12 - Be Reconciled
Be Reconciled
“Christians in Conflict”
- Mt 5:23-26, Mk 9:50, Mt 18:15, Lk 17:3-4
Last week we talked about Anger… I think we came to a consensus that we all deal with anger… This week we are going to be looking at what it means to be reconciled… Anger often leads to conflict, which leads to broken relationships, which in turn requires that we seek reconciliation.
The word “reconcile” means to restore friendship or harmony… So this morning we are taking about restoring friendships and bring harmony back into the body of Christ.
Jesus desires that we resolve conflict with fellow Christians and that we live life in healthy biblical community. Most of us have experienced what unresolved conflict does to a community… it causes division, breaks relationships, and ultimately it can cause a community or local church to die.
Our relationships are important to God… especially, relationships between believers… Listen to the words that Jesus prayed for us before he was crucified…
John 17:20-21 (ESV)
20 “I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, 21 that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me.
Jesus prayed for unity among believers… The world is looking to the Church to see if the words we preach are real… The way we conduct our relationships with each other is a testimony to the love of Christ… If we cannot love each other, the world will never believe that God can love them… So when there are broken relationships between believers it is a negative testimony to the world and causes doubt about the reality of Christ to those who don’t believe….
Therefore when there is conflict among believers we must deal with it quickly and resolve to bring unity back into our relationships… The issue is bigger than your own hang ups or offenses… the real issue is the testimony of Christ in the world…
That said, let me share with you two life lesson I have learned about conflict…
1. EXPECT CONFLICT ... even amongst Christians. Can you believe that there is actually conflict in the Church… I thought Christians were always supposed love each other and get along…
You cannot build deep meaningful relationships with out conflict. It is virtually impossible… If you could have deep meaningful relationship with out conflict then married people should always get along, right?
I believe the deeper the relationship the more chance there is for conflict…
So we need to understand from the start… that if we are truly going to live in relationship then conflict is part of the process.
Ephesians 5:15-16 (ESV)
15 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.
So let’s be wise and acknowledge that conflict is part of being in relationship… and if it is part of being in relationship, let’s agree together to approach conflict as a positive thing that can, if we allow it, take us deeper in relationship…
Sometimes conflict comes when we let our guard down in our walk with God. We get into a comfort zone where we fail to put on the armor of God daily, and we aren’t careful with our speech and our emotions. When our guard is down it is easy for us to be misunderstood, to mis-communicate, or to have our emotions stepped on that brings misunderstandings.
Sometimes Conflict is necessary to bring correction when there is error or sin…
Sometimes conflict is needed to bring unity… When there is disagreement sometime conflict is required to bring about healthy compromise that leads to agreement…
Sometimes conflict is good.
Sometimes conflict is bad but one thing we can count on is that if we are going to live in community conflict will happen.
SO WE NEEED TO LEARN TO
2. Deal With It! ... Quickly!
When we leave conflict unresolved it leads to apathy, resentment, bitterness, slander, and even revenge…
And another thing… time will not heal conflict… relationships are never restored through lack of communication and separation… NEVER!!!!!
- \\ Ephesians 4:26 (ESV)
*26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,
The worst thing you can do in a conflict is not deal with it… let me clarify here… not every offense constitutes a confrontation… I believe that before you ever confront someone you must pray for discernment… and ask God to search your motives… Sometimes it is better to let sleeping dogs lie… but only if you can continue in relationship without bitterness or resentment…
Ecclesiastes 7:20-22 (ESV)
20 Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins. 21 Do not take to heart all the things that people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you. 22 Your heart knows that many times you yourself have cursed others.
We need to have thicker skin… we all get frustrated… we all blow off steam…
1 Corinthians 6:7 (ESV)
7 To have lawsuits at all with one another is already a defeat for you. Why not rather suffer wrong? Why not rather be defrauded?
For the sake of unity amongst believers sometimes it is better just to suffer the wrong for the sake of unity in the body of Christ….
That said if you cannot let it go, if you know it is causing stress in the relationship, if you know that you are holding resentment, anger, or bitterness towards another believer then you must deal with it and deal with it sooner than later.
LET ME SHARE WITH YOU 5 BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES OF RECONCILIATION:
1. “GO” - Don’t wait for the other person to take the initiative.
Matthew 5:23-24 (ESV)
23 So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
Jesus says that if you know someone has an issue with you… that is getting in the way of relationship… Then you need to go to that person and be reconciled… Even if you do not think there is an issues, if you know that someone is holding something against you then you have the responsibility to be reconciled to your brother or sister in Christ….
Jesus says that reconciliation takes priority over worship… That means reconciliation is important to Jesus!
Now listen to: Matthew 18:16 (ESV)
15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
So in Matthew 5 Jesus says if you know your brother has something against you, you are to go and be reconciled and in Matthew 18 Jesus says if you have something against your brother go and deal with it…
We all need to hear this... This is very important: If you know there is an issue that is causing a break in relationship… it doesn’t matter who is at fault you need to do something about it…
It is your responsibility as a Christian to be reconciled (PERIOD)
If you know someone has something against you, do something about it.
GOING is hardest part because it means we have to swallow our pride. It means we may have to admit to ourselves and the other person that we blew it. It means that we actually have to talk about it. Don’t use e-mail… Don’t write letters unless there is no other option… the Bible says go to that person… Go sit face to face and deal with it.
I WANT TO CLARIFY ANOTHER THING HEAR AS WELL… BOTH IN MATT 5 AND IN MATT 18 IT SAYS “YOU GO”
People… you cannot take up other people’s offenses… It’s not healthy, it doesn’t foster unity, and it’s not biblical… It is not your responsibility to get involved or take sides in an issue or conflict unless you are directly involved in it. Your responsibility is to encourage those involved to go and be reconciled to each other… That’s it…
Now if you have tried to work it out face to face and that has not worked then Mathew 18 gives some direction on how to move forward… but you must first honestly try to reconcile one to another… then you can bring one or two others in on the conflict, then bring it to the church…
Matthew 18:15-17 (ESV)
15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
When it comes to conflict Jesus says that we are not to wait for the other guy to come to us… We are to take the responsibility to initiate reconciliation… WE ARE TO GO AND BE RECONCILED TO OUR BROTHER
So the first principle is to “GO” the second is to
2. LISTEN… Ask for clarification of the issue.
Remember last week:
James 1:19 (ESV)
19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;
After you GO to the person you need to be reconciled too, the first thing you must do is make sure that you are on the same page regarding whatever it is you are at odds about.
MAKE SURE YOU BOTH UNDERSTAND THE CONFLICT. That requires that you listen to each other…
If you go with an agenda wanting to speak your mind… chances are you will not find reconciliation… but if you go intent on hearing the other person you might find out that there really is no conflict but instead a miscommunication… I find this to be the case in most conflicts…
If you go intent on hearing you might find out that there is an issue… But the issue that created the conflict is not the issue… Remember from last week “the issue is rarely the issue…”
You might just find out that you had offended or hurt someone in a way you never intended to.
You also might find out that it is all just a big misunderstanding.
And sometimes you will find that you were not wrong about anything.
You were right Biblically, you did all you could Biblically to make the right decision, and you are totally in the right. But you can be 100% right and still lose relationally if you respond with an “I’m right, you’re wrong, get over it,” attitude…
Remember 1 Corinthians 13…
1 Corinthians 13:1-2 (ESV)
1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
Or you could say if I am 100% totally right but have not love I have gained nothing… and in the process have lost a brother… Our motivation even in being right must be love. We must always speak the truth in love…
Ephesians 4:25 (ESV)
25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.
When it come to resolving conflict first you must “go” take the initiative then you must “listen” so that you can determine what the true issue is…
The third principle in reconciliation is to…
3. SPEAK - Ask for forgiveness.
As hard as it is to admit we might be at fault about something, it’s even harder to ask for forgiveness…
But we can’t just assume someone has forgiven us. We need to ask for it. We need to say the words, “Will you forgive me,” or “I need your forgiveness.”
It’s not the words that are so important; it’s the fact that you are willing to verbalize your need for that person’s forgiveness.
Let’s move on to the fourth principle for reconciling with others, and that is to…
4. REPENT - Resolve to not repeat the offense.
To repent means to change your thinking in such a way as to change your actions… it means to do a 180 degree about face and move in the opposite direction…
Don’t just hope to get the slate wiped clean so you can dirty it up again.
That is not what Jesus teaches about forgiveness… we are to go and sin no more…
When someone continues to do the very thing he has sought forgiveness for that tells me that maybe you really have not repented in the first place.
Now that you recognize what you’ve done, you need to change your behavior and attitudes about that offensive thing.
You can’t just say, “Well, that’s just the way I am.”
Let me tell you something in love: that’s not good enough. It is not ok to excuse bad behavior because of your personality…
God gives us a particular temperament, but He never gives us an excuse to hurt others with it.
If you really believe in the life-changing power of Jesus, then you will allow Him to do His work in you so that you will be more conformed to His image, rather than hanging on to something you know has hurt someone.
And here’s the last principle we will look at regarding reconciliation, and that is..
5. FORGIVE If you are the “offendee,” FORGIVE!
By definition forgiveness means to give up resentment…
In biblical terms forgiveness means to remove guilt resulting from wrong doing… The emphasis on Biblical forgiveness is on the guilt of the wrong doer and not upon the actions or offenses… In the original language the terms forgive means to blot out or wipe away… obviously you cannot blot out what has been done but you can blot out or wipe away the guilt.
I want you to understand that to forgive someone does not mean that you say “it is ok” forgiveness does not mean that you justify their actions or approve of what has been done… Otherwise when God forgives us of our sin He would be approving of sin… and we know that God hates sin and never approves of our sinful ways.
This is my working definition of forgiveness.
Forgiveness means that you purpose to live in fellowship with the guilty party and fully accept the consequences of his or her actions without resentment or demanding justice and repayment for yourself.
Reconciliation is not a one-way street! It takes both of you to bring full healing to the relationship.
When someone comes to you seeking forgiveness, then give it! Don’t hold back your forgiveness,
Is that hard to understand?
They’ve made the effort on their part to seek forgiveness, now it’s time for you to offer forgiveness in
away that they understand and can accept.
There is no limit on our forgiveness.
Matthew 18:21-22 (ESV)
21 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.
How many times did Jesus say we are to forgive someone who hurts us? Jesus isn’t saying forgive 490 times and then on the 491st time you get to say “You Fool” The point is if you count how many times you’re forgiving someone, then you haven’t really forgiven them in the first place.
How many of you are glad God doesn’t count when it comes to our forgiveness?
The Bottom line is: When someone asks for forgiveness we need to FORGIVE.
SO 5 BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES FOR RECONCILIATION
1. GO
2. LISTEN
3. ASK
4. REPENT
5. FORGIVE
As we wrap things up this morning listen to proverbs…
Proverbs 17:9 (ESV)
9 Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.
Remember the story from Genesis Chapter 9? Noah after the flood planted a vineyard made some wine and got drunk… So drunk that he was laying passed out and naked… not a good position for a Godly man to be in…it was shameful and sinful…
Ham, Noah’s youngest son sees his father passed out and naked. What does he do? He runs out and tells his brothers about his father’s sin… The two older brothers get a blanket and walk in backwards so not to see Noah’s nakedness and cover him up…
Ham was cursed for exposing Noah’s nakedness but Shem and Japeth were blessed for covering their father’s sin…
Listen to Proverbs again
Proverbs 17:9 (ESV)
9 Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.
When we seek reconciliation it’s not about exposing people faults, weaknesses, or wrongs… I think too many times we are seeking justice or revenge not reconciliation… We want the world to know that we have been wronged and until there is a public confession we are not satisfied…
We go under the guise of seeking reconciliation but our heart says “I’m not forgiving that person until everyone knows what happened and that person gravels and begs for mercy…then I might find it in my heart to offer forgiveness…” and then we say “I’ll forgive them but we’ll never be friends again…”
That is not reconciliation… True reconciliation tries to keep the knowledge of sin as minimal as possible… it’s about finding a covering for the offense… and restoring true biblical fellowship…
Matthew 18:15(ESV) 15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
Jesus says go to him alone, if he listens, remember listen… If he listens, you have gained a brother… It’s covered there is no need to expose any more… and you are to reengage in relationship… There is no reconciliation unless there is restored relationship. Jesus does not give us permission to write people off… Even in Matthew 18:17 when it says “And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” The purpose of that is to bring about reconciliation… even when someone refuses to be reconciled…
Is there a limit on reconciliation? Yes!
You can only be responsible for your part of the process… You cannot control how the other person will respond…
Romans 12:18 (ESV) 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
But even when the other person does not respond to your attempts at reconciliation, when the other party does not grant nor receive forgiveness… Holding a grudge does absolutely no good for anybody.
You need to let it go. That may take some real time, because some of you have been hurt terribly, and the person who has done it has no intention of repenting and asking forgiveness.
But even if the other party refuses to be reconciled you can choose to not dwell on it. You can choose to give it God… and to extend forgiveness… even if it is not received.
This morning I challenge you to seek reconciliation… If you have been hurt by a brother or sister… Go be reconciled, If you have hurt a brother or sister Go be reconciled…
Jesus doesn’t give us an option… as far as it depends on you live at peace with everyone…
Let’s pray.