Living with an Unequally Yoked Spouse - Part 3

Marriage and Family Series  •  Sermon  •  Submitted
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Big Idea: A high view of marriage will be committed to exemplifying Christ in your marriage for the good of your spouse.

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Introduction

Many conflicts in a marriage result from living to please self instead of living to please the Lord. These conflicts can be resolved and are actually opportunities for spiritual growth when dealt with in a biblical manner.
Self-Confrontation Manual, Lesson 14, Page 6, Used by Permission of the Biblical Counseling Foundation.
John Broger
This is true in equally and unequally yoked marriages. Which is why, for the most part, the counsel to spouses living in healthy or difficult marriages is, in truth, the same.
We are specifically addressing living with an unequally yoked spouse, but as I pointed out last week, the counsel for living in an unequally yoked marriage is really and truly no different than living in an equally yoked one.
First, let me review...

Review

Big Idea: A high view of marriage will be careful to avoid unequally yoked marriages.
Unequally yoke marriage forbidden - 2 Cor 6:14; 1 Cor 7:39
Unequally yoked to unbeliever
Unequally yoked to Believer
Remain Married or Divorce?
We began last week....
Big Idea: A high view of marriage will be committed to exemplifying Christ in your marriage for the good of your spouse.
Living before an unequally yoked spouse
Remain married, if possible
Seek to win without a word - lifestyle witness
A couple follow up comments.....(This is why I love the small groups....insights or truths come to light that I may have omitted, missed, or not even thought about that I can pick up from you. In this way, you have a hand in my sermon prep.)
What do you do, wives, if your husband is about to make a mistake you feel certain is going to have extremely negative fallout?
You submit.
You trust God.
Submission is knowing how to duck so God can hit your husband. -Dr. Tony Evans
You do not have to be the one to correct your husband, to stop him, to punish him. God has that all under control. You need to live as God directs and trust him to care for you when another’s sins or mistakes hurts you.
This text, and thus most of my comments, focuses on the circumstance of a wife with and unbelieving husband. HOWEVER, as we noted two weeks ago, it is possible to have an unequally yoked marriage between two believers. What do you do then?
The answer is the same.
The exception to submission is if the husband ask the wife to sin in some way. Then, the wife must decline to submit but SHE MUST DO SO RESPECTFULLY.
Today, we will return to and pick up where we left off in considering how to live with an unequally yoked spouse and consider, how do we live in such conditions? How do we live before an unequally yoked spouse?
Because…. (Big Idea)

Outline

Big Idea: A high view of marriage will be committed to exemplifying Christ in your marriage for the good of your spouse.
Living before an unequally yoked spouse
Live with them according to knowledge
Counsel for husbands and wives
Do’s and Don’ts

Sermon Body

Living before an unequally yoked spouse

What does the word of God say to one living in an unequally yoked situation?

Live with them According to Knowledge

This is for husbands.
To review, lets begin in verse 1 and read through so that we can get the whole context fresh in our minds.
1 Peter 3:1-6
1 Peter 3:1–6 ESV
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.
After addressing the wives, he now turns his attention to the husbands.
1 Peter 3:7
1 Peter 3:7 ESV
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
Likewise…
Like wives living with unbelieving husbands…
Husbands living with unbelieving wives.
Now again, the following counsel can be applied to believing husbands to unbelieving wives, believing husbands to unequally yoked believing wives, AS WELL AS a healthy, equally yoked marriage between two believers.
Live with them
Interestingly, my wife pointed out in our small group last week that though we can think of MANY instances where the wife has an unbelieving husband, we rarely to ever have the opposite.
But, it does happen.
So when it does, remain, stay.
But rather than submit, which is specific to wives (at least in terms of submitting to her husband as an authority in her life), he is called to live with her according to knowledge.
Live with according to knowledge; live with them in an understanding way.
What does this mean? What does this look like?
This same challenge of wives to to live righteously before their husbands stands true for husbands to wives. Only in case, you would strive to lead lovingly and graciously. Loving leadership, instead of willingly submission, is the model for how you as husbands would live with an unbelieving wife to witness to them.
It means that you need to show great love, honor, and respect for your wife and live with her in ways that takes your knowledge of her and your concern for her into consideration. (which any good and healthy marriage would do, equally or unequally yoked).
We will talk some more specifics in a minute that apply to both husbands and wives but before we get there, let’s turn to Ephesians 5 for a minute as we consider husband’s role of loving leadership.
Ephesians 5:25-33
Ephesians 5:25–33 ESV
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
If you thought that a wive’s role to willingly submit was tough, truth is, a husband’s responsibility to LOVINGLY LEAD LIKE CHRIST is even more so. In comparison, the wive’s role is a walk in the park.
Husbands, you are to exemplify the same headship over your wives even as he does over the church.
This involves recognizing her gifts and abilities and empowering her to use them to the best of her ability for the good of the family and the glory of God!
As a leader, you have control over and oversight over ALL that happens in your home but that does not mean you DO all work....you manage, oversee, and empower those in your household to function as God has gifted them.
You need to know the needs of your home, your wife.
You need be a student of your wife, getting to know her and knowing best how to encourage and support her as a woman, a wife, a mother, a friend etc.
Do you have an eye and heart to knowing your wife and living with her in such a way that you know best how to minister to her?
And this will change over the years as she changes and grows, as you change and grow. It is one a ONE AND DONE thing. You will need to have a constant eye to her and keep abreast of the things that matter to her.
In the case of an unequally yoked marriage, on the issues that you disagree and cannot find oneness, you listen, you show care and concern, and you be willing and able to give as much as you are able without violating scripture. You AT THE VERY LEAST be wiling to LISTEN, to show that you value the input, EVEN IF YOU CANNOT AGREE OR GO WITH IT in the end.
AND YOU DO NOT FORCE YOUR VALUES, convictions, or beliefs upon her. You share, you lead, and you encourage, but YOU CANNOT FORCE it. You MAY have to make decisions she does not agree with but you CANNOT force her to accept your values, convictions, or beliefs. But being understanding and caring in the process will be of great value and worth.
Then give where you are able.
The state and nature of homes these days is such that loving leadership REGULARLY stays connected with the wife is is typically the principle agent of the home as the husband is often out of the home working.
As men who most often work outside the home, our wives are often the ones at home holding down the fort if you will, and a loving leader will work to stay connected to what is happening in the home and know how to encourage and empower your wife to manage the home well.
HOW CAN I HELP YOU? Loving leadership is committed to providing support and encouragement for her to function in her role and responsibilities to the best of her ability.
Loving leadership means making sure that the physical needs of your wife and family are adequately cared for.
Which again means that you have knowledge of WHAT they needs are.
You are listening and hearing her when she expresses those needs.
And when you do not agree that it is a need, you still listen, pray, and follow the leading of Spirit to supply it if you are able and feel it appropriate to do so.
Let me say this…perhaps it is legitimately NOT a need. But if it is a means to encourage your wife, live with her in an understanding way and it is a reasonable request…DO IT.
Loving leadership means making sure the spiritual needs of your wife and family are cared for
This is the problem if she is an unbeliever. Your focus must be in MODELING Christ to her, praying for her, and sharing truth AS prompted by God and as she is ready to receive. Do not badger or nag.
Loving leadership is being to love your wife as Christ loved the church…and gave himself for her. Sacrificial and servant hearted.
Too often, we approach our marriages selfishly. It is all about us.
I see too many husbands unwilling to live with their wives in understanding way. They put themselves first and make sure they get what they want. I fear that sometimes they view their wives as their personal assistants there to do their bidding more than they seem them as a helpmate and companion WHOM THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO LOVE AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH.
Christ’s love for the church was sacrificial and complete.
Husbands, equally or unequally yoked…..are you loving like that?
Loving leadership is servant leadership. A believing husband can influence an unbelieving wife through gracious service.
“Look back at Ephesians 1:22, where Paul describes that headship fo Christ over the church. If a husband wants to know what headship over his wife must be like, how it parallels the headship of Christ over the church, he can find it out in this verse. It says: ‘God put all things in subjection under his feet and gave him as head over all things to (or better, for) the church, which is his body.’ In other words, all things that have been given to Jesus Christ are given to Him for His church, and He exercises headship over His church for her blessing, for her benefit, and for her good. The power, authority, glory, honor, and headship at the very right hand of the Father have been given to Him that He may exercise and mediate them for His church. His headship is headship orientated toward the church. The church is His body. The head feeds the body, nourishes the body, and cares for the body. He head doesn’t run off on its own, but the head is always concerned about the body. Always sending out the messages that will bring restoration and provide the safety and welfare of the various parts of the body, the head preserves and cares for the body.” Jay Adams - Christian Living in the Home
Headship, authority, leadership is about LOVING and CARING for your wife in the best way possible, putting HER GOOD at the forefront of concern.
Remember, one of God’s goals for marriage is holiness. Marriage was created for companionship, this is true, but God is more concerned for our holiness and our happiness IN HIM more than he is concerned about our temporal happiness in this finite life.
If she is an unbeliever, your primary goal is her salvation and MORE than it is about your temporal happiness.
In Ephesians 5:28-30, we have two words that give great insight into what loving leadership looks like.
Ephesians 5:28–30 ESV
In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.
Husbands, NOURISH and CHERISH your wives IN THE SAME WAY as you might nourish and cherish your body after an injury.
All too often, our desire is NOT to nourish and cherish, but to get even and be spiteful for wrongs recieved or perceived.
Our goal, at all times, is to nourish and cherish our wives AS OUR OWN BODIES.
Think about how you nourish and cherish your body after an injury, men? How do you care for your body when it it hurt?
This is easy WHEN THEY TREAT US LOVINGLY AND RESPECTFULLY. What about when they don’t? The command and admonishment does not change. Do we do so as fervently in those moments?
These words in Ephesians 5:28-30 remind us of what we have already read back in 1 Peter 3.
1 Peter 3:7
1 Peter 3:7 ESV
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
We are to treat women as the weaker vessel, not as less than but AS MORE PRECIOUS and VALUABLE.
Furthermore, we are to respect, appreciate, and value their femininity AND NOT EXPECT THEM TO ACT LIKE MEN.
Living with them according to knowledge means that we recognize and value their difference and empower them to live out the fullness of that giftedness for His sake and the good of the family.
Husbands, as you respect and value the woman God gave you as a wife, as you honor her and lovingly lead her, GOD MAY WELL USE IT TO SOFTEN THEIR HEART to the gospel and lead them to repentance and faith.
To live in an understanding way MEANS you work to understand and appreciate their daily stresses and challenges.
It means you listen and value her opinion, insight, and ideas....even if you end up not utilizing them.
It means that you listen the needs of your wife and make every effort to meet them EVEN if you fail to understand or even agree that it is a need.
AND NOTICE, these things are good ideas for equal or unequal marriages. Point is…if you live before you wife as God instructs, it strengthens equally yoked marriages and in can influence unbelieving spouses to turn to God.
Loving leadership means you reject bitterness and resentment when there is disagreement or an unwillingness to submit.
Loving leadership means you cultivate and foster LOVE in your relationship. You do this by GIVING, for that is what love does. Love gives. You give your time, your interest, your money, yourself. You give.
What wife, believing or non, would not want that?
Yeah, it is possible that a wife may not appreciate or reciprocate that love no matter how much you give....but is that really just cause not giving it anyway?
Husbands, love your wives and lead them through serving of them as Christ did for the church.
What other counsel does the Word give for how to live

Counsel for husbands and wives

1 Peter 3:8-9
1 Peter 3:8–9 ESV
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.
Be sympathetic
Compassionate; understanding.
Being favorably inclined towards them
Be brotherly - Proverbs 17:17; Romans 12:16
Looking out for their best interests.
Be tender hearted/kindhearted
Having a desire to put their best needs ahead of your own….even if their behavior and attitude towards you is less than kind.
LISTEN, Christ like love shines best when it is loving the “unlovable.” Loving those who are easy to love has no great reward. Even unbelievers do that. LOVING THOSE WHO are unlovely, who even seek your demise, that is the very definition of sacrificial love. That is the example of the cross.
Be Humble
Remember how much you are forgiven.
Remember the grace you have received from God
And extend that same grace to your spouse EVERY SINGLE DAY
And if you weary and tire of your spouses attitude and conduct, think about how weary God must be with your daily behavior and attitude and remember his grace. Then extend that grace to your spouse.
Remember who the REAL enemy is.
Do everything you can to promote harmony; live peaceably - Romans 12:18
Reject spiteful behavior - Romans 12:19
Refuse to curse, bless instead. - Romans 12:20-21; Proverbs 16:7
Trust God even when it hurts
Stay the course, even when it hurts.
Ephesians 4 - Read it and apply it.
Point is this…In truth, the instructions for how to live before an unbelieving spouse IS NO DIFFERENT than that of living because a believing and equally yoked spouse. In BOTH cases, the goal is the best interest of the spouse, their building up, and their edification.
Will you be committed to that no matter the cost?
Some final words, courtesy of Wayne Mack.. Some Do’s and Don’ts.

Do’s and Don’ts (Courtesy of Wayne Mack)

Do
Do expect problems
Do be consistent
Do be loyal
Do be respectful
Do be prayerful
Do draw your security and strength from God
Do fulfill your marital obligations
Do find mutual entertainment and recreation
Do adopt a Philippians 4:8 perspective
Don’t
Don’t flaunt
Don’t make everything a major issue
Don’t play God
Don’t expect your mate to understand
Don’t expect your mate to disagree
Don’t exaggerate
Don’t adopt the attitude of Elijah in 1 Kings 19
Don’t neglect the fellowship of other believers
Don’t allow yourself to nag or complain or slander

Conclusion

Big Idea: A high view of marriage will be committed to exemplifying Christ in your marriage for the good of your spouse.
Living before an unequally yoked spouse
Remain Married, if possible
Seek to win without a word - Lifestyle Witness
Live with them according to knowledge
Counsel for husbands and wives
Do’s and Don’ts
Is it possible to live righteously in an unequally yoked marriage? Absolutely!
Will it be easy? Most likely not.
However, a high view of marriage will stick it out because it is not about your happiness but about holiness and about the highest good of the other and the glory of God.
How soon marriage counseling sessions would end if husbands and wives were competing in thoughtful self-denial. If the woman were anxious to yield to her God-given head in the home, and the man were ambitious to serve her comfort and welfare as being his own flesh, there would be no room for contention and strife. “Wives, submit” and “husbands, love” must be repeated until the message reaches beyond ears to the hearts of spouses.
The Shadow of the Cross – Studies in Self-Denial, 1981, p. 55, by permission Banner of Truth, Carlisle, PA. Walter Chantry
Course, this is the rub, isn‘t it? In an unequally yoked marriage, one of the two members of the marriage are not committed to the same goals and purposes. But a consistent and humble example by the one who is committed to biblical commands and principles MAY WELL influence the unbelieving spouse to repentance through their faithful example of Christ before them.
Wife with an unbelieving husband? Submit to and respect him
Husband with an unbelieving wife? Love and serve her, leading her with love.
And so exemplify Christ and serve one another. This is the will of God for you.

Application and Discussion Questions

What does it mean to live with our wives according to knowledge?
Know them. Know their needs, their stresses. Know what encourages or refreshes them. Know how to build them up and regularly take action to do so.
Know how your words and actions affect them and give careful consideration to only doing that builds up.
What does it look like to live in a sympathetic manner?
Live with them in compassionate, caring, and loving ways.
Considering their needs and challenges to be a priority even if it does not make sense to you.
What does it look like to “be brotherly?”
Consider other’s needs before your own
To have another’s best interests as the focus of one’s attention
How do you promote harmony and live peaceably without compromising values and convictions?
You compromise where you can. Where you cannot, you explain as respectfully as you can why you cannot.
Why is a high view of marriage necessary when facing an unequally yoked situation?
Because an unequally yoked marriage may involve a high level of unhappiness and dissatisfaction. A high view of marriage may be all that keeps your fighting for and being faithful to the marriage when it struggles.
What are some other specific ways that a believing spouse can live before an unbelieving spouse and be a witness to them?
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