Getting Real about Marriage

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. “Dad,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my future wife will be put off by them.”

“No problem,” said his dad. “All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed.” Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. “Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”

“Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.”

“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”

Her mother said simply, “Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth. Not a word,” her mother affirmed. Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.

The loving couple was finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn, the husband woke with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searched the bed. This, of course, woke his bride, who without thinking, immediately asked, “What on earth are you doing?”

“Oh, no!” he gasped in shock, “You’ve swallowed my sock!” (1)

Although our fears may be different, we all had fears about marriage. What if, after we are married, she wants out, or he decides he wants something different. What if he is not the same person after marriage, What if I never really got to know the real person behind the mask? All of these and real fears. Many pass, but some fears continue, and if they are not dealt with they can destroy a marriage. This morning I would like for us to look at three such fears.

WE FEAR OUR MISTAKES- vv 11-13

Genesis 3:11–13 (NIV84)

11 And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”

12 The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

13 Then the LORD God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

We have all made mistakes, yes, even you. But we are afraid to admit we have blown it. We find hard to say the words, “Yes, I was wrong.” But we are more like Adam then we wish to admit.

Notice, God said, “Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from.” And Adam, stepped up to the plate and admitted his mistake, right? Not! Instead he blamed someone else, anyone else, this time it was his wife. Listen, “The woman you put here with me- she gave me some fruit from the tree.”

And so it goes, We are afraid to admit we have made a mistake.

If you admit a weakness to your spouse, you might fear they may reject you, they may ridicule you, they may laugh at you, they may use it against you and exploit you.

So what happens, we continue to hide our mistakes, our faults, our errors. Just like Adam, instead of going to God and saying, I blow it. He made clothes out of leaves. He tried the old cover up. We continue to cover-up our mistakes with lies, misdirection, and fabrications. But, then when we get caught we move to the blame game. And so the cycle continues.

Fear not only causes problems but it continues problems. It perpetuates them. We say, "I'm afraid and I'm too scared to admit the problem. I'm too afraid to talk about it. I'm too scared to ask for help. So I will ignore it. I'll pretend it doesn't exist." The pain just gets bigger and bigger.

We never change our faults until the pain is greater than the fear. Then we get desperate and say, "I can't take it any more! Now I'll change." Fear is such a motivator, we never change until the fear is exceeded by pain and we finally say, "OK, I don't care what I'm afraid of. I'm going to change."

When we fear our faults we become defensive.

How refreshing it would be during this political season to have someone stand up and say, I just was not thinking, I was wrong, I made a mistake. I might vote for that person out of pure shock.

The best answer, honesty. Yes, truth telling. Talking to each other.

Redbook magazine recently reported that money and in-laws are no longer the major causes of divorce, though they once were. Studies today show that lack of communication is the leading cause of marriage breakup. It is not the only problem, of course. But communication heads the list.

Ask your self when it comes to mistakes, “What is it like to married to me?” Am I open and honest, or do I hide.

TRANS: WE NOT ONLY FEAR OUR MISTAKES, BUT WE ALSO FEAR OUR FEELINGS.

WE FEAR OUR FEELINGS (vs. 7)

Genesis 3:7 (NIV84)

7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

Before sin entered the story Adam and Eve were honest about everything. Let me take you back in the story.

Genesis 2:25 (NIV84)

25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

Notice two things about Adam and Eve. First they were naked, Not just physically, but emotionally. They were free, no mask to wear, no cover-ups, no deception. The second thing to notice was they felt no shame. They felt no disgrace, no humiliation, no embarrassment.

That would be perfect, but as soon as sin enters the picture, we find them hiding from each other behind leaves, and hiding from God. The result, now, each time you open your mouth a part of your worries about being humiliated, or embarrassed.

If I say what I am feeling, we people still love me, will they accept me, will they respect me. Or will they laugh at me, or make fun of me behind my back.

What it I tell my spouse how I really feel, that would happen.

John Power wrote a book Why Am I afraid To Tell You Who I Am? The answer is I'm afraid to tell you who I am because what I am is all I've got. And if I tell you what I'm really like and you don't like it, I'm dead!

We have two selves. We have the public self we show to everybody that says, "I'm cool. I've got it all together. Everything's going fine." Then we have the private self that has fears, apprehensions, doubts, hang-ups, and is scared of feelings.

Hurt feelings frighten us. We don't like to admit that we're vulnerable. We don't like to admit that we've been hurt. We play a game I call "Is something wrong?"

Is something wrong?"

"No, no. I'm OK."

"Are you sure?"

"No, I'm OK."

"I can tell something is wrong."

"No, everything's fine!"

We are not just afraid of hurt feelings, but Negative Feelings also frighten us.

We don’t like to admit we are angry. We have all said it, “I not angry, I am not raising my voice.”

The truth is all marriages have ups and downs. Some days you feel really close to your spouse, not days not so much. We all get angry.

Rick Warren said in one of his sermons, “I asked my mom if she ever wanted to leave dad, if she ever considered divorce.” She said, “I never considered divorcing your father, divorce was never an option, divorce no, murder yes.”

Ask your self when it comes to feelings, “What is it like to married to me?” Am I open and honest, or do I hide.

TRANS: WE HAVE DISCOVERED WE FEAR OUR MISTAKES, AND WE FEAR OUR FEELINGS, BUT THERE IS ONE MORE AREA OF FEAR THAT CAN WREAK OUR MARRIAGES.

WE FEAR FOR OUR LOSS OF INDEPENDENCE. (vs 2:24)

Genesis 2:24 (NIV84)

24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

Marriage changes your entire life. Notice that in marriage there is a leaving and a uniting.

First both the man and woman need to leave their father and mother.

When you enter into marriage you need to leave. The word used is Abaz. Is the word for loose, or forsake. It comes from the idea of cutting off like with a meat cleaver.

Many marriage are wreaked because husbands and wife have never left mom and dad.

You don’t make potatoes like mom did.

You are not as caring as my dad was. And on it goes.

Marriage need to begin with a new start. Not only must we leave, be we also need to unite, or as the King James puts it, cleave to each other.

The idea is to glue two pieces of wood together so they become one board. If you have ever worked with wood you know sometimes you need to create a board by binding two separate pieces together. When God we are to cleave to each other, He means we are to be bond so tightly to each other, other can separate us.

If you are asking do you loss your independence, the answer is, ah, yeah. You are not long two people, but one. I know this flies in the face of the modern idea of marriage.

Just because society has changed it mind about marriage does not mean God has.

Marriage is between and man and a women. Two flaued, broken people joined together as one.

So what is the answer to all these fears, commitment and communication.

In 1984 Jean Grasso Fitzpatrick researched successful marriages and then wrote an article for the New York Daily News titled, “Marriage for the Long Haul.” Here is what she had to say:

“In the neighborhood where I grew up, there was a white-haired couple who often went off for a stroll around supper time. I’m still touched by how comfortable they looked together, walking hand in hand down the road past the trees and houses where their children had once played.

“It’s the longing for that--not for fairy tale bliss or the romance or a A breakup of a marriage is not only a sin of a man against his wife or a wife against her husband, it is also a sin against God’s purpose for marriage. Husbands and wives should make every effort to preserve a union once made. Of course, the problem with marriage is that it is the union of two fallible creatures. None of us is completely righteous, no matter who we may be. And, therefore, we depend on the grace and mercy of God--that propels couples to the altar; the dream of lifelong companionship that grows closer with each year as we accumulate layer upon layer of shared memories.

“We all begin our married lives by making a commitment to that when we repeat the vows ‘For better, for worse;’ and ‘till death us do part.’

“Do the couples who stay together possess a special knack for translating their commitment into a code of daily behavior that keeps it strong?

“The first thing I discovered was that these couples, no matter what their ages, start out with what some might call an old-fashioned idea--for them, marriage is for keeps. ‘Commitment,’ said one wife, ‘means no escape clause.’”

Is that an old-fashioned idea--that marriage is for keeps? Perhaps. However, that simply means that society has changed. It does not mean God’s ideal has changed. It has not.

“At the beginning of creation,” said Jesus, “God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Ask your self when it comes to A LOSS OF INDEPENDENCE, “What is it like to married to me?” Am I open and honest, or do I hide.

How many marraiges would be helped it only both people were not afraid of there mistakes. Instead, owned their mistakes, saw them not as something to hide, but something to learn from. Instead of playing the blame game, said, I did and I am sorry. Imagine for a moment how strong a marriage we all would have if we entered with the idea there is only commitment, no escape clause. Instead of running or hiding, you stay and talk it out. What a difference it would make, in the family, the church, and the community if marriage was “till death us do part.”