Merge: Biblical Roles in Marriage

Introduction

Good morning, friends! My name is Matt Velasco, I have the privilege of serving as our High School Pastor here at Grace Eden Prairie. I’ve been here at Grace for just over a year now, and have been in full-time ministry for 4 years. I graduated from Bethel University and am currently pursuing my master's at Liberty University. But, my proudest accomplishment to date is most certainly marrying my wife, Jae. We just celebrated our first anniversary and we met when I was a senior at Bethel and dated for about 3 years before we got married. Here’s a picture of her and our pup named Kirby. He’s about 8 months old.

And I have the opportunity to talk about Biblical Roles in marriage…or what I think is more fitting, “God’s design for marriage”

Now, if you’re like me, especially you guys, then the phrase “Biblical Roles in Marriage” is a little daunting. I remember writing a letter to my dad (Yes we write letters back and forth occasionally, we’re old school like that) a few months after Jae and I got married essentially asking him to tell me what the heck I’m supposed to be doing because going from dating to married is a huge jump in terms of my responsibility as the husband to my wife and her responsibility to me as her husband. Luckily, the Bible is a very helpful handbook for us as we step into and journey through marriage. So, if you’re wondering “Why In the world should I listen to a dude who's only been married for a year?” know that everything I’m going to say was said by Jesus through His words in the Bible- so this isn’t unique to me.

But, with all of that being said, I’ve learned over the past year that talking about Biblical roles in marriage is incredibly important, because if we don’t get this right then we aren’t doing this thing called Marriage the way God intends for us too. It's hugely important!

Before we dive in, how many of you are seriously dating and not yet engaged? How many of you are engaged? Married?

Next question, as you think about marriage- how many of you want a fulfilling, joyful, fun, passionate, mutually affirming marriage?

This is the first step. Understanding God’s intended design for our roles in marriage is the first step to having that type of marriage! Jae & I have a couple that has mentored us for a couple of years now and they have a phrase that has stuck with me, “When your marriage is Biblical hard days are half as hard and good days are twice as good.” Doesn’t that sound like the type of marriage you want?!

Let's talk about what Biblical marriage roles look like, we’re going to go quick and read quite a bit of scripture! So buckle up.

Content

God has a design for marriage, in order to learn how to fulfill the roles we have to understand the design. So let's start with that,

God’s Design

God is a God of order, not chaos, and in the family; his order is that the husband is the head of the household. pause… everyone doing okay? Let's be honest in today's day and age that can cause some recoiling to happen. Where does the Bible say that?

1 Corinthians 11:3 “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.”

Now, this isn’t really that surprising. Think about it practically. Every organization, healthy ones at least, has a head. Whether it's in business, government, or even the Church! One couple said, “The ‘buck’ has got to stop somewhere and in the home, it’s with the husband.” Now, this is actually a great place of protection for wives and children. If something goes wrong in a marriage, the leadership of this church is going straight to the man of the house to start asking questions. And so this is a really big responsibility for us men.

Men, are you starting to see the seriousness of the role of being a husband?

Don’t get it twisted though, we are designed by God with Equal Value. Our importance and worth are equal, but our roles played out in marriage are different.

Galatians 3:28 “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”

It has nothing to do with equality or rights or lack of rank— men and women are equal in God’s eyes. It’s about understanding that our roles are simply different.

So, even though most of us grew up learning what it means to be independent, in marriage we learn how to be interdependent. That's an important word, so write it down! We are no longer two individual beings, but one in every way.

The Bible shows us four aspects of God’s design for marriage. If you get these four things right, most everything else will fall into place. They are,

FOR THE HUSBAND:

Loving

Leading

FOR THE WIFE:

Helping

Submitting

Husbands: Loving

Husbands, loving your wife is going to be the hardest thing you will ever do. That may seem counter-intuitive or antithetical to much of what you’ve thought. It may even contradict a song or two that you have on your reception playlist. Buts it's true, In Ephesians 5:25-29 God tells us as Husbands to love our wives,

Ephesians 5:25-29 “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,”

Guys, you have to start to realize that loving your wife has nothing to do with feelings! God loved us with action by sending His Son to die for us, not because we were loveable! This is the type of love He is talking about. It has nothing to do with your wife’s performance.

This is a really hard concept to grasp, and candidly I have to remind myself of it all the time. Most of us men are trained in conditional/performance-based relationships. Sports for many of us have taught us that it's all about performance, the business has taught us rewards are based on work ethic, and roommates have taught us that they are for helping clean, do dishes, and buying food. None of this is God’s design for marriage! Your love for your wife needs to be unilateral and unconditional. You will find out quickly how deeply embedded conditional love and selfishness is within you. You will have to learn how to decide to love your wife, even when everything she’s doing or saying is making you want to do the opposite.

There is a ton more that the Bible tells us about this and I wish I could dig into it, but we don’t have time! So dudes, write down these scriptures and go back to them by the end of the day: Ephesians 5: 25-29, 1 Peter 3:7-8. And lastly, hear this practical piece of advice from a brother, more often than not the best way you can love your wife is by listening and not fixing. Be studious of her. What she eats, her preferences, her gifts, what she likes to do, don’t wait for special occasions. Do this often. Serve her every day by choice, not by obligation.

Wives: Helping

Okay, guys, you can take a breather. Ladies, it's your turn! Let's talk about what it means to be your husband's helper.

Genesis 2:18 “Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

Many women struggle with this title and role, and let me just say from the get-go- that's okay! It is counter what our culture teaches all over the place. I want to clarify one thing, this is not saying that women can’t be leaders, CEO's, entrepreneurs, strong, esc. In fact, its actually much much much more empowering than it may seem. But don’t take my word for it, take God’s.

Does anyone else know who else has the title of Helper in scripture? Anyone…?

John 14:16-17 “And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.”

The Holy Spirit is the Helper. So... much like the Holy Spirit helps believers do or be something they could not do or be on their own, so also does a wife help her husband do or be something he could not do or be on his own.

Are any of you fans of the Rocky movies? Rocky Balboa said it best, “I’ve got gaps and she’s got gaps and we fill in each other’s gaps.” You are meant to fill in your husband's gaps!

Now Husbands, if your wife is meant to be your helper, then you have to accept her help!

I strive to do nothing without running it by my wife. And, when I do run it by her, I always (yes quite literally always) end up with a better solution. If I’m prepared to make a decision and she hesitates or disagrees in any way, then I stop, listen, ask, understand, and change my course if needed.

Husbands: Leading

Leading is not what you may think. It is not about our rank in the relationship but about our responsibility,

Mark 10:42-45 “And Jesus called them to him and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

To lead as a husband is all about leading by serving. There’s a helpful formula for this that I want you to write down: Submitting to Christ + Serving my wife = leading in marriage.

DON’T BE A PASSIVE HUSBAND. Passivity as a husband and just keeping the pace is a path towards deadness in marriage.

How can you practically take lead in your marriage?

Sharing what God is teaching you.

Taking initiative in asking for forgiveness in conflict.

Getting men in your life that will challenge/encourage/admonish/spur you on as a husband & current/future dad.

Make choices in your career that allows you to be home in the evenings; prioritizing having dinner with your wife rather than sacrificing her for work.

So then what are some application points for you guys?

All about taking action: What do you need to do? Do you need to carve out time to spend in the word every morning so there is actually something that God is teaching you so you can share it with your wife? Do you have to drop your pride and ask for forgiveness more often? Do you need to ask someone older and wiser than you for help and be willing to share things that might be a little uncomfortable? Maybe you need to sacrifice 5-10 hours of extra work that might propel you higher in the company in order to propel your marriage.

Get in the community, plug into the church, and get disciples! If you haven’t led your girlfriend/fiance well then own it to her! Ask for forgiveness, it is never too late.

Wives: Submission

The word you’ve all been waiting to discuss this whole morning, I bet! Let me tell you something right off the bat, submission is not a dirty word.

Culture wants you to think that it is! But the Biblical definition of submission is beautiful. You may be thinking, “Of course you think it's beautiful you’re a husband!” You’re right, I do think it’s beautiful because I’m a husband! But I can also tell you with confidence that my wife agrees with me too. Submission is meant to be beautiful, not ugly. It’s something we have to redefine because of the negative connotation the world has attached to it. So let's start by defining what it is not,

Biblical submission is not:

Blindly following your husband into sin. Think Ananias and Sapphaira from Acts 5: 1-11, this is not a picture of submission.

Being inferior in any way. We are equals. Again, Galatians 3:28 “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”

Physically/emotionally, or mentally allowing abuse or violation of the law. If this is the case then seek help, because this is not what God intended. And, let me just add, if any spiritual figure ever tells anyone to stay in a relationship where you’re being abused under the guise of “Biblical submission” then they aren’t a spiritual figure worth listening to when it comes to marriage.

Biblical Submission is:

Based upon cooperation, not contention. It completes your husband not competes with him.

Seen throughout scripture from Genesis to Revelation. Its seen in the Godhead, Son submitting to the Father. Its seen in friendships, Jonathan submitting to David, it’s seen in God’s design of the Church, and its seen in marriage when Paul says in Ephesians 5:21-22 “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”

How can you practically submit in your marriage?

Coming willingly under his leadership. We can’t make you submit! You have to do it willingly.

Encouraging him through your words and actions. As a husband, I can tell you with confidence that public and private praise is HUGE. Across the board in society men aren’t complimented very often, it's a simple way to make us feel loved and honored!

Understand that you are different, and the responsibilities and pressures inside of marriage are great. Remember, you’re called to submit to him but he’s called to die for you… A husband who is willing to die for you is a husband worth submitting to.

Husbands, what should you do with this?

There are times when decisions need to be made and you won’t be in agreement. Rather than go ahead without your wife, learn to listen and ask questions. God will use your wife to help you make the right decisions.

If you aren’t on the same page, then get others involved to help you listen to each other. If you still aren’t on the same page, keep listening. You should never demand that your wife submits to you.

Your wife is God’s voice in your life, She is your helper. Don’t delude yourself into thinking you are capable of “running over” her.

Conclusion

If you walk out of these doors with one thing learned, I hope it's that marriage is designed by God to help us become more like Him and fall deeper in love with Him. Yes, it's about falling deeper in love with each other, but that is all meaningless if we leave God in the dust behind us.

You are all stepping into something that is deeply sacred and holy, and you have particular roles that have been assigned to you. I would plead with you to start living into those roles the moment you say “I do” don’t waste any time. Remember, when your marriage looks like this your hard days will be half as hard and your good days will be twice as good. Don’t take my word for it, take God’s!

Discussion questions:

Role of the Husband:

What challenged you the most on the role of the husband?

What surprised you as he described what a godly husband looks like and does?

Where do you anticipate having some challenges in leading your wife if you get married?

What’s the next practical step you can take on this side of marriage in becoming a more Godly boyfriend (so that you can be a more godly husband down the road)?

Role of the Wife:

What challenged you the most on the role of the wife?

What surprised you as she described what a godly wife looks like and does?

Where do you anticipate having some challenges embracing this role if you do get married?

What’s the next practical step you can take on this side of marriage in becoming a more godly girlfriend/fiancé (so that you can be a more godly wife down the road)?