Forgiveness

PRAYER

God, thank you for brining us together this morning, we pray that as we reflect on your Word that the meditations of our heart and mind will be pleasing in your sight. In Jesus name we pray, Amen.

INTRODUCTION

Last week we talked about SPEAKING LIFE… about how people who insult, hurt, offend and frustrate us can sometimes bring out the worst of us…

That we can be tempted to respond in kind… with criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling…

I hope that you had a week of heightened awareness about how you used your words. I know I did. Several times I caught myself saying something and realized that it was some version of criticism or contempt… And I had that opportunity to ask God to help me be a better witness…

If you recall, last week… we said that it’s difficult to be kind to people unless there’s forgiveness in our lives. There were a couple of passages we highlighted to address kindness… and its roots in receiving God’s forgiveness and extending forgiveness to others.

- Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind and compassionate to one another… forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”[ii]

- Colossians 3:13 tells us “Bear with each other… and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

If you think of your life as a TREE… then perhaps, as Christians, the fruit of the SPIRIT hangs from your branches… but if that’s the case, the taste of the fruit will depend much upon the health of the soil.

You could think of forgiveness we receive from God, and forgiveness we extend man… as 2 indicators as to the health of your soil.

That said… I’d like to spend some time thinking with you about the nature of forgiveness in our lives.

SCRIPTURE READING

Let me turn your attention to the Gospel of Matthew, Chp. 18:21-35… the Parable of the Unforgiving Debtor. I’m reading from the New Living Translation.

21 Then Peter came to [Jesus] and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone* who sins against me? Seven times?”

22 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!

23 “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. 24 In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. 25 He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt.

26 “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ 27 Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt.

28 “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment.

29 “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. 30 But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full.

31 “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. 32 Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. 33 Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ 34 Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt.

35 “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters* from your heart.” [iii]

That’s quite the message this morning… That we - might - forgive!

ILLUSTRATION

You know, I personally deal with the topic of forgiveness A LOT. I have 2 children! And all the parents said AMEN.

When our kids were younger we found ourselves in a daily cycle of tears… “What’s wrong!?” “Now, say you’re sorry,” … and “I forgive you.”

It’s a pattern followed by parents, especially Christian parents, everywhere…. Sometimes every hour.

And that’s true because the ideas of repentance and forgiveness are hugely important to our faith – and to our lives! We need to repent of our sin. And as God has forgiven us, we need to extend forgiveness.

BUT… ::pause:: Well, sometimes… it seems like we’ve boiled down our conversation about forgiveness, even as adults to, “Someone hurt you, ‘Bad, person. Say you’re sorry. Good. They’re sorry. Say you forgive them. Good.” Let’s let it go and move on.

Now, in truth, the primary Greek verb in the New Testament used to indicate forgiveness is “afihmi,” which in general terms conveys the idea of “letting go.” [iv] (I admit that I am sorely tempted to break into Frozen song lyrics… but I’ve promised myself not to.)

The point here is that scripturally, FORGIVENESS carries this idea of “letting it go.”

But you know what I think… some of us have interpreted that in various ways… and in such ways, that a lot of harm comes from what people “let go of” in the name of forgiveness.

What do I mean?

ILLUSTRATION:

Well, as a Chaplain, I have the privilege of walking alongside people in troubled seasons of life. And I’ve discovered that when people are victimized, OFTEN the very words of our Lord Jesus… has been used to:

(1) trap people in unhealthy situations & relationships

(2) OR, enable offenders to remain in sinful cycles of destructive behavior…

We see this happen in all kinds of relationships: where one person is subject to emotional abuse or physical violence of another…

BUT when the offending party is called out… they employ 2 very powerful words, “I’m sorry…”

And the victim, the hurt person is now, by our cultural adaptation of Scripture, “required” to forgive them. To “let it go,” to “forgive and forget.”

And do you know what USUALLY happens next? The hurt people get hurt even more… and the offending parties aren’t ever forced to deal with their stuff!

It turns the sin we’ve forgiven into a boomerang that comes right back at us!

Is that really what forgiveness is after? I don’t think any one of us sees ANY redemptive value in that!?!

But, IF THAT’S NOT what God intends….then how do we make sense of God’s imperative that we forgive so freely! After all, according to the Scriptures, according TO Jesus: we are to forgive 70 times 7… even to forgive when our offender’s repeats the offense…

HOW do we make sense of that?

IF we would make sense of it… IF want to ensure that forgiveness is freeing people rather than burdening them down… then we’re responsible for moving beyond the flat, one-dimensional perspective we have regarding forgiveness… and clarifying what “let it go” really means!

I believe Scripture speaks to at least 2 different dimensions of Forgiveness:

(1) Judicial Forgiveness, and

(2) Psychological Forgiveness

(3) Relational Forgiveness

Let’s talk about these 3 dimensions to forgiveness together:

(1) First, there is Judicial Forgiveness: judicial forgiveness is God’s forgiveness… it involves the remission and pardoning of sin by God alone.

And as we repent, God forgives. It’s the heartbeat of 1 John 1:9, “9 But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness..”

It lies at the very heart of Christianity. And, Scripture is clear on this, it requires the repentance of sinners before God.

We might say that IT’S the MOST IMPORTANT forgiveness in life… but it’s not the only dimension to forgiveness…

There is a 2nd dimension, (2) Psychological Forgiveness.

(2) Psychological Forgiveness: is what MOST references in Scripture call us as Christians to do. “It is the inner, personal category of forgiveness.”

This is what we see commanded in the parable we just read.

And it’s referenced elsewhere. Take Colossians 3:13 we read earlier, which records the imperative to: “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you.”

Now, Psychological Forgiveness, “… has two aspects: (1) it involves letting go of hatred and personal revenge; AND (2) it involves extending grace to the offender.”[v]

LET’S be clear about what “letting go” does and doesn’t mean.

We should let go of the our “hatred and desire for personal revenge.”

But it DOESN’T mean letting go of our desire for justice…. Scripture’s clear that unrepentant sinners will receive what’s due. Hey, you can even pray for that. But YOU ALSO have to let go of your desire to exact that justice yourself. Without qualification, God commands that we give up the right to hurt someone because they hurt us… We have to put justice in the hands of God.

Is it easy? No! I think, perhaps, that’s why in verse 22 Jesus says we are to extend forgiveness”…Not seven times, but seventy times seven!” This is a recognition that that’s about how often we’ll have to engage in the process of forgiveness…. Because at about the time you’re convinced you’ve let go of your hatred or desire for revenge, it sneaks up on you again. And you have to turn it over to God and let it go again!

NOTE THE DIFFERENCES

Now, NOTE the difference between God’s Judicial forgiveness & Psychological Forgiveness. While Judicial forgiveness REQUIRES repentance of the offending party… Psychological forgiveness does NOT… in fact, it has NO qualifications at all.

If you’ve been thinking, “Well, when they get their act straight… or when they change… or when they come around… or when they… fill in the blank.” You’re wrong!

If you’re expecting their repentance BEFORE you release them from your judgment – you’ve playing God… and poorly at that. Scripture tells us that we need to “let go” of our desire to exact justice, to see it meted out…

We ALSO need to EXTEND GRACE. Now, a lot of times, I think we get this wrong. People assume this means a return to the way things were…

But, hear me, “letting go and extending grace” does NOT mean pretending everything’s OK… In fact, in most cases, at this juncture, everything is NOT OKAY.

But that’s the thing, where GOD’S Judicial forgiveness is about healing the relationship with us… Our psychological forgiveness is NOT about healing the relationship with the offending party. It’s about honoring what God, in Jesus, has done for us… and honoring that which He calls us to.

It’s about recognizing that however badly someone has hurt us OR others, ultimately they need, just as we need, God’s forgiveness… and it means extending “kindness” to our enemies with a view toward their own repentance and healing. Because, we know, the heartbeat of God is for ALL people to know Him.

AND that’s why Jesus gets so hot and bothered about us denying this forgiveness to others. Because it ultimately rejects the power of the Gospel for their salvation. ::pause::

TRANSITION TO HEALING

OK, where does that leave us? We have (1) Judicial Forgiveness , which is God’s part & (2) Psychological Forgiveness, which is our part – and BOTH primarily deal with our relationship with GOD. What’s missing the relationship with the offending party…

This is evident in passages like Luke 17:3, RELATIONAL forgiveness is entirely contingent on the repentance of the offender. Luke records, “If another believer* sins, rebuke that person; then IF there is repentance, forgive.”[vi]

You see, Luke’s NOT saying if they don’t repent you get to withhold your psychological forgiveness… no no, that’s a given. Remember, no qualifications! He’s saying, in the same way that WHEN there’s repentance God extends judicial forgiveness that restores relationship…. WHEN there’s genuine repentance, we should likewise extend relational forgiveness that restores relationship.

That said, I want you to note the conditional quality of this forgiveness, “IF there is repentance, then forgive.” That’s very different from the psychological forgiveness where we are to forgive without qualification.

And it’s helpful, too! Often, we assume that in the same way that God’s forgiveness brings reconciliation with us, then when Scripture commands we forgive, our forgiveness MUST bring reconciliation with those who hurt us. However, that’s patently untrue.

Psychological Forgiveness may OPEN the DOOR to reconciliation, but it certainly doesn’t guarantee it. AND Reconciling or Relational Forgiveness is not solely your responsibility!!

Relational Forgiveness ONLY happens when the relational math is right. That is, think of it like an equation. RECONCILIATION (Relational

Forgiveness) only occurs when REPENTENCE is equal to FORGIVENESS.

That means…when someone hurts you, you have the opportunity to forgive… they have the opportunity to repent. But if both don’t contribute 100%, then the equation won’t balance out and ultimately reconciliation won’t be possible until the repentance & forgives balance out.

CAVEATS TO RELATIONAL FORGIVENESS

So, OK, let’s say they repent. They say they’re sorry. Is that enough? Well, that’s a START… but let’s be honest, an apology is never a sure indicator of repentance. Repentance, in Scripture, is defined as a complete “turning around.”

These days, apologies more often express regret at the aftermath rather than an interest in change. So, on this point, depending on the nature of the offense, it’s possible that much more than, “I’m sorry” may be required to balance the equation of reconciliation so that repentance and forgiveness balance out. Otherwise, we’re giving someone free reign to hurt us… and that makes a mockery of forgiveness.

Also, this is important, though you may extend Relational Forgiveness, that DOES NOT mean that you eliminate all the negative consequences! Scripture has multiple examples where God extends forgiveness AND consequences.

In fact, it is the consequences in cooperation with forgiveness, that often helps spur people into growth and transformation. Without consequences, we can make a mockery of forgiveness, using it as a tool of enabling sin rather than dealing with it.

RECAP

So there you have it: (1) God’s judicial forgiveness, (2) our unqualified Psychological forgiveness, and the hope of (3) Reconciling (or Relational) Forgiveness with genuine repentance from our offenders.

I guess now the question is, “So what?”

Here’s my hope for you today… as we think about what God calls us to in our relationships… it this:

1. First, as underscored in the Parable we read together, we must continue to hold before ourselves the incredible need we have of God’s forgiveness.

And IF we acknowledge that, I hope we recognize ALSO how important forgiving others is to REMAINING CONNECTED to GOD. Scripture’s pretty clear, if we withhold psychological forgiveness, OR if we withhold relational forgiveness when genuine repentance is evident – then we are not worthy of God’s forgiveness.

2. Secondly, I hope that the distinction between Psychological Forgiveness and Relational Forgiveness – will help remove some barriers to forgiveness….

On the one hand – perhaps it will lift the unnecessary burden of having to “reconcile” with people who aren’t repentant. That’s not on us. Your responsibility in a relationships is spelled out in Romans 12, “As much as it depends upon you, be at peace…”

When it says, as much as it depends up on you… that means we need to extend psychological forgiveness, it may yet open the door to our offender’s repentance.

3. Thirdly, I hope it’s helpful understanding that forgiveness doesn’t mean the elimination of consequences. I hope that will help shape the way you deal with people in destructive cycles of behavior… or the way you encourage those who are in similar situations. That we might not enable sin, but help to deal with it.

All this taken together, I hope that it will remind us what a powerful thing forgiveness is. In oversimplifying forgiveness, our misunderstandings have led us to withhold forgiveness…

Still, a lot more people have been held hostage in unhealthy relationships and circumstances because they were told to “forgive” and that meant “it’s all OK”.

It’s NOT OKAY. Forgiveness is only necessary precisely b/c its NOT OKAY. So, forgiving, is NOT saying “it’s OK.” Forgiving is recognizing that something may very well need to change, but the way toward that is trusting in God’s justice, personally letting go of our personal hatred, extending God’s grace, and when genuine repentance happens, it’s opening the door to God’s healing power.

FORGIVING GOD

Maybe all of this is difficult… because you feel like there are things you hold against God… sometimes people will talk about the need we have to forgive God.

I don’t think you have any grounds for that… We can’t forgive God. We don’t have the right or authority. But I think we have to learn to TRUST God… and someday what frustrates us will be made clear as to why certain things have happened.

Honestly, the entire conversation is about trusting God… can we trust him to deal appropriately with people who have hurt us? Or do we trust more in ourselves?

God calls us to place our trust in Him… to forgive as He has forgiven us…

I invite you to pray with me.

PASTORAL PRAYER

Father, thank you for your word which instructs our lives, and for your Holy Spirit, who guides us into your hopes for our lives. We pray that we might cultivate a sensitivity to both. We pray too, that if there is a something we need to forgive, that we might take steps to let go of personal hatred and vengeance and extend grace.

We pray that you will give us wisdom as we navigate relationships where we’ve been hurt repeatedly, and help us to create boundaries that honor the forgiveness you call us to, but that don’t make a mockery of it by enabling sin….

We pray that your forgiveness would free us, and others, from the power of sin, and would restore us in right relationship with you and each other. And when it is hard, Father, we pray that we will know the presence and empowerment of your Holy Spirit. And so we pray:

CLOSING SONG

BENEDICTION

[i] Tyndale House Publishers. (2013). Holy Bible: New Living Translation (1 Pe 1:3–5). Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers.

[ii] The Holy Bible: New International Version. (1984). (Eph 4:29–32). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[iii] Tyndale House Publishers. (2013). Holy Bible: New Living Translation (Mt 18:21–35). Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers.

[iv] Tracy, Steven R. (2009-05-26). Mending the Soul: Understanding and Healing Abuse (Kindle Locations 3405-3407). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

[v] Tracy, Steven R. (2009-05-26). Mending the Soul: Understanding and Healing Abuse (Kindle Locations 3494-3496). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

[vi] Tyndale House Publishers. (2013). Holy Bible: New Living Translation (Lk 17:3–4). Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers.