAT’S HAPPENING

 THIS ALLOWS YOU TO EMERSE/DRAWING YOURSELF INTO THEIR WORLD, SITUATION AND FEELINGS

 YOUR GETTING INTO THE GAME W/ THEM, NOT SITTING ON THE BENCH SHOUTING COMMANDS

o BACK TO THE EXAMPLE

 AMANDA-I’M STRESSED

 COLT-TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON BABE

 IT GAVE ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO SHARE MY HEART AND THOUGHTS, WHICH WOULD ALLOW FOR HEALING AND LEANING IN. AND THE ATMOSPHERE OF OPEN COMMUNICATION REMAIN INTACT.

 ALSO OPEN THE DOOR FOR COLT TO SHARE WHAT WAS GOING ON CAUSING HIS STRESS

 WHAT HAPPENED CAUSES US TO LEAN IN

 NOW THAT WE KNOW THE MAGIC PHRASE, YOU HAVE THE SOLUTION TO ALL ISSUES!

 HA-WHEN WE LOSE OPEN COMMUNICAITON AND ARE HAVING A BAD DAY AND ONE BEGINS TO DEMAND WHY, IT’S IMPORTANT FOR THE ONE WHO FEELS LIKE LEANING OUT, NOT TO, BUT INSTEAD TO OPENLY COMMUNICATE THAT THEY ARE FEELING LIKE LEANING OUT RIGHT NOW.

 THIS IS HARD IN THE MOMENT, AND WILL TAKE PRACTICE & TIME

 AN ATMOSPHERE OF OPEN COMMUNICATION IS BEING CREATED, WHEN YOU FAIL, LEARN FROM IT AND KEEP BUILDING.

 WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE TIME TO ADDRESS AN ISSUE B/C YOU ARE GOING TO WORK, INTO CHURCH, OR WHATEVER…..

• TELL STORY OF DATE NIGHT (QUICKLY)

• RUNNING BEHIND B/C OF COLT, GRABBED THE WRONG TEACHING FROM THE PRINTER, STRESSED, BEFORE WE GOT OUT OF THE VEHICLE COLT GAVE ME A LOOK THAT MADE ME WANT TO GO HOME.

• BUT WE HAD A DATE NIGHT TO SPEAK AT

• SO WE WALKED IN

• WE WERE ABLE TO GET ALONE AND PRAY

o THIS DID NOT RESOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS BUT IT DID ALLOW US TO KNOW WE WERE GOING TO BE OK AND GAVE US THE STRENGTH & MIND-SET TO MINISTER TO THE COUPLES THERE.

• INSTEAD OF ALLOWING THE CONFLICT TO RUIN YOUR DAY,

o LEAN IN-

o COMMUNICATE THAT BOTH ARE FOR EACH OTHER

o WE LOVE EACH OTHER

o AND WE WILL RESOLVE THIS ISSUE LATER

o PRAY TOGETHER.

o ACTIVE LISTENING

o EVERYONE SHOULD BE QUICK TO LISTEN, SLOW TO SPEAK & SLOW TO BECOME ANGRY. JAMES 1:19

o THE DEFINITION OF ACTIVE LISTENING IS A WAY OF LISTENING AND RESPONDING TO ANOTHER PERSON THAT IMPROVES MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING.

o IT IS MORE THAN JUST HEARING YOUR SPOUSE.

o IT IS LISTENING WITH ALL YOUR SENSES & GIVING YOUR FULL ATTENTION TO YOUR SPOUSE WHEN THEY ARE SPEAKING

o ASKING CLARIFYING QUESTIONS IS KEY IN ACTIVE LISTENING

 AMANDA-WHEN YOU DID…IT HURT MY FEELINGS

 COLT-HEARING THAT PHRASE “FEELINGS ARE HURT”, TRIGGERS ANGERS IN ME B/C IF I’M BEING HONEST IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I’M FAILING AS A HUSBAND, SO I BEGIN TO LEAN OUT, MAKING A CASE FOR WHY HER FEELINGS SHOULDN’T E HURT, WHICH HURTS AMANDA’S FEELINGS DEEPER CAUSING HER TO LEAN OUT-PUSHING US FURTHER APART

 WE ARE LEARNING….NOW THE GOAL IS AMANDA WOULD SAY BABE WHEN YOU SAID XYZ IT TRIGGERED BLANK AND IT HURT MY FEELINGS, WHICH GIVES COLT AN INSIGHT INTO MY THOUGHTS AND NOT JUST “YOU HURT MY FEELINGS-YOU DIRTBAG” (DIDN’T SAY THAT BUT THAT’S WHAT HE HEARD). HE THEN CAN CLARIFY WHAT HE MEANT BY THE STATEMENT HE SAID THAT HURT MY FEELINGS. THIS ACTIVE LISTENING ALLOWS US TO LEAN INTO EACH OTHER AND REALLY HEAR THE HEART AND THOUGHTS OF OUR SPOUSE-CREATING THE ATMOSPHERE OF OPEN COMMUNICATION!

• WE KNOW THAT THERE ARE SOME CONFLICTS THAT ARE PAST-DRIVEN, FROM PAST HURTS AND CONFLICTS.

• WE ARE NOT ASKING YOU TO GO HOME AND DUMP OUT EVERYTHING OUT TO FIX IT TONIGHT

o DON’T GO BACK TO THE HOTEL AND DUMP OUT ALL THE TRASH YOU CAN FIND TO PRACTICE YOUR NEW SKILLS ON!

• THE GOAL IS THAT AS YOU ARE CREATING YOUR OPEN COMMUNICATION ATMOSPHERE AND AS YOU DO YOU ARE LITERALLY OPENING HEAVEN OVER YOUR MARRIAGE-BOTH OF YOU ARE BEING OPEN, VULNERABLE, CONVEYING THAT YOU ARE FOR EACH OTHER, ULTIMATELY LEANING IN…

• SO AS THINGS COME UP NATURALLY, TRIGGERS, YOU ARE EQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH THEM B/C YOU ARE PRACTICING OPEN COMMUNICATION SKILLS ON A DAILY BASIS

• BACK DATE NIGHT STORY OF COLT HURTING MY FEELINGS AND WE HAD TO WALK IN NOT IN UNITY, BUT WE WERE ABLE TO PRAY WHICH ALLOWED US TO COMPLETE THE MISSION GOD HAD FOR US..

COLT GOES INTO TALKING ABOUT THOSE IN THE ROOM WHO ARE CONTINUALLY PUTTING A SMILE ON…THEY ARE NOT LEANED INTO EACH OTHER…

LEAN IN, YOU MAY NEED TO LEAN OUT TOGETHER TO A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP (CHRISTIAN COUNSELOR, ANOTHER CHRISTIAN COUPLE) SO YOU CAN EVENTUALLY LEAN IN TOGETHER.

WE’VE GIVEN YOU AWESOME TOOLS TODAY IS THE DAY TO MAKE THE CHANGE—NOT TOMORROW, NOW