Building the Walls: Healthy Boundaries in Marriage and Relationships

Our Theme is “Rebuilding the House of God”

Ezra 1:5 ESV

5 Then rose up the heads of the fathers’ houses of Judah and Benjamin, and the priests and the Levites, everyone whose spirit God had stirred to go up to rebuild the house of the Lord that is in Jerusalem.

Is your spirit stirred?

Is your foundation strong?

Are you ready to rebuild the house of God?

Today we are building the walls

.Walls are important to a house. Something has to hold up the roof.

The walls protect you from what is outside.

The weather.

The animals

Sometimes even other people.

Normally, we do not want to have any walls or barriers between ourselves and other people.

But some barriers are good - like having a separate room for in-laws.

There are also times when we need to be alone - as husband and wife.

Or time spent alone with God.

In America, perhaps also here, we have begun to teach about having appropriate boundaries.

When you build a house or when you plant your fields, you know and agree on the boundaries of your property.

You do not go into another persons house without permission and you do not plant your seed in another persons field without being asked to do so.

So even though we are family, friends and neighbors, we know the limits of those relationships and we have some boundaries.

If the boundaries are appropriate, they can make relationships better and healthier.

We have a saying in America that, “good fences make good neighbors.”

In other words, if you define the expectations of a relationship by setting limits, “make a good fence,” you will get along better with your neighbor.

This is true not just of neighbors but of family and even spouses.

Even Jesus had his boundaries.

Mark 3:14 ESV

14 And he appointed twelve (whom he also named apostles) so that they might be with him and he might send them out to preach

He had his twelve disciples - why only twelve?

Well twelve was a significant number because it was also the number of the tribes of Israel.

But it was also a group small enough that he could interact personally with each one of them.

And of the twelve, there were three which were closest to him.

You will also find that as a leader you will need to choose who you will spend your time with and who you will invest in, because there will always bee more demands than you can meet.

Know your limits.

As a leader there will always me more need that you have capacity.

It will be important for you to decide correctly where you will give your energy and your resources.

If you do not set boundaries, then the loudest voices will win.

The most urgent needs will consume you.

The people who are the most demanding will have all of your attention.

Limits on time

Leaders need to learn to manage their time

What is most urgent is not always most important.

Former president of the US Eisenhower was a military general who divided his priorities into four categories.

His chart has been the basis for professional time management for decades.

Urgent and important - these are the things that must be done.

They are both urgent in terms of time and important in term of priority.

Someone is sick or dying.

A bill is due to be paid or there will be consequences.

The house is on fire.

Things that are both urgent and important must be done right away.

Urgent but not important.

These are things that must be done immediately, but are not your highest priority or someone else can do it.

Delivering a message.

Making a purchase.

Even praying for the sick.

Whenever possible, these are the things that you want to delegate to someone else.

Not urgent but important.

these are things that can be done anytime, but we often do not get to them even though they are important.

Bible study to enrich ourselves and our ministry.

Meaningful time spent with our spouse and children.

Time spent alone listening to God.

These are things that you must make time for, but it will only happen if you are intentional.

You must set aside time to do these things or they will not happen.

Then there are those things which are neither urgent nor important.

These are time wasters - things that take up or time but give no meaning or purpose.

Video games or movies.

Social media and internet.

Gossiping or hanging with those who do.

Recreation is not a time waster if we are using it to grow our minds, our bodies or to build relationships.

Any of these things can be good if used properly, but most often we use them to escape reality.

Limits on resources.

The same thing that is true of our time can also be applied to our resources of money and energy.

It is good to have a plan for how you spend your money or it will disappear and you will wonder where did it go?

But not just money, how do you want to spend you life and your energy?

The question of boundaries is really a question of stewardship.

Stewardship is this idea that everything that we have is given to us by God and that we are to use what he has given us to produce increase and to glorify him.

Colossians 1:24–25 ESV

24 Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the church, 25 of which I became a minister according to the stewardship from God that was given to me for you, to make the word of God fully known,

The question of boundaries is how to balance stewardship and sacrifice?

Yes, we are called to sacrifice for the sake of the gospel.

But we are also called to be good stewards of the gospel.

If we are consumed as a sacrifice, there will be nothing left to steward.

Everyone know that Kenyans are the best long distance runners in the world.

If you are running a race, you will run differently according to how far you have to run.

If it is a short distance you will sacrifice all of your energy to win the race, because it is a short race.

But if it is a long race, you will conserve your energy and find a pace that you can maintain for the distance that you have to run.

You will need to do the same thing in ministry.

Ministry is more like a marathon than a sprint.

If you want to go the distance, you will need to pace yourself.

Set boundaries for yourself and with other people.

Be powerful people.

When it comes to boundaries with other people it thin Danny Silk from Bethel Church in Californian say it best in his book “Keep Your Love On.”

Mr. Silk talks about boundaries in relationships, especially in marriage, but he uses the language of power and powerless.

When we do not set boundaries in relationships it is because we believe that we are powerless.

I am nothing.

I am nobody special.

People can just walk all over me and do what they want with me.

But we know brothers and sisters that in Christ we are not powerless!

Galatians 4:1–7 ESV

1 I mean that the heir, as long as he is a child, is no different from a slave, though he is the owner of everything, 2 but he is under guardians and managers until the date set by his father. 3 In the same way we also, when we were children, were enslaved to the elementary principles of the world. 4 But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, 5 to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. 6 And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” 7 So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.

So if you know who you are in Christ, that you are powerful and not powerless, how does that change the way that you relate to other people?

The problem is that we also believe that only one of us can be powerful, making the other powerless.

So if I am to be powerful, you must be powerless in order to make me feel powerful.

But then if you decide, NO, you will not be powerless, then you become powerful and I have become powerless.

This is the way that many of our relationship function, only one person can be powerful at a time.

And so we take turns dominating, using and manipulating each other so to feel powerful at least some of the time.

There are two American comedians named Abbot and Costello. Abbott is tall and thin, Costello is short and fat. The tall one say to the short one, “ I am the king!”

To which the short one replies, “what does that make me?”

The tall one say, “you, why you are nothing!’

The short one begins to laugh so the tall one say again, “That’s right, I’m the king and you are nothing.

The short one laughs again.

“Did you hear what I said? I said I’m the king and you’re nothing!”

The short one is still laughing and says, “I heard what you said, but did you hear what you said? You just said you are the king over nothing!”

What good is it to be the king over nothing?

Christ laid down his life for us because He is the king and he makes us something!

In doing so he showed us that we have been thinking about power backwards.

You can’t make yourself powerful by putting others down.

Rather you show yourself to be powerful when you serve and lay your life down.

John 10:17–18 ESV

17 For this reason the Father loves me, because I lay down my life that I may take it up again. 18 No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again. This charge I have received from my Father.”

What if my identity in Christ means that I can be powerful even when you are powerful?

You do not make me powerful, it is Christ who makes me powerful.

And when Christ laid his life down for me, he did not become powerless, except by his own choice, and so he was even more powerful!

So in Christ I can be humble and can serve you and that does not make me powerless, but powerful!

So the struggle to make other people powerless so we can be powerful in not who we are in Christ.

In Christ we are two powerful people who are lifting each other up and not letting each other become powerless.

When we are relating to each other in Christ we are always respectful of the other’s identity, even while we are respectful of our own identity.

I will not say anything to harm you, to insult your or to put you down, because that is not who you are in Christ, and that is not who I am in Christ.

In the husband and wife relationship the Bible commands that we honor each other.

Ephesians 5:21–24 NLT

21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

What is submission does not mean becoming powerless?

Submission is doing what Jesus Christ does for the church.

He voluntarily humbles himself, but he does not become powerless except by his own choice - he remains powerful.

Even more powerful because he can lay his life down of his own choice.

That is then the basis for the teaching on submission.

We are not dominating and controlling the other, but we are lifting them up to their identity in Christ.

We are two powerful people serving the Lord by serving each other.

Enter into God’s rest.

Hebrews 4:9–11 ESV

9 So then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, 10 for whoever has entered God’s rest has also rested from his works as God did from his. 11 Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience.

Perhaps the greatest reason for us to have boundaries in our marriage, in our relationships and in our ministries is so that we can enter in to God’s rest.

God want’s us to work from a place of rest.

We are resting in Him, not striving.

That is when we know that He is doing the work and not just us.

Each year I take time to get away from everything and to seek God for direction for my life. As part of this I have some questions that I answer in my journal regarding five areas: Christ, Community, Calling, Character, and Competency.

For each of these areas, I look back at the at the past year to say, “how did I do?” Then I evaluate my present and set goals for the future. I read my journal from the previous year to make myself accountable for my goals.

Under the category of calling and looking back, the questions is,

“have I done what God has called me to do? And have I done it from a place of rest?”

It is not enough to do what God has called you to do, but you should also find God’s rest in doing it.

Find Sabbath rest.

God rested on the seventh day and in doing so he established a rhythm that on one day each week we should rest.

Sabbath is not just not doing things which are considered to be work, but it is a time to refocus and recharge.

Sabbath is not so much a rule as it is an attitude.

Whenever we rest on the sabbath, we turn our thoughts toward God and we bless one another.

In Jewish families they practice the Shabbat meal where not only do they give thanks to God, but the husband and wife bless each other and the children.

It is this celebration of loving God and loving each other that is at the center of what it means to rest.

We also need to slow down enough to know our own hearts and our own thoughts and to be able refocus our thoughts on God and on each other.

This is the time to deal with forgiveness before it becomes bitterness.

This is the time to offer apologies and to make things right.

This is the time to hear each others hearts, and to hear God’s heart for each other.

Have a rhythm of Sabbath.

As a church, in addition to sabbath, you also have times of prayer and fasting.

These are times when you are practicing sabbath as a community.

You are refocusing on God.

You are hearing what God will speak.

And you are making things right with each other.

Just as we set ourselves apart during a fast to seek God, that is the purpose of Sabbath and we should do it regularly.

Daily, we spend time in prayer and in God’s Word.

Weekly, we meet together for worship and for fellowship.

About once a month we celebrate our covenant with God through Christ in communion.

I have a day set aside for prayer and seeking God about 4-6 times a year.

Each year we begin the year with a time of prayer and fasting.

And my personal retreat is a time to evaluate and to refocus my energy.

Sabbath is more that just going to church on Sundays, it is establishing a regular rhythm of seeking God and aligning ourselves with Him.

In more recent years there has been a lot of teaching about self-care among those who are pastors, counselors even teachers.

Self-care is the idea that if you do not care for yourself, you will be of no use to anyone else.

You cannot save someone from drowning if you are not a strong swimmer yourself.

So self-care is not selfish - it is looking out for those that you care for by taking care of yourself so you can be there to care for them.

These thing often fall into the not-urgent but important category, so you must make time for it or it will never happen.

Also, taking care of your family is important because your family is an example to the rest of the church.

Pastors often neglect their own families because they are important but not as urgent as everyone else’s needs.

When I was serving as a missionary in Denmark, my wife was pregnant with our first child, but no one else new this. We were at a pastors conference like this one and there was a prophet from England who called us up front to give us a prophetic word.

He said, “ I see you being shot forth like arrows and you will go far!”

My heart began to swell because I really wanted to do great things for God.

But then he said, “You will go far, but your children will go even further!’

I realized at that point that there was a plan in God’s mind that was bigger than just me, and it would require many generations.

If I do great things for God, but my children are not serving God, then I have failed. They are my most important priority, because they will multiply ministry in their generation.

Walls are not made of just one stick of wood.

Walls require many sticks of wood.

Was good is it if you are strong and everyone around you is weak?

What good is it if you are powerful, but everyone around you is powerless?

Boundaries help us to know our place, to know our limits, to become powerful people, and to do it from a place of rest.