2022-01-23 The Legacy Question

The Legacy Question

When my wife tells people that she “tried a new restaurant” what she means is that she went to a place that is different from the one where she normally orders a beef chimichanga - and tried their beef chimichanga. Can anybody else identify?

Well, let me switch family members here… Specifically I want to share with you about my Dad.

My own Dad’s story

His Dad died when my Dad was 19. Tragic accident with a heat stroke.

Dad went to college but didn’t complete. Not that he didn’t want to. He did. But my Dad had to figure out how to be a grandfather, and a father-in-law all on his own. You see, his grandfather was a PK. That’s short for Pastor’s Kid. A PK that coincidentally was a recorded Pastor of Spiceland Quarterly Meeting - that’s code for somewhere else in the Friends Church.

Fast forward a few years later and a tornado comes through, wipes out the Friends church that my Dad was the Monthly Meeting Clerk of, and they don’t have enough resources to rebuild. He felt as though he was letting people down, but had no choice in it. Fast forward a few short years later and we are attending New Castle First Friends. Dad and Mom help with the youth group. Dad taught me to take time to talk with people and hear their problems, and where possible help.

All of this to say, these are the stories that make up our lives. And we get the opportunity to decide what they say about us.

What I didn’t grasp as a child when I was growing up , but is abundantly clear to me now is that my father’s story is simply a series of outcomes connected to a series of decisions. You see, He was writing chapters in the story of my life, one decision at a time. While there are no perfect stories, he certainly wrote a good one. One worth telling and retelling.

You see, I never met my great-great grandfather, but his decisions, which created his story, would eventually intersect with his great-great grandson.

If my Dad had any idea that I would be a Pastor someday, would he have still been so down about his decision to move on after a tornado? I don’t know. It might have been different, but it might not.

You see, our private decisions don’t remain private. Our personal decisions impact other people. One our story becomes their story, it’s their story to tell.

Which brings us to our second question.

Question #2: The Legacy Question: What story do you want to tell?

Every decision you make, every decision becomes a permanent part of your story. The story of your life. Every decision you make has an outcome, a consequence, a result. It may be good or bad. Desirable, undesirable. Expected, unexpected. Whatever the case, that outcome becomes a permanent part of the story of your life.

You went out with him. He was a jerk. But he was cute. And he was convenient. And there wasn't anybody else on the horizon. Two years later, the whole thing just evaporated. You saw it coming, but felt stuck.

Now part of your story is that you wasted two years of your life dating in a relationship with someone that you knew early on was ...well ... wasn't the one.

Your boss asked you to lie to a client. You're not a liar, but you lied. The client called you on it. Your boss threw you under the bus. You lost your job.

Now, part of your story is that you lied and lost your job over it.

The better story would have been, You refused to lie and lost your job over it.

Your friends wanted to go out. You had an exam the next day. You told your friends no. They pressed. You pressed back and stayed in your dorm. You aced the exam and now you have a diploma with an honors sticker to show for it.

You'll never forget that night. Meanwhile, your college friends are ... well ... you're not sure where they are.

Decision by decision, you are writing the story of your life.

Decision by decision, you are writing the story of your life. So, when you're making a decision of any magnitude, you owe it to yourself to pause, look ahead, and ask yourself: "What story do I want to tell?”

Here's another angle

The decisions you're in the middle of making right now ... this week . . . today . . . are going to be reduced to a story you tell. Once it's behind you, it's a story. Period. If you lost your job recently, surviving this season without a job is going to be a story you tell someday.

What story do you want to tell?

I lost my job. I was embarrassed. I told friends I was doing consulting work. But I wasn't consulting; I was consoling myself every afternoon with a bottle. I racked up a ton of debt. I lost the respect of my wife and kids. Maybe worse, I lost my self-respect.

That's not a good story. Losing a job . . . going for a prolonged period of time without meaningful work is terrifying and demeaning. But the decisions one makes in the valleys are eventually just stories they tell on the other side. Write a good story.

Decide a good story.

Perhaps you're dating someone and things are going really well, but there's someone else at the office who's caught your eye. She's married. In spite of that, you find yourself gravitating in her direction, primarily because she seems to be gravitating in yours as well. Eventually she makes it clear that if you're willing, she's willing. Sounds fun. But your decision becomes part of your story. A permanent part.

What story do you want to tell?

You got involved with a married woman at work. You lied to your girlfriend ... you busted this woman's marriage. Now her kids ping-pong between two homes on the weekends.

Is that really the story you want to tell? I don't think so. In fact, that would be a story you hope nobody finds out about.

The challenge is, most of us don't think this way. Life as story. Here's something I know about you, even you though we haven’t talked about it: You would like to be able to tell your entire story without skipping any chapters or having to lie about the details.

Right?

Someday, you would like to be able to sit down with your kids or grandkids and tell 'em your story. Your entire story. And as they get older, you would like to be able to add layers and details rather than hoping they don’t ask.

Fog of the moment

We tend to not think in terms of story when making decisions. Story is for later. Decisions are for now. We think in terms of pressure and emotion and we feel in the moment.

Emotion is like a fog.

It causes us to lose sight of the broader context.

When we’re under pressure, it’s hard to think about tomorrow, let alone the story that we’re going to tell. We’ve got to get through today. Emotions cloud the decision making process by focusing our attention on the immediate rather than the ultimate.

If we flip it around though, it becomes much clearer.

Think about your worst decisions. They are fueled by something with strong emotional appeal. Not rational, but emotional.

There is a term for this…

Focalism: The tendency to rely too heavily on initial information.

Focalism, or anchoring as it’s sometimes referred to, is the tendency we all have to rely too heavily on initial information and the emotion it elicits when making a decision. The initial information, enhanced by the accompanying feelings, becomes larger than life and taints or blurs other facts and bits of information that should be taken into consideration. Essentially, we lose focus of our surroundings, our decision-making context, and hyper focus on the thing, opportunity, option, or person in front of us.

Heard a cute story about two men that were sitting together at a local coffee shop, and one of them had a cup of coffee, but no spoon. Trying to get the waitress’s attention, the man called out “Excuse me, this coffee is too hot to stir with my finger.” And it worked! A minute later, the waitress returned with another cup of coffee. “Here, this one isn’t so hot.”

You see, the man was focused on his lack of a spoon, and the waitress was focused on the cup of coffee.

Or another example of this is...

When you fell in love, all you could see was him.

All you could think about was her.

Everything else faded into the background.

So here’s a tip.

When confronted with anything or anybody that has strong emotional appeal, press pause, not play. Strong emotional appeal should trigger a red flag, not a green light. When something is emotionally appealing, instead of leaning in, we should step back. Not because he’s not the one. He may be. Not because it’s not a good investment. It may be. Not because it’s not the perfect job. It may be. We should step back because anything with strong emotional appeal . . . even the right thing . . . clouds our judgment. So pause. Get your bearings. Go home and think about it. Call a friend. Consider your story.

Not the First

We’re not the first generation to wrestle with our legacy. In fact, around 1850 b.c. there was a kid named Joseph was in a tough spot.

It was evident that his Father liked him more than his eleven brothers. So they take him out into the dessert, and sell him off as a slave to some Egyptians. They take his coat and put goat’s blood on it and put on a show for their Dad, faking their grief that a wild beast has obviously gotten the better of Joseph.

And you thought your family had problems?

Joseph ends up in Egypt, makes a name for himself by being trustworthy. Gets promoted to the head of a household, and then gets falsely accused of an affair.

This is what Joseph says:

Genesis 39:9 (NIV)

No one is greater in this house than I am. My master has withheld nothing from me except you, because you are his wife. How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?”

Circle the word “and”

this is the key in Genesis that doesn’t get pointed out very often. Up into this point, the scriptures have been about how God fulfills his promises even when man fails. That God pulls through. Joseph is the first story where we see an example that doesn’t fall short, but that pulls through with a victory. It is the first story of RESPONSE to God’s will and goodness. This word “AND” is a hitching post that slingshots us toward what would be the fulfillment of God’s promises when His people respond with “righteousness and justice.”

You See Joseph had two options here...

Joseph’s options: 1. I don’t want to disappoint the guy who hired me to be head of his house... OR 2. I do have the affair and take everything that I can get because life hasn’t been fair to me.

Joseph’s options: 1. I don’t want to disappoint the guy who hired me to be head of his house... OR 2. I do have the affair and take everything that I can get because life hasn’t been fair to me.

Which part do I want to be a part of my story.

Potiphar hears the lies his wife is telling and grows angry with Joseph. He has Joseph imprisoned for a crime he didn’t commit.

Sounds like the intro to a tv show, right? But no, this is truly in the Bible. In fact, this narrative of Joseph may have been the inspiration for all those tv shows.

So our guy Joseph, gets thrown in prison, where he interprets dreams for a few guys, and then one day is asked to interpret a dream for the Pharoah. Using God’s wisdom he decides to interpret it and then gets promoted to head of Egypt, with the exception of Pharoah. Egypt goes through a famine and word gets out that Egypt has saved back grain, because of the dream Joseph interpreted and guess what? His eleven brothers show up one day to buy grain from Egypt, and they have to deal with Joseph, only they have no idea who he is...

Genesis 45:1–3 (NIV)

1 Then Joseph could no longer control himself before all his attendants, and he cried out, “Have everyone leave my presence!” So there was no one with Joseph when he made himself known to his brothers. 2 And he wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard him, and Pharaoh’s household heard about it. 3 Joseph said to his brothers, “I am Joseph! Is my father still living?” But his brothers were not able to answer him, because they were terrified at his presence.

The next verse comes from the Dwight Elliott Version of the Scriptures

“And the eldest brother hadeth a cow.”

Actually what happens is that Joseph sees the situation for what it is… that God had sent him in advance to prepare Egypt for a famine, and to prepare this place that they would receive his family. They rejoiced!

Tell the story of Jean Sollars divorce...

Believe it or not, one day, this is just going to be nothing more than a story. One day this will be in the rearview mirror. It’s just going to be one more story.

I did ask, what story do you want to be able to tell your family? Your son? You are going to be tempted to tell stories of your ex husband that are horrible. You are going to be tempted to hit back at him like he’s hitting back at you. But it does not change that your son is half of him and half of you. He will always be your son’s father. Just like you’ll always be your son’s mother. So be careful what you say about your ex because it can come back to haunt you. It’s a decision you have to constantly decide.

Now, fast forward 5 years… He’s not as big a jerk as he was, but she has intentionally stayed away from adding vinegar to the water.

From here on out, write a story worth telling. Write a story that you’re proud to tell. If you in the middle of making a decision right now, stop and ask yourself: Of the available options, which one do I want as a permanent part of the story of my life?

Will you make a second decision today?

Decision #2: The Legacy Decision - I will not decide anything that makes me a liar for life.

Every decision you make becomes a permanent part of your story.

What story do you want to tell?

What story do you want told about you?

The good news is, you get to decide. But you decide one decision at a time, because you write the story of your life… one decision at a time!

Are you ready for Question number 3? ...Really?

… come back next week as we talk about the Conscience Question.