Dealing with Difficult People
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Week #3: Dealing With Difficult People
Open/Story:
Abraham Lincoln’s Unsent Letter
July 4, 1863, General Lee and his defeated southern army began to retreat from the battle fields of Gettysburg after fighting for 3 days straight. While storm clouds and rain provided cover for them, it quickly stopped them in their tracks when they reached the Potomac River that had swelled and become impassable. Unable to pass over the river, Lee was trapped. He could not retreat to safety and he had a victorious Union army potentially advancing toward him.
President Abraham Lincoln saw this as an opportunity to quickly bring the Civil War to an end. He sent a message and then a messenger to General Meade urging him to pursuit and attack Gen. Lee and potentially end the war.
What did Meade do? He waited. While he waited, the Potomac River returned back to normal water levels allowing Lee to slip back to safety.
What would you do if you were Lincoln?
Fire him. Bash him in the press. Beat him up.
Lincoln didn’t do any of that. Instead, he wrote a letter to Meade and this is part of what it said:
“My dear General,
I do not believe you appreciate the magnitude of the misfortune involved in Lee’s escape. He was within our easy grasp, and to have closed upon him would, in connection with our late successes, have ended the war. As it is, the war will be prolonged indefinitely. If you could not safely attack Lee last Monday, how can you possibly do so south of the river, when you can take with you very few - no more than two-thirds of the force you then had in hand? It would be unreasonable to expect and I do not expect that you can now effect much. Your golden opportunity is gone, and I am distressed immeasurably because of it.”
WOW! Those are some tough words. What do you think Meade did when he read that letter? NOTHING. He never read that letter because Lincoln never sent it. He had learned his lesson as a young man and lawyer to never again slamming people publicly or destroy relationships with others, even when he had cause too.
Attention: We’ve been looking at our relationships these past couple of weeks trying to create goals for ourselves so that we can built the type of relationships we actually want to have. We’ve seen why our relationships are so important and how best to structure them, but we need to take a minute to look at the ugly side of our relationships.
It is inevitable that you and I will have conflicts in our relationships. Expectations aren’t met, selfishness exists, text messages or emails are misunderstood, there are a thousand different ways that conflict can arise within our relationships.
Need: Building relationships that we actually want in our lives means we need to be able to deal with conflict and difficult people.
Transition: How do you deal with difficult people?
POINT #1: Prioritize Your Relationship
READ John 13:34-35
34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
Explanation:
The kind of love that Jesus is talking about is not a pleasure seeking type of love. It is not a me-first type of love. It is not a self-satisfying type of love. Nor is it a type of love that meets your needs first and fulfilling your desires.
The type of love that Jesus is talking about is a self-sacrificial love that serves others first, meets their needs, and fully accepts them for who they are right now and not some future upgraded version of who they could become.
The Greek language, that John 13:34-35 was written in shows us that Jesus is talking about an agape style of love. This agape style of love is a verb that actively and presently seeks the well being and building up of others, even if it means you have to sacrifice for them.
This is the type of love that God the Son, Jesus Christ has for you and actively shows you by willfully submitting to the Father’s plan to rescue us and restore us back into relationship with Him.
Jesus told people a story one day that dramatically portrayed this type of love that we can receive from God and then reflect out toward others we are in relationship with.
The story goes that one day a rich man’s youngest son came to his Dad and told him - you’re dead to me, give me my portion of the inheritance, I’d rather have what you can give me then have a relationship with you anymore.
The Father sells us half of his estate, liquidates what he needs to, and gives his son what is due him. The son goes off and blows it. He comes to his senses while at a job no one wanted and thought that maybe, just maybe, his dad would take him back and create enough room for him as one his servants.
Jesus goes on to say in Luke 15:20
So he got up and went to his father.
“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
This father prioritized his relationship with his son over the conflict he had with his son.
Our Father, in heaven, prioritized his relationship with you over the conflict he has with you.
You should prioritize your relationships over the conflicts in your life.
Don’t allow the conflict to become bigger than your relationship.
Application: Ask yourself the following questions:
What does _________ really mean to me?
Do I love _________ more than winning the argument?
How am I frustrating ________?
How can I deescalate this conflict ________?
Transition: The way to deal with difficult people is by first prioritizing your relationship with them. Secondly, you need to own your motives.
Point#2: Own Your Motives
READ JAMES 4:1-3
1 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
Explanation:
Apparently, Jesus’ half-brother named James wrote to an a bunch of house churches that were having some conflict issues. He even describes what was going on by using war metaphors. But James pulls back the curtain and reveals to us why we have conflicts in the first place: we have the wrong motives because we are selfish.
We are all born with selfish motives. Look at any cute little baby and deny them what they want, when they want it … they aren’t cute anymore!
Let’s be honest, a lot of us can be just as selfish and spoiled as that little baby! The relationships that you have in your life can be ruined by either you or the other person. So, it’s important to assess the motives you have when you are dealing with difficult people and remove self-centeredness from the equation.
Instead, be like Jesus when he tell us to do what we naturally wouldn’t think of doing:
READ Luke 6:27-31
27 “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. 30 Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.
Application: Ask yourself the following questions:
Do I just want to win/be right?
Am I prioritizing their needs over my own?
(If you’re a follower of Jesus) Am I behaving like Jesus did?
Transition: The way to deal with difficult people is by first prioritizing your relationship with them and owning your motives. Next, you need to seek restorative peace in that relationship.
POINT #3: Seek Restorative Peace
Read Romans 12:18 “18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
How do you restore peace back to a relationship?
Keep your focus on God, the author of peace
READ Isaiah 26:3 “3 You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.”
Allow Jesus to rule in your heart.
READ Colossians 3:15 “15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.”
Give God Your Worries
READ Philippians 4:6-7 “6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
When you do this - this is what Jesus says of you:
Read Matthew 5:9 “9 Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.”
Application: Ask yourself the following questions:
Do I want or need to restore this relationship?
What do I need to do in order to restore this relationship?
How can I bring peace to this situation/relationship?
Transition: The way to deal with difficult people is by first prioritizing your relationship with them; second, owning your motives; third, seeking restorative peace in that relationship.
Let’s be honest though. Not every relationship can be restored, not every conflict can be resolved. If that is the case, then you need to end that relationship gracefully because it will benefit both you and the other person.
POINT #4: Remove Divisive Relationships When Necessary
READ Titus 3:9-11
9 But avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and arguments and quarrels about the law, because these are unprofitable and useless. 10 Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. 11 You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned.
Explanation:
If you are in a relationship with a divisive person: friendship, working/business relationship; it would be better for you to end that relationship. Now, I’m not talking about your marriage. If you are married to someone who is divisive, then you need to work that out with them through Godly counseling. But for any other relationship, where a divisive person is involved it would be best if you removed that relationship from your life.
READ 1 Corinthians 15:33
33 Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”
READ Proverbs 13:20
20 Walk with the wise and become wise,
for a companion of fools suffers harm.
Allowing a divisive person to remain in relationship with you will ultimately turn you into a divisive person because you will most likely become the type of person you intentionally surround yourself with.
Illustration:
This is difficult, but Jesus even had to do this with one of his closest friends.
READ Matthew 16:23 “23 Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.””
Peter was trying to influence Jesus and divide him from his father, unintentionally of course. But Jesus was willing to end that relationship. Thankfully, Peter changed and their relationship was able to survive.
Application: Ask yourself the following questions:
Is this person intentionally being divisive?
Have I praying for this person?
How can I loving remove this person from my life?
Transition: Dealing with difficult people is difficult, but so worth it because we should always prioritize relationships, own our motives, and seek restorative peace with others. If those efforts fail to resolves the conflict, then you can remove that divisive relationship from your life.
Conclusion: Lincoln and Meade’s relationship after Gettysburg & unsent letter
Lincoln never sent that letter to Gen. Meade. Instead, Lincoln found a new general who could lead the Union army to victory. But because Lincoln never sent that letter to Meade, Gen. Meade was still useful and instrumental in helping during the Reconstruction of the South.
Reiteration: Dealing with difficult people is difficult but when you prioritize your relationship with them, own your motives, and seek restorative peace you should be able to deal that difficult person. After doing these things and the relationship is still broken and divisive, then you remove that divisive relationship from your life.
[Pray/Band]