How to Date

Charting Course

review the series - talk about how dating and relationships today are confusing/chaotic and no one knows the rules

recap the previous lessons 1) gotta have a relationship with God first 2) singleness is a gift, to grow closer to God - if you cant stand being single you probably shouldnt date 3) you’re looking for someone with Christ, character, and chemistry

tonight we’re going to transition into How to date - what to do when you meet someone that you like, that you think meets the criteria we talked about last week

Setting Sail

So tonight we’re setting sail, we’ve done the prep work and tonight we’re finishing it off with a question

How should Christians date?

and what i mean by that is, what are things Christians should do while dating, and what are things Christians shouldnt do while dating

but to answer this question I think we first need to define dating

so what is dating?

should be a simple question right? but its kinda hard to answer - and the language today can get really complicated right? I asked my buddy the other day if he was dating this girl and he said, ugh well kinda, I guess we’re talking. Right, so we have talking, texting, snapchatting, we have almost dating, sometimes we have going on dating but not Boy friend girl friend - there is so much confusion in dating tody ami right?

so we’re gonna answer this question, what is dating but first I want to talk about what dating isnt

What dating isnt

Dating should not be a status

what is a status? its a state, your current position, a label you put on yourself - and so often what we want to do in highschool is pair off with someone with no real purpose - a status doesnt have movement

Most of our problems in relationships stem from this, and I think you’ll see what i mean as we go along

Dating is NOT a mini Marriage

dating isnt a marriage, under the bible dating isnt a covenant

What is dating?

I like Wikipedias defention actually

“Dating is a stage of romantic relationships practiced in Western societies whereby two people meet socially with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a prospective partner in a future intimate relationship”

TL;DR - dating is a process for evaluation

an evaluation for what? Marraige - and as soon as I say that I know you’re like “woah Ben i’m not trying to get married, i’m like in 8th grade”

but one of my good friends said it this way

you’re either dating with the goal of marraige, or you’re dating to get your heart broken

i’d add a third, you’re dating to satisfy a sinful desire

and so dating is not a status we sit in, it should be a process with movement - thats how the bible describes it. and i’m not telling you to get married, but if you’re dating someone who you know is not a kind of guy or girl you should marry, then GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP

and i know you guys are probably gonna ignore that, but i feel like i need to say it - much of the confusion of dating comes when we call it a status, instead of an evaluation process

How Should Christians date?

Prayerfully

1 Pet 5:7

1 Peter 5:7 ESV

casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

i think a lot of us would agree that dating can be stressful - so before you enter in to that, talk to the God of the Universe, talk to your Father - that seems so simple but how often is it that when we like a person God is often never in the conversation - we’ll tell our freinds, we’ll tell his friends maybe, maybe we’ll tell our parents - but so often we leave God out of this process when he should probably be first

With Clarity

Prov 24:26

Proverbs 24:26 (ESV)

Whoever gives an honest answer

kisses the lips.

Guys, dont play games

Girls, dont lead guys on

be honest - if you like someone, let them know - I know thats hard and can be really scary, but its so much better. And I think if we have a good grasp on the first two talks in this series, the singleness talk and the talk about your relationship with God, it makes this a lot easier.

With Autonomy

thats a big word, what does it mean

autonomy means “self rule” or “self governing” and so what do i mean when I say we need to date with autonomy?

it means you need to be your own person - when you start dating someone they dont control you - and i have seen so many relationships where this is the case

different types relationships in the bible (show chart) you are either brother or sister OR man and wife. And when you’re brother and sister there are a lot of bible verses that talk about how you can interact. But then when you enter in to the covenant of marraige, you get a whole nother set of bible verese talking about the privilleges and responsiblities of being husband and wife.

The problem we have today is that so often we try to do this (hit next animation) - we create our own category that crosses the line called “boy friend, girl friend”

and what we’re doing when we do that is we’re saying now i have certain privilleges because she’s mine, or i have certain responsibilities because she is my girlfreind - so now that we’re boyfriend and girlfreind he has to call me at this time on this night or else, or he has to hang out with me on the weekends.

and that leads us in to our next point

With Purity

Eph 5:3

Ephesians 5:3 ESV

But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.

The bible has a lot to say about purity and it takes it really seriously - that Christian people are supposed to be people that run from sexual sin and brokeness and and pursue holiness - but so often Christians are just as bad as non Christian relationship - we’re just not as open about it, or we’re just better at hiding it

why is purity important?

Purity helps us evaluate - when you start to inject sex and physicality into dating it can be really hard to evaluate someone’s character. You become mentally addicted to touching them instead of falling in love with their personality

purity keeps us from getting hurt - like i said, we can get addicted to people. And the more sex and physicallity you mix in your dating relationship, it releases a dopimine and correlates it to that person - so when you break up with someone who you had a lot of physicallity with, you are litterly going through withdraws, similar to that of drug addiction. Not only that, the bible tells us that sex is a mingling of souls - when you have sex its more than just physical its spiritual

purity helps us stay focused on God - if you try to walk the Christian life while not chasing after purity in your dating relationship, its only going to lead to shame and guilt. And all that will do is drive you away from God

purity prepares us for marriage - the place where intimacy and sex is intended for is inside the covenant of marraige, a promise and a bond that says I will be with you through everything and under God I give my life to you - thats when you get to mingle your souls

and I know as soon as i bring this up, some of you might feel a wave of shame, becuase you’ve already failed in this area. I want you to know there is grace for you tonight. there is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus, If anyone is in Christ he is a new creation - so whatever your past is, Christ died to forgive that - there is grace for you brother, sister. BUT that doesnt serve as a liscence to keep on sinning. If you just keep on sinning because you know you’re covered by the Grace of Jesus, than you dont understand the grace of God at all and you probably havent received it

How far is too far?

1 Tim 5:1-2

1 Timothy 5:2 (ESV)

Treat older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.

how far is too far with your mom? how far is too far with your sister?

so be careful - so often christians set the line at just not having sex - but we’re called to such a higher standard than than

guys - treat girls like their daughters of the King and if that doesnt do it, treat them like you’d want someone to treat your daughter

girls - dont date someone who pressusures you sexually - dont date someone thats only dating you for your body - what that shows me is he cares more about himself than he does you

Lets talk Boundries

so lets get some specifics - but also know what gets you, ask yourself where are yall most tempted, when do we make bad choices

don’t make out

don’t get horizontal

dont hang out alone in a dark room or bedroom

be careful with technology (i know how snapchat be) -

and you might be thinking these are silly - but if this is a problem for you (which it probably will be) you need safeguards and boundries to help you. If you’re trying to follow Christ and you are dating someone - than you need barriars in place that will help you not fall in to sin

And if you arent serious about fighting sexual sin in your relationship than you arent in christian or godly relationship - you might call yourselfs chrsitians and you might be christians, but if you arent concerned with sexual sin in your relationship than your relationship isnt build on Christ and the Word

and if you’re sitting there saying this isnt even my struggle Ben, why you hitting this so hard? if it isnt your struggle, i promise you its some of your friends struggle, and if its not your struggle now, it will be as you get older, as you go off to college - this is everyones struggle eventually so you need to know this, you need to fight for purity

so you might be asking then what are we supposed to do?

In Community

Prov 11:14

Proverbs 11:14 ESV

Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.

you’re going to have the urge to pair off - but I think if you resist this you’ll have a healthier relationship.

One - you wanna see how this person interacts with people thats part of the evaluating

spend time in groups, spend time with each others paretns - you can learn a lot about someone based on their parents

With a Heavenly Perspective

Philippians 3:8-10

Philippians 3:8–10 (ESV)

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,