(057) The Pillars of Community II: Together or Alone?
The Pillars of Community II:
Together or Alone?
January 4, 2009
Prep:
· 12/28/08, Reaching In
· RR 25-26; 30-32; 135-143;
· Search 39ff; 62-70
· Ecc 4:9-12 and context
· Four pillars...
Intro
Last week we began our series on community, because in 2009 we are going to emphasize community, with the goal that this church be built on community where we grow.
· This is not simply a series on “Community groups” because that is not the only type of community, though very important.
This morning, we will first look at our need for connection and community, and then at four different types of community. We will look at things like:
· The connection between cancer and being connected.
· If it’s okay that you don’t want to hang out with everyone.
· If community means telling everyone about my bed-wetting problem.
This sermon is more practical and informational, and has less Scripture, but listen for where you need to grow in connecting.
· If you have questions, text them in.
Prayer
· 2009 be an incredible year for the church and individuals.
· Show us how to be founded on community.
· Help us evaluate our connections and isolation.
Causes of isolation
As Americans, we prize freedom, independence, and convenience above all else. Our society is structured to make it easier and easier to avoid depending on others.
I ended last week by quoting an African proverb: “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
· We go really, really fast.
A welcomed byproduct of our dependence is that we are socially isolated – people slow us down and screw things up. Add to that the increased distractions:
· TV: 2-4 hours a day
· Internet: 3 hours a day
· Internet is usually in addition to TV
Additionally, we are socially isolated by our “increased mobility.” Over the past 150 years (with the Industrial Revolution), but especially since WW II, there has been a major shift in America’s social structure.
It used to be that you were born, lived, and died in that same town. There was great loyalty to your state. But now we are an incredibly mobile people.
Q How many of you were born in Skagit Valley?
Ä And so our individualism, increased mobility, increased distractions lead to a sense of isolation different from the rest of the world.
BTW: This is not an introvert/extrovert thing. It may be easier for extroverts to meet people, but that does not mean they will make meaningful connections.
The cost of isolation
As we talked about last week, we are made in God’s image, and are hence relational beings. It is not good for us to be alone.
· God placed in us a “human-shaped hole.”
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 9 ¶ Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12 And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him--a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Isolation, ignoring God’s design, costs us emotionally, physically, spiritually, and relationally:
Emotionally: Not only does isolation bring loneliness and lack of connections, it also deprived us of relationship that help us handle stress and anxiety.
· Being lonely actually affects your brain and hormones.
“The core of emotional problems of modern life is a pervasive personal detachment and an aloofness from other people.”
Physically: Research has found isolated people are 3x more likely to die than those with strong relationships.
· Two studies (breast cancer and another a specific heart disease) showed double surviving rate for connected patients.
Spiritually: The church (a community) is God’s plan “A” for our spiritual growth, and if we are isolated, our growth WILL be stunted. No exceptions.
When we are alone, we can fool ourselves into thinking we are okay, but in community we realize we have a lone way to go. The test of faith happens in community:
By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. John 13:35 ESV
Some people think that they just need to pray more for God to make them better, but he works through the church.
Relationally: Obviously, this is true, but isolation also hurts our marriage – we focus our energy solely upon our family, and place a burden on them they were not meant to carry.
It’s ironic that as we become more isolated, we obsess over our marriage/dating relationships. Looking for our one true love so we can “happily ever after” destroys marriages.
· In premarital counseling, I have to encourage couples to maintain (same gender) external relationships.
Not only does isolation drain a marriage, but it also deprives it of the resource of the community.
This holds true for singles: they can hold on inappropriately to their boyfriend/girlfriend. And they lack the friends who can help them avoid many of the pitfalls and sins of relationships.
Ä There is no doubt that isolation is bad for your health!
The answer
The answer obviously lies in going from isolation to connection, which is what happens in community. But this means that we may have to give up some of the things that got us here:
· Freedom to do what we want when we want.
· Maybe a little less TV or internet.
· Maybe giving a little bit more of ourselves and our privacy.
As I said last week, community is not simply hanging out, it is a place where you belong, grow, and give.
· Each of those elements is vital.
Notice that this definition does not address number of participants, nor where it occurs. Community is not a monolithic thing, it has many forms and types. In fact, I think that there are four primary types of community, all of which are vital.
Ä This is one of the more interesting things I have learned in my study.
The forums of community
Q Have you ever had some problem in your head that you can’t put words to, then find a book or article that puts it together?
I recently had that experience regarding small groups. I love small groups and believe in them, yet I’ve felt that the “small group” movement was incomplete and attempted to be a panacea.
· I love my Tuesday night group, but if that was all I had, something would be missing.
Then I read a book called The Search to Belong and it talks about the four different “spaces” that we belong:
Public, social, personal, and intimate.
· These aren’t four distinct groups – it’s a scale of closeness.
· The closer connections have a greater impact on our isolation.
Yet, it’s not a progression you make with everyone. This is important because the “small group movement” tends to emphasize personal and intimate.
A matter of proportions
If you think that all relationship need to be moving towards “personal” or “intimate,” take a look at Jesus: He had the crowds, 70 followers, 12 disciples, and 3 close friends.
Likewise, my guess is that it is healthy to have a lot of public connections, fewer social connections, a limited number personal friends, and very few intimate friends.
· It’s worth noting that each group requires different skills and most us are probably better at some groups than others.
Some explanations
As we now examine these four spaces, understand that as a church we want to encourage people to belong, grow, and give in each of these spheres.
1. Public: Any group where there is some sense of belonging: Alumni, professional groups, church universal, the gym.
· These relationships may never “go” anywhere else, yet they contribute to our sense of belonging, we may grow through our interactions, and we give by sharing the love of Christ.
On the church level, this where many people are when they come it. They learn from the sermon, experience God during the worship, and may support the church through prayer or giving.
Yet, but they might not be ready to get closer, already are part of another community, or else are only here for a short time.
In any case, it is vital that they not be excluded from the church community. We do our best introduce ourselves, explain the elements of service, and use “including” language.
2. Social: You know names and bits of each other’s lives, and you know each other well enough to ask small favors.
At the church, this is where people begin to get connected with others in the church, and they will remain at this place with most of the people from here on out. They serve in various ways and contribute to the church.
Again, some may not be ready for a closer connection, or already have that elsewhere. It it’s the later, great. But if they don’t have close connections, we will encourage them to do so, because the “social space” won’t break down isolation.
· And community groups are perhaps the most effective way to create these connections because they are a mix of learning, growing, giving, and just having fun.
Ä Somewhere between “social” and “personal” is where you begin to let people in.
Refrigerator rights
Author, pastor, and psychologist Will Miller discusses letting people in in his book Refrigerator Rights. The title comes from the observation that the freedom to dig around in someone’s fridge without asking is a sign of real closeness.
· The solution to disconnectedness is not to break into other people’s fridges without permission!
Rather, we need to develop relationships where this is natural. But this may take losing some freedom, or opening ourselves up.
Yet, we have different threshold of where we develop RR. Some people are quick to let others in, others are not.
I don’t think that this is a value judgment – the “quick” ones are not better people than that others, and there is dysfunction at either extreme, whether “TMI” or closed off.
· One is trying to prematurely gain acceptance, the other to protect.
Q Who have RR in your home? Whose homes do you have RR?
3. Personal: These are close friends, by nature, these are limited in number – we just aren’t capable of having tons of close friends.
These relationships cannot be forced – they are based on trust, personal affection, similarities, and shared histories.
4. Intimate: These are extremely limited in number, one’s spouse and perhaps a couple of same-gender friends. Here there are there are no secrets or need to pretend.
Ä Again, all of these types of relationships are vital to our health, and if we are missing any of them, we be weaker.
Q & A
Self-test
In closing, look at your life:
Q Do you feel isolated, or like you belong to a community?
Q Are these different types of community in your life?
Q If you are married, are you relying on your spouse inappropriately?
Q Do you need to connect yourself in new ways?