Marriage Series 2 - Conflict and Confrontation

Reading: Matthew 18:15-20
If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. Matthew 18:15 (NIV)

I.   Conflict Happens

     A.  Christians can Wound each other

           1.  If . . . ?

                 a.  It’s fairly sure you’ll be hurt eventually

                 b.  We’re not immune from hurt in Church

                 c.  Or in marriage, family, or friendships

           2.  Usually not on purpose (but sometimes)

                 a.  Sins against us aren’t usually malicious

                 b.  Usually it’s negligence or immaturity

                 c.  (But we can act out of character too)

           3.  It hurts more to be hurt by ones you love

                 a.  These stings hurt most and longest

                 b.  These hurts go the deepest

     B.  Hurts Break relationships

           1.  Our response to pain is to withdraw

                 a.  This is how we learn about stoves (e.g.)

                 b.  We want protection from more hurt

                 c.  Over time we become isolated & alone

           2.  As love unites, sin (hurt) divides

                 a.  The fruit of love is unity

                 b.  The fruit of sin is division

           3.  Unless we deal with hurt, division remains

                 a.  Polite division, or real unity?

                 b.  Is healing possible? Yes!

                 c.  The path to unity is thru discomfort

                 d.  The path to restoration is confrontation

II.  Love that Confronts

     A.  Where do we Go with our pain?

           1.  Talking behind their backs?

                 a.  You know what so-and-so did to me?

                 b.  Nurse a grudge, suspicion

                 c.  Undermine, spread mistrust (and unity!)

           2.  Just absorb it into ourselves?

                 a.  Don’t make waves, rock the boat

                 b.  Pretend nothing is wrong (i.e. lie)?

                 c.  Internal bleeding is the most dangerous

           3.  Go to the one who hurt us.

                 a.  Note: not an option, a command!

                 b.  Go write a letter!

                 c.  Attend to the relational wound directly

                 d.  Show him/her how you hurt

                 e.  1st 3 rules of trauma: Expose! Expose! Expose!

     B.  How do we go?

           1.  Check your attitude (anger?)

                 a.  Why do you go? Prove him wrong?

                 b.  Going to vent your anger?

                 c.  To show yourself as spiritually superior?

           2.  2 Concerns:

                 a.  Our brother: status withGod & Church

                 b.  Our relationship: our unity, trust and love

                 c.  We go to win our brother back!

           3.  If he or she won’t listen follow the other steps

                 a.  First go back with 1 or 2 others

                 b.  Then go to the church

     C.  What about Public sins?

           1.  This rule is not a new law (and is limited)

                 a.  Not designed for dangerous situations!

                 b.  Not for abuse of power situations

                 c.  Limited to known, private sins

           2.  Deal with public sins publicly

                 a.  If everyone already knows . . . (?)

                 b.  For church leaders (1Tim 5:20)

[Elders] who sin are to be rebuked publicly, so that the others may take warning. 1 Tim. 5:20

III. The goal is Restoration

     A.  The goal is not Justice

           1.  We don’t go to make a case.

                 a.  Prepared “legal brief” ?

                 b.  We’re not there to “win” (sides?)

           2.  We don’t go as judge & jury

                 a.  Not to condemn and sentence them

     B.  Pursue reconciliation

           1.  Don’t wait for it to come to you!

                 a.  Folks don’t always know what they did

                 b.  Reconciliation doesn’t just happen

                 c.  It’s uncomfortable, vulnerable work

           2.  Chase reconciliation and restoration

                 a.  It’s Jesus’ church (not yours!)

                 b.  Yes, it’s that important!

                 c.  “Love as Jesus loved”

           3.  Be driven to win your brother or sister!

                 a.  Don’t “settle” for polite!

                 b.  Don’t let go until it’s impossible!

                 c.  It’s not just about you! It’s the Church!

     C.  This is Serious stuff

           1.  This is about what it is to be Church

                 a.  Church membership > agreement

                 b.  Church requires relational unity

                 c.  Discipleship requires it

           2.  If reconciliation fails, he or she is an outsider!

                 a.  No sins against the body are tolerated!

                 b.  Seriousness of sin secondary!

                 c.  Implied: be open to correction!

                 d.  Note: the outsider needs evangelism!

           3.  Whenever 2 or more come together . . .

                 a.  Occurs in this context for a reason!

                 b.  2 or 3 come together (really?)

                 c.  Marriage, Family & Church

The Bottom Line:

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