Messy Marriage

Hot Mess

Intro

Before I start teaching this morning,

If you have served in the armed forces before, would you stand up?

Look around: Think about what they did. These men and women willingly took a position to go into harms way so that you didn’t have to.

Can we give them a round of applause as we acknowledge their sacrifice for veterans day?

Good morning. for the last two weeks of this series we are Just calling “Hot Mess” we are going to talk about what does it look like to redeem marriage when its a mess?

So the first thing that we are going to do is to read our bible verse together…I hope that we read it enough times that it begins to shape us.

Memory Verse:

1 John 4:11-12

The New International Version (Chapter 4)

11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

You get it? Because of God’s love for us. let us love…Do you want to be made complete in everything in your life? then love others!

Now one of the mistakes we tend to make is this.

It is easiest to apply biblical principles to people other than your spouse.

So when you study 1 John 4 you may think…Oh people I work with…oh love people who I go to church with…etc

But how often do we look at this verse and think…How can I reveal the love of God to my spouse?

So without further ado, lets get into marriage

Christian Couples often times have conflict in marriage for all the same reasons that everyone else does…

But the one thing that will set them apart is their foundational theology on marriage and gender...

What does God want for men and women?

Are there God given roles?

For some of you what I am going to teach today will be the most natural thing in the world…and for some others what I am about to teach will be against everything you ever learned growing up.

And I’m okay with that tension because. I know for me what I am teaching is scripture and nothing else.

So where I want to start is here:

An inordinate amount of the particularly American church has been taught something about gender that I just don’t think can be supported through the Bible.

That is this:

You may have been taught that women to exist primarily to please their husbands

Women are to live in quiet submission to men

Women need to stay at home and raise the children

women don’t get a voice in the home...

and on the other side of this is that men are the dominant leader in the home

The final say is with the man.

So lets start with Genesis 1:27 today

The intention for all of humanity

Genesis 1:27-28

27 So God created mankind in his own image,

in the image of God he created them;

male and female he created them.

28 God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

Now what we have to understand is that Genesis 1:27-28is intentional writing to highlight the equality of man and woman

The image of God is equal in women and in men…The image of God is the Image of God. There is an inherent equality in it. To say that women and men are not equal is to actually diminish the image of God...

But did you catch what the role of both men and women is?

We are created to Rule over all of humanity

So our job in humanity is to have God rule through each one of us, to rule over all of creation.

Do you get it?

You exist to bring God’s goodness to the rest of creation...

A few weeks ago when it was still hot, I went out to skim my pool and my daughter Emma was already outside by the pool.

She was rescuing all of the bees that had found themselves floating in the pool

so she takes these bees and puts them in the sun and then she had this way of after drying them up putting them on the flowers.

When she was doing that I just had this image of the garden of Eden and I told her.

Emma…This was adam and eve’s job in the garden. Their job was to oversee all of creation…and that is what you are doing with the bees!

So the original intention of man and women is to “image” God to the rest of creation

Emma here was being good to the bees. She was taking care of them, she was ruling over them, it was beautiful

This was our original job with God over all of creation

So I bet your wondering what this has to do at all with Marriage?

So the job of humanity is to rule over creation

Ok so you probably know the story. Adam and eve Sin and because of that sin, the consequence is that their perfect world collapses

Everything that they once knew got turned upside down and God ended up cursing his creation and to the woman he said this:

Genesis 3:16

16 To the woman he said,“I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;

with painful labor you will give birth to children.

Your desire will be for your husband,

and he will rule over you.”

How has this been translated....

Now this little passage is so impotrant because it shows the consequences of sin on the human relationship.

But the unfortunate thing about this verse is that it has been translated without the context of the rest of what Genesis is saying...

So many times this verse has been preached by pastors as a way to prove that men were in charge and woman we subject to men...

The way this was preached was that the curse of woman is that they will always want to be in charge but they will never get to be....

When you look at this verse without the context of what we just read in Genesis it might very well sound like this.

But let me just ask a couple of questions here.

Who was man supposed to rule over?

Lets look again at Genesis 1:28...

Genesis 1:28

28 God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

Does the Bible say rule one another, or rule over creation?

The position of humanity is to rule over all of creation

It is because of sin that we turn that command on its head and try to rule over one another.

When we look at Genesis 3 as God creating a hierarchy in marriage then we are severely mistaken…It is a curse that God never wanted for any of us...

Let’s look even further at Man and woman in creation

We come to Genesis 2:20b-25

But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21 So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib  he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

23 The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones

and flesh of my flesh;

she shall be called ‘woman,’

for she was taken out of man.”

24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

25 Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

No suitable helper was found: The word helper here is the same as when the psalmist says. “I look to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the lord” Men. God didn't give you a secretary. He gave you a wife. someone who is co-equal!

The reason why you need a helper is because you are inadequate to do the job on your own.

Unfortunately over the years people have used this word as a weapon against women. when in reality, it is also a word used in the psalms to describe God...

The Man’s rib: I have heard the argument that women are less than men because women were made out of the rib of a man…The problem with this is that in the original language the text says that the woman was made from the side of man. Literally the picture would be cutting the human in half to make two new people. This is a picture of equality.

And they became one flesh: What this text is saying is that as men and women unite in marriage and through the sexual union, they come back together again as one flesh. The implications here is that it takes equals to unite. Also in marriage you are seen as one flesh by God, if one of you treats the other as less than, you are not living out this picture of being one flesh.

Men and Women, God created you as equals and created marriage to be enjoyed and celebrated among two equals.

So the reason why I go through all of this is that

messy marriages have messy foundations

Lets look one more time at Genesis 3:16

The New International Version. (2011). (Ge 2:20–25). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

Genesis 3:16

16 To the woman he said,“I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;

with painful labor you will give birth to children.

Your desire will be for your husband,

and he will rule over you.”

The point is that if you read Genesis 3:16 and think…Oh I am supposed to rule over my wife? you have to realize that that is actually the cursed way of living

The point is that this is a description of a curse in the Bible rather than a prescription for marriage!

So if your marriage is based on a power struggle, you are living out the curse!

See messy marriages have messy foundations.

There are a lot of ways cursed marriages play out

Women maybe you put pressure on your husband to do something your way without talking about it...

Men maybe you make decisions that affect your whole family without ever talking to your wife.

Women maybe you emasculate your husband and belittle him to your friends.

Men maybe you use the cover of the bible to take control over your wife

In marriage when either person begins to rule over the other then marriage becomes a curse rather than a blessing

We are going to read Ephesians 5:21-32 slowly.

Because in order to understand marriage under Jesus we have to understand this verse.

Now before we read this we have to understand something about Paul

The Apostle Paul was a religious Jew who had a radical conversion to follow Jesus

When Paul became a Christian he became one of the most prolific writers of the new testament. Theologians identify Paul as an early Creation Theologian…In other-words..>Paul always is going back to Genesis

Paul see’s Jesus as the one who reverses all the curses of Genesis

In 1 Corinthians 15:49 Paul says this

The New International Version Chapter 15

49 And just as we have borne the image of the earthly man, so shall we bear the image of the heavenly man.

His whole argument here is that we took on the sin & the image of Adam, but through Jesus we can actually take on the image of God

In this way we move back to the garden with Jesus..

One of the biggest themes in the apostle Paul’s writing is creation. He wants all of human kind to come back into the garden…

This includes marriage

So the other thing that we need to realize that is happening in Ephesians 5 before we even read it is that Paul is borrowing right from greek and roman household codes..

He uses the exact same greek formula...

Except for...

He flips it completely on its head.

Greek household codes gave men the absolute authority in the house...

There were even lists of chores that women should do in these codes

So lets see how Ephesians 5 starts

So lets look at Ephesians 5:21

The New International Version Chapter 5

21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

So in the beginning text Paul says to submit to one another…Both men and women

God intended for marriage to be a lifelong relationship among two equals

It means to yield authority to one another

Just this line right here reverses the curse of Genesis 3:16 …That people will rule over one another...

Paul is just taking married people back to the garden where they were naked and felt no shame.

One of the problems that people have with Christianity is this word submit in marriage, but what they don’t see is that the bible calls both men and women to submit to each other

They don’t see this, because it is so rare in marriages...

Ephesians 5:22-24

The New International Version Chapter 5

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Paul comes to define submission as respect later on. in verse 33

Submission for wives is defined as respect. (Eph 5:22, 33)

See what Paul is saying for wives to do is to give honor to their husbands...

Why? Because men you have the far harder job in marriage.

In one sense men and women are equal in marriage but men have the way larger responsibility.

The Bible expects men to be like Jesus to their spouse.

Ok this is where people look and say...See men get to rule over women! Just as Jesus is the head of the church. Men is the head of woman.

The problem here is that when we read this with 21st century eyes we see the word head as leader..the one in charge..Dominant

rather than the way a 1st century greek person would have read this.

A greek person would have read that word “head” as source.

In terms of creation, Women were derived from men just at the church was derived from Jesus.

The problem is that we look at this phrase the husband is the “head of the wife” and people have built entire theologies on this. They have built entire gender roles surrounding this.

Now pay attention to the way that Paul defines for men what “Headship” looks like…Ladies you are going to get a kick out of this:

Ephesians 5:25-30

The New International Version Chapter 5

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—30 for we are members of his body

Remember how I said that in Roman household marriage codes women were often required to do chores?

These were often chores like bathing the kids…doing the laundry…ironing cloth…spot cleaning. feeding the children...

Paul absolutely flips these marriage codes on its head…He defines male headship in terms of female domestic chores

Why does Paul do this?

Because Paul is looking out at the Roman world seeing marriage that is an absolute curse to those in it and he has a desire to bring it back to the garden...

He knows that Jesus at the center of your marriage can break the curse of sin...

See living out marriage in an Ephesians 5 way is to refuse to rule over one another

it is to love each other with a sense of mutual submission

Further than that, to live out a christian marriage for men was to love your wife as Christ loved the church...

Guys. This means you sacrificially love your wife…

It means you recognize that your wife needs a break…and you watch the kids…so she can come to Bunco this Friday night don’t forget to sign up!

It means that when she is venting and telling you how hard her day is…you stop trying to fix everything and you enter into her suffering the way that Jesus did for you

Men: you have to be willing to lay down your life for your wife…It means you put the needs of your wife ahead of your own

But women, respect your husband…as he sacrificially loves you…don’t take advantage of this…That is disrespectful

Paul then quotes Genesis when he says this

Ephesians 5:31

The New International Version Chapter 5

31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

What is Paul talking about here? The two becoming one flesh.

Paul is talking about married couples submitting to one another sexually.

Marriages are a mess because physical touch is neglected.

The bible is clear. It is through sexual intimacy within marriage that unity is achieved.

It is through regular sexual intimacy that you lay down the desire to rule and control one another.

Church. I know christian couples who haven’t had sex in months or only have sex once a month...

That is a recipe for disaster in marriage

Sex is God’s gift to married people and it ought to be enjoyed freely and regularly.

Ephesians 5:32

The New International Version Chapter 5

32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Do you see what Paul is saying? That your marriage. Mutually surrendered to one another actually reveals the gospel

Men when you love your wife like Jesus? you put the gospel on display

and women when you respect your husband? Your marriage puts the gospel on display

Friends, your marriage has two options

1. You can either live in the curse of sin in your marriage or

2. Paul lays out this way in Ephesians 5 to live the way that God originally intended it to be.

Challenge

I want to invite you to break the curse of a messy marriage

If either of you are trying to rule each-other in marriage…This is a curse!

There is a different way!

The way of Jesus \

Parents especially. A strong marriage that reflects Jesus matters.

We can do a thousand children’s programs for your kids and help your kids learn about Jesus...

But the most powerful discipleship tool there is is your marriage

the most powerful thing you can do for your kids long term is to live out a marriage that is fully surrendered to Jesus and to one another.

I want to leave you with something really practical, this is just what I have learned in marriage

The three “T’s” of a strong marriage

Spend time together

Talk with one another

Touch each other

Married People:

Your marriage matters! Why? Because it is a living parable. A way that God reveals his love to the whole world.

How could your work place change because of your marriage?

Men, How could your extended family change because of the way you love your wife?

Women, how could your work place change because of the way you respect your husband?

Marriage is part of God’s plan to reach this world! Because it puts the gospel on display.

Time, Talk, Touch…

So married people....I want to pray over your marriage this morning...

Maybe your spouse is serving in the children’s department or they are just not here this morning…but if your married I want to pray over your marriage:

Men: Lord would you give the men of REC eyes to see their spouse as equals,

Would you become like Jesus in your marriage

women would you honor and respect your husband