Dealing with Conflict

Let’s talk about how to deal with conflict!

Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

Hebrews 12:14 says “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy.”

Two men who lived in a small village got into a terrible dispute that they could not resolve. So they decided to talk to the town sage. The first man went to the sage’s home and told his version of what happened. When he finished, the sage said, "You’re absolutely right." The next night, the second man called on the sage and told his side of the story. The sage responded, "You’re absolutely right." Afterward, the sage’s wife scolded her husband. "Those men told you two different stories and you told them they were absolutely right. That’s impossible they can’t both be absolutely right." The sage turned to his wife and said, "You’re absolutely right."

In fact, the greatest Peacemaker ever said, “I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.”

-Peace-makers are motivated out of love - real love.

If we really love, then there are times we will love someone to much to let them stay the way they are. We will quite enabling them.

Matthew 18:15-17 (NLT)
15 “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. 16 But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. 17 If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.

Matthew 18:15-20 (p. 695) –

15 "If your brother sins against you, complain about him to other people…
15 "If your brother sins against you, write a letter to the church board…
15 "If your brother sins against you, spread rumors about them by calling for “prayer requests” about something you know will get tongues wagging…
15 "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.
Ahh, that’s what it says.

1. Not all offense is sin.

Just because your feelings are hurt about something, it doesn’t mean that they have sinned against you.

If you’re offended or hurt about something, you need to ask yourself if there was really sin involved or if it’s really just an issue that you wear you feelings on your sleeves.

We live in a world where it’s all about our rights, and we have the right to be offended at anything we want!

I’ve tended to be thin skin in the past, and the way God allows you to toughen up is He puts people into your life that bug you and hurt you.

The only way to a thick skin is to be around people you don’t like and who don’t always like you.

Did they sin against you? What Scripture or Scriptural principle can you point to?

If they have committed a sin, it can be addressed. If not, maybe you need to examine yourself and see if there is an issue of pride that’s getting in the way.

2. Not all offense is intentional.

Sometimes people sin against others completely unintentionally.

They didn’t mean to do it, and they didn’t even know they did it.

Yet it’s so easy to assign a malicious motive and believe that they did it knowingly and on purpose.

In any case, talking to the person to clear it up is usually

all it takes to find out that there was nothing malicious or intentional.

And I’ve noticed that when a person finds out that something they’ve done or said was offensive, they’ll usually apologize and work to not let it happen again.

If they’re mature, that is. If not, they’ll continue, and at that point, if they know it hurts or is offensive and they continue to do it, it is sin, because they are knowingly and intentionally hurting someone, and the Bible is clear that we’re not supposed to do that.

3. The best remedy is the quick remedy.

The Bible says in Ephesians that we shouldn’t let the sun go down on our anger.

I think that if people would commit to taking a deep breath to make sure they’ve got a case and then deal with it right away, things would be taken care of quickly, hurt feelings can be healed, and relationships can be restored.

But you know what happens a lot of the time?

A person who is hurt, whether it was really sin or not, whether it was intentional or not, decides to just let that simmer in their hearts and stomach.

Forgiveness doesn’t even enter the picture, because they’d rather sit and stew about something for days, months, and even years. Decades.

All that does is poison your soul. Bitterness is not a Christian value. It eats at your heart and pretty soon, everything you see and hear, especially in connection to that person is tainted by your bitter unforgiveness.

Get it out of the way. Deal with it as quickly as possible.

We need to mature as Christians and get over the pettiness.

Proverbs 19:11 (NLT)
11 Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.

What’s the mature thing to do?

Go to the person who has hurt you. How complicated is that? Not complicated at all.

If you haven’t talked the offender, it’s sin to talk to anyone else.

If you come to me complaining about someone, the first thing I’m going to say is this: “Have you talked to them about this? If you haven’t, then I can’t get involved. Jesus says I can’t.”

I will try to help you if you need me set up a meeting or phone call or etc. But I can’t do for you what Jesus commands you to do.

If you decide that you don’t want to do that and would rather handle it then go ahead.

But remember, that is sin. And for the life of me, I don’t understand how someone thinks the results are going to be better by doing it in a sinful manner.

Does it make sense to believe that a godly result will follow sinful actions? I don’t think so.

So go to the person. Before you go to anyone else.

If you’re afraid to meet with them, call them on the phone or write a letter. Even an e-mail is better than nothing.

But do something – take the initiative.

Back in chapter five of Matthew, Jesus says that if we know someone has something against us, we should do something about it.

Here Jesus says that if we have something against someone else, we should do something about it.

We are never commanded to wait for the other person.

It’s always YOUR turn to make things right. Always.

But understand something here, and this is extremely important:

THE GOAL IS RESTORATION, NOT TO CONVICT.

You’re not out to beat the person up, you’re there to show them that what they are doing goes against Christ’s commands.

So you go to them – alone. And pray that God does something to show the person his or her sin, and leads them to repentance.

And if they acknowledge their sin and ask forgiveness, then you need to grant it to them.

Don’t let bitterness and anger lead you to the sin of unforgiveness.

When you go to that person here are some steps to remember!

1). Conflict is a natural part of growth and is therefore inevitable.
2). Recognize the root differences between people - When you notice a disagreement between people, ask the Lord to give you a Spirit of wisdom in understanding the person’s basic needs. A lack of trust in God or His promises will manifest itself in all kinds of insecurities and dysfunctional behavior.
3). Be quick to hear and slow to speak while trying to assess a person’s real problem.
4). Differentiate between surface causes and root causes of the conflicts.
5). Try not to locate blame on a person, but on their actions, attitudes, or the issue at hand.
6). Do not try to drag up past mistakes and link them haphazardly with the present

problem.
7). Suggest several possible causes and allow the counselee to affirm or deny the validity of one of the alternative assumptions.
8). Do not allow the issue to blow out of proportion.
9). Consult other authorities connected to issues revolving around the conflict for intercessory help, but only after seeking out the will of God from the scriptures.
10). Remind each person of the definition of overcoming love - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record or wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.