The Minefield
Notes
Transcript
The Minefield
The Minefield
Wouldn’t it be great to know what issues were among the most common that break up families, friends, and churches?
If we knew for sure the kinds of issues, hidden land mines, we could avoid them. Or, at least know what just blew up when we stepped on it.
When I do pre-marital counseling I try to do some of this so couples know where others run into trouble.
So, I Googled “Top 10 things that break up long-term relationships”
A long list of websites came up that gave their version of this top 10 list. Mostly marriage and divorce. But it applies to other rel’s.
Some sites were Christian, some just religious, some secular.
A sampling of what I looked at:
marriage.com
cosmopolitan.com
divorcenet.com
focus on the family
Familylife.com
Yahoosports.com (after the Cardinals game I’m sure there were sports fans ready to end it all)
You see the variety of sites. They had a variety of reasons. Some listed a few unique issues. But they all had these issues in common, land mines, in one form or another.
Love. Sacrifice.
Love is communicated best, not by words, but by sacrificial actions. Actions that cost you something.
Positively, wanting your partner to thrive in ways you don’t.
Negatively, feeling like you’re not encouraged by your partner to thrive.
Unresolved issues. Conflict. Lack of resolution.
Lack of respect. Feeling disrespected for your side of the conflict, opinions and desires.
Unfulfilled expectations. Expect needs and wants t/b met w/out consideration of meeting their needs.
No personal growth. Lack of interest in the other’s need and ways of growth.
Sex. Lack-thereof. Adultery. Sex outside the marriage, affairs.
You may be thinking that I said friends and churches, too.
What does sex have to do w/ these relationships.
Friends can be too easily seduced. Wife’s BF, husband’s.
Be careful if you only have one other couple as friends.
Divorce blows up friendships, friends take sides, and who gets custody of the friends when the marriage ends?
Churches; Too many pastors, elders, worship leaders, BS teachers get involved w/ other people. Cheater and Cheated on.
Money. Too little. Different priorities. Who gets what they want?
Control.
Can’t agree on things, parenting, career moves, money, houses, cars.
Not on the same page.
No compromise. Power imbalance. Lack of equality.
Feel smothered by my partner. Can’t grow.
There is a lot of overlap in these 4 areas of landmines.
And, there’s communication. Communication typically is a secondary issue. When we have an issue, we need to communicate about it. Can’t. So now, communication is an issue that gets in the way of the original issue.
These are common issues that start our hidden, buried, but get stepped on and blow up long-term relationships.
If we know what they are, we can avoid them, head them off, or at least know what happened when it blows up at home.
I’m guessing the preacher who wrote Hebrews didn’t have to Google this to figure out. People have been struggling in these minefields from before the c.1 to the c.21.
Same issues, same mines, same destructive explosions.
We’ve been blowing up families, friendships, and fellowships for well over 21 centuries b/c of these same issues.
The preacher who wrote this, is wrapping up the sermon, in pretty brief form, he addresses these 4 key issues.
These are the landmines that most frequently blow up families, friendships, and fellowships. We can avoid them. Minimize the damage when we do step on one. Or, at least understand what just blew up.
The first one he addresses is the most basic. The 2 most important, greatest commandments.
How can we avoid the minefield of those in our most important relationships feeling like they don’t matter to us?
Love God above everything else.
and, 2nd, love each other at least as much as you love yourself.
Love them. Don’t just say it. Act like it.
Love Each Other
Love Each Other
Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. Continue to remember those in prison as if you were together with them in prison, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.
Fundamentally, love each other. It’s the 2nd most important thing that we do.
Love is not a feeling or emotion. It’s a verb.
Love requires action. And loving actions require a cost.
If it doesn’t cost you something, it’s not loving.
Time, money, effort, convenience. Your way of doing things, what you want. Give that up for who you want to feel loved.
He’s speaking to a fellowship of believers. This is a gathering of ppl who share a common faith, common purpose, common worship services, bible studies, service projects, and community.
Act like you love ea other. Always.
Paul, in Philippians 2, exhorting ppl to treat each other the way Jesus treats them, wrote;
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
Basic to the healthy function of valued relationships is the consideration of others before yourself.
The arguments in a church should not be about who gets their way. We should be working hard to understand each other. Consider what we want and why we want it.
Same is true in marriage. When you love you spouse, you do what they want, the way they want it.
So, when there’s a conflict, the argument should who doesn’t get their way.
No, dear, do it your way. I insist.
If you’re afraid you’ll never get your way, then you’re really afraid your spouse doesn’t love you. B/C, if they do, they will argue for you do it your way, not theirs.
2 more specific ways that a life is characterized as loving ppl like siblings.
Hospitality to strangers. Care for prisoners and the persecuted.
He just talked about acting like you love the ppl you know. These actions should extend beyond.
Hospitality means making people feel comfortable, welcome in your presence. Strangers.
Not just strange ppl. Plenty of those around. But, PPL you don’t already know.
Be all there when they are here.
No thinking about getting out of the conversation or away.
No looking at your watch, looking beyond them.
Eye contact. Warm hug.
When you meet Ken on Sunday morning you get the idea you are the only person in the lobby of the church in that moment. He has nowhere else to be and nothing else to do besides finish hugging you.
Invite ppl into your world, your home. W/in reason. Don’t be closed off. Make the sacrifice of inviting ppl not like you into your life.
And keep in mind the ppl who are the prisoners and persecuted.
These are the ppl who are in their situations b/c of their faith.
Be smart. There are those who are in a tough spot, not b/c they committed a horrible crime. But, b/c their beliefs and actions are inconsistent w/ what our culture calls normal.
Remember them. Be aware of what they need. And on a regular basis do what you can to meet them.
Love is most fundamental in all relationships.
Sex is fundamental in faithful marriages.
We can avoid a lot of trouble by adhering to a biblical moral ethic in the minefield of a healthy sex life.
1 Lover for Life
1 Lover for Life
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
God often speaks of our relationship w/ him in similar terms as a marriage.
A marriage is 2 imperfect ppl, acting like we love each other even though we don’t deserve it.
W/ God, He’s the perfect partner. He has to be gracious w/ us b/c we do mess up.
B/C He loves us, He gives us everything we need even though we don’t deserve it.
So, a marriage is a commitment between 2 imperfect ppl, to love ea other the way God loves us.
The sanctity of marriage has always been a big deal to God and ppl have never valued it appropriately. Adultery has been a minefield for all times.
When I was born in 1960, there were 2 STDs.
Now, there are dozens.
God’s directive in this area is to only be intimate w/ your spouse. No sex before marriage. No sex outside of marriage.
And marriage, till death do us part. 1 sex partner for life.
God warned us what would happen if we didn’t.
Bad germs invade when we allow multiple ppl into this area of our lives.
We could eliminate every STD in 1 generation of we would return and adhere to the biblical moral guideline.
God takes this seriously. And we have so watered down the warning. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard someone say it is unreasonable to expect young ppl to keep their virginity until they are married.
We have friends in our church in Indiana. Their daughter made the cheerleader squad. W/ it comes popularity and the girls become goals of the boys in the school.
So, like all good godly parents, they talked to their daughter about what would happen if she gave in to a boy’s advances.
Among other things, her reputation in the school would be damaged.
To their amazement, her comeback was, the girls who did not put out had the bad reputation.
The whole script was flipped.
And, lest you believe this is only a young person’s issue. Like, Steve, why are you talking to us about this? We’re old!
Well, this absolutely is an issue for our age group. So many singles. So many lonely people, eager for intimacy.
Maybe, we would never have given consideration to a relationship like this when younger.
But, there are retirement villages in this country where STDs are epidemic. Immorality is rampant.
It is just as not okay for people in their 60s and 70s to be promiscuous as it is for ppl in their teens, 20s and 30s.
Sex before marriage gets the cart before the horse. The emotional bond becomes so strong that the relationship is not allowed to develop properly.
The relationship can be underdeveloped, retarded. A healthy relationship takes time. Interests, communication, money, sacrifice, conflict resolution.
But a couple who is intimate too early, it becomes too easy to skip the conflict resolution and go straight to bed.
The problem becomes, the conflict is never resolved, never goes away, and grows in its destructive potential.
Eventually, it blows up. It is so much easier to build healthy relationships when things are kept in their godly order.
Then, sex outside the marriage, will blow up a marriage. God wired to need our spouse to be commited and faithful only to us.
Any more than that and it erodes the foundation. Trust is lost. Insecurities take over. The relationship is difficult to save.
This is like arguing w/ gravity. You can jump off your roof and argue that the fall won’t hurt you b/c you don’t believe in gravity. The fall doesn’t hurt you. It’s that sudden stop at the end.
You will lose that argument.
You can argue that ppl can have more than one intimate partner at a time and still have a healthy marriage. That’s just like being in the air on your way to the ground. You will land hard and ppl will get hurt.
You can argue that sex before marriage isn’t hurting your long-term future and burying mines that will blow up later.
Okay. The sudden stop will happen and you’ll wonder why you’re hurt. Gravity.
These mines are blowing up all over, and w/ them, families are being destroyed.
Apparently, MP was quite the swinging place back in the 60s. Do you remember Dick Gray? He passed away a few years ago,
He was among the very first homeowners in MP. HIs company built Pinewood CC.
One of his favorite things to do was take new or prospective residents on a tour of the houses in Pinewood. As he drove by various houses around town, he’d say, “And the husband in this house had an affair w/ the wife in that house. And, the wife in the next house, had an affair w/ the husband in that house over there.”
If ever there was a little town in Paradise that needed a church as a moral compass it was this one when MPCC was planted in 1983.
Nobody plans to blow up their family, break up their friendships, or blow up their church. But there are fewer more effective ways to do it than dishonoring the marriage bed.
The 3rd minefield can be avoided by making sure you only love ppl, not money or things.
Be Content
Be Content
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,
“Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you.”
So we say with confidence,
“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?”
It’s okay to make money, have money, save money, and spend money. It’s okay to buy stuff. Don’t make sacrifices to buy what you cannot afford.
Don’t covet your neighbors stuff, that is fantasize about having it if you can’t afford it.
If you can afford it, go get it.
Otherwise, content w/ what you have.
Paul was in prison when he wrote this:
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
Remember, he had been a Pharisee of some rank. He had a lot of material goods, job responsibilities, influence, and friends in high places.
He gave all that up when he decided to follow Jesus.
He went from having the authority to administer capital punishment for insurrection in the temple, to a tent-maker to support himself, to a prisoner for his faith.
He knew what it was to be wealthy and what it was t/b poor.
What he’s telling us here is, more stuff won’t make you more content.
Contentment is not conditioned on the size of your house, bank acct., or number of camels or cars in your garage.
Contentment is a choice. Seeing what you have as enough to make you happy will help keep your family, friends, and church intact.
C.S. Lewis said, “He who has God and everything has no more than the one who only has God.”
IOW, if you have God, you have enough.
Wishing you had your neighbor’s house, car, rich uncle.
Or a church member, pastor, leader; coveting the building or the members of the church up the street.
These will undermine your contentment, crack your foundation, and blow up in your face.
Not only will you not get what you covet, you’ll lose what you have.
Don’t love money or stuff, love ppl and be content w/ all you have.
The last minefield he dealt w/ is control issues. Leadership. Influence. Who are you following and why? Who’s following you?
Who is in charge? This one wrecks marriages and more churches that just about any other. Who’s in charge and who gets to decide what we’re going to do?
The way to avoid it is to be a good follower of Jesus. Bad followers make bad leaders. Start by being a good follower then you’ll be prepared to lead w/out trying to control.
Control Issues
Control Issues
God is always in control. He knows more, can do more, and fix more than any of us.
We can avoid so much trouble by letting God be God in our own life and in the lives of others.
First, we have to know Who God is and what to expect of Him and what He expects of us.
That’s why God put ppl like me in your life.
Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
My #1 job is to teach the Word of God b/c that’s where we learn who God is.
I can’t teach you what I don’t already know. I have to be able to apply what I’m asking you to apply.
Imitate my faith, not my life.
Don’t follow me. Join me as I follow Jesus and we imitate His life together. I am as imperfect as they come. I evolve. I grow.
Jesus doesn’t have to grow b/c he was perfect to begin w/.
Every good leader starts out as a good follower. If someone is not a good follower, they will never be a good leader.
As leaders, we encourage you to join us as we follow Jesus.
And we ask you to invite your friends to join you as you follow Jesus. You don’t have to save anybody. Help get people to the One who can.
If we all know the real thing, then we are less likely to be carried way by counterfeits.
Do not be carried away by all kinds of strange teachings. It is good for our hearts to be strengthened by grace, not by eating ceremonial foods, which is of no benefit to those who do so.
Jesus want a relationship. Counterfeits want rules.
Broken rules blow up relationships. Jesus doesn’t have many rules to break. He is gracious, patient, loving, and understanding.
We don’t need a lot of rules. Rules are for counterfeits who are trying to control us.
Counterfeit leaders, never were good followers, try to impose rules to get and maintain control.
Jesus wants a relationship.
He came to us, offered his hand first. Now, we need to go to Him to accept his offer of the relationship.
The high priest carries the blood of animals into the Most Holy Place as a sin offering, but the bodies are burned outside the camp. And so Jesus also suffered outside the city gate to make the people holy through his own blood. Let us, then, go to him outside the camp, bearing the disgrace he bore.
Jesus was ridiculed by ppl, considered cursed b/c he was crux’d.
Only the worst of the worst were crux’d. So, if they weren’t paying attention to what was really going on, the assumption would have been He deserved it.
We have to give up our lives, our reputations in town, our IDs, our wants t/b important and influential and join Jesus on the outskirts of town where the outcasts gather.
Christianity is a gathering of outcasts, and unlikely consortium of losers and last place finishers.
Only God could get credit for any success we have.
All that’s left is praise and prayer.
Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise—the fruit of lips that openly profess his name. And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.
Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority, because they keep watch over you as those who must give an account. Do this so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no benefit to you.
Pray for us. We are sure that we have a clear conscience and desire to live honorably in every way.
There is power in our praise. Power that changes us. When we can praise God even when things are not so good, our perspective and we see God who is still in control and have confidence that things are going to work out.
Pray for us. Pray for those who are in leadership positions. If you are praying for us, you much less likely to be in conflict w/ us.
God will hold us accountable when we need it.
These are all minefields that have landmines in them that will blow up if you step on them.
It’s been happening for 21 centuries. And this is practical advice to avoid the explosions that blow up important relationships.
We are not immune. If these are among the most common, then we need to be aware of them and avoid them as best we can.
Fewer explosions mean better long-term relationships.
Applications
Applications
Love
Love
Does love characterize the way you treat everyone? Is that how people in this community describe you?
Act like you love ppl.
Sex
Sex
Sex only with your spouse? Get out of that minefield before something blows up.
Contentment
Contentment
Don’t love money or stuff. Love ppl and be content w/ whatever you have. More stuff won’t make you more content.
Control
Control
Let Jesus control you and encourage the ppl you’d like to control to let Jesus control them, too.
We’ll all be happier together.
4 areas that blow up a lot of relationships. Stay out of the minefields alltogether.
God knew this would be a problem for ppl. It’s been a problem for more than 21 centuries.
These are the landmines that most frequently blow up families, friendships, and fellowships. Avoid them. Minimize the damage when we step on one. Or, at least understand what just blew up.
No relationship is beyond repair. But we can make it easier or harder to fix what we break by whether or not we avoid these minefields.