(060) The Pillars of Community VI: How and When to Confront
The Pillars of Community VI: When and How to Confront
Matthew 18:15-17
February 1, 2009
Prep:
· PM p. 17ff, chpt 9, Peacemaker’s Pledge (in leftovers)
· Community III and IV
· Matt 18, Rom 12
Intro
The last sermon assumed common ground and permission. But what do you do when those are not there? This sermon is borne out of conversations showing that to be the burning question.
· This is about how and when to confront outside of community.
· We don’t always have the luxury of permission and community.
We will begin by looking at Jesus’ call to be “peacemaker” and what it means, and how we tend to be “peace-fakers” or “peace-breakers” instead. Then look at a process for confronting, drawing from Matthew 18.
Prayer
Yucky situations
We all have situations and relationships that can accurately be described as “yucky.” Perhaps it is family (especially “in-laws”), co-workers, or friends – “this can’t go on.”
· A intrusive in-law, an overdrinking friend, sexist co-worker.
Q You know that something must be done, but what?
Q How do we effectively (not destructively) handle the it?
We look to the Bible as our guide. In the Beatitudes:
Matt 5:9 ESV “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.”
· To say that they will be called sons of God is to say that peacemakers act like their daddy.
Does this mean that we should ignore everything for the sake of peace? No, peace isn’t an absence of open hostility. A pass-aggressive house may not have shouting, but there isn’t peace.
· Peace: Shalom, well-being, personally and interpersonally.
Jesus is saying that children of God bring genuine peace. They come into a situation and make things better, not worse.
· The problem is we’re not so good at peacemaking – we tend to either avoid the issue or rush on in with unrighteous anger.
Peace-faking, breaking, and making
There’s basically three ways that deal with yucky interpersonal situations: Peace-faking, peace-breaking, and peace-making.
1. Peace-faking: Ignore or Running
It’s the “avoidance” approach, ignore the situation or run away. Both are extremely dangerous, not to mention dysfunctional.
Ignoring is perhaps the most common form of dysfunction: Just pretend everything is ok. We go to great lengths to avoid dealing with the unpleasant situation, because we are afraid:
1. Afraid of losing the relationship.
2. Afraid of them getting mad at us.
3. Afraid of hurting them.
4. Afraid of being disapproved of.
The problem is that the problem does not go away, and in fact only gets worse because the offender is implicitly told his actions are acceptable. The things we fear still happens.
RUNNING AWAY may mean ending a FRIENDSHIP, QUITTING a job, DIVORCE, or CHANGING CHURCHES. Occasionally, running away may be the only option, but in most cases, it just postpones the problem because it doesn’t address the issue.
· You may be out of the situation, nothing inside has changed.
· Pay now, or later with interest.
2. Peace-breaking: Winning at all costs
This is the “attack” response. It may involve a verbal attack, slander or gossip (involving those who shouldn’t be, future sermon), or even physical violence.
You may feel better (for a little while), but they don’t. This is also known as putting people in their place, or revenge. But in the end the situation is worse.
3. Peacemaking: Seeking true peace
What distinguishes true peacemaking is that it seeks everyone’s best. Peace-faking and breaking are ultimately selfish choices.
· Faking chooses tranquility over their wellbeing.
· Breaking chooses pride over love.
And I think this is perhaps the big point: Only peacemaking truly values the other AND you will only be able to be an effective peacemaker when you value the other.
This is certainly the least popular choice because it is the hardest – it is far easier to ignore a situation or change in with guns blazing that to address a problem in a careful, loving, grace-filled manner.
We are called to being peacemakers and living at peace, not just with those in community, but also those outside our community.
Romans 12:17b-18 NIV Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.
“Everybody” does not just mean Christians. That is a tall order, but Paul goes on to clarify what he means:
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
He is calling us to live at peace with everyone, being peacemakers (children of God), not fakers or breakers. Yet he recognizes that it is not always possible.
Responsible for ourselves
Q Why isn’t it always possible? Free will.
We cannot hope to get along with everyone, but we can do our part to be peacemakers. We are responsible for ourselves, not for them.
Ä Now look at the process for being peacemakers: How to confront yucky situations gracefully, truthfully, and lovingly.
A caveat
Literally books have been written on this topic and this is one sermon. This will be brief to the point of negligence.
· I almost changed topics because of this.
If you are have to confront a really bad situation, don’t go run out and make a phone call today. You will probably have to receive godly counsel and help, perhaps professionally.
The church owns a couple of books that may be helpful:
· How to Have that Difficult Conversation (Cloud and Townsend)
· Boundaries (Cloud and Townsend)
· The Peacemaker (Sande)
· He also has an excellent website: www.peacemaker.net (be sure not to add an “s” to the end).
A process
As we look at how to confront, I want to pull principles from a passage in Matthew that discusses church discipline.
To be clear: This passage is not specifically about personal confrontation, it’s about handling sin in the church. Yet if it works for the church, we can believe the principles are valid.
Matthew 18:15-17 15 ¶ “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
1. “If your brother sins against you...”
· The big word here is “if.”
The first step is to evaluate the offence itself. Jesus isn’t talking about cutting in line here. This is meant for the “biggies,” as indicated by the previous passage (lost sheep).
We have to ask if any given item requires confrontation:
Proverbs 19:11 Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.
There are times to let things go. Sometimes even if we are in the right, we demonstrate the grace of God by not holding on to our rights (cf. 1 Corinthians 6:1-8).
· It isn’t ignoring, it’s rising above, for their good and ours.
Q So how do we know the difference between “overlooking” and “peace-faking”? Here are some questions of ask:
a. If it is against me, can I truly forgive, without bitterness?
A small issue over time may become a big issue. Dave Browning wrote we should confront “early and often,” acknowledging the danger of letting things go too long.
· Must be able to truly let go, not take it to others.
b. Who is being hurt?
If they are hurting themselves, others, or you, or if they are a Christian, violating their faith, it cannot be overlooked. You have to be able to distinguish between annoyances or differences of opinion and damage.
· This may require outside perspective, but you have to be very careful about involving others.
c. How big of a deal is this?
The greater the damage, the more important it is to confront.
Ä If you are reasonably sure that peacemaking requires confrontation, not overlooking, then proceed.
2. “Your brother”
In the context, this means a fellow believer, but again seeking a principle, there needs to be a common connection of some sort.
The ideal is to have “permission,” but if the problem is too big, we don’t have the luxury of permission, but rarely should we confront a person we don’t have significant connection with.
· Likewise, brother indicate affection, which a vital component.
3. “between you and him alone”
Barring significantly difficult circumstances, he or she should be the first person to know, not the last!
Proverbs 17:9 9 Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.
Whenever we bring people into the situation unnecessarily (and we all do), we severely handicap the entire process.
· We also harm the “new addition” because they cannot help but take a side, and God seldom gives grace busybodies.
4. “go and tell him his fault”
This is where I have to be most negligently brief. I have entire book on this one topic that is available to be borrowed.
a. Before you go: Clarify the problem, be able to explain clearly and gently, have a game plan, pray, and pray more.
b. Speak with grace, truth, and love, stay on track, don’t be pulled into a fight.
c. Afterwards: Stick the game plan no matter how they respond.
5. “take one or two others along with you”
If they are unresponsive, it may become necessary to involve other people to confront again. Ideally it should be a person mutually respected, such as a neutral family member, or pastor.
· They might be able to help negotiate a solution.
· They will give you greater perspective.
6. “let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector”
Again, confronting is different than church discipline. In church discipline, it may be necessary to expel a person from the church in order to protect the flock and jar them into the reality of their sin.
The point for us here is that the person we confront may not respond and you need to know what you will do then. What will happen to the relationship then?
You may have to disassociate from them, or you may have redefine the relationship (cf. four levels of community), you may have to involve the authorities, but going in, you need to know your worst case security.
In the end, we must leave it in God’s hand:
Romans 12:17-21 NIV 17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
As peacemakers, we overcome evil with Good, not ignoring it, nor fighting fire with fire, but being an instrument of peace.
Q & A
Closing
Q As we go into worship, think about the “yucky situations” you are facing – have you been a peace-faker, breaker, or maker?
Q How would God call you to be an instrument of peace?