Developing Self Control
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28 A man without self-control is as defenseless as a city with broken-down walls.
Anything that’s uncontrolled eventually will destroy you. It can be eating, drinking, sex, television, chocolate, spending, pecan pie… anything that’s not controlled will eventually destroy you.
So we have been looking at Values to Live By and tonight we will look at Self Control.
This is not a popular topic today, but one that’s needed. Most people want to look at how to have more fun, make more money etc. tonight we will look at specifically one area of self control that is completely out of control in our culture and that’s controlling our anger.
This has to do with all of us in some way. You may not blow up… you may clam up. You are either a skunk or a turtle. When a skunk gets mad, it sprays the person that made it mad and stinks up the place. On the other hand, the turtle draws back into his shell.
Turtles usually marry skunks. One of you will let it all out and the other clams up. One of you makes life exciting while the other keeps you both out of trouble. Both need to learn how to deal with anger in a better way so they are not over whelmed by their emotions.
In our culture today, it’s obvious that we don’t know how to handle anger. Violence is at an all time high. Every area of violent crime is up in almost every city. Did you know that many of the murders that take place are among family members? Then even more murders are among people who know each other. Every week in NO east, someone gets shot driving on the interstate. You don’t dare give anyone the ugly eye while driving now because they may just up and shoot you. People are frustrated and the anger level is climbing.
Where is all this anger coming from?
I think it comes from the fact we live in this fast paced, microwave society where we expect results in minutes to complex issues. Add 2 years almost of COVID regulations and the politics of that along with the ugliness of politics in general. People have gone left and right and become polarized in their positions. Social media has stripped a generation of learning how to interact with people face to face. People will say things on Social Media they would never say face to face. Our media saturates the news with all kinds of violent behavior and they post headlines and stories for ratings, not to deliver the news. It’s all about money for them.
Add the fact that we have politicized a disease and the vaccine to help prevent that disease we have become divided… possibly even more so than anything else right now.
All of this has brought a lot of frustration into our culture we are in today.
So tonight we will look at what God says about how to control our anger. First let me say this.
Anger is not a sin
Anger is not a sin
In the bible we see that God gets angry so it cannot be a sin to get angry. The bible even says be angry and don’t sin. Jesus got angry. So it’s not the anger that’s sin, its how we express it. God gave you and me the capacity to get angry, but we have to learn to use it wisely.
If you don’t learn how to use your anger wisely, it will destroy you. But if you use it in the correct way, managed anger can be an asset.
There are things in this world that happen where the only proper response in anger. injustice, someone is taken advantage of, violence should make us angry as a society, your children being hurt by someone…
So I am not telling you tonight that God is saying to get rid of all of your anger. What I am saying is that God wants you and I to learn how to express it and use it the way he wants us to.
Solomon in the Proverbs gives us seven specific steps we can utilize in our lives to control anger.
How to control my anger
How to control my anger
1. I need to Decide to control it
1. I need to Decide to control it
First, we have to take responsibility for our anger and stop saying that we can’t control ourselves.
13 For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.
Paul stated that we can do anything through Christ who gives us the strength. So we have to stop making excuses and accept responsibility for our own anger.
11 Stupid people express their anger openly, but sensible people are patient and hold it back.
When I read verses like this, I always ask God to help me not be there stupid person. He says that sensible people are patient and hold it (anger) back. Anger, like every other emotion, is a choice. When I worry, that’s a choice. When I get depressed, that’s a choice. When I am happy, that’s a choice and when I am angry, thats a choice that I make.
You may not like to admit it, but you have a lot more control over your emotions including anger than you know.
Have you ever had a fight with someone… phone rings and you answer nice?
So you have more control over your anger than you think you do. That’s why the Bible says we can control it. You decide in advance how you will control it. You have to decide before you hit a boiling point and develop strategies to deal with it.
You may wonder why we should control our anger?
2. I need to realize there is a cost to uncontrolled anger
2. I need to realize there is a cost to uncontrolled anger
Anger has a price tag and when you realize that you are more likely to control it.
Here is what the Bible says about uncontrolled anger.
22 A hot-tempered man starts fights and gets into all kinds of trouble.
18 Hot tempers cause arguments, but patience brings peace.
29 A wise man controls his temper. He knows that anger causes mistakes.
17 Short-tempered people do foolish things, and schemers are hated.
Hot tempered people get into trouble all the time. They cause arguments and start fights. They also make mistakes. You lose your mental capability when your anger blows up. Anyone besides me ever done or said something really stupid when they were angry?
Look at this one…
29 The fool who provokes his family to anger and resentment will finally have nothing worthwhile left. He shall be the servant of a wiser man.
You lose when you lose your temper. You will lose your reputation… your kids… the love of your spouse… your job… When you let anger go uncontrolled, you lose. That’s a big price tag and it’s not worth it.
3. I need to learn to Restrain my mouth
3. I need to learn to Restrain my mouth
We have go to learn to think before we open our mouth and throw up on people.
23 Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble.
We all need to learn that one. If you learn to keep your mouth shut, you won’t put your foot in it. The Bible says that even a fool sounds wise if he says nothing. Keep control of your mouth and you will stay out of trouble. Anger is in a big way, about mouth control.
But the problem is we all like to talk. The more we talk, the more likely we are to say the wrong thing. crimes are solved because criminals keep talking.
If you have 30 conversations per day, you will spend 1/5 of your life talking. In one year, that’s enough words to fill up 53,000 pages of books.
Someone said the average man speaks 20,000 words per day while the average woman speaks 30,000 words per day. Both of you go to work and you come home from work and your wife has a 10,000 word surplus while you are talked out. It can be the other way around…
A wise old owl sat in an oak. And the more he saw, the less he spoke. The less he spoke, the more he heard. Let’s try to be more like that bird.
We have to learn to restrain our mouths. James, the half brother of Jesus gives us a formula.
19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,
If you do the first two, the last one is automatic. If you are quick to listen and slow to speak, it’s inevitable that you will be slow to become angry.
On the other hand, if you are slow to listen and quick to speak your mind, you will be an angry person. The Bible says that it starts with controlling our mouths and it also says that no one can control their mouths with only their own power. It takes God’s power in us to do this and it’s possible with his help. There is a lot said today about emotional intelligence and controlling your mouth is showing emotional intelligence.
There are some things that people have been taught about anger that are not true. These are mythos about anger.
Common myths about anger
Common myths about anger
Myth 1- Everyone has a set amount of anger like a bucket of water.
Myth 1- Everyone has a set amount of anger like a bucket of water.
When the bucket is full, you have to pour it out. We think we have to pour it on someone so that we get rid of the anger. One problem with that is it doesn’t work because you have a factory of anger that keeps producing it.
Myth 2 - If I can just get rid of it in an outburst, I’ll feel better.
Myth 2 - If I can just get rid of it in an outburst, I’ll feel better.
Anger produces more anger. Aggression produces more Aggression.
We have to learn to control our mouths.
4. I need to learn to reflect before reacting.
4. I need to learn to reflect before reacting.
Think before you speak. Don’t respond impulsively.
11 A rebel shouts in anger; a wise man holds his temper in and cools it.
IOW - Chill out. Calm down. That’s the way you deal with it.
Delay is a great remedy for anger. Don’t stuff it down, but delay it. The longer you delay your response, the more your temper improves.
If you have an issue with someone, chill… delay for a bit then go talk with them after your anger level is not through the roof and you say things that you regret.
If you respond impulsively, you are more likely to respond in anger which is not going to end well. So delay your response… not indefinitely because that will make it worse. But delay it long enough to analyze it.
While you are doing that, here is a short acrostic that might help.
THINK
THINK
T - Is it truthful
T - Is it truthful
Before you say something, is it the truth.
H - Is it helpful
H - Is it helpful
Or is it going to hurt them.
I - Is it inspirational?
I - Is it inspirational?
Does it build up or does it tear down?
N - Is it necessary?
N - Is it necessary?
If it’s not, don’t say it. Don’t be like Raymond’s mother in Everybody loves Raymond. Something are not necessarily wrong, they’re not necessary so you don’t need to say them.
K - Is it kind?
K - Is it kind?
If you are not saying it our of love and kindness, don’t say it.
Think before you speak… Reflect before reacting.
During the delay, try to figure out why you are angry? Try to understand what’s really going on.
11 A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.
So what so you do? Ask yourself these three questions.
1. Why am I angry? What’s the cause behind it?
1. Why am I angry? What’s the cause behind it?
2. What do I really want?
2. What do I really want?
3. How can I get it?
3. How can I get it?
Blowing up is usually not what you really want nor will it get you what you really want.
You need to understand that when you get angry, that’s not the real problem. It’s a symptom of the real problem but it’s not the problem. It’s a warning light… It’s going something is wrong here.
When you think about it, there are three basic causes of anger. Hurt, frustration, or fear. Understanding the cause will help you deal with the anger.
Hurt - have you ever stumped your toe? hit your thumb with a hammer? Your reaction is not one of hurt, it’s anger. That’s the emotion coming out but it’s caused by hurt.
In relationships, , someone may be angry with you, but they are really just hurt. They may say, you make me so mad… but it’s really hurt. You have hurt them and they are reacting to that hurt. If they said, hey, that really hurt me and it makes me feel this way… it would make it easier for you to be sympathetic.
Frustration also causes anger. Anytime things are not going the way we want we get frustrated.
Fear - We always get angry when we are afraid. The more insecure people are the more they struggle with their temper. People who are self secure in Christ are more confident, they know where they stand with God so they are not as likely to be angry at things. It’s when we are insecure … when we feel threatened… thats when you see people going off… buying guns… acting crazy.
Typically, we don’t like to admit we are even angry. You’re angry… no Im not… Why is it that we don’t want to admit it? It’s an emotion God gave you and it’s appropriate in certain circumstances… hurt, frustrated or afriad… It’s just how we deal with it that makes the difference.
5. I need to learn to release my anger appropriately
5. I need to learn to release my anger appropriately
26 If you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin, and do not stay angry all day.
Look at that verse. does it ion any way indicate that you can be angry and not sin? Yes it does. It says if you become angry, don’t let it lead you into sin. It’s not automatically a sin to get angry. There are appropriate ways and inappropriate ways to get angry. There are helpful ways and harmful ways. It’s all in how you deal with it. The problem is that most of us express our anger in ways that get us into more trouble and further from our goals… instead of moving closer to our goal.
So how should we deal with our anger.
1. Don’t suppress you anger
1. Don’t suppress you anger
Don’t hold in in and store it. Your body will suffer with different ailments. Your body will keep score of how you deal with it.
2. Don’t repress it
2. Don’t repress it
Repression doesn’t just push it down, repression denies it’s there. You pretend that you a fine. Denial. When you deny it enough it will turn into depression. When you deny that you are angry, you are lying to yourself, God and others and that’s sin.
3. Don’t express it in inappropriate ways.
3. Don’t express it in inappropriate ways.
Don’t pout. Don’t lash out… don’t be a skunk or a turtle. Don’t be sarcastic or try to manipulate. Don’t become passive aggressive. There all sorts of ways people express anger in inappropriate ways… violence… drinking.. using drugs. When you do any of these, you are hurting yourself. Here is what you need to do.
4. Confess it
4. Confess it
Admit that you are angry… admit the cause. Say I am upset and here is why… hurting… frustrated… afraid. Look at this verse.
24 Don’t befriend angry people or associate with hot-tempered people, 25 or you will learn to be like them and endanger your soul.
This verse says that anger is contagious. When people get angry at you and shout at you, what is your natural reaction? to get angry and yell back. Anger is contagious. This happens all the time in families and in the workplace and lately everywhere.
If we hang around with people who lose it all the time, we will become like them. How we express our anger is a learned behavior. It’s not genetic. It’s learned.
Here is the good news. If you learned to handle it wrong, you can unlearn the negative reactions. And God will give you the power to do it. You don’t have to stay the same, you can change with God’s help.
Decide to control it… realize there is a cost… restrain your mouth… reflect before reacting release your anger in appropriate ways… confess it and admit the reasons for it to the Lord.
6. I need to learn to Return Good for evil
6. I need to learn to Return Good for evil
Never let other people control you by choosing to react to them. Booker T. Washington once said,
"I will never let another man control my life by making me hate him."
When you say, you make me mad, you are admitting that they control me. You have given them the power to control you.
God says that the way to take back control of the situation is by returning good for evil. It’s easy to retaliate. You don’t feel good when you do, but it’s easy. But when you respond with good, it puts you in a superior position… a position of strength because you have control.
17 Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. 18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. 19 Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord. 20 Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.” 21 Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.
Listen, bad things are going to happen. You will be hurt… you will be frustrated… you will be afraid. You can either spend all your time retaliating or you can let God settle the score. He says I will take revenge.... God is a just God and he will settle the score for injustice in life… maybe not here but in eternity.
All of these steps are helpful, but the last one is vital and ties all the previous ones together.
7. I need to ask for God’s Help
7. I need to ask for God’s Help
God will help you do the other 6 things: Decide to control it… realize there is a cost… Restrain your mouth… reflect before reacting… respond and return good for evil. He will give yo the power to do it.
3 Lord, help me control my tongue; help me be careful about what I say.
How does God help us control our mouths? How does he help us control our anger?
By going directly to the heart. It’s not your mouth that gets you in trouble, it’s your heart. It’s not what I say that’s the problem, it’s what I think that comes out.
If you are filled up with hurt, frustration and fear causing anger, you will be like a tube of toothpaste… When the world puts pressure on you, anger is going to squeeze out of you onto whomever.
Jesus talked about this in this verse...
34 You brood of snakes! How could evil men like you speak what is good and right? For whatever is in your heart determines what you say.
It’s a heart issue. What’s in our hearts comes out of our mouths. If I have encouraging words for people, I am probably a happy person. If I have sarcastic mean words coming out, I am probably an unhappy person.
17 This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!
God changes the heart. David prayed for God to give him an new heart and that’s what God does when we receive Jesus as our Savior. God specializes in heart transplants. Therapy won’t do it… self help books won’t do it… only God.
God gives you a new attitude… he changes your mind. He changes your heart so you are not so angry anymore. When Jesus deals with your anger, he deals with the root cause.
You are angry because you are insecure, he will tell you how to be secure. He will replace your insecurity with confidence.
When you are hurt, he replaces that hurt with love no matter who or how badly you have been hurt.
When you feel frustration, he will replace it with his peace.
When you say I can’t control it, he says he can - trust him. Anger will dissipate and peace that passes all understanding will come in.
15 And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.
When you pick up a crying baby, that baby's crying because he may be mad. But when you pick the baby up and comfort it and that baby feels secure, the baby stops crying. When you realize how secure you are in God's love, that He will never stop loving you, that He has a plan for your life and that He will help you with every issue in your life that you turn over to Him, that's what Jesus Christ said He came to do. You can relax and you don't have to be angry any more
Altar time -
God is speaking to many of us here tonight. You may be a skunk or a turtle, a pouter or a manipulator, you may be bitter… but God is speaking to you. God says, let me do heart surgery on you tonight. Will you give me your heart? If you do, God will take it and make it new. He will exchange your frustration, hurt, fear for his power, his peace and his love.
How many of you tonight want the peace of God in your life?
Jesus, I need Your power and Your peace and Your love in my life. I need to stop trying to control everything and let you have control so I can relax and trust in you. I want the peace og Gos in my life beginning tonight. Give me the power to take these steps we learned tonight. Jesus I want you to be #1 in my life… I give you my heart tonight. In Jesus name amen.