Marriage Killers

Marriage Killers 1/22/2022 AM

The Top Ten Marriage Killers

Eph. 5:21-33

Ephesians 5:21–33 (KJV 1900)

Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

A man asked his wife what she would like for her birthday. Her reply was ‘I would love to be six again”. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear--everything there was! Wow!

📷 Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a Ax throwing. What a fabulous adventure! Finally they both wobbled home to collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. The wife said, "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

This morning we read God’s blueprint for marriage. After I do that I would like to preach a message entitled, “The Top Marriage Killers.” This will not be an exposition of Eph. 5, but it will be a topical message, a practical message. My prayer is it will be a helpful message, not just to the married, but also to the unmarried. I believe these top marriage killers, also kill friendships & other relationships. Let’s go!

An amazing thing happens down at the Linden Power plant, they make electricity and send it out to us over the high tension wires. There are over 13 power stations in New Jersey. The source for our electricity comes from the power plant. But it has to come over the High Tension Wires to Sub-stations. There it runs through transformers along more lines till it gets to a pole w/ another transformer. From the pole it comes to the meter & in to our breaker box in our house. From there wires take it to our electrical outlets. From the power plant to the electrical outlet. We plug in appliances, turn on lights & basically take our electricity for granted.

When my family and I were missionaries in Trinidad we often would lose electricity. It was a very common occurrence.

They lose their electricity frequently, we lose it only when something unusual happens: A lightning strike, a construction or someone drives into a telephone pole. Every once in a while, you see a transformer burn out. These kinds of things kill electricity from coming into our home. The plant is still producing electricity, but somewhere along the way it gets zapped.

That’s the way it is in marriage. God is the source of happy fulfilled marriages. He has given us his blueprint and He sent it out over the lines of the Word of God, but in many homes, the blueprint gets zapped; it gets killed. In the same way lightning stops electricity from making its way into our homes, so there are marriage killers that stop joy & happiness from coming into our homes.

Every day, there are literally hundreds & thousands of lightning strikes across the world. ZAP! (Turn out lights & back on).

Let’s identify the top marriage killers remove them out of our lives:

I. Overcommitment & physical exhaustion

It’s a fact, marriages fall apart because we are just over tired & worn out. The pace of life, the pressure of life, the squeeze that life puts on us is incredible.

Paul realized what life was like all the way back in his day when he said, Don’t allow the world to squeeze you into its own mold. Romans 12: 1 – 2 If it was true in Paul’s day, then it is certainly true in our day and area that we live in. For many of us we are not operating out of our strength, we are operating out of our reserves. Sometimes we hardly have enough energy for each other.

Romans 12:1–2 KJV 1900

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Many times, pastors and Christian workers have the same problem.

This was written for busy pastors: You know you are spending too much time in the study when thou speakest to thy children in parables & prophecies. When you start seeing the evening paper laid out in chapters and verses. When a list of genealogies moves you to tears.

We all have pressure; we all get the full court press from life. Yet, no one ever said on their death bed, “I wish I would have spent more time at the office.” I can promise you, as people come to the end of their life, it suddenly comes down to great simplicity. People wish they would have spent more time with each other. Why not serve God as a family?

The Second killer is:

II. Financial Conflict

Many families fall apart because the finances get tight. Basically, we have too much month at the end of our money. We’ve all been there. The only way we’re ever going to fix that is: “spend less or make more.” That is a fact.

Someone wrote, There are three classes of people:

1.) The Haves 2) The Have-nots 3) The Have not paid for what they have.

Have you ever heard the cute story about a couple named Herman & Mary? Mary’s family had a lot of money & Herman’s did not have any. They got married & Mary tended to goad Herman on the fact that she was the one who had the money.

When they were out driving the car one day, Mary said, “Herman, you know, if it wouldn’t be for me, we wouldn’t have this nice car.” Herman did not say anything.

They pulled into the garage & got out of the car, & looked at the house & Mary said, “Herman, if it wouldn’t be for me, we wouldn’t have this house.” Herman did not say anything.

They walked into the dining room & there they had just gotten some modern furniture and Mary said, “Herman, if it wouldn’t be for me, we wouldn’t have this modern furniture.” Herman did not say anything.

They walked into the family room to this big, beautiful entertainment center, turned on the tv, and Mary said, “Herman, if it weren’t for me, we wouldn’t have this entertainment center.” Herman did not say anything for a few moments, then finally he couldn’t handle it anymore. He said, “Sweetheart, if it wouldn’t be for you and your money, I wouldn’t be here.”

Good Advice: Spend less! Enjoy the simple things!

Get your finances under control. Either you control your finances, or they control you. Put the Lord first. Develop a budget. Watch wasteful spending.

III. Selfishness

* It is a fact that many marriages break up because of plain old selfish behavior. In dating we have a giving mindset, but in marriage we have a receiving mindset. In fact, there are two characteristics of maturity in marriage:

1) We are generous & giving in our marriage.

Our Lord said, “It is more blessed to what? GIVE, then receive! Acts 20:35

Acts 20:35 KJV 1900

I have shewed you all things, how that so labouring ye ought to support the weak, and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he said, It is more blessed to give than to receive.

2) We are forgiving. We have the ability to quickly forgive our children, our spouse, whatever or whoever it is.

Two marks of a mature person: Giving & Forgiving!

Dr. Carl Menninger says, “The number one characteristic of a mature person is that they find more satisfaction in giving than they do in receiving.”

How many times do we find in marriage a couple who before marriage, all they want to do is give, give, give; they just want to please the other person. They have another mindset. But as soon as the marriage begins rather than having a giving mindset, they have a receiving mindset. We’ve all heard it: Husbands and wives saying, “He doesn’t do this, or she doesn’t do that.”

Couples begin to ask themselves, “What can I get out of this marriage? What can I receive out of this marriage? What can this other person give me?”

We begin to focus entirely from a different perspective. A wrong perspective.

IV. Immaturity

Sometimes it is just a lack of maturity that causes marriages to fail.

A husband was talking to his counselor and he said, “Basically, my wife is immature. I’d be at home in the bath, & she’d come in & sink my boats.”

* Abagail Van Burean one time said, “Maturity is the ability to stick with a job until its finished. & do a job without being supervised. To be able to carry dollars without spending them, & to bear an injustice without trying to get even.”

So many times, marriages fall apart because husbands & wives lack maturity & they are constantly demanding their rights. They are constantly wanting to be served and there is no giving. Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition. It is 100%/100% proposition. Both individuals have to give it their best, regardless of what the other is doing at that moment.

* People are only young once, but they can be immature for a lifetime.

V. Pride

*Pride causes many marriages to fall apart.

Peter Marshall was chaplain of the senate. He prayed this wonderful prayer one day, & I love it. He said,

“Lord, when we are wrong make us willing to change, & when we are right, make us easy to live with.” Pretty good prayer, isn’t it? How many times have you gotten into an argument with your mate over the issue of pride?

You knew you were wrong, but it is so hard to admit it, isn’t it? Come on. This is nothing new. It’s been in the human family since Adam & Eve. Way back then, they wanted to blame each other.

God said, “What happened here?” Adam said, ‘It’s the wife, you gave me.” Eve said, ‘It’s the serpent.” Pride always leads to blame shifting!

This whole attitude of pride & wanting to blame someone, this is nothing new. We should have admitted it immediately, & we don’t. Isn’t it true that if you don’t admit it immediately, it gets harder the longer you wait? 3 days later? 3 weeks later? 3 months later?

How many problems that stared as mole hills, & now they have become mountains, just because of pride?

ILL - We as husbands are driving & we are lost. Pride rears its ugly head in the car. Our wife knows we’re lost. She tells us we’re lost. That makes us mad. We know we’re lost. She knows we’re lost. God knows we’re lost. The people in the front yard, that we have passed now three times, they know we’re lost. But we dig in. How many times do we dig in?

Mark Twain said one time, “Temper is what gets us in trouble & pride is what keeps us there.” How true it is.

VI. Pettiness

Undue concern with trivial matters, especially of a small-minded or spiteful nature. Pettiness gets us in trouble. Pettiness is so much a part of the human family. 900 years ago one of the worst wars was fought on the continent of Europe. It was literally fought over the fact that a well bucket was taken... and war broke out.

Do you realize that the 30 year war in Europe basically happened because some little boy threw a stone at the monarch & they declared war & it lasted for 30 years.

This has been in the human family for many years. Sweden & Poland, back in 1664, they went to war over the fact that one of the kings had two asterisks behind his name & the other had three. Now that pettinness is just part of being human. It affects not only heads of states, but it gets right into families between husbands & wives & parents & children. It is a killer, because it has a tendency to wear us down. It erodes like rust. Pettiness is like a drippy faucet. Drip..Drip... Drip. & it stays with us.

A grandmother & grandfather who had been married for 50 years. & several friends had come to celebrate that golden wedding anniversary. & they asked the grandmother, “Tell us what was the secret of your 50 years of success in your marriage.”

& she said, “I really do have an answer.” She said, “Before I married the man that I’ve been married to for 50 years, I sat down & saw that he had some weaknesses. So I decided that I would overlook his top ten faults.”

Somebody said, “Well, what we’re they?” She said, ‘Well, you know, I never wrote them down. I never wrote them down, but I went into the marriage saying I’ll overlook his top ten faults & whenever he did something that was a little ridiculous, I would say to myself, ‘Lucky, for him, that’s on my list.’”

What an incredible attitude! What an incredible spirit to have. What a wonderful mindset to overlook the faults.

VII. Spiritual Disobedience

When we disobey God, our marriage is going to be in trouble. The thing that would be closest to my heart today, this would be #1. You see, I believe that Christians ought to have better marriages, than unbelievers. Amen? I don’t think that is asking too much. After all, we have God’s word to give us guidance in marriage, we have the Holy Spirit to fill us, Jesus Christ has forgiven us our sins, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us, He loves us; He models for us unconditional love. Therefore we can show love & forgiveness to our mates.

But what is so sad is, that many Christian marriages are not stronger than secular marriages. As a pastor I look at this & say, ‘Wait a minute, this should not be.” Remember, when we were talking about the pastor’s prayer, the couple that was getting a divorce & the pastor prayed “Lord, he said, she said, he said, she said, he said, she said, “ & finally at the end of the prayer he prayed, “Not once did I hear them say, “Lord, What do you say about their marriage?”

You see, there are some biblical principles in God’s word about our marriages that are there to secure our marriages. They are safety belts or safety nets for our marriages. That is, if we just obey God & follow His principles, our marriages will be successful.

I’m not saying that Christian marriages won’t have problems, or don’t face difficulties. Marriage is marriage & people are people, but the difference is, if we are Christians we have an entire different belief about marriage. We understand the sanctity of marriage, about God’s helping us in that marriage, & about what the Bible says about marriage.

What amazes me is when Christians, they throw in the towel. They don’t have any biblical grounds, they don’t have any good godly reason for that marriage to fail & fall apart.

They just quit, they just give up. Why? Because of spiritual disobedience.

** There are a number of safety nets in the word of God for your marraige. A. One of the safety nets to keep your marriage on target is the unequally yoked principle. The Bible tells us not to be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. I, as a believer, am not to marry a non-believer. The best way to not get engaged to an unbeliever is not to date an unbeliever. That’s being smart; that’s Prov. 3:5-6.

Christians say, “But I’m not emotionally involved with them.” It doesn’t really matter. I know this: The odds of you getting food are greatly increased if you go to the grocery store. When you start dating someone you increase major odds that you are going to marry that person.

In our house, our kids are not going to date lost people. Call me fanatic, call me what you want, but I just want to obey God’s word.

I’m amazed at Christians who want to marry lost people. I’ll say it kindly, you are walking in disobedience to God if you are becoming emotionally involved with an unbeliever.

* IF you are married to an unbeliever, than you’d better be doubly committed to following the Lord to show God’s love to your unbelieving mate.

Another safety net is:

b. Put our marriage under the Lordship of Jesus Christ. Put Him at the head of our marriage. Seek Him first, Matt. 6:33 & everything else will be added unto you. I can promise you when Christian marriages fall apart they have begun to disobey God. They have partially begun to disobey God’s Word, & partial disobedience is complete disobedience. There are wonderful safety nets if we put Christ first.

VIII. The Inability to enjoy life.

Marriages sometimes fall apart just because they get boring. Courting wasn’t boring! Why should marriage be boring? In courting we planned everything, we got excited about everything.

Some of you have been married for 20 years & you quit dating & courting your wife a long time ago. To be honest with you, well, your boring.

Remember when you first met, how you would plan a date. Think of all the things you wanted to do & you’d pack it in & off you’d go. Now you come home & lay on the sofa & you hope it would happen. You’ve got to see the news. News is same old same old:

Murder, fire, accident; murder, accident; forecast; rain, sunny, cloudy. Why not on your way home listen to KYW for 4 minutes; turn off the radio, pray, sing, quote scripture, put in a good tape, & come home ready to minister to build up your family. Husbands, when you get home take 30-60 seconds, a full 30 to 60 seconds & just plant a kiss on your wife that she won’t forget. I promise you, your evening will be different.

* Do you know what this is? Raise your hands. Entertainment Book! Don’t take a trip, make a trip! You’ve got to put some effort into this marriage. Work hard on spicing the marriage up. Plan fun things for your marriage in the same way you do for your business & work & hobby.

You have a portfolio for your financial life, why not have a portfolio for your married life. What’s more important to you: money or marital bliss?

Plan what you want to do. Plan fun in your life. Plan it together. Do Not miss our Sweetheart Retreat, don’t miss our getaway weekend.

VIII. Unrealistic expectations

Sometimes marriages fail because the expectations are just ridiculously high.

* Did you hear the story about the newleyweds, they got married, & on their honeymoon the groom looks at his new bride, & says, “Sweetheart, now that we’re married, I hope you don’t mind if I point out some defects in your life?” She said, “Not at all, sweetheart, it was those defects that kept me from getting a better husband.”

One marriage counsellor summed up a statement from happily married couples, “We don’t expect perfection.” Even though their spouses had qualities they would like to see changed, they had learned to accept these qualities because as one woman said, “The payoff is so great in other areas.” Good mature advice.

X. Lack of Intimacy

When a marriage lacks warmth, closeness, transparency, vulnerability, the marriage will fall apart. Many husbands & wives live under the same roof, but they are not close. They are not intimate in their conversation or their physical relationship, or day to day life.

You have to constantly work on intimacy. 1 Peter 3:9 Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing, If you & I will become givers in this marriage relationship; our job is not to trade insult for insult, our job is not an eye for an eye & a tooth for a tooth. He said, our job is when we are having difficult times, to give a blessing instead.

I happen to believe that is the husband’s responsibility to give the blessing first. WHY? Because we are to love the way Christ loved. FIRST!

When Adam & Eve turned their back on God, what did He do? HE came into the garden & He iniatied it. He said, “Wait a minute, we have a problem here & he fixed the p