(059) The Pillars of Community VI: Truth Telling in Community

The Pillars of Community IV: Truth Telling in Community

Ephesians 4:11-16

January 18, 2009

Prep:

· In Training, Community III

· Jewel’s blog

· Organic Community 142; Townsend 44; Bonhoeffer 103-108

· Read passages, commentary on Eph 4:15-16

Recap

I have really been looking forward to this sermon, as it begins delving into one of the secrets Christian living, something that has made a profound impact on me: calling each other up to higher standards.

· Twice Cecil has talked to me about my sermons.

Last week we began talking about two elements that are vital for community, which is a place where we belong, grow, and serve. And in order to grow as individuals within community, we have to be given grace and acceptance on one hand and speak truth and push each other to grow on the other.

· Last week we emphasized grace and acceptance, and looked at Jesus example: Grace preceded the challenge to grow

But speaking truth, which includes challenging, confronting, and rebuking, is also vital. This week we will focus on truth-telling within community, helping each other grow:

1. How dangerous it is to do

2. Why we still must do it

3. The right way to do it

Prayer

As I said last week, each of us has a tendency to overemphasis grace or truth. Help us to be balanced as a church, a community, and individuals.

Two sermons

As I worked on this sermon, I realized that I was trying to cover two related but separate topics:

Q What’s the difference between confronting a close friend about how he is talking to his children and your dysfunctional, semi-abusive father-in-law about how he treats your kids?

Both are confronting, both are speaking truth, hopefully with grace and acceptance, but one is based on a shared relationship, common beliefs, and mutual permission to help each other grow, the other is not.

· One is based on community, one is not.

These two situations are radically different in how they must be handled, so this is going to be handled in two sermons:

1. How to speak loving truth into the life of someone in community, seeking to help them grow.

2. How to confront a person who is hurting you, themselves, or others, even though there is not the bond of community.

This sermon will work from the assumption of being in community: belonging to each other, having basic agreement on beliefs and on what is healthy and unhealthy, using the Bible as our source, and a desire to grow (a vital element).

The perils of truth-telling

I am using the term “truth-telling” to mean that even while we love and accept each other just as we are, we are also speaking God’s truth into each other, pushing each other to grow.”God loves us just the way we are, but too much to leave us there.”

· Sometimes it is gentle, sometimes harsh, sometimes and encouragement and sometimes a rebuke.

Truth telling is a dangerous enterprise: We are in danger of spiritual pride, smugness, judgmentalism, and a host of other sins worse than what we are confronting. Jesus warned:

Matthew 7:1-5 ESV ¶ Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. 3 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

The very thought of having to challenge another should intimidate us. Who am I to call someone on anything? I am just as sinful as them – isn’t that being hypocritical? If it doesn’t intimidate you, then you are probably not ready to do it.

Ä But speck-removing isn’t a bad thing, it’s good. If you’ve ever had a speck in your eye you remove, you would agree.

The mandate

The fact is that we all are in need of help. We are not capable of living up to God’s standards on our own. I doubt any of us our so arrogant as to believe that you have arrived.

I think we all also recognize that it is in community that we grow. Truth telling is a key reason for community:

1. In community our holiness is tested – we all like to pretend that we are nice people.

2. In community we can be forced to see the truth about ourselves that we work so hard to ignore.

3. In community we learn things we did not know.

So if truth-telling is a vital element of community, but it is dangerous, what are the options? Leave to the professionals?

We often hear the expression “speak the truth in love,” but let’s look at the context and how it commissions every believer to speak truth and the goal of truth-telling.

Ephesians 4:11-16 NIV 11 It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, 12 to prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up 13 until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. 14 Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. 15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. 16 From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

“Speaking the truth” is not a reference to nicely putting people in their place. It is speaking of THE truth, of the Gospel – the entire length and breadth of what God has done for us and how we are now to live in response.

Also notice who is speak the truth in love: Not the pastors, it is our job to train you up.

Finally, notice the purpose of truth-telling: It is not telling someone how bad they are (we are can usually do that to ourselves), but to help us all grow and be built up in love.

Getting it right

Clearly, truth-telling is not only vital to the health of the community, but is also is every Christian’s responsibility. Yet it is still difficult and dangerous.

Q How do we get it right?

There are several elements that I believe are vital “speaking the truth in love”:

1. Humility

2. Genuine affection

3. Getting permission

4. Being prepared

5. Receiving as well as giving

6. Speaking with grace

Humility

Jesus did not condemn speak removing. It was trying to remove a speck with a log in your eye.

· I think that log is judgmentalism and spiritual pride.

Judging is condemning others, regardless of whether it is by God’s standards or yours. It is not our job to condemn. If it doesn’t come from humility, it’ll come from pride.

· When we consider ourselves better than the other, we will be incapable of seeing clearly enough to speak truth into them.

Getting permission

In most cases, effective truth telling requires being given permission to speak into someone’s life. Seldom does God have us butt our head into situations that our not our own.

Proverbs 26:17 17 Whoever meddles in a quarrel not his own is like one who takes a passing dog by the ears.

This takes two forms:

1. One-time permission, given by asking for help.

2. A relationship that includes implicit blanket permission (which means the truth-telling may still be uninvited).

By nature, ongoing permission usually only exists in personal and intimate relationships. Let me say that one of my gripes about some current perspectives on community is that it doesn’t recognize the importance of relationships for truth-telling.

· permission means you’ll know more and be better received.

· There may be the rare exception, and usually that means it’s “outside of community,” so wait for the next sermon.

With public and social, the truth-telling will typically come through the teaching, or other less direct routes.

Genuine affection

Next part of “telling the truth in love” is the love part. Not “I love you not like you,” but “I like you and care for you.”

Genuine affection is absolutely vital to truth-telling. If you don’t like them, you can’t speak the truth in love and humility.

· Obviously, this is another reason permission is so helpful.

There are numerous examples in the Bible of rebukes, even harsh ones being accompanied by affection. Paul’s harshest letters of Galatians and 2 Corinthians are filled with tenderness.

Preparing yourself

As I Ephesians says, truth-telling is demonstration that all of us are ministers and proclaim God’s truth.

Accordingly, as a proclamation of God’s truth, it must be as saturated by the Word, prayer, and the Spirit as any sermon. These must happen both on the eve of a confrontation and also as an ongoing saturation.

1. The Bible: If we are not studying God’s Word, we are at risk of sharing (at best) just personal opinions and dangerous advice at worse.

2. Prayer: Prayer both aids the other and invites God’s wisdom and perspective. As Jewel noted, sometimes we’ll find the problem was a log in our eye, not the speck in theirs!

3. We seek the Holy Spirits help and aid, believing he can work through us in ways beyond our ability.

Receiving as well as giving

It is also vital that we be open to receiving truth. The freer we are giving permission, the easier it will be for others to give you permission. It demonstrates honestly, frailty, and grace. It also builds trust.

· We will also be much richer for it.

Q Know anyone who says “be honest,” but attacks you and defends themselves when you do?

Yeah, that is me – and we all do that! By default, we are defensive, because we think that by criticizing what I do, you are criticizing who i am.

· Again, this is why it is so vital the grace and acceptance proceed truth-telling.

I am of the firm belief that not only being open to truth-telling, but actually seeking it out is one of the most important spiritual disciples we can foster.

Proverbs 27:6 ESV 6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

Speaking with Grace

When it actually comes time to speak the truth in love, our speech must be grace-filled. Grace does not mean “being nice.” Though Jesus was full of grace, he wasn’t always nice!

· We harm each other with niceness, misguided loyalty, and cruel leniency.

Grace means “unmerited favor,” that even if our words must hurt, they are still full of kindness. Again, the purpose of speaking the truth in love is that we all grow into full maturity.

Here are some key ways for your words to be filled with grace:

1. Assume the best of motives

2. Buttress with encouragement: The book of Philemon is a great example.

3. Offer concrete help: Grace doesn’t end when the words are spoken, it begins there. If the words are accepted, then comes the real work of helping each other grow.

Q & A

closing

This isn’t the final word on speaking the truth in love, but I hope is provides the framework for understanding the important of truth telling in community and the commission each of us have to do so, and how to do it with: